Daily writing by Serene 求修改

hichangkeUID：3015556

Topic 5,
a company has announced that
it wishes to build a large factory near your community.discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this new influence on your community.


4,25th

Until recently our community has not had and big factories and most of the population depend on agriculture. Therefore , I believe that a large company would improve the economic circumstance in our community.

Of course, arguments will be raised against this standpoint . Some people argue that the construction of a new factory would do irreparable damage to the local environment. Extra noise ,polluted air and contaminated water will not only greatly affect the living quality but also directly
impair the physical health of the
local people. Moveover , when factory waste dumped into the river, the water downstream would become undrinkable and unusable for agriculture, and also kill the plants and animal life
in the rivers.


However, air pollution can be controlled to some extent under strict policy. On
another hand ,the advantage of
building a new factory is extremely appealing as a result of the ailing economy in our community. It can creat jobs with regular salary , which is badly needed by the inhabitants of our community . Meanwhile the the cheap labour and low production cost in our community
can also bring a substantial profit to the factory . All of these would contribute to the future prosperity of our community, which, in turn, would encourage
the further investment from outside and
policy support from local government .Finally,,increased income would enable more family to send their children to high school or maybe even university .Only in this way ,can they break the vicious cycle of poverty and the lack of education.
To sum up,considering the relatively desperate economic situation of our community, I believe the potential benefits
of opening a large factory would outweigh the risks . though it may pollute our environment and cause minor annoyances用在这里会不会和上段所论的 serious problem 矛盾啊,there must be some approaches to control the damage with proper precation.

              我的第一篇独立写作，有好多句子也都是从别人的例文里拼的 ，囧，请多多指教。  还有就是觉得写作的时候句型不够丰富， 像插入，倒装啊，都不知道要怎么往进去加，关于句子润色，能多帮帮忙么？   还有啊  我刚刚300字哎， 不知道够不够~~
              谢谢啦

hichangkeUID：3015556

咦 怎么明明 排版 排好的  贴出来就这么丑了···· 原谅我吧 看着很不舒服

mpromanusUID：2565872

1# hichangke

A company has announced that it wishes to build a large factory near your community. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this new influence on your community.

Until recently our community has not had any big factories and most of the population depend on agriculture. Therefore, I believe that a large company would improve the economic circumstance in our community. (You're only talking about one single advantage of the factory in the opening paragraph. That's not enough. You need to briefly mention both advantages and disadvantages because the question asks you to discuss both. Remember: the opening paragraph of an essay lays out a brief outline of the contents in the essay.)

Of course, arguments will be raised against this standpoint. (Your question does not ask anybody to take any stand. It's NOT an agree/disagree type of question. You're not expected to defend or refute an opinion. Granted, most TOEFL writing topics are agree/disagree questions, so it's expected that you blindly followed what most so-called 'sample' essays do. But, that doesn't mean you can always do it for every question. What I expect you would focus on is simple: read your writing task carefully and understand what to address. Follow example essays only if you understand why certain essays are written in certain ways. This principle should not just be applied to TOEFL writing. It should be diligently applied to all your future writings.) Some people argue that the construction of a new factory would do irreparable damage to the local environment. Extra noise ,polluted air and contaminated water will not only greatly affect the living quality but also directly impair the physical health of the local people. Moveover , when factory waste is dumped into the river, the water downstream would become undrinkable and unusable for agriculture, and would also kill the plants and animal life in the rivers.

However, air pollution can be controlled to some extent under a strict policy. On another hand ,the advantages of building a new factory are extremely appealing as a result of the ailing economy in our community. It can create jobs with regular salaries , which is badly needed by the inhabitants of our community . Meanwhile the the cheap labour and low production cost in our community can also bring a substantial profit to the factory . All of these would contribute to the future prosperity of our community, which, in turn, would encourage the further investment from outside and policy support from the local government .Finally,increased income would enable more family to send their children to high schools or maybe even universities .Only in this way ,can they break the vicious cycle of poverty and the lack of education (This sentence reads '...break the vicious cycle of poverty and (break) the lack of education'. And you can't really 'break' the lack of education'..).

To sum up,considering the relatively desperate economic situation of our community, I believe the potential benefits of opening a large factory would outweigh the risks . Though it may pollute our environment and cause minor annoyances, (这里会不会和上段所论的 serious problem 矛盾啊 - Yes, this indeed contradicts your previous mention of 'irreparable damage'. If you want to keep this, then you must discuss why the pollution is actually a 'minor annoyance' even though some people think it's very serious. But again as said, the problem with your essay is really something more serious than this. It's that you end up writing an argumentative answer for a descriptive task..)there must be some approaches to control the damage with proper precautions.

总结：

这篇的遣词用句相当好，虽然我不知道这是否代表你真实水平。。囧。

最主要的问题就是，这是一个描述性的题目（discuss the advantages and disadvantages...），你把文章写成了议论文。。这个题目不是常见的同意/不同意类型，你只需要描述优点和缺点，不需要站边，不需要立论，不需要分出好坏高下。。（当然你非要写成议论式也可以，我不觉得考官会因为这个就忽略你中间的论述，但是这种不读题目只看范文的倾向，请务必小心。。）

还有就是觉得写作的时候句型不够丰富， 像插入，倒装啊，都不知道要怎么往进去加，关于句子润色，能多帮帮忙么？

首先，这篇的语言结构已相当好。。所以，你为什么还觉得需要神马插入、倒装、‘丰富’的句型？你所认为的‘丰富’的句型是什么样子的？你想过你要用这些插入倒装来表达什么没有？你是否有只有使用插入、倒装神马的才能准确表达的东西？如果你只是为了‘润色’而‘润色’，这所谓的‘润色’反而有可能破坏你文中原本存在的逻辑联结。道理很简单 - 并不是全身上下一身名牌就能让人有贵族气质；并不是全篇大词难句乱飞就能让作文得高分。。

还有啊 我刚刚300字哎， 不知道够不够~~

今天刚看见一个报分，不到300字照样大作文good。可见字数只要满足最低要求就不是问题。

hichangkeUID：3015556

Tpo 5: if you could change one important thing about your hometown, what would you change.

Apirl 29th


If I have the chance to change one thing of my hometown, I would like to choose the current condition of the city libraries. Contributing to the rapid economic development, the public facilities of my hometown such as schools and hospitals have significantly ungraded. On the contrary, seldon have the public libraries been improved to meet to need of local people.

The most serious problem is the low quality of book provision. The range books and materials offered is narrow; reference books are out of date, the fiction book collection is unimpressive, and the foreign material is totally obsolete. Moreover, professional books, which are valuable to scholars and students, are extremely scarce. As a result , inaccessible to their wanted books definitely frustrated citizens to read and collect material in our libraries. As we know, it is sometimes difficult for ordinary people to obtain substantial original material they need from outside world. Therefore, public libraries with financial subsidies have the responsibility to solve this problem and serve as a medium for people to know about the world.

It is understandable that the majority of the readers wish to borrow them home to enjoy the comfortable reading and convenient reference of the books. However, this reasonable demand gives rise to another problem: there would not be enough books for other readers once it has been borrowed. What a low ratio of books to people in our city! It is far below the national average according to the statistics. For this reason, appropriate measures should be taken to alleviate the book shortage, which could enable more people to take advantage of the public material in our city libraries.

Finally, minor problems, such as the shabby physical appearance and the inefficient management of the libraries need to be solved as well. It is obvious that no one wants to read a dingy library and endures its poor management.

Consequently, our city is aching for a better library system. Since I believe that the library is a crucial element in a healthy community, more funds should be directed to its upkeep and improvement. This would benefit a large number of inhabitants in our city, especially the younger generation.

hichangkeUID：3015556

问题：
1，关于你上次改的作文，我仔细看了下，你说到我审题的问题，我看了下原题目，发现自己漏了一句， discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this new influence on your community, do you support or oppose the factory? 这样的话， 按我作文的思路写，是不就对了呢？
2，关于第二篇作文， 我很是纠结，本来第一遍写，就是，首先写了一段关于，家乡的图书馆的不良现状，然后将这些现状带来的影响，以及修缮图书馆带给我们的好处，分了2段写。。 结果我看了一篇，满分范文， 发现它就是按我现在这文章的思路写的（我的结构，the most serious promble , another promble, and  minor problem  , 三段就是从它那里来的）。于是我觉得是否自己审题有误， 就按它的改了。。， 昨天也是找人，修改，他说我跑题了，，，应该写，why, 先描述这个problem ,为何是important, 然后再论证change后的好处。。。 我跟他争论不下。。我觉得，人家问的是what would you change, 你就把你要change 的地方写出来，可以穿插 change的好处（但我这篇基本没有提到），不知道对不对呢。很困惑 啊
3， 我写作的现状，通过这两篇，也发现了自己的问题，主要是没有仔细分析题目，就跟着例文思路走，但是 我现在还处于开始阶段， 完全用自己的思路，写出的文章没有办法和 好的范文对比提高，，而且思路超枯竭。。怎么办呢，就剩一个月了，而且现在这个训练方法太费时间了，有些心急啊。。
4，综上， 写了很多，不知道表达清楚了没。。先说声谢谢啊

hichangkeUID：3015556

还有
关于作文1的修改:   如果 do you support or oppose the factory,加上， 我文章 第一段里的， Therefore, I believe that a large company would improve the economic circumstance in our community 算不算立论了？  这样， 第二段的 让步反驳， 说of course , agruments willbe raised agianst this standpoint .是否就合理了呢？

hichangkeUID：3015556

修改版： 红色部分

Topic 5, a company has announced that  it wishes to build a large factory near your community. discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this new influence on your community. Do you support or oppose the factory? Explain your position .

      4,25th

Until recently our community has not had any big factories and most of the population depend on agriculture. Even their meager income are at the mercy of the weather since drought and flood always lead to a poor harvest. For this reason, I believe the construction of a large factory would make a big difference to our community.

Admittedly, the construction of a new factory would do irreparable damage to the local environment. Extra noise, polluted air and contaminated water will not only greatly affect the living quality but also directly ]impair the physical health of the local people. Moreover, when factory waste dumped into the river, the water downstream would become undrinkable and unusable for agriculture, and also kill the plants and animal life in the rivers.

However, environmental pollution can be controlled to some extent under strict policy. Furthermore, the advantage of building a new factory is extremely appealing as a result of the ailing economy in our community. It can create jobs with regular salaries, which is badly needed by the inhabitants of our community. Meanwhile the cheap labor and low production cost in our community can also bring a substantial profit to the factory . All of these would contribute to the future prosperity of our community, which, in turn, would encourage the further investment from outside and policy support from local government. Finally, increased income would enable more family to send their children to high school or maybe even university. A good education of our youth generation, as many people believe, would be the only way to break the vicious cycle of poverty.

To sum up , considering the relatively desperate economic situation of our community , I believe the potential benefits of opening a factory would outweigh the risks. Though it may pollute our environment, there must be some approaches to control the damage with proper precautions.

mpromanusUID：2565872

4# hichangke

If you could change one important thing about your hometown, what would you change?

If I have the chance to change one thing of my hometown, I would like to choose the current condition of the city libraries. Contributing to the rapid economic development, the public facilities of my hometown such as schools and hospitals have significantly upgraded (The upgrade of public facilities looks more like a result of the 'rapid economic development', rather than a 'contribution' to it.). On the contrary, seldom have the public libraries been improved to meet the needs of local people.

The most serious problem is the low quality of book provision. The range of books and materials offered is narrow; reference books are out of date; the fiction book collection is unimpressive; and the foreign material part is totally obsolete. Moreover, professional books, which are valuable to scholars and students, are extremely scarce. As a result , inaccessible (Books are 'inaccessible', not people.)to their wanted books definitely frustrated citizens to read and collect material in our libraries. (I'm not understanding this sentence at all. Do you mean 'citizens who want to read and collect materials in our libraries are frustrated, because they can't access the books they want'? Use simple, straight-forward sentences. Do not try too hard to be impressive if you don't really know how to use a construct correctly.) As we know, it is sometimes difficult for ordinary people to obtain substantial original material they need from the outside world (You mean, libraries are not part of 'the outside world'? :) It's not like they are 'inside' people's houses..I guess my question is: the 'outside world' is 'outside' of what?). Therefore, public libraries with financial subsidies have the responsibility to solve this problem and serve as a medium for people to know about the world.

It is understandable that the majority of the readers wish to borrow them home to enjoy the comfortable reading and convenient reference of the books. However, this reasonable demand gives rise to another problem: there would not be enough books for other readers once it has (I thought you were talking about 'them' books..) been borrowed. What a low ratio of books to people in our city! It is far below the national average according to the statistics. For this reason, appropriate measures should be taken to alleviate the book shortage, which could enable more people to take advantage of the public material in our city libraries.

Finally, minor problems, such as the shabby physical appearance and the inefficient management of the libraries need to be solved as well. It is obvious that no one wants to read in a dingy library and endures its poor management.

Consequently, our city is aching for a better library system. Since I believe that the library is a crucial element in a healthy community, more funds should be directed to its upkeep and improvement. This would benefit a large number of inhabitants in our city, especially the younger generation.


总结：

我不觉得这篇这样写特别跑题的。这个题目本身是开放式的，它没有很严格地限定你需要写什么内容。如果题目特别指明要你写change会带来什么好处，那么自然是要写的，但是这个题目只是问你要change什么，唯一的潜台词是important，那么我认为主要是必须论述你要change什么，change的细节方面A,B,C（实际上就近乎等于具体的什么问题需要change）。次要的可以点一下这为什么是个important的change。余下的可以自由发挥 - change之后有什么好处，这写不写都可以。。这也就是我之前给你强调的，读题目，读懂题目想让你写什么（也就是所谓的task requirement是否满足）。


问题1. 如果题目有问你support or oppose，那你之前那样写就对了。


问题2. 见上。如果你实在要面面俱到，可以考虑如下写法：第一段点明要change什么，然后三段，每段提出一个需要change的具体方面，为什么需要change（现状/问题），怎么change，change了之后有什么好处，最后一段简单总结。但是我个人看法是，越想在一篇300-400字的文章内面面俱到，对语言控制力的要求就越高，所以通常想写的东西太多反而会适得其反，不如在逻辑上简单直接一点，但尽量写得正确清楚。


问题3. 如果你觉得自己的主要问题是缺乏思路，那么多看好的范文，然后可以总结出比如某类话题通常会怎么展开这样的规律来，aka 分类模板这样的东西，你就可以自己照着写了。

hichangkeUID：3015556

2009 0911 NA
only movies that can teach us something about real life worth watching, agree or disagree？

May 15th  20:11

Words:458

The boom of film industry has provided copious movies for modern people and movies, undoubtedly, have become an indispensible part of our lives. Determining which type of movies to watch is an individual choice which, definitely, should not be interfered by others. Consequently , it is a highly subjective judgement  that only movies that teach us something about real life worth watching and I disagree with it for the following reasons.

Admittedly, watching movies that teach us something about real life is thought-provoking and rewarding. Limited by personal angle and experience, some people always fail to see the big picture of the whole thing , and thus they tend to be caught in an impossible dilemma. Under this circumstance, movies with true of life allow them to rethink their lives and get out of the depression. Moreover, the inspiring stories of the heroes in the movies motivate people to take a positive attitude towards life. For instance, the hero in the movie The pursuit Of Happiness impressed me greatly by his persistence and optimism towards the difficulties in his life. Whenever I feel frustrated , I always think of him and try to persevere and face up to those setbacks.

Objectively speaking, it is somewhat narrow to claim that only movies that teaches us something about real life is worthwhile , as some people believe. There are a variety of movies of great benefit to us: historical movies always enable us to learn lessons from history; a movie about Egyptian life may offer us a glimpse of their culture and religious belief. In addition, watching varied types of instructive movies extensively is an effective and enjoyable approach to learn new things, which would definitely broaden our horizon. Therefore, besides those teach us something about real life, there are abundant movies else worth watching.

On the other hand, people watching movies not just for the purpose of learning something, more importantly, for relaxation and fresh experience .With the intense pressure in modern life, people in increasing number consider watching movies as their major avenue to reduce stress. Combined with enjoyable stories and remarkable visual experience, movies successfully attract people’s attention and provide an easily accessible means of entertainment. Moreover, tasting others lives by watching movies offer us a fascinating tour. The immortal love in the movie titanic , for instance , touched every audience deeply and was regarded as a representative work of romantic moives.

In conclusion, although the movies that teach us something about real life worth watching, there are various movies else not only rewarding but also instructive. On the other hand, movies provide us an enjoyable ways to relaxation, thus it is subjective and somewhat narrow to maintain that we must learn something by watching movies.

mpromanusUID：2565872

9# hichangke

Only movies that can teach us something about real life are worth watching, agree or disagree?

The boom of the film industry has provided copious movies for modern people and movies, undoubtedly, have become an indispensible part of our lives. Determining which type of movies to watch is an individual choice which, definitely, should not be interfered by others. Consequently, it is a highly subjective judgement that only movies that teach us something about real life are worth watching, and I disagree with it for the following reasons.

Admittedly, watching movies that teach us something about real life is thought-provoking and rewarding. Limited by personal angle and experience, some people always fail to see the big picture of the whole thing (Anything is a ‘thing’. What is this ‘thing’, anyway?), and thus they tend to be caught in an impossible dilemma (What exactly is this ‘impossible dilemma’? A dilemma could be anything as long as you have two equally undesirable choices, so it could be as small as choosing between two equally terrible restaurants or as big as choosing between liberty and order. What exactly is yours?). Under this circumstance, movies with truth of life allow them to rethink their lives and get out of the depression. Moreover, the inspiring stories of the heroes (So, you mean movies that teach us something about real life are always inspiring stories of heroes? Hmm..several great tragedies by Akira Kurosawa 黑泽明 would then not meet your criteria but they are nevertheless among the few movies that taught me so very much about life. I don’t mean to say your definition of such movies is wrong. I mean to show you how important it is to start with a clear outline of what the question means to you. For this particular question, the definition of ‘movies that teach us something about real life’ could be very, very subjective, and this is a potential grey area in the discussion. It’s thus very important that we write out clearly what kind of movies we’re discussing in the opening paragraph.) in the movies motivate people to take a positive attitude towards life. For instance, the hero in the movie The Pursuit Of Happiness impressed me greatly by his persistence and optimism towards the difficulties in his life. Whenever I feel frustrated, I always think of him and try to persevere and face up to those setbacks. (So are you actually agreeing with the statement? You said ‘I disagree..with the following reasons’, so I’d of course expect you to follow with reasons rather than 让步. If you intend this paragraph to be 让步, then you need to state this preferably in the opening paragraph, and also make this paragraph as short/concise as possible. Do not use a particular essay layout just because a sample essay does so. You need to know why such a layout works for that sample essay and judge for yourself whether this layout suits your purpose and your choice of language.)

Objectively speaking, it is somewhat narrow to claim that only movies that teaches us something about real life are worthwhile, as some people believe. There are a variety of movies of great benefit to us: historical movies always enable us to learn lessons from history; a movie about Egyptian life may offer us a glimpse of their culture and religious belief. (Does a movie about Egyptian life belong to ‘historical movies’? Or you actually mean that it is a different ‘variety’ of movies? This mix of generic and specific ‘varieties’ of movies is very confusing.) In addition, watching varied types of instructive (If you do mean ‘instructive’ then you’ll end up agreeing with the question’s statement somewhat..because ‘instructive’ does not mean ‘instructional’. It means exactly ‘being able to teach a lesson; enlightening’ in the figurative way..so you’re saying watching movies that can teach us a lesson is good..) movies extensively is an effective and enjoyable approach to learn new things, which would definitely broaden our horizons. Therefore, besides those that teach us something about real life, there are other abundant movies else that are worth watching. (Again, I have to ask: so you seem to think a movie about ‘Egyptian life’ does not teach us anything about real life? What makes you think so? If that movie is about modern life in Egypt, won’t it teach you a lot about real life in Egypt? (This again shows you why it is important to define what exactly ‘movies that teach us something about real life’ means to you, UP FRONT, before you even start the discussion.)

On the other hand, people watching movies not just for the purpose of learning something, but more importantly, for relaxation and fresh experience. With the intense pressure in modern life, people in increasing numbers consider watching movies as their major avenue to reduce stress. Combined with enjoyable stories and remarkable visual experience, movies successfully attract people’s attention and provide an easily accessible means of entertainment. Moreover, tasting others’ lives by watching movies offer us a fascinating tour. The immortal love in the movie Titanic , for instance , touched every audience deeply and was regarded as a representative work of romantic moivies. (Now I don’t really get you. If this paragraph is a reason of your disagreement with ‘only movies that teach us something about real life are worth watching’, and you cite how romantic movies are very good – do you mean that romantic movies do not teach us anything about real life? Then again I have to question you: why do you think this is even a valid definition? If you have established your definition early in the paragraph, and I understand that ‘romantic movies are NOT movies that teach us something about real life’ is your basis of the entire paragraph, then yes, this paragraph is valid, but you didn’t.)

In conclusion, although the movies that teach us something about real life are worth watching, there are various other movies else (‘else’ is used with indefinite pronouns e.g. ‘something else’.) that are not only rewarding but also instructive. On the other hand, movies provide us an enjoyable ways of relaxation, thus it is subjective and somewhat narrow to maintain that we must learn something by watching movies.

总结：

主要的问题很简单，就是定义不清。题目给了你一个定义，你连这个定义到底是什么都没搞清楚，就开始哗啦哗啦地按电影题材分类写，于是论述中就会出现各种混淆 – xx电影不算题目说的那种吗？还是题目中的那种电影实际是xx类电影呢？xx类电影又算不算xx类电影呢？诸如此类。当然不是所有的题目都需要一上来就厘清定义，但是这个题目本身的可讨论性就在它给出的定义的模糊性上 – teach us something about real life的电影可以是任何题材的电影，可以是恐怖片、爱情片、励志片、战争片甚至动画片，如果你按普通的题材分类法来论述这个题目就会有分类定义不清的问题。所以你如果要按题材分类讨论，请在一开始就定义好‘我认为题目所说的电影是xx,xx,xx类的电影’，否则根本无法进行清晰的论述。

hichangkeUID：3015556

20091017 NA
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Movies and televisions should always show audience good people are being rewarded and bad people are being punished

May 17th, 16:37

Words: 448

Movies and television, combined with vivid picture and fascinating stories, tend to become an indispensable part of people lives. Obviously, what television and movies show clearly exert an intense influence on people's view of things. For this reason, some people maintain that movies should always show audience that good people are being rewarded and bad people are being punished. nevertheless , I disagree with this opinion and my reasons are stated as below.

Admittedly, it is coincident with social morals to show that good people are being rewarding and bad people are being punished, which would help to foster a    favourable social atmosphere. Imagining that, if all the movies and televisions keep showing the opposite things, which good people usually come to no good end; whereas bad people, still at large even though they commit something wrong, what would our society be like? This would definitely mislead audience to believe that they can do whatever they want so as to satisfy their desires, without being punished. Likewise, people would feel resentful about unjust society that even good people do not gain reward.

On the contrary, if movies and televisions present the opposite thing, which is true but ignored by the public, it will do good to the society, as well. For example, when the latest Law and Justice, a popular television programme in China, expose a man, the son of a local official, evaded the punishment after killed a woman in drunken driving, criticism and doubt raised intensely. Eventually, the man receive the punishment he deserved as a result of strong public pressure. Therefore, by revealing the facts and telling us true stories, movies and televisions could definitely play a positive role in our society.

Moreover, movies and television would have an adverse impact on children if  they always show them good people being rewarding and bad people be punished. Children tend to consider things simply and believe it easily:  good people should obtain reward while, bad people, deserve being punished. However , when they grow up , it is turned out that it is not always the truth  and they might be confused and even frustrated by the brutal facts. But we have to admit that there are injustices in our society, children, as the future of our nation, need to know it and view this phenomenon in a right way.

In conclusion, there is no need for movies and televisions always show audience that good people be rewarding and bad people be punished, even though it is coincident with our social morals. Because they might do harm to children and telling the facts, as I have demonstrated, is indeed of great benefit to our society.

hichangkeUID：3015556

20100320  NA
13,   since most people can solve their problems by themselves or with the help from their families , the help from government is often not necessary.


不同意
1，很多贫困的人还是需要政府的帮助
2，政府在重大灾难面前力量很大，个人很少能够独立解决这个问题。
2，面对一些疾病，如艾滋病，由于社会普遍的恐惧，个人很难找到解决的办法。

Words: 431

When it comes to by what means individuals use to deal with their problems, some people claim that since most people can solve their problems by themselves or with the help from their families, the help from government is often not necessary. However, I disagree with it and my reasons are listed as below.

First of all, when facing big disasters, people extremely need government to help them get out of their plight. Recent years, the increasing frequency of natural disasters, such as earthquakes, floods, have cause considerate damage to people’s property, and many people even lose their home and friends .Under this circumstance, it is hard for individuals to get through their difficulties without government‘s help. For example, when the horrible Sichuan Earthquake happened, effective measures were taken by Chinese government to help people; it made every effort to rescue the injured, provide temporary refuges and distribute necessary food to the refugees. Therefore ,without the help of government, how could people in those area rebuild their home and solve them problems by themselves?

More importantly, not everyone can receive effective help from their friends or families, especially for those who live in poverty and aged people with no family. Constrained by their ability, age, or physical disability, those people often failed to solve their problems by themselves. In this case, government's help is of great significance to them, rather than not necessary. For instance, urban subsistence allowances enable people who live below the poverty line to maintain their basic lives and many poor people rely on government subsidy to support their children’s education.


On the other hand, for special groups, such as those who suffered from infectious diseases like AIDS, government help could be the major way to solve their problems. They often face the discrimination from the society and sometimes ,they might be abandoned by their families and friends. As a result, them can hardly make a living by themselves and government help is extremely necessary. For instance, many governments in the world provide free medicament for HIV victims, and in addition, governments take various measures to publicize relevant knowledge about ADIS, which help to reduce the biases against them.

In conclusion, it is unjust to make the judgment that since many people can solve their problems by themselves and their friends ,government help is often unnecessary. Because it is hard for people to solve problems by their own when they suffered from big disaster and infectious disease like AIDS, or they are live below the poverty line ,when help from families and friends is often not available.

hichangkeUID：3015556

问题：
1，每个论点后的例子举过后还需要总结么？ 不总结的话，总觉得缺点啥， 但再总结，无非就是把论证重申一遍，很容易重复， 而且语句很难变化呀。。
2, 练到现在，觉得自己还是没法限时完成作文， 每次写完了都要花很久改后才觉得能看。。。 而且仔细看了后， 发现在限时环境下写出的作文， 论证就很累赘，废话多，思路也不清楚， 但回头改的时候就觉得很清晰了，可是改动还是很大。 除了多练习，还有什么办法呢？很是困惑啊。

mpromanusUID：2565872

12# hichangke

Since most people can solve their problems by themselves or with the help from their families, the help from government is often not necessary.

When it comes to by what means individuals use to deal with their problems, some people claim that since most people can solve their problems by themselves or with the help from their families, the help from the government is often not necessary. However, I disagree with it and my reasons are listed as below.

First of all, when facing big disasters, people extremely need (You are trying to translate 非常需要, aren’t you..but it doesn’t work this way. You can say ‘are in extreme need (of)’ or ‘need …very much’, but not ‘extremely need’.) the government to help them get out of their plight. In Recent years, the increasing frequency of natural disasters, such as earthquakes and floods, has (The subject of this sentence is ‘the increasing frequency’, not ‘disasters’.) caused considerable damage to people’s properties, and many people even lose their homes and friends .Under this circumstance, it is hard for individuals to get through their difficulties without the government‘s help. For example, when the horrible Sichuan Earthquake (Sichuan has had quite some earthquakes in history, and Wenchuan Earthquake is no longer a current event. If it is still current, you can say it’s THE Sichuan Earthquake because everybody automatically knows which earthquake you refer to. But it’s now a past event, so you need more of a context. At the very least, say ‘the Sichuan Earthquake in 2008’. This way, anyone who doesn’t know about this earthquake can at least google.) happened, effective measures were taken by the Chinese government to help people; it made every effort to rescue the injured, provide temporary refuges and distribute necessary food to the refugees. Therefore, without the help of the government, how could people in those areas rebuild their homes and solve their problems by themselves?

More importantly, not everyone can receive effective help from their friends or families, especially for those who live in poverty and aged people with no family. Constrained by their ability, age, or physical disability, those people often failed to solve their problems by themselves. In this case, the government's help is of great significance to them, rather than unnecessary. For instance, urban subsistence allowances enable people who live below the poverty line to maintain their basic lives, and many poor people rely on government subsidies to support their children’s education.

On the other hand (Why 'on the other hand'? You're still discussing supporting ideas to your opinion, and you're not really talking about a contrasting opinion, so there's really nothing on 'the other' hand..you can say things like 'furthermore' though.), for special groups, such as those who suffered from infectious diseases like AIDS, government help could be the major way to solve their problems. They often face the discrimination from the society, and sometimes, they might be abandoned by their families and friends. As a result, they can hardly make a living by themselves and government help is extremely necessary. For instance, many governments in the world provide free medication for HIV victims, and in addition, governments take various measures to publicize relevant knowledge about AIDS, which help to reduce the biases against them.

In conclusion, it is unjust to make the judgment that since many people can solve their problems by themselves and their friends, government help is often unnecessary. Because it is hard for people to solve problems by their own when they suffered from big disasters or infectious disease like AIDS, or when they are living below the poverty line ,when help from families and friends is often not available.

总结：

我觉得这篇写得不错啊。。

1. 你的分论段结束的时候是否已经清晰地能看出和主要论点的关系了呢？总结的目的不是为了重复论点，而是指出分论点为什么可以说明总论点。像你现在这样写，实际上是结尾在具体例子上，而不是总论点上，所以还是需要简单地回到主论点去。

2. 这个很自然。在没有习惯多问‘为什么’的情况下，思维不能很迅速地找到论述中一针见血的那个位置，会有一个反复的过程。练多了自然就熟练了。

luyandaUID：2564608

感觉楼主的这篇文章是不是有点偏题

题目要写的是“既然很多人已经可以自助解决问题，所以政府已经不需要帮助他们了”，重点应该放在很多人可以自助时，政府需不需要出手

但是楼主从头到尾都在“很多人都不能自己解决问题，所以政府需要帮助他们”，感觉题目的内涵有所变化