【独立写作】zhaoxiaoshuai的贴~~

zhaoxiaoshuaiUID: 3020532

为了激励自己，不再放松下去，一定要加油啊！！！不然这暑假太浪费了！！！

zhaoxiaoshuaiUID: 3020532

从今综合和独立我会放一个里面，方便些

zhaoxiaoshuaiUID: 3020532

欢迎拍砖。。。 8.6 -zhaoxiaoshuai.doc (26.5 KB, 下载次数: 11)

2012-8-6 22:56:36 上传

下载次数: 11

8.8 - zhaoxiaoshuai.doc (27 KB, 下载次数: 7)

2012-8-8 18:44:00 上传

下载次数: 7

wuxiang0220UID: 3354608

已改，相互交流

eileen73UID: 3256364

8.6已改，楼主过目哈

lazysheepUID: 2955322

8.6已改 8.6 -zhaoxiaoshuai——revised by lazysheep.doc (30 KB, 下载次数: 5)

2012-8-7 11:04:22 上传

下载次数: 5

ljmao2007UID: 3031354

对不起 原本是没参加8.5号的作文的 不知道怎么被分组了，所以迟来的评价 不好意思~

zhaoxiaoshuaiUID: 3020532

ljmao2007 发表于 2012-8-7 21:22
对不起 原本是没参加8.5号的作文的 不知道怎么被分组了，所以迟来的评价 不好意思~

哈，没关系的~你改得很好啊，评价得挺到位的，一眼就看透我弱点了哈~谢谢，一起加油

ljmao2007UID: 3031354

zhaoxiaoshuai 发表于 2012-8-8 10:15
哈，没关系的~你改得很好啊，评价得挺到位的，一眼就看透我弱点了哈~谢谢，一起加油

我看你挺牛的 口语那边也上传了文件呵呵 我比较差啦 不是谦虚 我托福才80啦 考的不好 可能有些不到位的 自己水平也没达到 呵呵 加油！

zhaoxiaoshuaiUID: 3020532

ljmao2007 发表于 2012-8-8 13:21
我看你挺牛的 口语那边也上传了文件呵呵 我比较差啦 不是谦虚 我托福才80啦 考的不好 可能有些不到位的 自 ...

其实还不能达到牛人境界啊。。。九十小几的分，平凡人一个，总之大家一起共同进步呗！

zhaoxiaoshuaiUID: 3020532

8.8 发现30分钟也不完啊，后来又花了好长时间写成这样。。。怎样能提高速度呢？

mpromanusUID: 2565872

zhaoxiaoshuai 发表于 2012-8-5 19:21
Romanus大神请批改~谢谢！
【题目】：The advices from our grandparents have no use for their grandchi ...

The advices from our grandparents have no use for their grandchildren because the world changed a lot during the past 50 years.

The recent fifty years witnessed a variety of considerable changes in every realm of life. There are never short of (You can only say things like 'we are never short of <something>', or 'there is never a shortage of…', but not 'there are never short of…'.) discussions and arguments when it comes to whether the advices from grandparents are useful for the grandchildren. (Yeah it's all very complicated, but what's YOUR opinion on the issue? In other words, I can't tell WHY you're writing this essay – are you trying to describe the complexity of the issue? Are you trying to present your opinion? Are you trying to predict the future? I can't tell because you didn't say.)

With the quickening pace of development of economy, technology and science, the today's world is not no longer the world of fifty years ago. a/the Communication revolution ensures us to connect with each other anytime and anywhere by mobile phones; medical technologies alleviate the sufferings and pains of patients and make them recover quickly; industry technologies improve the productivity and efficiency and free workers from heavy work; the technology in education makes the long-distance studying come true and provides more opportunities to get knowledge. Actually, numerous changes take place, and it is not easy for our grandparents to follow and understand.(WHY? What is it about grandparents that it must be difficult for them? If you don't give plausible reasons, you're in effect not justifying your arguments -> not persuasive.)

Accordingly, the puzzles about the ever-changing society make the grandparents misunderstand the thoughts and behaviours of their grandchildren. They cannot figure out why the children spend all day in the front of computers and seldom read books they recommend. They think it is incredible to take an hour of flight to a place where they needed almost a month to get to. They cannot (The negation of 'can' is 'cannot', no space between. 'can not' is an entirely different kind of negation.) imagine that people can buy everything on the Internet. Once, I told my grandfather that I was studying the online curriculums of Environmental Engineering, and he was surprised and said I thought you were just playing games on computers (If you are going to quote exactly what he said, you need to use quotation marks. Otherwise, you need to change the person pronouns i.e. '..said he thought I was just playing..'). There are a host of things out of their imagination. (Yes, but what does all this have to do with the quality of their advice? It's completely irrelevant if you don't make a relevant conclusion, since grandparents do not necessarily only advise you on the things 'out of their imagination'. Do not expect people to read between your lines – if you don't spell out your opinion, people are not obliged to agree on the conclusions you intend them to make, because your arguments are open. In other words, people do not necessarily 'get' that you meant to say 'because the grandparents don't understand these things, they can't possibly give good advice on such things' with this or the previous paragraph – you need to state the opinion.)

Nevertheless, the grandparents are able to provide some valuable advises based on their own experience. The traditional Chinese values, such as integrity, commitment, perseveration, respect and some others are permanent no matter how the world changes. So, it is necessary, even desirable, for the children to accept the advices from grandparents. Last year, I failed in the final exams and felt frustrated and depressed. My grandmother encouraged me to put the past behind and move on. She said only by consistent hard working can one succeed. My grandmother’s words provide me the courage and faith to move on.

To sum up, even though some advises from the grandparents are out of date to some degree, yet there are valuable experience from them worthy of listening.

总结：

结果我要读到最后一句话才知道你的观点到底是什么。。议论文要先立论才能议论，你每一段都没有论点，读者怎么知道你写了这么一大篇是为了说明神马。。不是每个人读了相同的论述都会得出相同的结论的，同样的论据可以用来说明很多种论点 – 鲁迅说《红楼梦》，‘单是命意，就因读者的眼光而有种种：经学家看见《易》，道学家看见淫，才子看见缠绵，革命家看见排满，流言家看见宫闱秘事’，就这个意思。所以论点要先立，才有论述可言，否则就只是罗列材料而已。[/purple]

yyj.1988UID: 3276909

8.8独立已修改！

zZ-ITUID: 3357899

不好意思改的晚了，请过目，多多交流~~~

ys757UID: 3351330

以改好 请楼主过目
https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mod=viewthread&tid=1403434
我交晚了  麻烦楼主帮改一下 谢谢了