请大家帮我看看这篇托福文章，感激不尽~

wlihustUID: 3048995

topic：good looks and dresses are more important for success than good ideas?

nowadays, it is common to see that job-hunters with good looks and dresses are more likely to get valuable jobs than others who do not have good looks and dresses. people may think it very unfair, however, interviewers do not think so. from their  opinions of view, persons with beautiful looks and dresses can get success more easily, which i strongly believe.

first of all, persons with appealing looks and dresses always pay more attention to detailed things. these persons always know which is good and which still need to be improved in them. they observe most of things clearly. what is more important is that the ability is very helpful and valuable for workers. for example, if these persons work on the product-selling they will know what advantages of this product are and what drawbacks of it exist. and so, when they are introducing the product to a number of consumers, they will understand what they should say to the consumers and what should not. because of the ability, they will be more likely to sell out the products. as a result, it is reasonable to say that good looks and dresses will be more important.

in addition, appealing looks and dresses can increase the ability of communication for people. there is no doubt that most of people in the world would like to stay and talk with these persons who have beautiful looks and good dresses. and, nearly none would like to see ugly persons, never to say staying with them. so, persons with appealing looks and beautiful dresses will have the advantage to meet and stay with people who maybe can help him to get achievement and success later.


however, persons with good looks and dresses cannot ignore the importance of good ideas. if they also have good ideas, it will be better.

in conclusion, good looks and dresses will be more important for persons' success ,and if they have good ideas also, they will be much stronger.

杨楠0312UID: 2781758

你好，大概看了一下，细节上的问题就不说了。整篇文章的结构也还算中规中矩。只是最后的那个however不太对劲。如果改成of course 会不会更自然一些？然后展开也不够，这一段太短了，可以稍微展开一下，说一下为什么还要具备good idea.

Peter1990UID: 3004241

你第二段说good looking person 可以成功因为他们的细心？那么people with good ideas为甚就不细心？细心和good looking 没有什么关系呀。LZ你想想？

杨楠0312UID: 2781758

你好，我第一次改作文，没什么经验，改的不好请见谅。总的来说，这篇文章的理由有点少，显得有点单薄。论证部分也存在着话讲的不清楚的问题。对于第一个问题，每篇文章都要写出三个或以上的互相不交叉的分论点。对于第二个问题，多多练笔就可以克服。最后就是文章的结构问题，一边倒类型的文章很容易写，不过折中式却不容易写好，我建议你从一边倒式的文章结构开始练习。
nowadays, it is common to see that job-hunters with good looks and dresses are more likely to get valuable jobs than others who do not have good looks and dresses. people may think it very unfair, however, interviewers do not think so. from their  opinions of view, persons with beautiful looks and dresses can get success more easily, which i strongly believe.

It is not uncommon for job-hunters with good looks and dresses to get more valuable jobs than others. Some people blame that this is unfair, whereas the interviewers have different opinions. In their eyes, beautiful look and dress can contribute to one's success, and I also agree with this point.
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first of all, persons with appealing looks and dresses always pay more attention to detailed things. these persons always know which is good and which still need to be improved in them. they observe most of things clearly. what is more important is that the ability is very helpful and valuable for workers. for example, if these persons work on the product-selling they will know what advantages of this product are and what drawbacks of it exist. and so, when they are introducing the product to a number of consumers, they will understand what they should say to the consumers and what should not. because of the ability, they will be more likely to sell out the products. as a result, it is reasonable to say that good looks and dresses will be more important.

First of all, an individual that pays attention to his appearance also have more discretion when he engages to work. For example, compared to those who even can't tell the differences between a T-shirt and a polo, these people undoubtedly will treat their work more carefully and find something, say, the working process, to be improved or even to be rebuilt. As a result, it does make sense that good looks also do good jobs.
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in addition, appealing looks and dresses can increase the ability of communication for people. there is no doubt that most of people in the world would like to stay and talk with these persons who have beautiful looks and good dresses. and, nearly none would like to see ugly persons, never to say staying with them. so, persons with appealing looks and beautiful dresses will have the advantage to meet and stay with people who maybe can help him to get achievement and success later.  

In addition, appealing looks and dresses have a great impact when the job involves communication. Practically, handsome individuals are popular everywhere. Because people love to talk with them, love to make friend with them. If such a person go to persuade a customer or a client, of course it is more likely to win, and because of this, the company will be more effective by hiring such employees.

however, persons with good looks and dresses cannot ignore the importance of good ideas. if they also have good ideas, it will be better.7

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个人认为，后面这个however 开头的段落可以删掉，因为这样的让步其实有些削弱了论证的力度，我建议（因为我比较擅长一边倒式的文章，所以对于怎样把这个让步写好也没有经验）换成第三个原因，比如有good look 的人会更受上级的重视，更容易获得升职等等。托福作文不像gre那么要求考虑问题的复杂性，但是却要把想法说清楚。 ^7 Z# @0 Q4 K3 f, @/ C( w+ ]
in conclusion, good looks and dresses will be more important for persons' success ,and if they have good ideas also, they will be much stronger.

还有一个很显著的问题，就是句首要大写

杨楠0312UID: 2781758

哎呀，第一次发这种帖子，怎么有的地方变成了乱码，第一段是你原来的，我接下来在后面又重写了一段~~~

wlihustUID: 3048995

谢谢！ 5# 杨楠0312

wlihustUID: 3048995

恩，有道理，谢谢！
3# Peter1990