有没有哪位大虾帮我改改独立写作？5月20号考~

sunshine_9661UID: 3126788

题目：Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: if parents whattheir children perform well in school, they should limit the hours that theirchildren spend watching TV.

As students take lots of their spare time to just sit in the sofa andwatching endless television shows, parents can’t stop worrying about theirchildren’ study. Nowadays there is a wide discussion among parents that shouldor not limit the hours that their children spend watching TV. As myperspective, parents should limit the hours that their children spend watchingTV for some reasons.

First of all, study shows that watching TV does little help to studentto develop their health and mind maturing. Experts say that a child learns moredoing a activity than watching a television program about the activity. For instance,instead of watching TV, students should take some outdoor activities such asplaying basketball with friends, learning a new instrument and reading and soon. Getting along with friends may promote the ability of communication, coordinationas well as cooperation. Reading and learning an instrument can develop theircritical thinking skills. All of those abilities are necessary to be successfulin school which watching TV can’t bring to them.

In addition, a limitation of watching TV increases the study time of astudent, which means working harder than before and undoubtedly getting abetter job in school. Take me as an example, in my primary school, I was toldthat I can watch TV after I finished my homework. Being eager for watching TV, Itried my best to do my homework quickly as a result of many mistakes. I knewthat if I spent more time doing my homework I can do better. After that, momtook a limitation to watching TV of only one hour a day. Having more time to focusin my homework, I got good grades and I felt very thankful for my mom.

Finally, it is unhealthy for children to spending too much timewatching TV. If a child just stays home and stares at TV, he has a high risk ofbecoming obese. When one watches TV, snakes like ice cream, popcorn and otherjunk food might be necessary. Lack of exercises and eating vast junk food,children may have a high risk of becoming obese and it is bad not only to his healthbut also his study.

Watching too much TV is not healthy for children and parents shouldlimit the amount they let their children watch. This gives children more timeto focus in their study. And they should play out with friends or learn aninstrument which do good to their health both in body but in mind and it is a prerequisiteto have a success in school.

sunshine_9661UID: 3126788

第二篇，题目：Should universities finance students’ sports activities equally as libraries?

School’s main responsibility is developing students’ academic ability. Although a health body is a prerequisite to a student’s learning and academic research, not meaning that universities should spend as much money as libraries on sports activities.

First of all, for students who occupying lots of time to study, a quiet and comfortable study environment would promote their efficiencies undoubtedly. As we know, a campus dorm room usually accommodate up to eight students in a little room, so we can image that how tough is it for students to study in their dorm room. Taking me as an example, it usually takes more than 3 hours to further study after class. A large library is hugely helpful for me to study more efficiently and more enjoyably. On the other hand, students just spend little time on physical exercises every day. It would be a waste to spend so much money on sports activities.

In addition to the costs of building appropriate faculties, a university must also pay every year to keep its collection well organized and up-to-date. The goal of every university library should be to have the most current materials and books need in order to study and do cutting edge research. The larger the student’s population, the larger the library should be built and the more comprehensive the collection should be. Furthermore, it must be necessary to employ several experienced people to answer students’ questions about the collection and other stuffs. Well, continuing costs for sports, on the other hand, is pretty much smaller. It just needs some part-time job employees to do the maintenance routines.

Finally, although a healthy body is required for study, the investment to ensure a physical health is small. And a university‘s main job is to develop their students’ mind not their body, so it is visible to spend more money on library.

jiang08UID: 2391146

看了第一篇，论点没有问题，论证的比较清晰，例子也OK。
但第一段中Experts say that a child learns more doing a activity than watching a television program about the activity。看这句话的意思，下文是要写在电视上看篮球和实际打篮球之类的区别，但下面没有提到前者。所以请把这个分论点调整一下。另外你说学乐器可以develop critical thinking skills。How so？？
语言上错误实在太多，已经影响到你行文的意思。
首先， 请注意拼写，你既然是在word里面写的，让他帮你检查一下拼写吧。另外一些单词比如零食是snacks 不是snakes……
其次，句子的结构非常中文化，很多助动词to，动词ing的语法错误，这方面先复习一下吧。一些动词搭配有误，比如getting 【doing】 a better job in school。一些介词有误，As 【from】 my perspective
另外对于单词的意思把握不准确，比如limitation和limit（名词），查一下字典去。这里应该用limit。

jiang08UID: 2391146

我评作文一贯比较直接，别灰心。。。。还有2周是可以有很多进步的，多练练吧。

sunshine_9661UID: 3126788

4# jiang08
真的是太谢谢了，还以为没人鸟我呢。。
才开始写作文 真的的是各种无力。继续加油了！~

sunshine_9661UID: 3126788

第三篇来鸟，题目：Some people prefer to spend their free time outdoors. Other people prefer to spend their leisure time indoors. Would you prefer to be outside or would you prefer to be inside for your leisure activities? Use specific reasons and examples to explain your choice.

With the rapid development of the society and the working efficiencies, people have more and more free time to control.Some, claiming that they would prefer to spend their leisure time indoors, think that it is relaxed to stay at home after a whole week work. As my respective, I would prefer to spend my free time outdoors for some reasons.

First of all, taking outdoor activities contribute to the formation of our characters. Take me as an example, in my leisure time, I always hang out with my friends chatting out, watching movies or doing some outdoor exercises. Spending time with friends makes me don’t feel lonely and develops my social skills like communication, cooperation and coordination. As we know, there are numerous outdoor activities you can do such as traveling and going hiking.  Making us strong and tenacious, activities like those always have a positive effect on the formation of our personality.

In addition, as we spend too much time working in the room, going outdoors is a healthier choice. In work days, people just stay in front of the computers and have little time to do some exercises. There is a higher and higher risk of cervical spondylitis among young people recent years. Therefore, doing some outdoors exercises is necessary for us to keep a healthy body and work more efficiently.

Finally, we can also learn lot of knowledge and broaden our horizon by taking outdoors activities. For example, in weekends, we can go out to visit some historical sites and museums, which might enrich our knowledge and help us to have a better understanding about the world we live. We can also have a convert or watch an opera, which promote the ability of aesthetic perception.

In conclusion, taking all the above discussions into consideration, I prefer to go outdoors rather than stay at home in my free time. I can learn knowledge, make new friends and really have a great relief away from the tough work. And taking outdoor activities contributes to keeping a good health which make me full of power to take part in my job.

jiang08UID: 2391146

4# jiang08
真的是太谢谢了，还以为没人鸟我呢。。
才开始写作文 真的的是各种无力。继续加油了！~
sunshine_9661 发表于 2012-5-9 09:03

练习作文固然重要，更重要的是知道欠缺在哪里，然后改进。
如果你有时间的话可以把之前那篇的语言自己改改，至少语法正确了再贴上来看看。

sunshine_9661UID: 3126788

7# jiang08
尽我最大可能改了一些，您再帮我看看怎么样了。
对于句式太中文化，我也不知道该从哪方面下手。还是多读几篇高分文章吧。


As students take lots of their spare time to justsit in the sofa and watch endless television shows, parents can’t stop worryingabout their children’s study. Nowadays there is a wide discussion among parentsthat should or not limit the hours that their children spend watching TV. Formy perspective, parents should limit the hours that their children spendwatching TV for some reasons.

First of all, study shows that watching TV does littleto help student to develop their health and mind maturing. Experts say that achild learns more doing an activity than watching a television program aboutthe activity. For instance, if someone just stays at home and watches basketballgames, he can never learn how to play basketball. Instead of staying at home,students can take outdoor activities such as hanging out with friends, learninga new instrument and doing some reading. Getting along with friends promotes theability of communication, coordination as well as cooperation. Reading andlearning an instrument can develop their independent thinking skills. All ofthose abilities are necessary to be successful in school which watching TV cannotbring to them.

In addition, a limit of watching TV increases thestudy time of a student, which means working harder than before and undoubtedlydoing a better job in school. Take myself for example, in my primary school, Iwas told that I can watch TV after I finished my homework. Being eager to watchTV, I tried my best to do my homework quickly absolutely as a result of manymistakes. I knew that if I spent more time doing my homework I can do better. Afterthat, mom took a limit of watching TV only one hour a day. Having more time to focusin my homework, I got good grades and I felt so thankful for my mom.

Finally, it is unhealthy for children to spendingtoo much time watching TV. If a child just stays home and stares at TV, he hasa high risk of becoming obese. When one watches TV, snacks like ice cream,popcorn and other junk food might be necessary. Lack of exercises and eatingvast junk food, children may have a higher risk of becoming obese and it makelittle sense for student to study and keep in good health.

Watching too much TV is not healthy for children andparents should limit the amount they let their children watch. This giveschildren more time to focus in their study. And they should play out with friendsor learn an instrument that do good to their health both in body but in mind andit is also a prerequisite to have a success in school.

sunshine_9661UID: 3126788

自己顶一下。。有木有人帮我改作文

laotaitaiUID: 3143871

如果只有两个分论点，可以么？

laotaitaiUID: 3143871

你好，如果只写两个分论点，但是字数能达到400字，你觉得可以么？ 7# jiang08

秋雨荆州UID: 2903781

9# sunshine_9661