这个作文啊。。。

waiting1UID: 2997856

08 年06 月29 日
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? University Education is the most important factor of success in life.

以下是修改后的文章。大家可以对比下二楼那文看下我改动的地方。然后三楼是同学的评语。希望有所启发吧。
Is a college study the most indispensable part of one's successful life? I, personally assert it is absolutely right.

A university education contributes directly to an individual's accumulation of knowledge. As an undergraduate, we will soon begin our career life which absolutely requires a huge amount of expertise. University is the very place for us to know what kind of skills and knowledge are needed and how we can get them. For example, we had better make ourselves prepared in college if want to do some skilled job, especially analyst and statistician, as there won't be adequate time for us to learn through working. Besides, the job market is so competitive that no one could afford to waste time in their first job. Consequently, university is the ideal place for students to meet all the qualifications in advance.

More important is that a four-year time in a college could enable us to figure out what is our real interest and what we want to do. Most students seem to be unfamiliar about themselves. To eliminate the chance that we may get lost in a real society, it is better for us to know who we are and what we like
before entering the fierce career world. In addition, our seniors and teachers are all optimum person to help us when we are in troubles.

It is true that a university education enjoys lots of advantages. But the same is true that we have to give up the potential experience gained in a full-time job once we choose to pursue a further education. Such kind of experience may also be crucial in our successful life.

Taking into all factors, I assume the merits of studying in universities far outweigh its demerits, as we need to fulfill all the requirement of our ideal job and are not willing to be disoriented towards our goal. Therefore, I strongly commit to the notion that a college study is the most essential factor of one’s success. (331)

waiting1UID: 2997856

以下是原文。
When people attempt to figure out whether or not the learning experience in a university is the most significant element of one's success in life, will they prefer to say yes? Or will they, at same level, disagree with this judgment? I would put myself in the former category. And I am convinced that for the sake of a smooth development of his or her career towards the ultimate goal of success, it is more sensible for us to pursue a college degree, though it also means that we may have to sacrifice our 4 years time to focus on our study instead of gaining more working experience.

My immediate reaction was that a university education contributes greatly to an individual's collection of knowledge. We will sooner or later begin our own career, and a career would absolutely require huge amount of specific knowledge. All work-related skills should be achieved before we enter the job market. Therefore, while we are in the universities, we can know what skills are required, and how we can gain suck sills. For example, if we want to do some analysis job, we had better got all the expertise in our college, because there are lots of skilled teachers and classmates whom we can resort to. Once we get some advice from them, we can also go to our library to learn more. Without any doubt, university is the ideal place for us to make preparation for our future career.

More important is that a four years time in a college could enable us to find out what is our real interest and what we want to do. A university education gives us entire four years to think about such questions. What is more important, we have all tutors, our successful alumni and our senior students to help us to solve our problems. Therefore, all these could make fewer mistakes in our future career.

It's true that a university education enjoys lots of advantages. It is, however, not without its problems. Once we choose to study in college, we have to give up the potential experience gained from a real job. Such kind of experience may also be treasure in our successful life.

Yes, more working experience would be preferred. But the fact that a majority of people who choose to work after they graduate from high schools, no matter how successful their life are, still look forward to obtain more knowledge indicates that the merits of a college education outweigh its demerits. Consequently, I strongly commit to the notion that we should seek a university education.  (432)

waiting1UID: 2997856

以下是我一位ibt独立good同学对我对一篇作文的修改。我照着他的思路改了我的第二篇作文。
When people are asked what they will do if one of their friends is going to make a mistake, will they prefer to be a standby and ignore his or her friend's problem? (这句话意思很简单，但是你表达的方式太复杂了，指代第三人称的时候不要总是用him or her ，如果你一定要用一个疑问句开头的话，可以说：what should we do when one of our friends is going to make a mistake which can be easily predicted？ 这样就表达出所有的意思了而且没有无意义的断句)Or will they, at some level, expect to do him or her a favor? I would like to put myself into the second category.（删掉） And I am convinced that for the sake of our authentic relationship, it is more sensible for us to point out our friends' upcoming mistakes, though it will also be a little risky to do it（删掉）.

A real friendship(A friendship？), so our counterparts can rely on at any time, would require people involved to be honesty to each other. Therefore, once our friends are bound to put themselves into troubles, it is crucial for us, as a friend of them（意思重复，删掉）, to help them on time instead of ignoring their mistakes. Take myself as an example（这句可以直接删掉）. I once found that one of my best friends cheated on our final exam. Without hesitation, I talked to (told) her about(删掉) the seriousness of her wrongdoings after the test. I told her that although it is（was） true that we may not get a satisfactory score without deceiving. It is also true that once you got caught, the consequences, which might include the expulsion, would be too harsh for you to take on. （这句吐槽点太多了，指代和引用简直就乱了。我直接重新写吧，你稍微看下区别。I had a conversation with her right after the test to show her the harsh consequence of cheating, which could only bring a fake success.  ）Consequently, honesty（to be honest） is（was） always the best choice for her. (她要是只作弊这一次的话，用always不太合适吧……读上去就像她一直作弊一样，而且这里应该用to be honest，差别在哪你自己回味下非谓语动词的用法，honesty的名词形式不太试用这里)Of course, she accepted my suggestion, and she（删掉） literally did quite a fantastic job afterwards. All these, without any doubt, enhanced our friendship.（这句其实是病句）

Again, if we did not say something beforehand, it might turn out to ruin our relationship. （这句话表述为 it might turn out to ruin people’s relationship if we did not say something beforehand我觉得更流畅）That is, our friends may blame us to ignore their mistakes and let it happen on purpose. In that case, it is always too late to compensate. Suppose I had talked with him about the cheating issue, and I did not advise my friend not to （这个双重否定感觉好奇怪）play some（删掉） tricks next time. Once she got caught in the test, it would absolutely destroy our friendship. Because I already knew that, （删掉）and I did not say anything about that! Accordingly, just say something, it really helps!（这句还是很奇怪，改成it really helps to point out our friends’ mistakes instead of ignoring them 比较好） （这段的意思很累赘，表达为：She would get caught and undertake all terrific consequence without my advice, which may really destroy our friendship 就够了。而且你这段假设成立的前提就不对，不管她会不会被抓，你都不会在考试现场提醒她……所以你只想表达的只是避免了她以后被抓的可能性，但是你有没有表达出这个意思，所以这段其实整个删去也OK，很多部分和上面也重复）

Nevertheless, what has been discussed above is not the whole story（这个词最好别出现……）. Being straightforward, on the other hand, is not without its problems.（这句没看懂） Once our friends do not want to follow our suggestions, and （这种基本的断句错误反复出现还是要注意下的。）we still stick to our points, t（错误断句）his situation is cultivating a decline of a relationship. Only by the consequences they will suffer from their wrongdoings will they realize how treasure our words are. Hence, to what extent we should be honesty all depends.

Yes,（正式文体最好还是别这么表述句子） no fights among friends will be ideal. But the merits of being honesty to them far outweigh its demerits considering the fact that we were, are, and want to be together（这种用法很先进的嘛……）. Therefore, I strongly commit to the notion that we should say and do the right things for our friends.（482）


嘛……整体语言风格还是中文的思路……插入语太多，断句也很奇怪。这样其实不好，因为过多插入会打断阅读思路，而且说明了你用词遣句能力不行，没法找到合适的词反而要用插入语说明，从句也不太会用好，而且有意义重复之嫌，所以肯定是减分点。很多话也有点“口号式”的意味在里面，应该尽量避免。很多句子意思嫌啰嗦，简单表达最好。想要表现语言能力的话，还是要用最精准的词汇和句型来体现你最清晰完整的逻辑。

总之我觉得还有蛮大进步空间的，比如说这个议题的切入点应该从你是否agree入手。第一段简要说一下就可以了。因为毕竟要从题目要求入手，他第一句就问你是否agree，那你就先摆出一个明确的回答来，然后再论证。

然后说有点中文意味在里面，感觉你是想到了一句中文，然后再直接翻译过去，这样最容易犯得错误就是逻辑上出错误，感觉你为了避免这些不完整的逻辑，生硬的加了一些连接词在里面，这样整体文章的效果比较差，一口气读不下来，虽然知道你想要表达什么，但是这方面肯定会输给别人一点。

很多连接词都是错误使用的，我们说中文的时候会在句首加的因为。其实。等等逻辑词，在英文正式文体中如果上下文没有相关逻辑链条支撑的话，肯定是错误用法。我没有标红，你可以自己看下。

试着直接用英文思维写作，别指望着中文想好了再翻译，文章写不好看不说，考试也来不及。

sEven_zhUID: 3007258

同学，你2.28的独立写了吗？

waiting1UID: 2997856

4# sEven_zh 恩。组织人说可以写自己的题目的饿。我只是想先拿一篇我自己改过的看下改的成果。- -

qianhuangUID: 2766587

Isa college study the most indispensable part of one's successful life? I,personally assert it is absolutely right.
1 ]0M% Y0 e& z5 h$ H% s! c
A university education contributes directly to anindividual's accumulation of knowledge. As an undergraduate, we will soon beginour career life which absolutely requires a huge amount of expertise.←这句可以再扩展一下，要不然有点前后不太连接的感觉。 University is the very place for usto know what kind of skills and knowledge are needed and how we can get them.For example, we had better make ourselves prepared in college if want to dosome skilled job, especially analyst and statistician, as there won't beadequate time for us to learn through working. Besides, the job market is socompetitive that no one could afford to waste time in their first job.Consequently, university is the ideal place for students to meet all thequalifications in advance.6 g! }" w0 j/ C+ ~! W
"P1 k4 a3 H' v
Moreimportantis that a four-year time in a college could enable us to figure out what is ourreal interest and what we want to do. Most students seem to be unfamiliar aboutthemselves. To eliminate the chance that we may get lost in a real society, itis better for us to know who we are and what we like before entering the fierce career world. In addition,our seniors and teachers are all optimum person to help us when we are introubles.) L! _6 j/ |# s( c
8 C0e7 Q' y& B+ l0 V
It is true that a university education enjoys lotsof advantages. But the same is true that we have to give up the potentialexperience gained in a full-time job once we choose to pursue a furthereducation. Such kind of experience may also be crucial in our successful life.+ 这段似乎讲的是和你的观点矛盾的那一面，你可能需要说说比起experience为什么universityeducation更重要，不然这段反而削弱了你的观点，因为这段有种没讲完的感觉。

Taking into all factors, I assume the merits ofstudying in universities far outweigh its demerits, as we need to fulfill allthe requirement of our ideal job and are not willing to be disoriented towardsour goal. Therefore, I strongly commit to the notion that a college study isthe most essential factor of one’s success. (331)
我的想法是你需要强调一下对success life的帮助，再说深一些，比如有了更好的技术水平，如何帮助我们success~

waiting1UID: 2997856

恩。第一个问题就是最关键的了。我今晚写了篇文章，就是在纠结于如何从主旨句往下过度。结果改了n遍（当然肯定超时了）。我又不想太罗嗦，所以真是个问题。至于倒数第二段，展开的太多怕喧宾夺主。无奈啊。再练练吧。^_^ 6# qianhuang

waiting1UID: 2997856

其实我也有考虑University is the very place for us to know 中加个therefore，u, therefore is the ...。但是怕出现其实前后两句没有关联，我硬加关联的逻辑错误。囧。 6# qianhuang

waiting1UID: 2997856

The best way to improve the quality of education is to imcrease teachers' salaries'.？

Some people argue that the best way to advance the quality of education is to increase teachers' wages. Personally, I do not believe that it is a perfect idea, as the best way might be to enhance teachers' teaching skills and to invest more on schools.

In general, most students have to rely on teachers to help them understand the difficult theories. Therefore, could students get a better education without excellent teachers? The answer might be no. In my primary school, a young teacher taught us Math, which is always a difficult subject for students to conquer. Unfortunately, our math teacher had just graduated from college and lacked the teaching experience. What he did in class was just tutoring without any interaction. We hardly had time to raise questions. His teaching method led to a negative result that a large proportion of us did not perform well in the final exams.

Also, with more budgets appropriated by our government, schools could purchase some expensive instruments which would absolutely be beneficial for students. There was an interview of a manager of a scientific research company. He criticized that our universities did not pay enough attention to the the improvement of undergraduates' practical experience, which resulted in their failure to use most of the scientific instruments independently. This manager also said that he would not recruit those students who lack the experience of real practices in labs. But at the same time our colleges are complaining that they cannot afford enough equipment for students to use.

However, we could not keep teachers' salaries remain the same all the time. Without adequate money, they could not enjoy a decent life. Nowadays, along with the recovery of global economy, employees from each cycle are complaining about their increasing pressure due to the hiking CPI. They also advocate our government and employers to raise their wages. Teachers, as an essential part of our education cycle, should be offered more money in this environment, as I assume that those who cannot afford their life might change their career, which is not advantageous for our entire education cycle.

Taking all factors into account, I am convinced
that the best way to improve the quality of education is to reinforce teachers' teaching skills, as teachers are the people who directly influence students' learning process. Besides, it would be more ideal for our government to increase the amount of budget they allocate to schools
since the money could be used on the purchase of more modern equipment which are beneficial for students' future development. But we cannot ignore teachers' demand to increase their salaries because life has becoming increasingly difficult for them.


这篇绝对不是我30分钟内的作品。自己已经改过了。我现在的最大问题就是没法再30分钟内完成作文。我考虑过把作文写成4段。但尴尬的是，有时竟然连两个理由都想不出来。只想出来一个a的，一个b的。然后就差一个来补充a或者b。尴尬。哎。。果真是我中文不行吗？我从小到大语文就不好。作文一直都是及格分。。
谢谢了。

waiting1UID: 2997856

Do you agree with the following statement? People holding different views cannot achieve success as a team.

As a team, we need many elements like unity, cooperation and devotion in order to succeed. Many people then argue that it is not necessary for team members to hold different ideas since it will ruin the membership among people. But in fact, I believe that it is an indispensable part for a group to have diverse perspectives.

A team is a group of people who gather together to achieve some certain goals. What a team will do most is to discuss over a specific topic and then find a solution. By exchanging personal views, the team could spark more constructive ideas to adopt and discard the bad ones. I once took part in a dispute competition together with my several classmates. During the preparation time, we often made fierce discussions. Some opinions put forward might be right, others might be wrong. With the process of correcting the wrong ones and perfecting the right ones, we made a quite fantastic job in the match.

Also, it is the team whose members always hold the same opinion cannot attain success, especially in a long term. Most of the times, it happens when people are limited to a stereotype. Hence, once their consensus is wrong, the consequence waiting for the whole team would only be failure. There are lots of family firms in China and a majority of them carry out business according to company tradition or routine. Generally, people who are recruited in these enterprises would choose to follow the establisher’s dictation in a passive way. Recently, an increasing number of reports show that many of these firms go bankruptcy because of the 2008 Financial Crisis. These reports also suggest that their failure is due to the company’s unchanging way of practice.

Taking all factors into account, I am convinced that a team entails different views in order to succeed, as a team could benefit from different opinions. Besides, a team without diverse thoughts might probably fail since no one would be perfect enough to make right decisions all the time.

thanks a lot!!!

mpromanusUID: 2565872

9# waiting1

The best way to improve the quality of education is to increase teachers' salaries.

Some people argue that the best way to advance (This means to 'accelerate the progress (of something)', so you can't really 'advance' the quality of education. A simple 'raise' would do a better job here.) the quality of education is to increase teachers' wages. Personally, I do not believe that it is a perfect idea, as the best way might be to enhance teachers' teaching skills and to invest more on schools ('Increase teachers' salaries' can well be part of that investment on schools. There's no clear line here, at least not in your essay so far.).

In general, most students have to rely on teachers to help them understand the difficult theories. Therefore, could students get a better education without excellent teachers?
The answer might be no. In my primary school, a young teacher taught us Math, which is always a difficult subject for students to conquer. Unfortunately, our math teacher had just graduated from college and lacked the teaching experience. What he did in class was just tutoring without any interaction. We hardly had time to raise questions. His teaching method led to a negative result that a large proportion of us did not perform well in the final exams. (Alright, that's an example of a not-so-good teacher and not-so-good education, but what does it have to do with the quetsion? None. There's no mention of salary. There is no mention of improvement of quality. This point is therefore simply wasted. It doesn't help your discussion at all.)


Also, with more budgets appropriated by our government, schools could purchase some expensive instruments which would absolutely be beneficial for students. There was an interview of a manager of a scientific research company. He criticized that our universities did not pay enough attention to the the improvement of undergraduates' practical experience (You can't 'improve' your experience, unless you're talking about travel experience..which is an different 'experience' i.e. 体验 from 'practical experience' i.e. 经验.), which resulted in their failure to use most of the scientific instruments (If you use 'the', the noun must be specific - e.g. 'the scientific instruments in the company' - otherwise drop that 'the'.) independently. This manager also said that he would not recruit those students who lack the experience of real practices in labs. But at the same time our colleges are complaining that they cannot afford enough equipment for students to use. (Again, what does this whole paragraph have to do with the question? Two paragraphs and you still haven't touched the question yet..and I also can't quite tell what exactly you're trying to argue for here. There is simply no clear indication of what exactly your POINT is. The sentences just drift from one to the next.)


However, we could not keep teachers' salaries remain the same all the time. Without adequate money, they could not enjoy a decent life. Nowadays, along with the recovery of global economy, employees from every cycle? (You mean..'sector'?) are complaining about their increasing pressure due to the hiking CPI. They also advocate our government and employers to raise their wages. Teachers, as an essential part of our education cycle (Now I'm pretty sure you meant 'sector'..how you got 'cycle' for 'sector' I have no idea though.), should be offered more money in this environment, as I assume that those who cannot afford their lives (This actually alludes to someone who will kill himself..) might change their careers, which is not advantageous for our entire education cycle. (And yet again..what does this have to do with the question? You mention nothing about 'the best way to improve education'. You're only talking about 'teachers' salaries' in general. I can talk about things in general but that's not the way to answer a specific question about something. If somebody asks you whether chocolate is good, do you tell him 'Oh, chocolate is very delicious and people generally love it and it is good to eat chocolate!', or do you say 'Yes, because it is very good for your health. It is shown to have the highest amount of antioxidants per 100mg, to prevent heart disease and to increase pheromon production, so I do think it is good'? Think about it. Think about how do you expect your questions to be answered.)


Taking all factors into account, I am convinced that the best way to improve the quality of education is to reinforce teachers' teaching skills, as teachers are the people who directly influence students' learning process. Besides, it would be more ideal for our government to increase the amount of budget they allocate to schools since the money could be used on the purchase of more modern equipment which are beneficial for students' future development. But we cannot ignore teachers' demand to increase their salaries because life has becoming increasingly difficult for them. (Oh..so that's what you intended to discuss. Good, you have a structure in mind, but make that clear in every paragraph.)


总结：


语言上问题不是很大，但是你似乎还没习惯议论文的写法。。


模板是这样的：


起首段 <阐释问题背景><提出观点><概述分论点>
中间每段 <提出分论点><解释分论点><总结分论点/联系观点>
结尾段 <概述分论点><再次强调观点>


你每一段要讲什么，不仅要在第一段列好，而且要在每一段的开头明确地提出来，比如Another better way to improve quality of education is for the government to increase school budgets so that they can purchase better equipments.这样读者才知道你这一段要干嘛。至于两个还是三个论点是不重要的，看你时间多寡。。

waiting1UID: 2997856

这个。。弱弱的问下。我这样写偏题了吗？
我只是想否定题目的说法。然后提出真正是best way的东西。
不知道这种写法对所有best way的题目是否适用呢？
谢谢。
11# mpromanus

waiting1UID: 2997856

我大致明白你的意思了。应该是没偏题吧。就是没有把我要说的观点直接表明。我太委婉了。 11# mpromanus

mpromanusUID: 2565872

12# waiting1

你这个不完全算偏题吧。。我知道你安排这样的行文是什么意图，你是想说题目那个不是best way，还有别的best way，然后就去解释其它的way了。主要的问题是，如果光看你中间几段，是看不出你为什么用这些内容回答这个题目的，只有看你开头结尾，才明白哦原来你中间是这个意思。这样的问题就是既然你中间几段都看不出在回答这个题目，等于你所写的就变成一个generic answer，没有针对性了。

mpromanusUID: 2565872

10# waiting1

Do you agree with the following statement? People holding different views cannot achieve success as a team.

As a team, we need many elements like unity, cooperation and devotion in order to succeed. Many people then argue that it is not necessary (This means 'team members do not need to hold different ideas (but they of course can)'. What you're trying to express, however, seems to be 'team membmers must/should not hold different ideas at all'. Something that is 'not necessary' is just not needed, but it might not be something bad. Something that 'ruins' things, on the other hand, is surely a lot more undesirable than 'not necessary'.) for team members to hold different ideas since it will ruin the membership among people. But in fact, I believe that it is an indispensable part for a group to have diverse perspectives (It is either 'it is an indespensable part of a group', or 'it is indispensable for a group to have diverse perspectives', but not both glued together..)

A team is a group of people who gather together (Repetition - to 'gather' is to 'come together'. You can't really 'gather individually', can you?) to achieve some certain goals. What a team will do most is to discuss over a specific topic and then find a solution. By exchanging personal views, the team could spark more constructive ideas to adopt and discard the bad ones. I once took part in a dispute competition (You mean..a 'debate'?) together with my several classmates. During the preparation time, (The way you produce such repetitive and wordy phrases shows a clear stem in direct translation..) we often made fierce discussions. Some opinions put forward might be right, others might be wrong. With the process of correcting the wrong ones and perfecting the right ones, (This doesn't mean your team members must have had 'different views'..in fact the way you said this sounds like the other way round - that in the end everybody agreed on the same view about which opinions were right and which were wrong..The trick here is be aware of which parts of your example correspond to the keywords in the question, and also which parts of your example deviate from the question. That deviation would often be your 'gist' in the 分论点, i.e. where the question's logic is weak. In this particular paragraph, your team started off with 'different views' indeed - 'some..might be right, others might be wrong' - but as your discussions develop, the views obviously started to merge. Note, this doesn't mean your example is wrong. In fact, that word 'merge' is exactly where your 分论点 is - that people with different views can and do, through internal coalition of opinions, arrive at some common ground as a team, thus achieving success.) we made a quite fantastic job in the match.

Also, it is the team whose members always hold the same opinion cannot attain success, especially in the long term. Most of the times, it happens when people are limited to a stereotype (Do you mean that these people are of the same 'stereotype', or that their opinions are of the same 'stereotype'?). Hence, once their consensus is wrong, the consequence waiting for the whole team would only be failure. There are lots of family firms in China and a majority of them carry out business according to company traditions or routines. Generally, people who are recruited in these enterprises would choose to follow the establisher’s dictation in a passive way (See end of paragraph.). Recently, an increasing number of reports show that many of these firms go bankruptcy because of the 2008 Financial Crisis. These reports also suggest that their failure is due to the company’s unchanging way of practice (Again, all this passiveness and stagnancy doesn't necessarily mean 'same views' or 'consensus'. I think you understand what I mean by 口是心非..someone can follow your dictations without having the same views as you do at all, and interestingly, when that's the case, your example ends up agreeing with 'people holding different views (secretly, and pretending to be otherwise) cannot succeed as a team', if you can work out this logic..Again, you need to match the keywords in your examples carefully with the keywords in the question to see that you don't end up illustrating the wrong point.).

Taking all factors into account, I am convinced that a team entails different views in order to succeed, as a team could benefit from different opinions. Besides, a team without diverse thoughts might probably fail since no one would be perfect enough to make right decisions all the time.


总结：

这篇的结构什么的都不错，但你的逻辑方面有一个比较大的问题就是你写着写着就想当然地蜕变成和题目不同的关键字了，而且你自己意识不到你在描述的东西和题目的关键字已经不一样了。。所以写作文的时候我一向强调每段尾都要点题，实际上是给你自己一个机会回去检查你到底还是不是在进行应该进行的讨论。如果你发现很难扯回去了，说明你的分论点在论述中可能有问题。以后写作文的时候你可以自己试一下。。