5.27 Issue82 要考试了，求拍 ,这篇自己重写了三遍，但是不知道是什么水平？谢谢

mabodxUID??2722864

谢谢大家了
Issue 82 Colleges and universities should requiretheir students to spend at least one semester studying in a foreign country.




Is there a need for college students inthe university to study abroad for a semester before they are ready for graduatingfrom college? I do advocate that an oversea studying will merits. For one thing,meeting with foreign people in the other country help students improve theirsecond language. Besides, foreign culture which is quite different from their ownculture will broaden their eyes. In addition, having being familiar with anotherculture, students will be shared with more opportunities and offered with morejobs.


Colleges requiring students studying atleast one semester in the other countries may do well for them to master their second language.For example, if a Japanese student is attracted by English, and he goes toEngland. Living, studying and taking with local people who can speak idiomaticEnglish, he could know how to use English and practicing it every day will makehim learn it quite will.


Furthermore, while studying a languagein the other country, one semester abroad will also make students immerse intoamazing exotic scenery which they have scarcely imagined. Being passed onknowledge which is absolutely different their own culture which they are veryfamiliar with would attract them. They will be beneficial from these unforgettableexperiences. Consider a student whose major is Sociology may analyze more deepabout difference of cultures after he has such abroad experiences.


Certain that adopting this requirementthat students ought to study for at least one year would let them be morecompetent when they go for work. Statistic analysis and data have told us thatmore opportunities would offer to the candidate who have oversea experience andmaster foreign languages. In such cases, if there are two candidates withsimilar ability and the same bachelor degree apply for the same job in a bigcompany, we can imagine the manager would choose the one with experiencesabroad which would help the company broaden its market in the foreign country.In fact, besides finding a job in their home country, it is also possible forstudents to find a job in the country where they go. For instance, A French mancan, at least, find a job about teaching French in some other country.


Admittedly, such remarkable experienceswould be wonderful, but it need a lot of money for it may not cheap to travelto some other country and the payment for schooling could be quite a bigproblem. Actually, we cannot think how a student in a low-income family inAfrica may pay all the money they need in the United States. Perhaps a farbetter way to solve this problem is to get government financial aid.


Although, there is some difficulty inabroad education, it could not mask such great chances it provides us. Allthese, such as more job opportunities, quicker language leaning, alluringculture, deserve a semester oversea, and colleges should betterlet their student for oversea studying.

咖啡盐UID??2973669

1# mabodx

Issue 82 Colleges and universities should require their students to spend at least one semester studying in a foreign country.




Is there a need【necessity】 for college students inthe university 【删】to study abroad for a【one】 semester 【or more】before they are ready for graduatingfrom college? 【before graduating】【怎么说呢，后面这个比较累赘。college students本身就代表了在学校读书的学生，不需要再多加赘述在毕业前。不过加了也没什么问题，看LZ喜好吧。】I do advocate that【expeirence of】 oversea studying will merits【这个词让我看的很纠结，没理解LZ究竟要做哪个成分。】.
For one thing,meeting with foreign people in the other country help students improve theirsecond language. Besides, foreign culture which is quite different from their ownculture will broaden their eyes. In addition, having being familiar with anotherculture, students will be shared with more opportunities and offered with morejobs.【首段不需要展开论述。另外就是你的立论上，题目的核心在于校方这边，你需要在立场上对校方有所考量，而不仅仅是从学生的角度来思考这个问题。在给出立场时，要包含校方的色彩。从校方考虑，让学生海外交流目的何在？】


【To begin with, 】Colleges requiring students studying atleast one semester in the other countries may do well for them to master their second language.【你在论据中提到去某个国家可以提高学生的外语水平。那么，为什么会起到这个作用你总要说说吧？语言的特性，就是要多用，多说，才会学的更快，最好的方法就是融入当地的文化中去学。这个你总要说下吧，不然例子跟前面完全没有联系。】For example, if a Japanese student is attracted by English, and he goes to England. Living, studying and taking with local people who can speak idiomaticEnglish, he could know how to use English and practicing it every day will makehim learn it quite will.【你的例子太笼统了。尝试着去细化，如何在当地的生活，学习，交流中提升自己的外语水平。】


Furthermore, while studying a languagein the other country, one semester abroad will also make students immerse intoamazing exotic scenery which they have scarcely imagined.【病句】 Being passed onknowledge which is absolutely different their own culture which they are veryfamiliar with【删】 would attract them.【diferent两边的成分应该是相一致的。用knowledge和culture去相类比很奇怪。两者本身就存在区别。】 They will be beneficial from these unforgettableexperiences. Consider a student whose major is Sociology may analyze more deepabout difference of cultures after he has such abroad experiences.【和上一段一样的问题，太笼统。这样不同的经历带给了他什么样的提升？你总要说出来吧？】


Certain that adopting this requirementthat students ought to study for at least one year would let them be morecompetent when they go for work. Statistic analysis and data 【哪来的数据？】have told us thatmore opportunities would offer to the candidate who have oversea experience andmaster foreign languages. In such cases, if there are two candidates withsimilar ability and the same bachelor degree apply for the same job in a bigcompany, we can imagine the manager would choose the one with experiencesabroad which would help the company broaden its market in the foreign country.In fact, besides finding a job in their home country, it is also possible forstudents to find a job in the country where they go. For instance, A French mancan, at least, find a job about teaching French in some other country.


Admittedly, such remarkable experienceswould be wonderful, but it need a lot of money for it may not cheap to travelto some other country and the payment for schooling could be quite a bigproblem. Actually, we cannot think how a student in a low-income family inAfrica may pay all the money they need in the United States. Perhaps a farbetter way to solve this problem is to get government financial aid.


Although, there is some difficulty inabroad education, it could not mask such great chances it provides us. Allthese, such as more job opportunities, quicker language leaning, alluringculture, deserve a semester oversea, and colleges should betterlet their student for oversea studying.

说实话，真不觉得这是改了三遍的文章。首先错词；其次病句；第三整篇文章没有好好思考怎么去写，段首说国外交流的经历有很多益处，论证部分只是在说能学好外语，能了解一些国外的文化，然后找工作的时候就比别人牛。另外还有些偏题，题目要求探讨学校是否需要要求他们的学生进行海外交流，主体在学校方面，学生从属地位。整篇都在讨论学生去了海外能怎么样，与题目的契合不够。

建议LZ多看看范文，看看范文怎么安排段落意义和展开论证的，这方面很有欠缺。还有一点，句子太罗嗦。并不是句子长就好，一句句子拖着一长串毫无意义的从句并不会加分。能简单说完的东西，谁会像中国这样颠来倒去说几遍？

mabodxUID??2722864

2# 咖啡盐
谢谢版主，好厉害，可能自己水平太差了，第一遍和第二遍的更搓。版大改的好细，好感动，我再细细修改这篇，自己看由于水平的限制好多都看不出问题。手段那个问题是新东方耨老师说，手段先给出全文各段论点，然后下面再分点论述，所以我就这么写了。可能是我没有理解到精髓

mabodxUID??2722864

2# 咖啡盐
今年仔细再看了一遍文章，看了看发现确实想版大您说的那样，整个证明都不具有很强的说服力，没有细节阐明论据和论点的关系。语言表达也不怎么的。经过您这么点播感觉学到了好多，继续修改这篇，谢谢您