新人第一篇writing，求批阅= =

zjjmonkeyUID: 3007677

这是我发的第一个帖子，赶脚有点慌。
今天严格意义上第一次敲了一篇writing，花了差不多正好30分钟，感觉还是像4、6级作文一样，写的好幼稚啊。希望各位批阅给点意见，感激不尽~
Does modern technology help students learn more informtion and learn it more quickly?

With the development of society and the whole world,we human beings have designed and produced many sorts of technical tools, which improve our life significantly.Specially,modern technology also make contributions
to learning process of students.Now the problems arises.Many people wander if technology has truly helped students,or it is just entertainment tools for students.I believe that technology is surely helpful for students.

At first,I'd like to state that technology makes learning more attractive.When I was young as a primary student or middle school student,sometimes I would feel boring for the textbooks and qusetions which I need to be faced with all day long.I am sure that many students had the similar experience as me.So it is the time that technology works. Technical tools for study such as computer, mp3, teaching vedios are commonly more interesting and attractive than the words in books.They can arise our motivation for study.

In addition to the attraction for sutdents, modern technology has the ability to make learning process more efficient.Everyone,include teachers and students, is tired of some things in study which make little sense, such as
typing . So with the contribution of technogy,we can avoid these which is totally waste of time.We are able to copy a file or someting easily by computer. Furthermore, communication plays an important role in learning,no matter between students or between teacher and student.Internet allows us to share thoughts about knowledge more easily and conveniently.

Lastly, I guess that technology makes us contact more knowledge and learn more knowledge. Nowadays, there are abundent resources for learning on Internet. We can frequently find lots of useful informtion from websites, such as library on net,Internet community,etc.. More knowledge makes wider horizon. Undoubtly,its is the essential object that we need.

In brief, I hold the opinion that technology makes a positive influence on students. I recommend wider application of modern technology in school.

mpromanusUID: 2565872

1# zjjmonkey

Does modern technology help students learn more information and learn it more quickly?
With the development of society and the whole world, we human beings have designed and produced many sorts of technical tools, which improve our lives significantly. Specially, modern technology also makes contributions (Although you could just say ‘contributes’.) to the learning process of students. Now the problems (What ‘problems’ are ‘the problems’? If you use ‘the’, the noun must be specific – that this entity should not be confused with any other entity of the same kind, e.g. ‘[The cat I saw yesterday] is black.’ where ‘the’ means I was talking about one very specific cat, not just any cat in the world. Or ‘I was talking about [the black cat], not the white one.’ The proper use of ‘the’ is one English grammar point that every Chinese student seems to have problem with, which makes me doubt if this was taught properly at all.) arises. Many people wonder (‘wander’ is an entirely different word.) if technology has truly helped students, or it is just entertainment tools for students. I believe that technology is surely helpful for students. (‘helpful’ can be expressed in many ways. It doesn’t necessarily ‘help students learn more and learn more quickly’. An intelligent automatic timetabling system, for example, would be a very helpful study-planning tool for tertiary students, but it doesn’t really help them much in learning. Be careful not to generalize the topic – in your case, ‘help students learn more and learn more quickly’ becomes a much wider ‘help students’ - and forget about what exactly your question is asking for.)

At first (This means ‘at the beginning’ in time, not ‘first’ or ‘firstly’ in order.), I'd like to state that technology makes learning more attractive. When I was young as a primary student or middle school student, sometimes I would feel bored with the textbooks and questions which I need to be faced with (‘face with’ usually pairs with abstract nouns, e.g. ‘faced with danger’.) all day long. I am sure that many students had the similar experience as mine (Compare ‘experience’ to ‘experience’, not ‘experience’ to ‘person’.). So it is the time (What is ‘the time’?  'it’ is not a specific subject. If you said ‘This is the time that technology works’, then that is a specific subject because ‘this’ refers to something you have said previously.) that technology works. Technical tools for study such as the computer, the mp3 (Neither the computer nor the mp3 was designed ‘for study’. At the most, they ‘can be used to aid studies’.), teaching videos are commonly more interesting and attractive than the words in books. They can arise (‘Arise’ is a vi., meaning you can only say ‘<someone>/<something> arises’, but not ‘arise + <something>/<someone>’. Use a good English-English dictionary with sample sentences and understand how words are to be used in English. Do not use words based on their Chinese meanings alone.) our motivation for study. (So? You mean better motivation will automatically translate to ‘learn more and learn more quickly’? Why do you think this kind of assumption is valid, to start with? This is exactly what I was talking about at the end of the first paragraph – your discussion has changed to ‘technology is helpful for students’, which is a much broader topic than ‘technology helps students to learn more and learn more quickly’. Your arguments and examples are therefore not targeted and not specific.)

In addition to the attraction for students, modern technology has the ability to make the learning process more efficient. Everyone, including teachers and students, are tired of some things in study which make little sense, such as typing (I’m not sure if I’m getting this sentence. Why is ‘typing’ part of ‘studying’? In terms of educational theory, if something in your studies makes little sense and is boring/tiring, then that thing is probably not really a ‘studying’ task, not an effective one at least.). So with the contribution of technology, we can avoid these which are totally wastes of time. We are able to copy a file or something easily by computers (Before computers we had copier machines. Before copier machines there were professional typists and scribes. I just don’t get why you keep saying that ‘typing’ is a waste of time in study, and how computer file copying solves the problem – you still need to type your document before you have something to copy, don’t you..) Furthermore, communication plays an important role in learning, no matter between students or between the teacher and the student. The Internet allows us to share thoughts about knowledge more easily and conveniently. (Again, you only talked about what technology can do better for students, but not that students will learn more and learn more quickly. Of course, you can say ‘I said more easily and conveniently’, but that was on ‘share thoughts about knowledge’. Is that the same as ‘learning’? It comes back to the same problem – are you actually addressing the question and ARGUING for your opinion, or are you just DESCRIBING random good things about technology and learning?).

Lastly, I guess that technology makes us contact with more knowledge and learn more knowledge. Nowadays, there are abundant resources for learning on the Internet. We can frequently find lots of useful information from websites, such as online libraries on net, Internet communities, etc.. More knowledge makes a wider horizon. Undoubtedly, its is the essential object that we need (Again, what is this ‘it’? A wider horizon? More knowledge? Or something else?).

In brief, I hold the opinion that technology makes a positive influence (Your topic is getting even bigger, from ‘helpful’ to ‘positive influence’..) on students. I recommend wider application of modern technology in school. (This is totally uncalled for. Do not provide new information that you never elaborated - the conclusion is for things that you have properly discussed.)

总结：

首先请注意拼写。语言方面词语搭配比较中式化，但语法尚可。

论述方面基本没有扣题，第一段就把题目放大成了helpful for students之后就是在描述technology怎么好啊怎么好，题目里的learn more and more quickly完全被无视。。议论文的目的不是描述一个东西好或者不好，是要证明一个观点，像数学证明一样需要因为和所以，而不是单纯的‘第一，A是这样的，这样的，这样的；第二，A是那样的，那样的，还有那样的’这种。这是描写而不是议论。议论的样子是‘第一，A是这样的。为什么说A是这样，因为这样的东西必定会那样，而A有表现出来那样，所以A就是这样。’。。希望你弄清楚这两种写法的区别。

chaplin30UID: 2974452

受益匪浅

shanyeqipingUID: 2950122

2# mpromanus

请问？？？您是英语老师吗？？看了你的解说，好专业阿。。。。谢谢了！　学到了很多。。。。

axfe_xz@163.comUID: 3065388

对于新人来说 这篇习作的批改收益还是很大的