<Daily writing作文小组成员James的作文>

jiangze2008UID: 3079171

多多指教！请狠批，谢谢！！！

jiangze2008UID: 3079171

The speaker above asserts that what the most significant factors for successful people are personalities, characters and communication skills. In my point of view, I cannot fully agree with it.

Admittedly, according to our practical experience from common sense, we must concede that personalities, characters and communication skills serve benefits to success. With noble and remarkable personalities and characters, people would be readily advocated and supported by the mass. For instance, Abraham Lincoln, the 16th President of the US, led the civil war, preserving the Union while ending slavery and promoting economic and financial modernization. The reason that he could win the last victory lies in that most people in America backed him because of his glorious personalities and characters, such as honesty, devotion and strengthen. Furthermore, communication skills helps us to communicate with others fluently and delightfully. We could let others know what we want to do and make the sporadic people work together to achieve any tough work smoothly and successfully.

Thus, given the specific evidence above, I think it is reasonable to believe that the speaker’s statement would, to some degree, make sense. However, it is presumptuous to regard the three elements as the most important factors for those successful persons.

We cannot refuse to acknowledge the fact that there are many other factors, such as leadership, teamwork, and creativity, which are as important as the three factors. Take teamwork for example. In this super-modern world, tasks are becoming increasingly complex. Therefore, almost in any fields, we know that we have to work in teams, if we want to make a difference. People get together in groups to do those things that are larger than one person. For example, Michael Jordan, one of the most outstanding professional basketball players in the NBA society, won six NBA Finals MVP awards. Even though he owns brilliant personalities, characters and excellent communication skills,  Jordan cannot be such a successful basketball player if he does not know the spirit of teamwork, because basketball is a game of five people. Hence, from what has been discussed above, we may safely draw the conclusion that the statement is unconvincing as it stands.

To sum up, while personalities, characters and communication skills are of great significance factors for those successful persons, we should not lose sight of the fact that elements, such as leadership, teamwork and creativity, play similar importance on the success of people.

麦子kevinUID: 2517029

哥们儿 你的独立写作在哪里  麻烦给个地址吧？

麦子kevinUID: 2517029

今天的。。。

pwang09UID: 3159708

帅哥，个人建议，仅供参考，如有不实，还请谅解

麦子kevinUID: 2517029

多多指教，共同进步~

jiangze2008UID: 3079171

3# 麦子kevin 就在上面那楼呀。。。。

pwang09UID: 3159708

帅哥，修改完了，个人意见，仅供参考，如有不实，还请谅解

shibin11UID: 3228029

抱歉抱歉- -  我早上就改好了 然后在群里找你来着找不到人就给忘了
因为我本来用word批注改的 这边弄不上来

In this highly competitive society, finding a job is becoming increasingly tough. So some would argue that it is reasonable that students should choose a university, where the employment rate of graduate students is high. But others may state that it is how many famous professors a university has that matters. It is, from my point of view, basically true that we should choose a school with more（去掉） famous professors.
Admittedly, according to our practical experience, we must concede that the ultimate goal for a student is to find a good job. In china, the majority of students who get through the university are usually supported by their parents, most of whom are poor peasants. So there is no doubt that those students should obtain a good salary job after they graduate if they don't go further education and support his or her family. Sometimes, it is said that a quite number of students borrow money from country or their relatives to finish their education.
Thus, given the evidence offered above, I think it is reasonable to believe that choosing a university with high employment rate, for the most part, makes sense. However, when people are overly preoccupied with the employment rate of a university, isn't it necessary that they give more consideration to other aspects of the university, especial professors?
Whatever else may be said, we should not refuse to acknowledge the fact that as one significant aspect of a university, famous professors exert greatly positive influence on students. For one thing, besides the abundant knowledge that these professor own, they also acquire a good source of finance support and lots of relationship with many famous manager or companies and so on. So when you are the students of these famous professors, can you imagine that how much relationship you can get and how much financial support you can have from these professors?  As a result, you can get much more and better job opportunities. For another thing, famous professors are always equipped with numerous virtues, and they are likely to be the secret of their success.赶脚这个表达有点问题 So when you follow these professors, the glory of their charm of personalities would lead you to the success as well.要进一步展开，怎么lead了？ Believe it or not, great achievements that Aristotle made mostly due to his teacher Plato when he studied in his Academy in Athens. Hence, from what has been discussed above, we may safely draw the conclusion that famous professors plays more important role when people choose their universities.
To sum up, it is shortsighted that people focus too much on employment rates of a university. Yet, the really(real) serious matter you should care about is how much famous professors it has.

语法上都木有什么基本的错误 最后个主体段的论点注意要展开
这篇我被别人也批得特严重 很多中国式的东西下意识就给揉进去了 一些逻辑上的东西还要再推敲下把
一起加油^^

shibin11UID: 3228029

In this highly developed society, these years have seen increasingly difference between big cities and the countryside. Some would argue that there are more benefits to live in big cities than live in the countryside. But others may state that living in the countryside people can take care of their family members better. It is, from my point of view, basically true that big cities are better than the countryside for people who want to attend their family better.

Admittedly, according to our common sense, we cannot refuse to acknowledge the fact that big cities can serve benefits to many aspects, such as good health care, advanced education, and better security. First of all, we should not lose sight of the fact that big cities own better and much more hospitals and doctors. So people living in big cities can send their family members to hospital in time when emergency happens and get noted doctors, in other words more securer and experienced treat. In addition, better education resource is available. Today，teachers with brilliant个人觉得这词对于skill来说会太重 skills and plentiful experience are more likely to work in big cities in order to get more promotion space and better salary. As a result, there is no doubt that teachers in big cities are usually more available than in the countryside, and then children can get better education. What's more, more finance are provided by government to support education of city resident in big cities, and the basic equipment like computers, desks and building are quite complete in big cities' schools. Last but not least, the security in big cities are undoubtedly more dependable since there are more policeman and firemen, well built streets for cars and walkers, and more people outside day and night.

Thus, given the specific evidence offered above, we can safely draw the conclusion that big cities are more suitable for people who want to take good care of their children and other family members. However, when we focus too much on the benefits brought about by the health care, advanced education and security, isn't necessary that we should give more consideration to what the countryside can contribute to our life? 不太懂这段是第二个主体段。。应该是接着上段吧？

Whatever else may be said, we must concede that the countryside exerts positive influence on its environment and life style. For one thing, because of few cars, factories and population, the environment in the countryside is more attractive. Its fresh and clean air, blue sky and abundant plants result in a health living condition. For another thing, life pace in the countryside is relatively slow, so people can spend much more time with their family members and enjoy themselves. Hence, it is, to some degree, reasonable to believe that living in the countryside pose certain benefits.

To sum up, from what has been discussed above, it is presumptuous to claim that there is no respect that countryside is better than big cities. Yet, it is for the most part, true that big cities are more fit for people who want to give their family members good care.

个人觉得段内结构不够清晰 我水平不高看的不是很懂请见谅^^

kikyou_lrUID: 3228606

个人浅见在附件 james.doc (29 KB, 下载次数: 1)

2012-1-8 00:14:36 上传

下载次数: 1

猛龙过江UID: 3220220

In this highly developed society, enormous information is available to us today.
Some would argue that people can easily acquire plentiful knowledge than before with so much information. Some others may state that this would, in contrast, poses negative effect on their education. After weighing the evidence(没用过，在google上看了一下，没有找到非常合适的举例，不表), it is, from my point of view, basically true that people are now easier to become educated than in the past.

Admittedly, according to our common sense, we cannot refuse to acknowledge the fact that the contemporary era serves benefits to people's well education with respect to/in terms of the information technology and teaching skills.（句子好长） First of all, the information technology provides accessible ways to tremendous information around the world. The most outstanding method should be the online teaching through Internet. Through this, Chinese students could receive lessons from an America professor when he or she stays at home. Through this,(最好换下句式) people could receive news everyday from all over the world and know other countries' life style, culture and law. Examples are countless. In addition, teachers and professors today have skillful teaching methods. They show their works prepared by PPT instead of writing everything on the backboard word by word. So students can absolutely receive more information in the same period than before. What's more, teachers are today trained systematically. They know how to help student learn more effectively and efficiently. For instance, teachers provide picture, voice and character together to teach a new concept. Also, they would make students experience what they learn in the labs or outside so that they can really understand and know what they do learn. On the contrary, there was no kind of this practice used for teaching by teachers and professors before.

Thus, given the specific evidence offered above, we may safely draw the conclusion that the speaker's statement would make sense. However, when people focus too much on the benefits brought by this highly developed society, isn't necessary that they give more consideration to side effect in this era?

Whatever else may be said, we must concede that negative effect, like computer games, pornographic and violent information exerts detrimental effect on well education. According to a survey,(这样很好哈，值得学习) it is said that nowadays 30 million children are addicted to computer games in China. Most if not all of them end up in dropping school and never get the chance to go to university（没读懂）. At the same time, numerous pornographic and violent information attract people's attention and make them indulge in porn and tend to commit crimes. All these distract people from normal learning and detriment their education.
To sum up, from what has been discussed above, there are much temptations in this society, like computer games, pornographic and violent information, so that it would distract our attention and detriment our education. Yet, we should not lose sight of the fact that with convenient information through Internet and skillful teaching methods, to be well educated, for the most part, is easier than before.
中间修改了一些单词和短语，在word上编辑了红色，但贴上来就没有了，楼主细看即可。这两天连续值班，回复晚了，见谅

PSB门下走猫UID: 3232869

1月9日 101211NA  Which would you prefer, Working 3 days a week with long hours or working 5 days a week with short hours?
1 制造矛盾
2 工作5天的优点：健康（身体和心理压力小）；
3 工作3天的优缺点：跟多的时间娱乐和家人一起；对健康不利
4 对于我而言，我偏向于工作5天短时间
In this society with high life pace, health and time spent with family are increasingly important.
Some people would argue that working days should be reduced for more time spent with family and entertainment. （减少到什么程度，是不是最好提一下？）Other may state that working 5 days a week with shorter hours is beneficial to health and career. After weighing the evidence, it is, from my point of view, an issue worth discussing.（这句的主语应该用人吧？因为weigh是人发出的动作，在没有从句的情况下，所有动词共用一个主语）

Admittedly, according to our practical experience, we cannot refuse to acknowledge the fact that working 5 days a week serves benefits in terms of people's health and their career. First of all, the amount of work everyday is appropriate.（everyday’s work是不是顺一点？）Imagining that if people should finish five days work in three days, their body would be burden much more pressure both physically and mentally. And （加个as?）a long-term time passes, their body would collapse abruptly with no obvious signal. According to a scientific survey, at present, there are about 0.1 billion people all over world going through this kind of situation and most of them are employees who are usually working for a longer time weekday for money or they are merely forced to work a long time. （论述只说了超时工作的坏处，没有说5天工作的好处，对appropriate支持不够，最好在这里加一句，but假如工作5天，会怎么怎么好。）In addition, employers today are more likely to hire employees who work the whole workday. So people who working 5 days a week have high rate opportunity to be employed by companies or factories. Only if they can have a job, they can peruse and fulfill their career. （个人意见：段首admittedly的立场暗示太浓重，下面写得必须比这段出彩很多，才能保持感情色彩一致，其实可以删掉这个词，删掉后这一段就变成主立场了。）

Thus, given the specific evidence offered above, we may safely draw the conclusion that working 5 days a week have a positive influence on health and career. However, when people focus too much on the benefits brought by working 5 days a week with short hours, isn't necessary that they give(加个a?) consideration to advantages coming from working 3 days a week?（too much 那半句，立场暗示的意味也很浓，而且与全文的实际立场相反，建议删去，另外这句可以用建议的语气，因为反问语气的立场暗示也不对。）

Whatever else may be said, we must concede that working 3 days a week with long hours could pose certain merits with respect to self-enjoyment and family happiness. For one thing, working 3 days a week could extract more time to be used to spend with their family. With left 4 days, they can have a good rest first, have meals with family members and watch TV or movies together. In addition, they could use four days to go vocation outside, like fishing, hiking, or having a picnic.
For another thing, if they are too tired from their vocation, they cannot focus on their work and would be pressed too much by their boss and their colleagues. In this case, their health would hurt and hardly recover again. （转折后的论述和TS立场相反，TS应同时包括优点和缺点。到这里可以看出，lz本身的立场还是工作5天，所以第一段的admittedly实际上对读者有一定误导作用，还是建议删掉。反而本段的TS，由于采取平衡观点，可以用让步来写。比如Admittedly 3天有优点，但也有缺点。然后优点是blabla，缺点是blabla。这样就能让整篇文章的感情色彩清晰明确。）

To sum up, from what has been discussed above, while working 3 days a week with long hours takes advantage over working 5 days a week with short hours when it comes to self-enjoyment and family entertainment, working 5 days a week could be of great use to our career and body health. For me, as a graduate student, it is health and career that matter, therefore I would prefer working 5 days a week with short hours.

水平有限，或有删改不当之处，请lz多多思考斟酌。

danteksjUID: 2977437

各种堵车刚到家。。抱歉修改晚了。。