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hypnosis@1122
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发表于 2011-5-16 19:42:51 |显示全部楼层

5.16独立作文

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江左风华
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发表于 2011-5-17 12:44:03 |显示全部楼层

楼主我改好了！但我不会插入附件= = 球赐教

杀T

双非DIY美硕申请总结

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hypnosis@1122
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发表于 2011-5-17 12:59:23 |显示全部楼层

我是开贴的时候插的附件，回复的时候我也穿不了附件，直接黏贴上来吧 2# 江左风华

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发表于 2011-5-17 15:18:57 |显示全部楼层

本帖最后由江左风华于 2011-5-17 15:21 编辑

Currently, fast increasing developments of society as well as the elimination of the political control has enabled people to move from one place to another much easier than before. This also arouses a dilemma that some people thinks moving to a new place will lose old friends. Actually, I disagree with this viewpoint, following reasons will substantiate my perspective.
一看开头就让人神清气爽啊~~~
First and foremost, moving to a new city provides a new opportunity for me. Obviously, there are individuals who even have not left their hometowns（have never left是不是更习惯一些）, which means they lose an abundance of chance to get access to a new world. In contrast, moving to a place you have never been to is beneficial to broaden your mind. The brilliant geologist John Smith went traveling around the world when he was young which might be one of the reasons he could achieve his fame.
这一段的论述不错~
Secondly, even though moving to a new city, I can make new friends. （我觉得even though的语气过于强烈了，而此处并不是十分明显的转折，Though moving to a new city, I can make new friends yet.)(Also,)I will keep in touch with my old friends,(去掉 and simultaneously, I will try to know some new people）. （Every去掉） friendship has its commence（Friendship is alike). I could still remember the situationI made my first friend. （I still remember the times when I meet my first friend)Moving to a new city does not mean it is the end of the day. (晕....意思换的太快了......我还以为要说一说第一个朋友的故事呢）To speak more specifically, when I was ten, I followed my family to a absolutely(totally) new city far away from my hometown. I have to say I never forget how frustrated I was at that time. However, when I got acquainted by others, I made new friends. Now I really like to live in different place to know some new people. 这一段写得有些夹缠不清，你的意思应该就是能够交到新朋友，同时不忘旧朋友吧，建议前半段全部写新朋友，后半段全部写不忘旧友，不要一会儿新朋友一会儿旧朋友

Finally, it is a challenge for you if you can adjust to a new environment. For example, my elder brother used to living with my parents for he did not want to challenge to go out finding a job. Once my father forced him to leave
for a new city, without any help, he had to get adjust to a new place. Now he gets a good job and knows new friends. 可以再写得充分一些，比如哥哥遇到的一些困难以及他的成长变化，将会是很有说服力的论述

Judging from all reasons offered above, we may safely arrive at the conclusion that moving to a new place has plenty advantages.

没有觉得跑题，但是主要的论述段稍嫌说理不够充分，再稍微注意一下用词的准确性就更好了~ 个人意见，请勿见怪~！