【寄托No.1】杀G小组 第3次作业 写第一篇A

ylhchdUID: 3055726

相信大家在列提纲的过程中已经有了自己的收获
积累了一些自己认为好的句子 或是 高级词汇
不管 怎么样
万里之行 始于足下
那么 就让我们开始我们的第一篇A
万事开头难 通常第一篇要用掉我们很多的时间
那么就让我们一起从零开始
接受从菜鸟到老鸟的转变

作业要求：
（1）2月13日之前完成，大家在这个帖子里，每人占一楼，2月14日之前把自己的作业贴上去
（2）具体的内容要求：
A、写作题目为 序号3 新25（也就是表格第一个作文）
B、一定注意文章的要求，可以参照一下我的那篇word的观点
（3）提交作业之后，必须阅读组内其他同学的笔记（至少两篇），相互学习，群内讨论，总结学习心得。
（4）作业必须完成，无故不完成者踢出群并从小组除名，有事不能完成作业者提前在群内请假，并在三日之内补交

cinkieUID: 2933620

163题，instruction是question 第一次写作文，花了1个多小时，文章不长，462字，尊是心力交瘁啊。。。。。

结论：C俱乐部会赚钱
假设：jazz在M城很流行
解释：1.最近的club距M城60公里
         2.去年夏天10万人参加爵士音乐节
         3.一些知名jazz音乐人住在M城
         4.评价最高的电台节目是jazz
         5.一个全国调查表明典型爵士迷每年花1000美元在爵士上

In this argument, the developers conclude that the proposed jazz club, namely C Note, would profit a multitude of money. At first glance, the conclusion seems reasonable and logical: Monron city does not have a jazz club presence and jazz music is seemingly popular among citizens. Nevertheless, the argument is unconvincing and unpersuasive unless the developers could give definite answers to several critical questions as follows.

First of all, the argument above rests on the assumption that the popularity of jazz music absolutely indicates profitability of the C Note. However, the arguer does not take into account other factors that might also affect the prospect of the C Note. It is entirely possible that citizens of Monroe are merely dabblers of the jazz music ocean, who only want to appreciate the surface of jazz music rather than dive into it. Moreover, granted that jazz music does have real fans in Monroe city, the arguer needs to answer the question that what is the exact proportion of these fans, whether would they go to the jazz club, and how much would they consume in the jazz club. Without precisely responsing the questions above, the arguer cannot make the hasty generalization that the proposed jazz club is gainful.

Even given that the assumption is reasonable, the statistics also have some logical problems. The fact that the nearest jazz club is 60 miles away from Monroe might be the indication that jazz music does not enjoy a popularity among citizens. And there is still a possibility that people who showed up on the Monron's jazz festival last summer come from other cities. The arguer need to give specific proportion of the local fans among the whole number and the ratio of these fans among the Monroe citizens. Unless detailed data presented, the conclusion is unwarranted.What is more, the survey is also problematic in the following two respects, which strongly weaken the conclusion that the C Note would have the entire local market.

Firstly,the nationwide study does not necessarily apply to the situation of Monroe city. Secondly, the amount that typical jazz fan expends does not indicate the amount of average person. Also, the percentage of the 1000 dollars in the daily consumption needs to be answered, or the argument will be unjustifiable. In addition,the concept of well-known is unclear and vague. It is possible that these well-known jazz musicians are only limited in Monroe city.

The process of evaluting the profitability of the proposed jazz club C Note is complicated and laborious and needs to take into account of every possible factors. Yet it is common that all investors desire to make money, the developer's argument is not likely significant persuasive that the C Note is profitable unless all of the above-mentioned questions completely answered.

leijerry888UID: 3143968

我的第一次A，1个小时，530words，个人感觉比较冗长，写的很不精练。希望同仁们多拍多多帮助我提高，我们共同努力加油！谢谢大家

At first glance of the evidences provided by the author, it may be true that a jazz music club located in Monroe would be profitable. However, when taking a more serious evaluation of the validity and reasonable of the provided evidences, the prediction becomes extremely vulnerable. And additional evidences must be considered to make the judge.

Firstly, the evidence of how the jazz club gets its revenue must be considered. The author doesn’t research on whether jazz club makes money via albums and musical accessories sales, tickets sales of club performances, periodic fees of club members or some other ways. For example, if the jazz club’s principal revenue comes from club members’ fees, based on the assumption that people in Monroe are willing to be members of jazz club, it may be true that the C Note club will be profitable because 60 miles’ distance will keep the local people from attending to other jazz clubs. Yet, if the club makes money mainly on musical accessories sales, we may suggest that 60 miles is probably not far enough to encumber other clubs sales in Monroe. Unless we know the specific way of the methods of getting incomes of jazz clubs, we cannot have the conclusion that C Note club will own the whole local market.

Another piece of evidence we need to evaluate the author’s conclusion is a more convincible information of whether people in Monroe would like to take part in a jazz club if there is one. The author does provide several evidences for this assumption, but none of them is adequately convincible. For instance, crowded people in Monroe’s jazz festival last summer may just because there’s a very famous music star’s performance last year, or, even people in Monroe who enjoy carouses of crowed circumstances just like to attend crowed activities, while this would do no help to prove that people in Monroe love jazz. Moreover, several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe may because the city’s convenient life, beautiful environment, or something else which is irrelevant to jazz music itself. Additionally, the popularity of the radio program ‘Jazz Nightly’ may also result from other reasons except people’s love of jazz. The program is widely listened may merely because it occupies the radio’s golden time. Thusly, more accurate evidence must be provided to evaluate how much does the people live in Monroe love jazz music.

The third evidence needed to evaluate the author’s prediction is a more accurate study which is able to indicate how much money does a jazz fun of Monroe like to pay for jazz entertainment, and which particular aspect of entertainment does he like to pay for, as a nationwide study possesses little persuasion for people in Monroe. Thusly, without a local research with more indifferent and more specific details, there is no way to get a convincing assumption of Monroe jazz funs would like to spend money on local jazz clubs.

In conclusion, it may be right that a Monroe’s local jazz club would be very profitable, however, the evidences provided by the author are far from convincible. More evidences are needed to enhance the validity of the evaluation of author’s conclusion.

babyenochUID: 3153670

25 The following was written as a part of an application for a small-business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.
"A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, the proposed new jazz club in Monroe, the C-Note, would have the local market all to itself. Plus, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's annual jazz festival last summer; several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe; and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight at 7 P.M. Finally, a nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment."

Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.

最近jazz club在65英里外àcnote占有全部本地市场【距离=占有率（质量；价格；品牌；便利度）】

去年夏天，10万多人参加jazz音乐节【本地人；喜欢活动的热闹而非jazz】
知名爵士音乐家在M市 【住=工作（环境好）】                      à jazz 在M市非常流行
Jazz节目最受欢迎【受欢迎=去CNote（有好节目所以不去CNote）】

全国研究，Jazz爱好者年花费1000元【全国=本地；调查（取样方式；样本代表性；样本大小；实施方式；真实度；调查时间）；典型=一般；1000数据（纵横比例）；爵士娱乐=俱乐部=CNote】

àCNote会盈利【收入VS成本；外部VS内部（架构；模式；领导力；水平；战略；执行力）；利润=高（宽泛）】

正文
(About 2 hours, 700+ words)
In the application, the developers conclude that a jazz club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise.
To justify the conclusion, the developers point out the proposed new jazz club in Monroe would have the local market all to itself since the nearest jazz club is 65miles away and cite a nationwide study which indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1000 per year on jazz entertainment. Meanwhile, the supporters assert that jazz is extremely popular in Monroe based on three evidence that there were 100,000 people attending Monroe's jazz festival last summer, and that several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe, and that 'Jazz Nightly' is the highest-rated radio program in Monroe, in order to back their conclusion. It might seem logical, at first glance, to agree with the conclusion. However, these evidences provide little credible support for the conclusion.

To begin with, the application states a fact that the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away, so the developers assert that the local market would be had by the proposed new jazz club in Monroe. But no evidence indicates that the jazz fans within 65miles will all go to the C-Note for many factors will affect the market share, such as the price, quality of service, and fashion. Maybe people prefer a club farther but cheaper and more friendly than C-Note. To strengthen the assertion, the developers would benefit from implementing a normed survey asking a wide range of jazz fans within 65 miles if they would like go to C-Note by listing the club's feature.

Next, the developers presume that jazz is extremely popular in Monroe due to these evidences: there were 100,000 people attending Monroe's jazz festival last summer; several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe; 'Jazz Nightly' is the highest-rated radio program in Monroe. However, this evidence cannot support this assertion effectively. First, the developers provided evidence that 100,000 people attended Monroe's jazz festival last summer, but how many of them are local residents? We do not know. Perhaps native people are a very small proportion of the total people. Even if most of them are local citizens, maybe they attended the festival just for fun, but not interested in jazz music. Second, several musicians living here doesn't mean they also work here. And the developers provide no evidence for their working place. Perhaps they just live here because of the perfect environment. Finally, even if jazz is extremely popular in Monroe, it does not mean that people will go to C-Note. Perhaps they just like listening jazz music at home or participating in some festival about jazz. Such evidence would serve to undermine the developers’ conclusion that a jazz club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise.

Additionally, the developers cite a nationwide survey to back their conclusion. Yet, the developers provide no assurances that the survey on which the conclusion depends is statistical reliable. Unless the survey's respondents are representative of the overall population of jazz fans, the developers cannot rely on it to predict the conclusion. Nevertheless, though the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment, we do not know the proportion of the expense on jazz entertainment in the gross for the year. Maybe it is only a little part. And even if the nationwide survey itself is strong enough, we may question that if the result of a nationwide survey can represent of Monroe.

At last, even if all these evidences above are prefect, we also cannot get the conclusion that a jazz club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. In order to fully evaluate the applicants, we would also to learn more about the club. How much cost would they spend on building the club? As we know, high income does not mean a tremendously profit. It is significantly undermine the conclusion if it turns out that the high income cannot meet their enormous cost. Without knowing the cost, we cannot accept the developers' conclusion.

In sum, the argument is indefensible as it stands. To strengthen it, the developers must assure me that the jazz fans within 65miles will go to the C-Note and nationwide survey reflects the local people. To better assess the application, I would need to know (1) What the percentage of the native residents in the people attending the jazz music festival last summer is; (2) where do well-known jazz musicians living in Monroe work; (3) if would people in Monroe go to jazz club and how much they would spend on it.

呃，第一次写，啰哩吧嗦的，没刻意计时，结果写了这么多，囧~~~
果然还是看着简单下笔难啊，自己写的就感觉变味了，怎么看都不好，而且还要边写边翻范文，哎哎~~
大家帮忙拍吧，拍拍更健康- =

良药重口UID: 3214270

花了一个多小时，要是考试估计都废了诶
大家要狠狠的批评啊~



It might seem logical to agree with the claim in the application written by those developers that a jazz music club would be a tremendously profitable enterprise in Monroe. However, to fully evaluate the application, we need a large number of evidence. It might turn out to be the case that the claim might be weaker than it seems or be quite valid. In order to make that determination, we really need to know more then analyze what we learn.

The first piece of evidence that might help us in order to evaluate the application is the real reason why there is not a single jazz music club surrounding Monroe. According to the claim in the application, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away. For example, it might turn out that there is no market for music club in Monroe. In that case, this would seriously weaken the developers' proposal.

Another piece of evidence that we need in order to evaluate the developers' application is information about whether the residents in Monroe do or do not enjoy music like jazz. Those developers point out that over 100000 people attended Monroe' annual jazz festival last summer. But how many people are there in Monroe? We do not know, nor do we know whether the annual jazz festival is charged or not. It would surely weaken the developers' claim if we were to learn that the number of the attenders is dwarfed by the number of total Monroe residents or that the annual jazz festival is just free for the local residents. Without knowing the details about the annual jazz festival, we cannot accept the application written by those developers.

In order to fully evaluate the application, we might need a significant amount of evidences, such as the detail information about the well-known jazz musicians living in Monroe. It would definitely undermine those developers' claims if we had evidence that those jazz musicians who live in Monroe never perform a single song in Monroe. Moreover, the claim would be ineffective if it turn out to be the case, for example, that the "Jazz Nightly" is the only available radio in Monroe so that the "Jazz Nightly" could be the "highest-rated" radio.

To evaluate the application more thoroughly, we might need more details about the nationwide study cited by those developers. The mere fact that the typical jazz fan in their country spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment does not means that a jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. We do not know the price level in their country, nor do we know the how much money a typical jazz fan in Monroe spends. It might turn out to be case, for instance, that jazz fans in Monroe don't pay money on jazz music and they only attend free jazz festival annually. In that case, it would seriously weaken the claims in that application.

A new jazz club might enrich the life of the local residents in Monroe and might create new jobs in Monroe. For those reasons, the local government might encourage a new jazz club. However, without additional convincing evidences those developers do not make a cogent conclusion that a jazz music club in Monroe would inherently be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Therefore, those developers would benefit from a norm survey asking a wide range of residents

greenbeanmeimeiUID: 2854957

这篇文章是我第一次练笔ARGU，不限时写的。请大家不吝指教哦！


In this proposal the loan developers recommends opening ajazz music club in Monroe. To support this recommendation, the developers citethe following facts about Monroe: (1) the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away;(2) jazz is extremely popular in Monroe; and (3) a nationwide study indicatesthat jazz fans spend a lot on jazz entertainment. Close scrutiny of each ofthese facts, however, reveals that none of them lend credible support to therecommendation. We cannot hastily arrive at the conclusion since each and everypremise requires careful and substantial proof.

First, the absence of jazz music clubs in the city does notnecessarily indicate that a new club in the city of Monroe will be profitable.Perhaps the nearest 65-mile-away club has a long history and a reputation forweekly jazz musician shows. For that matter, the establishment of a new jazzmusic club doesn't ensure popularity and profitability since music fans wouldrather take the pains of driving 65 miles to meet their favorite musicians andenjoy their day than sit in a newly established club with no music elementscatering to their tastes.

Secondly, even if the 65-mile-away club has no suchspecialty as mentioned above, the developers assumes further that jazz gainsextreme popularity in Monroe. Yet the facts in this part of application do notnecessarily lead to this assumption. Perhaps there were only 10 among the100000 people attended Monroe's jazz festival that were local residents, withthe vast majority of remaining out-of-town visitors. Or perhaps jazz musicianslive in Monroe but perform elsewhere, perhaps at the club located 65 milesaway. What's more, the author provides no evidence that radio listeners wouldbe interested in going out to hear live jazz. For that matter, the radioprogram might actually pose competition for the C-Note club, especiallyconsidering that the program airs during the evening. All of the possibilityunderlying in the facts would weaken the applicant's assertion that the C-Notewould be profitable.

Finally, the nationwide study showing that the average jazzfan spends $1,000 each year on jazz entertainment would lend support to theapplicant's claim only if Monroe residents typify jazz fans nationwide.However, the applicant provides no credible evidence that this is the case.

In sum, the recommendation relies on certain doubtfulassumptions that render it unconvincing as it stands. To bolster the loanapplicants' recommendation, they must provide further and clearerevidence-----perhaps by way of a local survey of study ---- that in realityjazz is popular in Monroe, and that local residents are likely to entertainthemselves in C-Note. To better assess the proposal. I would also need to knowwhat competition C-Note might face in Monroe.

by 绿豆 greenbean


Where there is a will, there is a way!
有志者事竟成！加油！

846136085UID: 2987171

Topic:
A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise.
Evidence:
1. Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, the proposed new jazz club in Monroe, the C-Note, would have the local market all to itself.
2. Jazz is extremely popular in Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe’s annual jazz festival last summer; several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe; and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe “Jazz Nightly”, which airs every weeknight at 7 P.M.
3. A nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment.
个人分析：
1．没有明确说明这家local jazz club可以吸引本地的jazz fan
2．所列举的证据不足以说明“Jazz is extremely popular in Monroe”。第一，参加jazz festival的人里有多少是本地人？第二，jazz musician为什么住在这个地方，交通便利？物价低？安静？风景好？第三，Jazz Nightly很流行是因为大家喜欢jazz，还是有其它的原因，比如说只有这一个音乐节目，或者其它节目都很挫。
3．这个统计是全国范围的，对Monroe当地的意义很有限。Monroe本地消费习惯如何？消费水平如何？这都是问题呀

我的第一次！！！！！

In this argument, those loan applicants try to make us believe that a jazz music club in Monroe would be tremendously profitable. However, lacking in convincing evidence makes this argument much weaker than it appears to be at first glance.

Firstly, it is the fact that the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away, but it doesn't necessarily mean the proposed new jazz club would have the local market all to itself. We will, of course, chose the near jazz club, if there is no other factors affecting us, like old friends, good shopping mall, than just the jazz music. So there is no evidence that the new jazz club, C-Note, will get its own market share, unless the true profiting factor is understood properly, not just because of its location.

Secondly, the authors try to illustrate that jazz is extremely popular in Monroe, but more substantial concerns should be addressed than what they have provided. It is pointed out that over 100,000 people attended the annual jazz festival last summer, but we don't how many local people there. Even given local people consist of considerable percentage, it is still possible that their attendance has nothing with their preference for jazz. It is also pointed out that several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe now, however, there may be some other things attract them, like lower living expense, quiet environment, rather than the enthusiasm of local people for jazz. When it comes to the "Jazz Nightly", many other factors can make it highest-rated. Maybe it is the only music program in Monroe, or others are much disappointing. Even given the assumption is true, that jazz is extremely popular in Monroe, no one can guarantee that a jazz club is profitable, since there is no necessary relation between popularity and profit. Much more should be taken into consider, like other entertainment enterprise already in Monroe.

Last but not least, the validity and scope of the survey, cited to represents the average expense spent on jazz entertainment by a typical jazz fan, is not clear. What is included in the expense and how is the survey conducted? We just do not know. Furthermore, it cannot represent the local people in Monroe, since the survey is nationwide and the living standard varies much across the nation. Unless it is carried out validly and focused on local people, the survey is useless to support the author's argument.

To sum up, a new jazz club in Monroe may be profitable, however, the evidence provided is not likely convincing enough to support the application for the loan.

zlatan9UID: 2458066

第二次写了，45分钟， 526 words, 大家拿砖头用力拍。。。。。

The argument states that a jazz music club in Monroe would be a profitable enterprise. However, the author does not provide enough cinvinience evidences to sufficent support his results, on the contrast, from which contains numbers of evidence to weaken the ideal.

First, the author states tha fact that the nearest jazz club to town is 65 miles, so that a nearer club is due to have its local markets, however, he does not provide specific reason to demonstrate the case, and in the opposite sides, the case may be a false condition. For instance, those who attend the jazz party held 65 miles away do not mean to go for the jazz music, but go to visit old friends in that party, or make new friends in the place where the jazz club located, or do not attend the party at all, but for shopping in that place. Also, even there is a nearer party, people from Monroe may will not attend,or the number is limited, for example, the condition in this club is so bad or worse than that of the one 65 miles away. So, if the author want to convice me, he must prove that people attend the jazz party is all fond of jazz, and the number is large.

Second, the writer believe jazz is surely to be well populated in Monroe for the number of people who attended to the jazz festival last summer. I think it is  limited to make the conclusion. Do people attend the festival all for enjoying jazz? Or, are these attendence all fond of the music? They may go to the party just for enjoy the atmosphere, or so. Even assuming that every attendence are in deeply love with the style music, the number provides by the writer is unconvinience. For, the number of people in this town may be 1,000,000,000, so that the music is not sure to be valid.

Also, the author states the fact the several famous jazz musician live in Monroe to confirm his statement. But, the case that these well-know stars live here do not mean that jazz music will be popular in this town. What is more, they live here just for peace in this town, while jazz is not populated, and they can have a peace living atmosphere.

Then, the author also gives the example of the radio program to support his opinion. On the contrast, I hold my opinion that this evidence is not enough to give a perfect supporting. The reasons which cause tha case that this program to be a highest-rated is vary, for instance, the other program is much more tediouse than the jazz. What is more, broadcasting at 7 p.m. cannot be unique reason to well proved the jazz is popular, and broadcasting at this time may because that the advertiments in this program is much more expensive than any others. If the author wish to convince me, he must point out the specific reasons.

Last, the writer cites a study data to support his ideal. However, the author fails to indicate the truth or the reality and the valid of the survey. For instance, the study was done 100 years ago, or the number of people who attend the survey is limited, for instance , is only 1. What is more, the truth ca n be doubtful, that is , these testers may tell lies. So, these insufficent evidence may not best support the main ideal of the passage.

The evidence provided by the author to support his ideal is so limiited to aim it. To convince readers, the writer must provide the proper and enough details to show that jazz music is popular and a local jazz club will be profitable.

琼央UID: 3236722

第一次写a==总共花了>4个小时估计==真要考试我就屎了==

The author of this proposal attempts to apply for a small-business loan to open a new jazz club in Monroe displays an enthralling argument but definitely needs more skills to provide valid evidence to support his/her theory. Despite every example given as a whole are logically related, some pieces are deduced without careful cogitating to appeal to the money owner.

Firstly, it may be true that A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. But once given second thought, whether the jazz business would take up the most percentage of civil entertainment in Monroe or not remains uncertain. Not strong proofs show that none any other kinds of relaxation exist in this very place and already has a bunch of regular customers, assuming a game bar may in a way distract people’s attention away from the might-be jazz club with ease. And in deeper thinking, even the definition of a tremendous business leaves holes to fill in. People may doubt if the benefits of opening a jazz club could truly overwhelm a McDonalds .In fact, the author seems to neglect some importantly supporting details to assure the potential of the loan.

Also mentioned in the application, having the nearest jazz club several miles away adds additional confidence to the pure victory of the C-Note, which might be sound if only the already-existed club has never developed its reputation among neighborhood buyers. Or hopefully the new jazz club wins every credit from the jazz music lovers overnight, still shrewd clients may pay long distance to purchase what they want instead of stepping into the new and nearer one, in a ferocious price war among the two clubs perhaps. These assumptions suggest little thought given to the author’s assertion and more precise patterns are needed to make a more convincing argument.

Besides, instances presented to indicate the popularity of jazz in Monroe are bit of blindly optimistic. Curiosity comes whether the Monroe's annual jazz festival attracting more than ten thousand audience last year is a coincidence or not? Are reasons for the famous jazz musicians to settle down in Monroe simply out of admiration of the dense music-loving atmosphere, or for its exquisite environment mainly? Do any other radio programs in the daytime or other forms of media like TV series enjoy better popularity than the Jazz Nightly? These questions may help the developers reevaluate the hidden competition and come up with a more prudent blueprint.

Last, the scope and validity of the nationwide study is ambiguous. We are dying to know whether the survey
itself is circumspectly taken so that the result can be seen as a cogent one, in which interviewees are true jazz lovers and are free of being allured by some ulterior-motived companies. Plus, whether or not the result can be directly transferred into the situation here in Monroe matters, especially when we have no access to the actual fiscal condition of the city via the passage. In this sense, outsiders are very likely to suspect the possibility of jazz lovers in a below- average city spending around $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment. Only if all the leaks eliminated can the study effectively back the application.

ylhchdUID: 3055726

我修改的是ci的

结论：C俱乐部会赚钱
假设：jazz在M城很流行
解释：1.最近的club距M城60公里
         2.去年夏天10万人参加爵士音乐节
         3.一些知名jazz音乐人住在M城
         4.评价最高的电台节目是jazz
         5.一个全国调查表明典型爵士迷每年花1000美元在爵士上

In this argument, the developers conclude that the proposed jazz club, namely C Note, would profit a multitude of money. At first glance, the conclusion seems reasonable and logical: Monron city does not have a jazz club presence and jazz music is seemingly popular among citizens.（这里感觉列举有点不充分，可以把下文要列举的问题做个简要的概述） Nevertheless, the argument is unconvincing and unpersuasive（看起来好别扭，后面又跟个unless，建议not表达） unless the developers could give definite answers to several critical questions as follows.
第一段写的没有什么问题，但是感觉没有扣题，evidence没有得到体现，可以在最后一句进行修改体现。
First of all, the argument above rests on（rely？） the assumption that the popularity of jazz music absolutely（这个词太绝对了） indicates profitability of the C Note. However, the arguer does not take into account（这个可以这么使用吗？） other factors that might also affect the prospect of the C Note. It is entirely possible that citizens of Monroe are merely dabblers of the jazz music ocean, who only want to appreciate the surface of jazz music rather than dive into it.（好比喻！） Moreover, granted that jazz music does have real fans in Monroe city, the arguer needs to answer the question that what is the exact proportion of these fans, whether would they go to the jazz club, and how much would they consume in the jazz club. （加个连接词会更好）Without precisely responsing the questions above, the arguer cannot make the hasty generalization that the proposed jazz club is gainful.（大的问题依旧是没有按照要求）

Even given that the assumption is reasonable, the statistics also have some logical problems. （我记得之前看过一篇文章分析这种让步写法的，基本上不是很赞成这种整段的让步，https://bbs.gter.net/thread-921368-1-1.html 可以看一下）The fact that the nearest jazz club is 60 miles away from Monroe might be the indication that jazz music does not enjoy a popularity among citizens. And there is still a possibility that people who showed up on the Monron's jazz festival last summer come from other cities. （这个观点要继续展开，继续说其他cities的不会来，可能不是顾客）The arguer need to give specific proportion （换表达方式，前文已有）of the local fans among the whole number and the ratio of these fans among the Monroe citizens. Unless detailed data presented, the conclusion is unwarranted.What is more, the survey is also problematic in the following two respects, which strongly weaken the conclusion that the C Note would have the entire local market. （最后一句话，感觉可以作为下一段的开头，放在这里别扭，本段的可以继续延伸论述，说说其他的可能性）

Firstly,the nationwide study does not necessarily apply to the situation of Monroe city. Secondly, the amount that typical jazz fan expends does not indicate the amount of average person.（这两个证据都可以展开的，这样这段就更加丰富，否则好干巴） Also, the percentage of the 1000 dollars in the daily consumption needs to be answered, or the argument will be unjustifiable. In addition,the concept of well-known is unclear and vague. It is possible that these well-known jazz musicians are only limited in Monroe city.

The process of evaluting the profitability of the proposed jazz club C Note is complicated and laborious and needs to take into account of every possible factors. Yet it is common that all investors desire to make money, the developer's argument is not likely significant persuasive that the C Note is profitable unless all of the above-mentioned questions completely answered.（第二句和前一句重复，第一句可以阐述一些事实第二句转折突出）

文章整体还可以，词汇和句式的运用上面不错。
但是有以下几个问题：
1 没有按照要求来，这个可能会是个致命伤
2 逻辑有点混乱，建议可以列好中文提纲，然后调整好论证顺序
3 段落重点要突出，上下不一定需要衔接的。

水平有限，见笑。

cinkieUID: 2933620

11# ylhchd
谢谢咯
唔。。。我写的是另一题，argument164，不是evidence那个。。

Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the prediction and the argument on which it is based are reasonable. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the prediction.

琼央UID: 3236722

In this argument, the author concludes that the jazz music club in Monroe would be① a tremendously profitable enterprise. To justify this conclusion, the author points out that the proposed new jazz club(C-Note),would appeal to② all the local market as jazz is the③ top-popular music in Monroe and there is ④no jazz club nearby. The author also cites some evidence including⑤ the number of the people who attended Monroe’s annual jazz festival, suggesting that the Monroe people are crazy about jazz. However, this argument is flawed in several critical respects. 1.这里涉及五个观点，看起来是想先把文章简单梳理，然后下文提出自己的见解。综合全文看，引文下文出现对4个论据的评估，所以是不是开头也出现这四个论据比较好？（比如漏了musicians）2 .however前后连接不太圆润，感觉话没说完，在文段前后加一些联系文章的词句会不会比较好？
The first evidence （that可不要，显简练）needed to evaluate the argument will be（可用is取代划线部分）the true reason why there is so many people going to the jazz festival. The author observes the correlation between the large number of people went（两个动词了，应该用过去分词或者ing吧） to the local annual jazz festival and the popularity of jazz, then concludes that jazz is the most popular in Monroe. However, as we know, the former cannot be the substantial support for the latter. For example, if the city does not have enough entertainment facilities, the local people will choose to go to the jazz festival just because it is a substitution, not out of the passion for jazz. Besides this（this可以不要了吧）, what’s the population of Monroe city? If the city population is far more than 100，000, then it will not surprise us that so many people went to the annual jazz festival.

A further evidence might be helpful to evaluate the argument is whether the currently existed jazz club has some unique traits to attract the local fans. Even assuming the widespread passion for jazz in Monroe city, the author provides no assurances that the absence of a jazz club nearby will result in the attraction of a new one for the local jazz fans. Perhaps the 65-mile away jazz club has some unique specific characteristics that appeal to the local fans while that cannot be imitated easily. If the assumption is true, even opening a new jazz club cannot ensure it would provide enough reasons for the local jazz fans abandoning the old one.

就2、3段看来，如果开头部分是先提到了No jazz club nearby再提到number of people attending the jazz festival，那么这两段的顺序是不是调转一下读来比较顺畅呢？

To fully support the conclusion of this argument, another substantial evidence we must figure out is how much the local jazz fan spend on jazz entertainment per year on average. Ignoring the possibility of the survey’s statistical unreliability, the author has made a severe logic mistake that the survey nationwide may not be accurate for the Monroe city. It is reasonable that the local people spend far less than the nationwide average due to the low income levels.

Besides from the above mentioned evidence（beside from the evidence mentioned above）, the reason why many well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe is what we care about. It may be the livable surroundings that appeal to the jazz celebrities rather than the jazz atmosphere. And the number of famous jazz musicians has no direct impact on what type of music is Monroe people’s favorite.

A new jazz club will not only improve the local people’s leisure activities, but also increase the job opportunities. However, as the above mentioned analysis, there is (are) still lots of evidence needed to evaluate the application. In conclusion, the argument of building a new jazz club is unconvincing as it stands.

846136085UID: 2987171

8# zlatan9 先挑拼写和语法错误，用红色标了出来。有些地方反复拼错了，很影响我阅读……
The argument states that a jazz music club in Monroe would be a profitable enterprise. However, the author does not provide enough cinvinience(convincing) evidences to sufficent(sufficiently) support his results, on the contrast, from which contains numbers of evidence to weaken the ideal（这个从句貌似缺主语……）.

First, the author states tha(the) fact that the nearest jazz club to town is 65 miles, so that a nearer club is due to have its local markets, however, he does not provide specific reason to demonstrate the case, and in the opposite sides, the case may be a false condition. For instance, those who attend the jazz party held 65 miles away do not mean to go for the jazz music, but go to visit old friends in that party, or make new friends in the place where the jazz club located, or do not attend the party at all, but for shopping in that place. Also, even there is a nearer party, people from Monroe may will not attend,or the number is limited,（这里应该句号了吧，否则就是为了长句而长句了） for example, the condition in this club is so bad or worse than that of the one 65 miles away. So, if the author want(wants) to convice(convince) me, he must prove that people attend the jazz party is (are) all fond of jazz, and the number is large.

Second, the writer believe(believes) jazz is surely to be well populated(well populated是非常流行的意思？手误？还是我不知道这么个短语？) in Monroe for the number of people who attended to the jazz festival last summer. I think it is limited to make the conclusion. Do people attend the festival all for enjoying jazz? Or, are these attendence(attendances) all fond of the music? They may go to the party just for enjoy(enjoying) the atmosphere, or so. Even assuming that every attendance are(is) in deeply love with the style music, the number provides by the writer is unconvinience(unconvincing). For, the number of people in this town may be 1,000,000,000, so that the music is not sure to be valid.

Also, the author states the fact the several famous jazz musician(s) live in Monroe to confirm his statement. But, the case that these well-know(well-known) stars live here do(does) not mean that jazz music will be(时态不对吧？) popular in this town. What is more, they live here just for peace in this town, while jazz is not populated（这里不很明白）, and they can have a peace(peaceful) living atmosphere.

Then, the author also gives the example of the radio program to support his opinion. On the contrast, I hold my opinion that this evidence is not enough to give a perfect supporting. The reasons which cause tha(the) case that this program to be a highest-rated is(去掉is) vary, for instance, the other program is much more tediouse(tedious) than the jazz. What is more, broadcasting at 7 p.m. cannot be unique reason to well proved(prove) the jazz is popular, and broadcasting at this time may because that the advertiments in this program is(are) much more expensive than any others. If the author wish to convince me, he must point out the specific reasons(reason).

Last, the writer cites a study data to support his ideal(idea). However, the author fails to indicate the truth or the reality and the valid(validity) of the survey. For instance, the study was done 100 years ago, or the number of people who attend the survey is limited, for instance, is only 1. What is more, the truth can be doubtful, that is, these testers may tell lies. So, these insufficent(insufficient) evidence may not best support the main ideal(idea) of the passage.

The evidence provided by the author to support his ideal(idea) is so limiited(limited) to aim it. To convince readers, the writer must provide the proper and enough details to show that jazz music is popular and a local jazz club will be profitable.


个人感觉很本人的水平很接近，找的点也基本一样，用的词汇也在一个水平上。
最大的问题应该就是，根据题目要求，似乎应该提出一些建议，这个我也基本忽略了。
先这么多，等下回宿舍继续。

greenbeanmeimeiUID: 2854957

结论：C俱乐部会赚钱
假设：jazz在M城很流行
解释：1.最近的club距M城60公里
         2.去年夏天10万人参加爵士音乐节
         3.一些知名jazz音乐人住在M城
         4.评价最高的电台节目是jazz
         5.一个全国调查表明典型爵士迷每年花1000美元在爵士上

#良药重口的作文修改 红色部分为我认为需要改进的地方。

总的来说，我认为这篇文章:D:victory:
①找到了非常多的逻辑错误，这点值得我们学习！几乎把上面有问题的解释都涵盖了   # 良药重口 来交流一下经验吧:)
②文章结构完整，但段与段之间，句子与句子之间的关系逻辑不是很紧凑，需要多用连接词，给评分人清晰的思路。一些举例可以更加深入一点，让人一目了然。
③一些批驳的固定句式用得不错，但是重复太多，给读者语言掌握得不好的感觉，建议灵活使用句式
④语法没有大问题，小的问题就是第三人称啊，否定句式啊，单复数啊要仔细

It might seem logical toagree with the claim in the application written by those developers that a jazzmusic club would be a tremendously profitable enterprise in Monroe. However, tofully evaluate the application, we needa large number of evidence. Itmight turn out to be the case that the claim might be weaker than it seems or be quite valid. In order to make that determination, we really need toknow more, and then analyze what we learn.

The first piece of evidence thatmight help us in order to evaluate the application is the real reason why thereis not a single jazz music club surrounding (not surrounding, but in原文中所言)Monroe.According to the claim in theapplication, the nearest jazz club is 65miles away. For example, it might turn out that there is no market for musicclub in Monroe (最好举个反例). In that case, this would seriously weaken thedevelopers' proposal.

Another piece of evidence that weneed in order to evaluate the developers' application is information aboutwhether the residents in Monroe do or donot enjoy music like jazz.
(建议enjoymusic like jazz or not).Those
(前文没有指出, 这里应该用the)developers point out that over 100000 people attended Monroe' annual jazzfestival last summer. But how many people are there in Monroe? We do not know,nor do we know whether the annual jazz festival is charged or not. It wouldsurely weaken the developers' claim if we were to learn that the number of the attenders (attendees)is dwarfed by the number of totalMonroe residents (?没有看懂
) orthat the annual jazz festival is just free for the local residents. Withoutknowing the details about the annual jazz festival, we cannot accept theapplication written (proposed) by those developers.

In addition,(最好加一个转折的提醒) In order to fully evaluate the application, we mightneed a significant amount of evidences, such as the detail information aboutthe well-known jazz musicians living in Monroe. It would definitely underminethose developers' claims if we had evidence that those jazz musicians who livein Monroe never perform a single song in Monroe. Moreover, the claim would beineffective if it turns out to be the case, for example, that the "JazzNightly" is the only available radio in Monroe so that the "JazzNightly" could be the "highest-rated" radio.

To evaluate the application morethoroughly, we might need more details about the nationwide study cited bythose developers. The mere fact that the typical jazz fan in their countryspends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment does not means (mean) thata jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Wedo not know the price level in their country, nor do we know the howmuch money a typical jazz fan in Monroe spends. It might turn out to be case,for instance, that jazz fans in Monroe don't pay money on jazz music and theyonly attend free jazz festival annually. In that case, it would seriouslyweaken the claims in that application.

A new jazz club might enrich the lifeof the local residents in Monroe and might create new jobs in Monroe. For thosereasons, the local government might encourage a new jazz club. However, withoutadditional convincing evidences, those developers do not make a cogent conclusion that ajazz music club in Monroe would inherently be a tremendously profitableenterprise. Therefore, those developerswould benefit from a norm survey asking a wide range of residents. (末尾处应该是全文的总结，如果把这句话提到前一段就更好了)



就写这些吧，希望对你有所帮助，呵呵加油咯:p


by greenbean 绿豆
Where there is a will, there is way!