issue154

unique_dzUID: 142974

Education developing to today, having been undergoing once and once transformation, began to largely exert its great function and the overwhelming power in lightening the human beings’ way forward, and directing society moving on and on. Both people and the society as well, never stop benefiting from education, certainly, as a coherent integration, education should be justifiably concerned by forces from every aspect, especially the parents and communities, never leave this responsibility solely to some educators, and never absolutely shackle students with heavy fetters.

Since real education born to the world first day, it has been universally acknowledged by the public as an activity between teachers and students, accordingly, the small handful of professors' position is more and more elevated and touted. So to the students themselves, gradually create the knowledge and the original definition about what is the education. That is a community, or a small society, in which living together teachers, students, and all the faculty, everyday taking classes, doing homework, interacting face-to-face with teachers, enjoying fun with all the friends, and accepting what educators told----sometimes, bearing this conception deeply in people's mind, educators factually play a more significant role than the parents and other groups, moreover, spending much longer time in school than at home, at any public places. Thus, for a long age, the society believe and excessively depend on educators in cultivating students, as a result, students indeed quarry a great amount of knowledge, and form their own perspectives and value standards, establish the unique characteristic, and spark the creative thought, but meanwhile, narrowly confine themselves to the school, and over influenced by so few groups without miscellaneous views, and broad kens.

Nowadays, still in the school, especially universities, is leading a modern revolution in the academic realm, to expand education out of school, alternatively, connect students much more with communities and their parents, enriching their skills, while calling for all people's concentration on the highly-visible education. So as we all can feel and appreciate, in modern school, almost everyday we can discover the variation and difference than ever before, although some subtle changes. Do you find the teachers' theory not perfect? Just stand up to point and boldly express your own ideas. Do you find the curriculums are not satisfied your interest? Just apply for some additional courses whatever you want. Do you feel the circumstances are not comfortable? Just before your complaints exposing, the new buildings, the benign dormitory have already been set up. Whatever requirement you have, don't worry about that, in that everyone, including our parents and the whole society are cooperatively serve the students at the utmost and sponsor the educational construction wholeheartedly for the common purpose to create a perfect fully-developed educational ambience.

However, while we are enjoying the benefit and convenience of our education, some serious problems come into being, even do some detriments for our independently developing and creative thinking, under the excessive attention and constraint of our society. Seeing that, the society is paying highly concentration in fostering students' consummate knowledge and skills, accordingly, the generalists are more popular and welcome by the public, so students' assignments are much more heavier than ever before, shouldering the tasks from parent's wishes----to be famous scientists, sagacious businessmen, or outstanding politician, plus, society's requirement----contribute to the society as a whole, versatile in every field and holding a higher educational degree, consequently, what we do not expect have happened, some students cannot suffer from the horrible pressure both on physical bodies and the psychological activities, so presumptuous choose the extreme way leaving school, even worse, leaving the world forever.

Finally, although it is indispensable and important to encourage students to follow the intelligent professors, performing their abilities in school, it should be more underscored the parents and communities' influence. Without either, the education cannot be regarded as an intact integration, but never put too much burden on students, if so, there is another irredeemable loss to the human beings.

木耳UID: 123036

Education developing to today, having been undergoing once and once transformation, began to largely exert its great function and the overwhelming power in lightening the human beings’ way forward, and directing society moving on and on. (第一句太长了,而且读着别扭.)Both people and the society as well, never stop benefiting from education, certainly, as a coherent integration, education should be justifiably concerned by forces from every aspect, especially the parents and communities, never leave this responsibility solely to some educators, and never absolutely shackle students with heavy fetters.首段罗嗦.

Since real education born to the world first day, it has been universally acknowledged by the public as an activity between teachers and students, accordingly, the small handful of professors' position is more and more elevated and touted. So to the students themselves, gradually create the knowledge and the original definition about what is the education.(主语在哪里?) That is a community, or a small society, in which living together teachers, students, and all the faculty, everyday taking classes, doing homework, interacting face-to-face with teachers, enjoying fun with all the friends, and accepting what educators told----sometimes, bearing this conception deeply in people's mind, educators factually play a more significant role than the parents and other groups, moreover, spending much longer time in school than at home, at any public places.(好不容易找到句号了!这句太太太长了!是你从什么地方摘的还是自己编的?看着好晕啊!一定要再改一下.而且和你的主题好像关系不大.) Thus, for a long age,(age?) the society believe and excessively depend on educators in cultivating students, as a result, students indeed quarry a great amount of knowledge, and form their own perspectives and value standards, establish the unique characteristic, and spark the creative thought, but meanwhile, narrowly confine themselves to the school, and over influenced by so few groups without miscellaneous views, and broad kens.(慎用长句甚至超长句!不要想什么就写什么,先定主谓宾,再加修饰.这样写出来就算不地道,也很少会有语病.逻辑上也不太好.这段你好像要说教师的重要性,但前面好像说了好多无关紧要的话)

Nowadays, still in the school, especially universities,(前面是状语,谁leading?主语呢?如果school universities 做主语,就去掉 in) is leading a modern revolution in the academic realm, to expand education out of school, alternatively, connect students much more with communities and their parents, enriching their skills, while calling for all people's concentration on the highly-visible education. (又是超长句!第一,首句要简明扼要,说明主题;第二,这样的长句很难把握,出现错误是常事,你就又少了主语,)So as we all can feel and appreciate, in modern school, almost everyday we can discover the variation and difference than ever before, although some subtle changes. Do you find the teachers' theory not perfect? Just stand up to point and boldly express your own ideas. Do you find the curriculums are not satisfied your interest? Just apply for some additional courses whatever you want. Do you feel the circumstances are not comfortable? Just before your complaints exposing, the new buildings, the benign dormitory have already been set up. Whatever requirement you have, don't worry about that, in that everyone, including our parents and the whole society are cooperatively serve the students at the utmost and sponsor the educational construction wholeheartedly for the common purpose to create a perfect fully-developed educational ambience.
这段后面的超长句总算少了些,不过论据不能支持你的论点:社会和家长的作用.你只是说学校的教育改革如何如何,学生有更大的自主权.

However, while we are enjoying the benefit and convenience of our education, some serious problems come into being, even do some detriments for our independently developing and creative thinking, under the excessive attention and constraint of our society. Seeing that, the society is paying highly concentration in fostering students' consummate knowledge and skills, accordingly, the generalists are more popular and welcome by the public, so students' assignments are much more heavier than ever before, shouldering the tasks from parent's wishes----to be famous scientists, sagacious businessmen, or outstanding politician, plus, society's requirement----contribute to the society as a whole, versatile in every field and holding a higher educational degree, consequently, what we do not expect have happened, some students cannot suffer from the horrible pressure both on physical bodies and the psychological activities, so presumptuous choose the extreme way leaving school, even worse, leaving the world forever.

Finally, although it is indispensable and important to encourage students to follow the intelligent professors, performing their abilities in school, it should be more underscored the parents and communities' influence. Without either, the education cannot be regarded as an intact integration, but never put too much burden on students, if so, there is another irredeemable loss to the human beings.

就看三段吧,一会还有课,今天是一定要去的.
两点建议:
1 慎用长句.英语和中文的思维习惯不一样,对语法的要求很严格.如果用中文思维再直接用英文表达,是一定会挂的!一定要先定主谓宾.没把握就一路简单句,先让别人明白你的意思,不要又太多的语法错误再说别的.
2 逻辑要严谨.论据要能够支持论点.你的第一段写的乱,说明你写之前没很可能没有一个明确的思路想法;第二段答非所问,论据又选得不好.写任何一段,任何一句之前一定要想清楚.

不过也别急,虽然没几天了,不过集中突破一下还是会有不小进步的.
再次提醒:慎用长句甚至超长句,尤其是再每段开头!

unique_dzUID: 142974

谢谢指正， 我觉得你说得很有道理，我最近也发现了自己这个毛病，希望在这两天中能有所改进吧。