issue112

andywei0683UID: 136150

112"Some educational systems emphasize the development of students' capacity for reasoning and logical thinking, but students would benefit more from an education that also taught them to explore their own emotions."

Emotions, as one part of education which is very important in directing the development of young people, mostly emphasize to foster the attitude, feeling, thinking and passion of student. To explore students' emotions may be looked as the attention the relationship of students' own development and the society's development. In other words, the most important part in education of emotion is to pay attention to the efficiency of individual's communication to the other. So as an important part of education, the education of emotion will give more benefit to the student although nowadays some educational systems emphasize the development of students' capacity for reasoning and logical thinking.

As the increase of teen-age crime, the education to explore their emotions become more and more important in that those teen-age criminal almost fail to have a healthy mentality and lack the capacity of communication to others. There are a data of USA teen-age crime ratio in the investigation surveyed by Gallup Co. in 2002 displayed that the crime ratio of USA teen-age had been increased from 11% in 1995 to 23% in 2001. The investigator also surveyed the reason of those teen-age criminal that 78% crimianl who attended this investigation mentioned the unhealthy mentality theirselves and they hardly melt to the society since their poor capacity of intercourse. From the example above, we can realize the importance in education of emotion.

Furthermore, the students nowadays have less capacity of communication to others in that the education of emotion be rarely emphersized the important part of educational systems. As the result of this phenomenon, those students who lack the well education of emotion may hardly work efficiently with their workmate by their poor capacity of communication. For example, one student who may hardly find a job for a long time although he graduated from one renowned university in that he lack the capacity of communication with others. The scarcity of communication capacity cause the student can hardly express his own prfessional capacity to the employer even though his capacity of speciality is very excellence.

Admittedly, the development of students' capacity for reasoning and logical thinking is the major emphasis in the education during the school's period. Although the education of emotion can promote the development of ours EQ which make us gaining the capacity of communication to others, the capacity of reasoning and logical thinking is the basis of cultivating the other capacity. Without this capacity, students can hardly gain the achievement in their professional fields and may encounter some problems in daily living. So the development of students' capacity for reasoning and logical thinking can also fail to be neglected, both educations of emotion and the development of students' capacity for reasoning and logical thinking are the complement each other.

In sum, the emphasis in development of students' capacity for reasoning and logical thinking is advisable whereas students would benefit more from the education that also taught them to explore their own emotions. Overly emphasize students' capacity of reasoning and logical thinking may lead the unhealthy mentality of students and students can hardly achieve success in their professional fields if the education of emotion should be emphasized excessively.

gambellUID: 122696

嘿嘿，大家都是武汉的，粘会去帮你看先，改的不好不要骂啊，但要指出来，进步进步的干活。

gambellUID: 122696

112"Some educational systems emphasize the development of students' capacity for reasoning and logical thinking, but students would benefit more from an education that also taught them to explore their own emotions."

Emotions, as one part of education （感觉emotions不能直接作为education的一部分，可以说情感教育时期一部分）which is very important in directing the development of young people, mostly emphasize to foster the attitude, feeling, thinking and passion of student.(看到这句话就觉得你上过李杜的课，:P，还是具体情况具体开头好一点吧) To explore students' emotions may be looked as the attention (to)the relationship of students' own development (学生成长用growth也可以，显得不累赘)and the society's development. In other words, the most important part in education of emotion is to pay attention to the efficiency of individual's communication to the other. So as an important part of education, the education of emotion will give more benefit to the student although nowadays some educational systems emphasize the development of students' capacity for reasoning and logical thinking.（后面这几句看起来不地道而且太罗嗦）
我把你的第一段整理一下，骂吧，我菜我怕谁：
As one important aspect in education system, exploring students' emotions mostly emphasizes to foster their inner traits and abilities in communication with outside world. By buiding up a stable and effective bridge to the information and mood around, emotional education would benefit students more though development of logic thinking take the upmost position in teaching goals at present.  

强烈建议那些牛个牛姐进来，也改改我的修改。(脸皮厚啊！:P)

As the increase of teen-age crime（我记得有个地方看过用juvenile crime,不确定）, the education to explore their emotions become more and more important in that those teen-age criminal（省为the criminals） almost(能这样用almost吗？mostly fail... or hardly have...) fail to have a healthy mentality and lack the capacity of communication to others. There are（is） a data of USA teen-age crime ratio in the investigation surveyed by Gallup Co. in 2002 displayed that the crime ratio of USA teen-age (省略为the rate )had been increased from 11% in 1995 to 23% in 2001.(And, a further survey...可能衔接更好) The investigator also surveyed the reason of those teen-age criminal that 78% crimianl who attended this investigation mentioned the unhealthy mentality theirselves（themselves） and they (can)hardly melt to the society since their poor capacity of intercourse. From the example above, we can realize the importance in education of emotion. （这个例子中间应该在分析一下，这样将说理融于举例，可是6分范文的方法）

Furthermore, the students nowadays have less capacity of communication to others in that the education of emotion be rarely emphersized（emphasized） the important part of educational systems. (意思只能大概懂了，我烂，我理解力差)As the result of this phenomenon, those students who lack the well education of emotion may hardly work efficiently with their workmate（workmates） by their poor capacity of communication. For example, one student who may hardly find a job for a long time although he graduated from one renowned university in that he lack the capacity of communication with others. The scarcity of communication capacity cause the student can hardly express his own prfessional capacity to the employer even though his capacity of speciality is very excellence.
发现你很喜欢用in that,建议多换几种句式，或者用since,as ,due to....有很多表原因的方法，多积累多尝试。

Admittedly, the development of students' capacity for reasoning and logical thinking is the major emphasis in the education during the school's period. Although the education of emotion can promote the development of ours EQ which make us gaining the capacity of communication to others, the capacity of reasoning and logical thinking is the basis of cultivating the other capacity.（这句话承认了issue的前部分，与你前面的观点显得脱节甚至矛盾，逻辑上要么应该先admit,再however，显得有力度一些） Without this capacity, students can hardly gain the achievement in their professional fields and may encounter some problems in daily living. So the development of students' capacity for reasoning and logical thinking can also fail to be neglected, both educations of emotion and the development of students' capacity for reasoning and logical thinking are the complement each other.

（整个第四段再逻辑上的问题是致命的，其他的都可以有问题，逻辑一定不能矛盾，记住这是AWA）

In sum, the emphasis in development of students' capacity for reasoning and logical thinking is advisable whereas students would benefit more from （more 不是应该在emotion上吗？）the education that also taught them to explore their own emotions. Overly emphasize students' capacity of reasoning and logical thinking may lead the unhealthy mentality of students and students can hardly achieve success in their professional fields if the education of emotion should be emphasized excessively.（对于两方面的论述结尾参考经典的6分范文，宜分句讲书，既全面又有气势。）


建议写文章前先做syllabus,至少逻辑上不会混乱，谋篇与语言多借鉴那些牛人，有值得学习的地方。
还有，上传让别人改之前先自己改一下，太依赖别人也不好，我也累啊，看看发贴时间，my god,老乡还真不容易当。我要睡觉拉............

改错了请况批，不要客气，我脸皮厚^_^

andywei0683UID: 136150

呵呵，老乡见老乡两眼泪汪汪啊，多谢指点！
说实话我写的作文不多（才写了两篇ISSUE两片ARGU，9。25考试，时间紧迫啊），虽然听了李杜的课，但是觉得底子太差，有些高人的东西用起来会觉得比较生硬，唉，只有继续努力啦，呵呵，不过还是要感谢你这个老乡在凌晨还帮我修改作文，感激涕零！^_^
不知Gambell何时考试啊，感觉您老思路比我清晰啊，有空要多指点指点！：）

fc827UID: 139570

大家好啊, 呵呵， 我也是武汉的, 9月8号考, 呵呵.

andywei0683UID: 136150

fc好啊，武汉的战友！
有没有和我同天杀鸡的啊？？