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yuanruicong
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发表于 2011-10-1 15:28:19 |显示全部楼层

一战壮烈牺牲！只求二战雄起！
写作基础差，有阴影。。。
求猛拍！求监督！

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yuanruicong
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发表于 2011-10-3 12:02:36 |显示全部楼层

本帖最后由 yuanruicong 于 2011-10-4 13:27 编辑

题目： Iti s often not a good thing to move to a new  city or a new country because of the lose of oldfriends?

The world is changing and developing at a faster and faster rate all the time. So the society constantly put a high level stress on us. Many people choose to live in the old place due to their old friends. In order to avoid of the stress, people can talk, laugh or even complaint with friends to relax themselves. In this way, they can have an enjoyable life.
First of all, when we confront problems, friends can give us a hand to pass the arduous period. In the competitive society, most of us should spend copious amounts of time making our work excellent. We will not even have enough time to rest, not to mention traveling or doing other things what we really want. But people will be more relaxed and can finish their work more efficiently if their friends who have expertise in this field give them some available advises. Thus, living in the old city with friends can be a very comfortable way to live.
Secondly, human beings are social animals, so we should live in a group and have close friends to enjoy our time together and share good news with each other. Every advance we make, every happiness we have, all the things happen around what we all want to talk to our friends. After a whole day work, we can lay down all the stresses and untruthful mask and have a party or drink a cup of coffee pleasantly with friends. At weekends, going to see a movie or playing basketball is another good choice for us to spend our time. Conversely, if we move to a new city, we will lose something that is important to us.
Furthermore, a new city can be a lonely place and it can take a significance amount of time to adapt to a new environment and make friends. Instead of going out to have fun with friends, people probably staying at home to play computer games, read a book or sleep earlier. Entertaining oneself may become a tiresome way to pass time especially at weekend. Even though we can communicate with old friends, it is not as frequent as the beforetime. So the friendship will be lost gradually and we will fall alone.
Therefore, people don't want to move to another place because friendship is critical to everyone. People cannot achieve greatness solely by themselves; they need friends, for help, for support, and for many other things, since nobody is entirely independent and omnipotent.

一战考场处女作后，这是写的第一篇作文。。。辛苦各位啦，狠拍吧

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fantasyfrog
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发表于 2011-10-4 20:36:23 |显示全部楼层

The world is changing and developing at a faster and faster rate all the time. So the society constantly put a high level stress on us. Many people choose to live in the old place due to their old friends. In order to avoid of the stress (avoid the stress), people can talk, laugh or even complaint with friends to relax themselves. In this way, they can have an enjoyable life.
First of all, when we confront problems, friends can give us a hand to pass the arduous period. In the competitive society, most of us should spend copious amounts of time making our work excellent. We will not even have enough time to rest, not to mention traveling or doing other things what we really want. But people will be more relaxed and can finish their work more efficiently if their friends who have expertise in this field give them some available advises. Thus, living in the old city with friends can be a very comfortable way to live. （这一段第一句，应该是主题句，说朋友可以帮我们渡过难关。然后说现在人们没空去放松。最后说如果有朋友帮助就能提高工作效率。这样说似乎在逻辑上并不严密。应该说明朋友为什么能帮我们渡过难关，因为这是主题句。或者主题句改成现代人需要朋友的帮助。在提到朋友帮助的帮助的时候，应该使用更具体的例子，这样才更有说服力，而不仅仅是who have expertise in this field）
Secondly, human beings are social animals, so we should live in a group and have close friends to enjoy our time together and share good news with each other. Every advance we make, every happiness we have, all the things happen around what we all want to talk to our friends.（这句话是想表达我们的进步我们的快乐都和与朋友交谈有关吗？那应该用related to） After a whole day work, we can lay down all the stresses and untruthful mask and have a party or drink a cup of coffee pleasantly with friends. At weekends, going to see a movie or playing basketball is another good choice for us to spend our time. Conversely, if we move to a new city, we will lose something that is important to us. (总感觉这一段写得很松散，想表达的意思太多，太宽泛)
Furthermore, a new city can be a lonely place and it can take a significance amount of time to adapt to a new environment and make friends. Instead of going out to have fun with friends, people probably staying (will probably stay) at home to play computer games, read a book or sleep earlier. Entertaining oneself may become a tiresome way to pass time especially at weekend. Even though we can communicate with old friends, it is not as frequent as the beforetime. So the friendship will be lost gradually and we will fall alone. (感觉和前面一样，主题句和后面的支撑句没有很紧密的关系)
Therefore, people don't want to move to another place because friendship is critical to everyone. People cannot achieve greatness solely by themselves; they need friends, for help, for support, and for many other things, since nobody is entirely independent and omnipotent.

建议加强主题句以及其支撑句的紧密联系。除非你使用了moreover, in addition,之类的连接词，才可以从别的角度论证。
还有麻烦也帮我改一下

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