8924570的托福作文贴

jiangruiqianUID: 2838124

改好了 0412的独立

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4月13 独立   谢谢啦

jiangruiqianUID: 2838124

0413  已改好了

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4月14日   谢谢

kkndkkndUID: 2692699

改好了，突破20帖限制！可以发附件了！

凉言UID: 2996787

改好啦~~

892524570UID: 2975104

辛苦啦！4月15日

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4月16日的独立

niehanmjUID: 3005699

好了...

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谢谢！给mpromanus姐姐批改

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4月30日    独立写作        谢谢批改    辛苦啦:)

mpromanusUID: 2565872

25# 892524570

For successful development of a country, should a government focus its budget more on very young children education rather than on universities?

I do not support that a government focuses its budget more on young children's education rather than on universities. I think, between the children education and universities, is not exist which one is more important is not really an issue (I think, 这很明显是从中文翻译过来的。。你的目标应该是至少能持续写出正确的句子。意思简单不要紧。。); because both of them play an important role for a country.

First of all, young children's education provides basic knowledge and essential ethics education for young students. The basic knowledge cultivates children’s interests and other important things. For example, teaching children math will help students to build interest in the math and at the same time math will enhance children's logic ability in logic, which plays an important role in their future yard life (这，其实是美国人对学术生活的戏称。。正式的写作中不应该用的。). Anther example is the basic physical education which not only teaches students how to exercise, but also helps students to care about their health. Ethics education has a can not substitute effect (直翻的表达。如果你不确定英文中如何表达一个意思，请换个你确定能用对的说法，比如has a very important effect on children，而不是随便翻译。Again，意思简单不要紧..) on children. Scientists conclude that children’s early ethics education will influence on the children’s their whole lives. Therefore, if adults instruct the children with right ethics, our society will be more harmonious. In order to increase children's basic knowledge and give? the right ethics education, a government has the responsibility to make sure children's education development is taken care of?.

Second, at the same time, university brings up the excellent students by offering professional education for their students. In one successful country, the government should never ignore the university’s significant functions. The graduates students make a great contribution to their countries' development. Just like the famous English person Bacon (引名人名言当然是不可以啦，但是你起码要知道他的名字是怎么拼的。。) said "knowledge is the power". (This is not a complete sentence.) In the 21 century, knowledge and elitists become a standard weighed which country is great power. University is just the place to instructs knowledge and cultivates elitists. USA is the most developed country in the world. Many famous universities in the united states made contribution to their country. Such as Harvard University brings up generation and generation of politicians who lead Americans to a prosperous life. Princeton University teaches many famous litterateurs who enrich the American culture. In sum, a foresighted government will never overlook the university education's effects.

In the budget, a government needs a balance between the children's education and universities. If a government focuses on the young children's education more than the universities, the country will lack the professional people who are able to improve the country’s soft power. We cannot image a country lacking of elitists. If a government focuses more on the universities then the future elitists will lack the basic abilities and essential ethics. Many high degree people are good at science research but weak in basic abilities and ethics. Such as Newton, the famous scientist who cannot get along with other people. A Government should understand both young children's education and universities' education have themselves cannot substitute functions which are good for their country, and focus its budget not only on children's education but also universities.

总结：

你的论述，虽然写得总让我想起中国报纸的社论，但其实还是不错的。。最明显的问题是一想表达复杂的意思句法就乱。。所以请先确定自己写出来的句子正确。然后就是很多不很合适的表达，用蓝色给你标出。这个你需要多积累native English的表达，少用中英文的字典词典。

你有一个很奇怪的用法就是喜欢such as直接成句 - such as + 名词/名词短语 这样一个组合，不管你后面名词部分有多长包括多少个从句，它都只是一个短语，不是一个完整的句子。

1 我在文章中用government，university等需要论述到的词的时候使用A government，还是governments，还是 the government，还是government来通篇描述比较好。

可数名词单数，不能不带冠词用 - 单独government是不对的。至于你要用a government, governments,还是the government,三种都可以，请选定一种坚持到底。

2 University is just the place where instructs knowledge and cultivates elitists.这样的句子我是不是不能用两个动词啊？

where后面要是个从句，要有一个主语。。University is just the place where <someone>/<something> instructs...虽然我觉得你想表达的东西其实完全可以不需要这个where。见文内对此句的修改。和很多中国学生一样，你倾向于用从句而不是用动词短语来表达意思。这也不是说就是错的，但是，第一，你要确定自己明白从句应该怎么写（你有好几处从句缺成分的错误）；第二，动词短语的表意一般来说更加精炼。。

我这边的修改不能很详细地跟你解释每一处的语法错误，所以请你自己多多努力，弄明白我用红字标出的地方为什么你原来的写法错了。。如果有不明白的可以给我站内短信。

wlihustUID: 3048995

topic：for successful development of a country, should a government fucus its budget more on every young children education rather than on universities?

to some people, university education is so important that it is reasonable to spend most of the budget on it in their opinions. although university education can provide young students good preparation for future career, and improve their many kinds of abilities which are vital for entering society, i do believe that a government should focus its budget more on every young children education instead of universities. And there are several reasons accounting for that.

The first reason lies on that, young children education is greatly essential for people's development , especially when they are staying the periods of two to five years old. during the earlier periods of their development, young people are most curious to the world, so that they are eager to learn new things and they can learn quite fast. what is more, the ability that people have learnt during their earlier ages ,will not only be hard to lose, but also play a great impact on their future life. for instance, children, as young as about two years old, will begin to learn riding bicycle. after their growing up, the ability of riding bicycle can never get lost and they can also ride even after not riding for several years . therefore, putting great attention on young children education is very important for their future development.

also, focusing the budget on young children education can save more money to do other useful things. in general, educating one young child, which may only need a few beneficial books and an experienced instructor, will cost less than educating one university student. as a result, the government will spend less money which can be used to improve facilities ,if they focus its budget more on every young children education rather than on universities.

What is more, spending the budget on young children will be more efficient than that on universities, saving a lot of time and energy. Young child, as young as two years old for example, will do exactly what we have told them to do, and they will never pretend to learn well. In contrast, students in universities are sophisticated enough to look for various excuses to escape from lessons that cost a great deal of time and energy to prepare. As a result, spending the same amount of time and energy, a young child will be able to learn more than a university student.  

in conclusion, focus budget more on every young children education rather than on universities will not only benefit students largely but also save much money and energy to to other valuable things.
email：liwhust@163.com 谢谢老师！

mpromanusUID: 2565872

26# 892524570

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Movies and televisions should always show audience good people being rewarded and bad people being punished.

In the contemporary (The contemporary..what? 'Contemporary' refers to a person when used as a noun. It means 现代的/当代的 only when it is an adjective. Please consult an English-English dictionary for usage. Do NOT rely on translations alone.), movies and television programs have a huge influence on human's daily life. Both of them create the hot topics and teach people many philosophies. Based on these facts, I totally disagree with the view that good ones being rewarded and bad ones being punished should always be reflected by televisions and movies. (强调一下：可数名词单数用必须加冠词 - a good one / good ones, 不能直接good one前面什么都没有。)

Admittedly, the view is exists (我觉得你在把exist当have用。。你不能因为中文里可以说‘这种说法有它的理由’ ，然后exist的中文翻译里包括‘有’，就把它直接这样代入进去。在这个情况下这个‘有’只能是has/have/possess之类的及物/动词，exist是不及物动词，后面要带名词的话必须加介词。。Things 'exist'. Things 'exist' IN/WITH other things. You cannot say '<something> exists <something else>' without any preposition.) some reasonable value in some degree. It encourages human to do pretty things and warns people that to be a bad man will be punished. However, I think this view is more suitable for the younger (Who are you comparing with?)
mom swashing (What do you mean by a mother 'swashing' her child anyway? 'Swash' is to make violent noises by splashing. I can't imagine how it applies to your scenario.) her naughty child rather than the media always to shows to the audiences who are no longer to be a children. Moreover, just like the Chinese old Chinese proverb: too much emphasizing is more, too much emphasizing ('Emphasizing' is a gerund, not an adjective. 'too' can only + adj.) is bad. If the films and TV programs emphasize the statement so much that it will produces bad influences on people.

First of all, not all the movies and televisions are able to reflect the truly original life and judge one is a good or bad guy. Because of the profitable aims, movie producer needs to attract watchers by the exaggerated means and dramatic stories. In these films or televisions, one may be classified in the bad guy list because a thin mistake (You don't say a mistake is 'thin'. A chance is 'thin' but a mistake is 'tiny'.).

In the second, life is not equal to movie or television. The thing reflected by the movie always idealization. (This is not a complete sentence. And I have no idea which 'thing' or 'movie' you're talking about. If you use the definite article 'the', your noun must be specific - that's why it's called a 'definite' article - e.g. 'The cat I saw yesterday was yours'. If I ask 'which cat is THE cat' you should be able to say exactly which cat is 'the' cat. But in your sentence, if I ask 'which thing is THE thing' or 'which movie is THE movie', I can't find any answer in the sentence itself nor in the text around it.) Many things, in the real society are not perfect. If the media always emphasizes the value that bad people will be punished and good people will be rewarded, it is easy to mislead human that life should be like the movies shows. When people realized the unfair facts that good people obtain bad results and bad people receive pretty rewards (The way you use 'pretty' looks suspicious. What do you mean by 'pretty rewards'? Even in Chinese 漂亮的报偿 does not make too much sense..), they will be disappointed with the society or hate the society.
The most important thing is that a harmonious society needs mercy and forgiveness. The movies and televisions have such an enormous effects on human’s life so the topic the media is reflects should not be too much absolutization (Why not just 'too absolute'? Again you are showing this tendency to always use nouns rather than verbs/adjectives..Yes, nouns are easy to remember and use, but they are not the only words in English!). If people always insists on the view that bad people will be punished then expected the punishment to the one who makes a mistake, our society will be full of punishments and hates no longer to say harmony (You are again desparately trying to say too many things in one sentence..And you end up making a perfectly correct sentence wrong. If you have a lot of ideas to express, start with simple sentences and address one idea in one sentence. Get them correct first, then think about connecting them together. Do not try to use a complex sentence structure before you are absolutely clear about how to use it correctly. Otherwise you'll always be writing wrong sentences.).

Based on these above contentions, I totally conclude that the medias should not frequently assert that good people being rewarded and bad people being punished. ('that'后面要跟完整句子 - 所以叫分句，分句，分句本身是完整的句子 - 而不是词组..)

总结：

首先你对冠词的用法完全模糊。。复数名词通常不需要加冠词，可数的单数名词要，而你经常是正好倒反过来。

另外就是各种语法，成句，和乱用词的问题。。一个你不确定能用对的词，或者一个你不确定能用对的句子结构，实际上不能算在你掌握的语言之列。如果你一定要用，请确定自己实际地掌握了它 - 知道什么情况下该用，怎么用是正确的。不要因为一个词的中文释义和你用中文想表达的意思一样就把它这样用上去。尤其请注意词性这个事情。。

892524570UID: 2975104

5月6日的作文   独立 谢谢批改的同学