【Daily Writing作文特训小组】likejin2012的作文贴！求监督！求指导！

likejin2012UID: 2847537

9.17 的托福考试。
为了督促自己每天练习，为了和大家同舟共济，特参加此次Daily Writing作文特训小组活动
希望大家能对我的作文提出宝贵的意见，可大可小，可多可少～～～
再此谢过～～～

likejin2012UID: 2847537

时间：08月01日
1   TPO 19综合写作部分

the spearker in the lecture is a part-time buzzer. He though the passage was misleading so he made three points to challenge the views in the reading passage.
first,  he said that it iwas not true that buzzers gave incorrect information. for example, he bought a cellphone and felt the service was really good. Even though he was paid by the company all the good evaluations on the cellphone he made to the consumers are real praise, without cheating or misleading.
secondly,it is not  the case that people would be less critical and less suspicious facing the buzzer. he have met a lot of consumers who asked a lot of questions such as the prize the service about the products and informations about how long it can work. The consumers would not buy the products if he does not answer their questions.
thirdly, he did not agree that buzzers destroied the trust in the world. he said he was sincere while he was promoting the products. In his opinion, once the consumer bought the products he promoted ,they would love them and experience the trustful open world.


2.独立写作
8月1日 20090227NA A job with more vacation time is better than a job with high salarybut less vacation time.

Is a job with more vocation better than a well-paid job with less vocation time,?It is unwise to make a conclusion since people would give different answers based on their own evaluation standards.
In this modern society, salary is the major resource of money for people to conduct daily activities or commercial trades. However, money can not satisfy people and neither can it ensure the sense of happiness. While it is true that money can be exchanged with products such as houses cars and clothes, which are necessities in life, people are in need of spiritual satisfactions as well. What is more, everyone who has a long period time of working should relax the body and relieve the mind ,so vocations are required.
Therefore, the best way to make a balance between working and relaxing is to divide one’s time into two parts------the time for working and the time for vocation. However, as for the definite amount of time for the each, it varies from people to people to make specific decisions.
There is no doubt that more vocational time would provide more time for relaxation but a reduction in salary .once it is out of one certain limit , it is possible that the salary is not enough to to support the basic expenditures for a family. Under such situation, it is nessessary to increase the working time. on the contratry , more time for working may bring more pressure more trouble and a higher probability of illness.
In a conclusion,it is not easy to balance the time for working and vocation, people should set the specific time with consideration about their expections for salaries, their healthy conditions and their ability to bear the pressure.

ilhrxUID: 2759939

搞定

happinessviviUID: 2837177

The speaker in the lecture is a part-timebuzzer. He though (thought) the opinion in the passage was misleading so he madethree points to challenge the views in the reading passage.


First, he said that it was not true thatbuzzers gave incorrect information. For example, he bought a cellphone and feltthe service was really good. Even though he was paid by the company, all thegood evaluations on the cellphone he made to the consumers are real praise,without cheating or misleading.


Secondly, it is not the case that peoplewould be less critical and less suspicious facing the buzzer. The man in the lecture (觉得这个当主语比较好) has met a lot of consumers whoasked a lot of questions such as the prize and the service about the productsand some information (information不可数) about how long it can work. Theconsumers would not buy the products if they do not getthe answers. (我觉得应该让consumer继续当主语，这样逻辑上会觉得清晰一些。)


Thirdly, he did not agree that buzzersdestroyed the trust in the world. He said he was sincere while he was promotingthe products. In his opinion, once the consumer bought the products hepromoted, they would love them ( 把them改成product的话比较一些吧，不然这句总觉得读起来有些怪，这是个人感受，也不知道对不对。) and experience thetrustful open world.


注意一下书写格式，每段的开头单词要大写，文章中还存在一些拼写错误要注意一下，毕竟真实考试的时候那个作文面板没有word纠错功能啊，嘿嘿~


还有就是觉得在写作文的时候，可以注意一下句子的表达，觉得逻辑上一些不清，多看一些范文会好一些。我也是新手，不足之处请见谅~~~

likejin2012UID: 2847537

8.2  独立
8月2日 20090807NA Parents should allow children to make their own choices rather than help determine children's future.

Everyone should admit that no one has the right to make a choice for another person,. Even though parents ,who have much more experience than children and can offer many instructions , are said to be children’s initial teachers, they should not determine the children’s future. So I definitely agree with the assertion that parents should allow their children to choose by themselves. They had better not to interfere with their children’s determination

Firstly and most importantly, Interests are important for people, they help people to find the true happiness in life , moreover, they can serve as topics in the chatting between friends. So everyone need to cultivate their interests . However, parents’ determinations may conflict with their children’s interests. For example, a boy wants major at art in the university since he loves painting and wants to be an artist in the future, however, artists do not get decent paying and they even do not have an fixed job. Most  infamous artists lead a poor life and do not respected by others. So the boy’s father urge him to take the courses of finance which he does not like in order to get a well-paid job after graduation.

Secondly, chidren should learn how to make determinations on themselves and they need to take the risks of determinations. Making a determination is one skill people should possess, there are a lot of teemagers who are scared of making a decision or they are hesitated before choices, they waste a lot of time and energy before making a determination. The reason could be that they seldom make decisions by themselves but do what their parents tell them to. What is more, risks are unavoidable after the determination. It is necessary for children to understand that once you are determined to achieve a goal you need to make efforts. They also need to learn some principles of life such as lose comes with gain.

In all, parents are not recommended to make choices for their children. Children need to and have to determine their own future.

chhiwawaUID: 2958205

the speaker in the lecture is a part-time buzzer. He though the passage was misleading so he made three points to challenge the views in the reading passage.( F- u/ [: J' o3 Z9 W* Y2 d0 ~) A


first,  he said that it was not true that buzzers gave incorrect information(我觉得你的这个开头，可以转换一种方式来说，说buzzer提供的信息是真实的，用正面的观点，而不是反向去说). For example, he bought a cell phone and felt the service was really good（个人认为一句话这样，很突兀。可不可以说 its because he bought a cell phone and felt the service was really good that he was hired by the company and became a buzzer. 这里还指出一点，那个公司hire他是因为他得真实体验，也算是一个原因吧，我觉得，呵呵呵，所以还是提一下~~然后后面一句，就加上，that is to say, even though…）. Even though he was paid by the company all the good evaluations on the cellphone he made to the consumers are real praise, without cheating or misleading./ C5 G/ \8 O!
最后还是应该对应写一写阅读中德观点，例如..On the contrary, the passage holds a differnent point that d: （）

secondly, it is not  the case that people would be less critical and less suspicious facing the buzzer. he have met a lot of consumers who asked a lot of questions such as the prize the service about the products and information about how long it can work. The consumers would not buy the products if he does not answer their questions. （这里的问题同上，理由的说法应该做一些改变）。

Thirdly, he did not agree that buzzers destroyed the trust in the world. he said he was sincere while he was promoting the products. In his opinion, once the consumer bought the products he promoted, they would love them and experience the trustful open world.$ M9 t- b* G  x# }6 @1 {5 N. Z$ o（问题同上）

likejin2012UID: 2847537

8．2综合
Tpo 20

As to the view that “let it burn” would cause damages, the speaker in the lecture does not agree , she makes three points to argue aginst it.

Firstly, she points our that instead of causing damages to the park trees and vegetation, YellowStone fire provide certain circumstance for some kinds of plants to grow up. For example, after two-month buring, the big fire has spread over a large areas. As a consequence, plenty of large trees have been incinerated, the land becomes open which is suitable for some small trees. Moreover, some kind of seeds only generate when they are exposed to heat. The YellowStone fire just heat the seeds to faciliate their generation. Therefore, many new kinds of plants come out after the big fire.

Secondly, the speaker says that animals’ population recover after the fire and the fire makes the food chain of the wildlife in YellowStone Park much stronger. Specifically, the fire provides new opportunities for small trees to replace the original trees in the park, which create ideal habitat for certain kinds of animals such as rabbits and hare. At the same time, numbers of animals predate on rabbits and hare increase, which finally made the food chain stronger.

Lastly, damages on the tourism and economy are limited .Because the fire is so tremendous that it is one unusual event in the history, which seldom happens after 1988.Tourists came back after the fire and the number is growing every year .Therefore, tourism is back to normal in a short period of time after the destruction.

likejin2012UID: 2847537

4# happinessvivi

thank you for the suggestions .
你都看什么范文啊？～～

likejin2012UID: 2847537

5# sizukaada
thank you for the valuable and helpful suggestions. i think you must perform well in writing since your comments are so incisive. now I have rewritten the passage by adopting your advice. Would you like to have a look at it to see if it reads clearer?  With much appreciation.


Is a job with more vocation better than a well-paid job with less vocation time? It is unwise to make a conclusion since people would give different answers based on their own evaluation standards.

In this modern society, many people would prefer well-paid jobs even though high-salary jobs require longer working time . it is because that(照应首段第二句)salary is the major resource of money for people to conduct daily activities or commercial trades. However, money can not satisfy people and neither can it ensure the sense of happiness. While(把这句写在后面会不会更明白？） it is true that money can be exchanged with products such as houses cars and clothes, which are necessities in life, however, money can not satisfy people and neither can it ensure the sense of happiness. (前面的移到这里）people are in need of spiritual satisfactions as well. What is more, everyone who has a long period time of working should relax the body and relieve the mind, so many other people would rather choose a job which has less working time but more vocations to ensure their physical and psychological health.(加了一句，也和首段第二句照应）

Therefore, it is unwise to say a job with more working time is better than one with more vocation time .people had better make a balance between working and relaxing. that is to say, divideing their time into two parts------the time for working and the time for vocation. As for the definite amount of time for the each, it varies from people to people to make specific decisions. It is no doubt that more vocational time would provide more time for relaxation but a reduction in salary. Once it is out of one certain limit, it is possible that the salary is not enough to support the basic expenditures for a family. Under such situation, it is necessary to increase the working time. On the contrary, more time for working may bring more pressure, more trouble and a higher probability of illness. As a consequence, people should set the specific time with a sequence of considerations such as their expections for salaries ,their health conditions and their ability to bear pressure in work. Anyway, working and relaxing are two indispensable parts of ones life, it is important for everyone to lead a balanced life. （把最后一段和这段合成了一段,当成不同意两个极端观点后的建议。）* f&
T0 C! a; F" H
.

羊小咩89UID: 2848665

改好啦~
thks for the compliment ^_^
其实我一直很菜的，加入写作小组后，遇上高人指点，进步还不小~
很多问题从我给你改的文章应该可以明白
要是有其他的问题可以QQ交流啦 ~~

愤怒公爵UID: 2929648

8.2综合

As to the view that “let it burn” would cause damages, the speaker in the lecture does not agree , she makes three points to argue ag(a)inst it.


Firstly, she points our(out) that instead of causing damages to the park trees and vegetation, YellowStone fire provide certain circumstance for some kinds of plants to grow up. For example, after two-month buring(burn), the big fire has spread over a large areas. As a consequence, plenty of large trees have been incinerated, the land becomes open which is suitable for some small trees. Moreover, some kind of seeds only generate when they are exposed to heat. The YellowStone fire just heat the seeds to faciliate their generation. Therefore, many new kinds of plants come out after the big fire.
阅读没有阐述，虽然不影响评分，不过为了完整，多写一点阅读好一点。.


Secondly, the speaker says that animals’ population recoverz(recovered) after the fire and the fire makes the food chain of the wildlife in YellowStone Park much stronger(strong形容food chain，听着不顺呢，用diverse之类的可能更好). Specifically, the fire provides new opportunities for small trees to replace the original trees in the park, which create （an） ideal habitat for certain kinds of animals such as rabbits and hare. At the same time, numbers of animals predate on rabbits and hare increase, which finally made the food chain stronger.

Lastly, damages on the tourism and economy are limited .Because the fire is so tremendous that it is one unusual event in the history, which seldom happens （原文是没有发生过）after 1988.Tourists came back after the fire and the number is growing every year .Therefore, tourism is back to normal in a short period of time after the destruction.

点都抓住了，就是阅读，可能是楼主写作风格吧。
谢谢楼主指点我，我后面会注意！

likejin2012UID: 2847537

12# 愤怒公爵
其实我也是刚开始写哈。没怎么看过范文，不知道要写阅读。。
大家一起进步哈～～～

愤怒公爵UID: 2929648

8.2  独立
8月2日 20090807NA Parents should allow children to make their own choices rather than help determine children's future.

Everyone should admit that no one has the right to make a choice for another person,. Even though (they are) parents, who have much more experience(s) than children and can offer many instructions , are said to be children’s initial teachers, they(they 去掉，要不这句有两个主语了) should not determine the children’s future. So I definitely agree with the assertion that parents should allow their children to choose by themselves. They had better not to（to去掉，had better not do） interfere with their children’s determination

Firstly and most importantly. Interests are important for people, they help people to find the true happiness in life , moreover, they can serve as topics in the chatting between friends. So everyone need(s) to cultivate their interests. However, parents’ determinations may conflict with their children’s interests. For example, a boy wants major at art in the university since he loves painting and wants to be an artist in the future, however, artists do not get decent paying and they even do not have an fixed job. Most  infamous artists lead a poor life and do not respected by others. So the boy’s father urge him to take the courses of finance which he does not like in order to get a well-paid job after graduation(后面要说明这样不好，现在感觉话没有说完).

Secondly, chidren should learn how to make determinations on themselves and they need to take the（去掉） risks of determinations. Making a determination is one skill people should possess, there are a lot of teem（n）agers who are scared of making a decision or they are hesitated before choices, they waste a lot of time and energy before making a determination. The reason could be that they seldom make decisions by themselves but do what their parents tell them to. What is more, risks are unavoidable after the determination. It is necessary for children to understand that once you are determined to achieve a goal you need to make efforts. They also need to learn some principles of life such as lose comes with gain.

In all, parents are not recommended to make choices for their children. Children need to and have to determine their own future.

楼主是两段论哈，论点和我不约而同的一样，看来我们有缘啊，论点，结构都可以。只是感觉词汇量稍显不足，楼主可以写作时想想多用一些闪光词，以得到加分！

likejin2012UID: 2847537

8.3综合

Genetic modification is used to improve trees. By altering the organism’s genes and characteristics, this new biologic method is expected to bring people great benefits. This passage just focus on explaining the what advantages the genetically modified tree will have. however, speaker in the lecture cast doubt on it promising future, she list three points to counter the views of the reading after close consideration.

Firstly, Even though changing the genes of trees make them much hardier than nature trees , the speaker points out that genetic modification cannot ensure the survival of trees. The reason lies in the unification of the genes of the trees. For nature trees ,even though individual ones and given spieces may die in bad climate conditions , the diverse genes ensure the survive of species. However, the genes of genetically modified trees are so uniform that one species of tree would be wiped out completely when exposed to challenges.

Secondly, contrary to the economical benefits stated in the reading, hidden costs of genetically modified trees are revealed in the listening. the speaker says that the genetically modified trees company would be charged more for each seed. moreover, farmers can not collect seeds freely, they must pay the company each time planting a tree.

Finally, the speaker gives her opinion that ,instead of protecting and saving the native trees as the reading refers, genetically modified trees may cause damage to the wild trees. They grow up more aggressively and may outcompete the native trees for resourses such as water and nutrients.

likejin2012UID: 2847537

Wrting  8.3
In order to become financially responsible adults, children should manage their own money at a young age.

Financial management is a scientifical but familiar subject for all the people. To be financially responsible, I definitely agree with the assertion that children ,even though they are young,
should learn how to balance the income and expenditures and how to take good advantages of their own money . There are some reasons.

First of all, money management has remarkable benefits for children. To begin with, making a private budget require skills of calculating which is just one of the main targets of school education. Besides, by making financial budget children may start to understand how to plan ,this is essentially important for the development of ones whole life. Moreover, money management would provide an opportunity for kids to make choices indepently, they may invest money on their interests. For example,someone who loves reading can buy books, others who are keen on sports can purchase a football or basketball. Finally, running out of money in the middle of one month is a good lesson for children to notice the importance of regulating their expending behaviors.

Secondly, childhood provides the best time to form beneficial habbits. Scientific evidence suggests that a majority of behaviors of one person are learned at young age and these behaviors are said to be the most useful and fundemental skills for surviving. It indicates that childhood is the most suitable period of time for people to acquire skills, so I assume that it is the best time to aquire skills of financing money economically as well.

Lastly, earlier one habbit forms, deeper it roots in behaviors. There is a proverb in china that what you did at three years old determines what you will do in the future. It is of great possibility that adults continue to be thrifty and economic if they learn money management when they are young. This kind of habbit would shape them into a financial responsible man in the world.

In sum, we can believe that children who manage the money at young age would take good care of they income and expenditures well when they mature and marry They have the ability to be financial responsible for theirselfs, their spouses and their family. Of course, they are just the kind of people this society need.
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