ISSUE22

onleyuUID: 135875

仔细构思了一番，可是感觉还是有点言不达意，摆脱给点意见。谢了先！
ISSUE22
Many people believe that a few individuals or small groups (family, friends, teachers, celebrities,  for example) have caused them to think and  behave in the way they do. Yet it is always society as a whole that defines us and our attitudes, not a few individuals."

My response is:

I fundamentally agree with the speaker’s opinion that we are defined by the society as a whole. Yet it’s also true that our own style of thinking and acting is some time taught and shaped by some persons whom we think are of great importance on the forming of our characteristics. The total fact is that the society, not as an abstract conception, defines its composites, but through some certain individuals and in some certain circumstances. To illustrate this, let’s consider the two sides of this matter in turn.
Firstly, As is well known that socializing is the process for a human to turn from a little creature into an fully defined individual, the society is exerting its influence on its people all the time. Through school education, it instills in pupils’ mind the knowledge it owns and the moral values it holds. In social activities it teaches people the proper way to take each other and the way to deal with difficult situations. Using mass media, like TV, newspaper, and Internet, etc., it encompass people with its culture, or show people those currently happening in the world, drawing its people’s attention on what it concerns. In a word, society seems to try its best to put its composites’ minds and actions under its influence and shape them into what it values. But society in whole is not a real entity. Its affection on individuals can only be carried out by some special individuals, such as teachers, popular stars, politics and so on.

On the other hand, one can always list out some persons that have dramatically mould his personality. We can often hear that one man says that “My hero is my father, who has planted the seeds of  braveness, righteousness, and love in my soul”, or a scientist says “I owe my success to my professor, for it is he that introduce to me the magical world of physics”. It’s true that these are individuals influenced us in an critical manner. But we should not forget that this professor is only one of many excellent physicists who are changing the way human looking the world, and this father shares with millions of people the most valuable human virtue. Whatever one person does or speaks, he is seldom the only one to do it, he is one of a certain group who share the same believe, and what effects he makes on others is a kind of social effect just as once happened on himself.

And when trying to find more direct proof of social influences on individual, we can turn to M. Jordan, the most successful basketball player. Jordan said it was the high school team couch who left him out of the team for a year that became his motivation of making great efforts on the game,  it was P. Jackson, the couch of Chicago Bulls who taught him how to win the championship, and it was all those basketball fans who gave him endless energy and courage to always play the best in the game yard . All these individuals helped Jordan to became the greatest player in history, and this can be taken as a best example that illustrates how the forces from all the society has contributed to the consummation of one individual.      

In conclusion, I’d like to say that individuals and the society can never be separated. It was his essence of sociality that first differed human from animals, and it is only human whose group has the attribute of sociality. And it is the individuals that stand for the whole society when executing the function of defining individuals.

luckyqjaUID: 140650

I fundamentally agree with the speaker’s opinion that we are defined by the society as a whole. Yet it’s also true that our own style of thinking and acting is some time taught and shaped by some persons whom we think are of great importance on the forming of our characteristics. The total fact is that the society, not as an abstract conception, defines its composites, but through some certain individuals and in some certain circumstances.(这个主题句简练一点更好啊！) To illustrate this, let’s consider the two sides of this matter in turn.
Firstly, As is well known that socializing（socialization） is the process for a human to turn from a little（an illiterate） creature into an fully defined individual, the society is exerting its（去掉） influence on its people all the time. Through school education, it instills (in) pupils’ mind with the knowledge it owns and the moral values it holds. In social activities it teaches people the proper way to take each other and the way to deal with difficult situations. Using mass media, like TV, newspaper, and Internet, etc., it encompass（imbue） people with its culture, or show people those currently happening in the world, drawing its people’s attention on what it concerns.（感觉上面的例子当中有几个和topic没多大的关系，你要说的是society define our behavior and thoughts ，可是中间的例子有几个说的是对人的帮助，这两个中间的联系不太紧密哦） In a word, society seems to try its best to put its composites’ minds and actions under its influence and shape them into what it values. But society in whole is not a real entity. Its affection on individuals can only be carried out by some special（specific） individuals（这段你主要说的是society influence one’s character and behavior。好像关于通过具体的人实现这个作用说得不太明确哦。）, such as teachers, popular stars, politics and so on.

On the other hand, one can always list out（去掉） some persons that have dramatically mould（influence） his personality. We can often hear that one man says that “My hero is my father, who has planted the seeds of braveness, righteousness, and love in my soul”, or a scientist says “I owe my success to my professor, for it is he that introduce to me the magical world of physics”. It’s true that these are individuals influenced us in an critical manner（are you sure ？用maybe比较好！）. But we should not forget that this professor is only one of many excellent physicists who are changing the way human looking the world, and this father shares with millions of people the most valuable human virtue. Whatever one person does or speaks, he is seldom the only one to do it, he is one of a certain group who share the same believe, and what effects he makes on others is a kind of social effect just as once happened on himself. （单复数好像有点乱）

And when trying to find more direct proof of social influences on individual, we can turn to M. Jordan, the most successful basketball player. Jordan said it was the high school team couch who left him out of the team for a year that became his motivation of making great efforts on the game, it was P. Jackson, the couch of Chicago Bulls who taught him how to win the championship, and it was all those basketball fans who gave him endless energy and courage to always play the best in the game yard . All these individuals helped Jordan to became the greatest player in history, and this can be taken as a best example that illustrates how the forces from all the society has contributed to the consummation of one individual. （你加这一段的目的是什么？是一个小让步还是递进。我感觉思路有点混乱，第二段你想说社会通过具体的人影响一个人的行为和性格，第三段你说得是small group对人的影响，这一段你又说社会影响个人。我是没有理清楚里面的逻辑关系啦。感觉你在第一段要把topic sentence写的更明确一点比较好。）

In conclusion, I’d like to say that individuals and the society can never be separated. It was his essence of sociality that first differed human from animals, and it is only human whose group has the attribute of sociality. And it is the individuals that stand for the whole society when executing the function of defining individuals（个人和社会的关系！！但是small group跑到哪里去了呢？你好像没说啊！）

写的很不错了，让我这个看文章的人汗颜了（如果让我写估计写得没你好啦）。文中有的词用的不算地道，注意用更贴切的词啦。

呵呵，好不容易找到一篇没人改的文章拿来改，说得不对的地方还忘大侠们指点啊。

onleyuUID: 135875

多谢指教!

木耳UID: 123036

luckyqja改的就已经很好了.
我在补充两点:既然两段是分开讲社会和个人的作用,那么两个主体段中的转折我认为不必要;因为这两段本身就构成了一个大的转折.其中再加转折,会显得混乱.