4【独立写作】氢氟酸的作业贴

神探夏洛克UID: 3324487

9.15-HF-revised by夏洛克.doc (28.5 KB, 下载次数: 4)

2012-9-16 16:32:09 上传

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已经改好，加油！

喵呜~UID: 3339380

Talking about getting succeeded, it firstly concerns about the definition of the success. As we define success in different ways, the path leading to it differs a lot. Whether being different from others or not is a wise choice of the path to success varies （应用-ing形式differing）from case to case.
The first case is that when you chase for an outstanding career you should be more unlike to others. In a modern mass production era, our ordinary working performances are so replaceable and repeatable that performing different from others means making mistakes and possibly losing jobs. Outstanding working achievement would not be made under this kind of mood. Innovation, the key of （该为to）success in the modern society, means you need to act and think of the work in a different way from ordinary ones. We have the word "Blue Sea" in marketing theory which indicates the market in which there are not much competitors and(加入we are) 主语不一致easy to get more chances to win. In another saying, when we are different from others, we may get more chances and （加入be）more likely to succeed in career.
The other case is that when we treat a normal and simple life as a success, being different from others is not a wise choice. As I mentioned in the previous paragraph, behaving like others would authentically decrease the possibilities of making mistakes and taking minor risks. Inarguably, not a few people would rather treat a simple and easy life than a risky but special one as "successful". Therefore, being more like others is the best choice to(去掉) living a normal and simple life.  


All in all, the definition of success plays a crucial role of （该为in）deciding the (该为which)path to it. If you believe (加入in) outstanding career defines （该为defining） you successful, you need to be more unlikely to others. While if you make a simple and happy life your definition of success, then being more like others is an effective and low-risk choice of getting it.

神探夏洛克UID: 3324487

9.16 HF r by 夏洛克.doc (30 KB, 下载次数: 4)

2012-9-17 08:40:46 上传

下载次数: 4

修改好，有进步，加油！

行者天下UID: 2716370

Lz的句式用词好华丽，很多我都不熟悉，所以看了好几遍才看懂。加油！！！
只是一两个复数和时态一致性的问题，有的用词需要更加本土化一点，就好了~

PS，lz用的让步式写法不是在托福作文里的大忌吗？难道现在标准变了？
我等级太低，贴不了附件，直接上修改的啦~


I can hardly agree with the broad assertion that the world's most important problems today can be solved in our lifetime. We have faced the crucial problems in human world, such as poverty, hunger and war for several centuries since the start of the human civilization but they still exist. Therefore, from my point of view, we’d better believe that it is much more possible of alleviating them rather than completely eliminating in our lifetime.
Inarguably, the developed technologies in every aspects help improve the quality of our lives. Internet's widely spreading leads to fast and accurate communication so that wars caused by information mistaking vanish. The technique also improves the production of food for decreasing the population of hunger. The factory transported to the third world countries benefits their industries’ development to pull them out of poorness. To this extent, the world's most important problems are being solved indeed in every minute of our lifetime.

From the other side, we cannot ignore the fact that those approaches of solving problems are not so effective but may even provide more problems. Today, we still fight for religious belief（单数） differences and resources.[Belief difference是打仗的原因，resource是打仗的目的，不太适合都放在fight for 后面，] The developed technologies play merely valuable[用词不够准确，感觉] role under these circumstances. When the decreasing population of the poverty and hunger is compared to（compare sth to sth） the whole population, it is hardly making any sense to solve the problem. Furthermore, with the high-tech weapons, war's destructive power increases tremendously. A large part in the surprisingly increment of the big countries' global profits equals what they deprive from the poor ones. For instance, they built factories and utilize the local cheap labors and resources without protection and compensation, which destructively worsen the local situations. Moreover, this kind of results may intensify the contradiction of the two poles of the world and bring about more wars. It is not difficult to figure out that those approach brings us not only shallow benefits, but more serious problems.

As the time is limited, the demonstration of my opinion is short and hasty.
However, I still believe that (去掉了what) the most important problems at present can only be alleviated instead of totally solved because the present effective approaches deal with it exteriorly but the core of these problems will always exist within the human civilization.

氢氟酸UID: 2579195

行者天下 发表于 2012-9-17 10:48
Lz的句式用词好华丽，很多我都不熟悉，所以看了好几遍才看懂。加油！！！
只是一两个复数和时态一致性的问 ...

多谢修改啦！！什么大忌？快快快告诉我~~~

行者天下UID: 2716370

就是最好写成三段都支持的形式，不要让步，先说好，再说不好

行者天下UID: 2716370

已修改，请查收！javascript:;

bangkelinUID: 3007242

亲，我积分不到加附件，不好意思哈:D
Your job has greater happiness than you social life.  
I hold an opposite opinion about the topic that job brings us more happiness than social life does. The reason why I disagree lies in the following aspects.

First and foremost, social life makes people relax. Different from jobs, social life does not have boring rules. You can choose the time schedule for dating with friends all by your own rather than obeying what the supervisors told you. Moreover, there comes rarely pressure within social life comparing to the handling work. During talking in your social life, you have not to worry about making mistakes and even if you made one it is forgivable. While working, only one mistake may tremendously affect your future career.  In one word, social life pulls people out of pressure and makes them feel at ease.
What's more, you can meet more interesting people within social life. (我认为这里的interesting更多的指志同道合，建议加一个同位从句解释一些)Take my friend Alex for an example, he occasionally met his wife on a party and fell in love with her at the first sight. Another case is my cousin Judy, she went to a concert and made her best friend there since they love the same singer. The two examples reflect the fact that the social life is the best （best 是不是有点武断？建议用如efficient/successful等） way for gathering people for the close interests and familiar habits. While when your colleagues cannot walk on the same lane with you during the cooperation, your job becomes annoying. Thus, knowing interesting friends definitely wins working with boring colleagues.
Admittedly, working is a direct approach to prove one's personal ability and value. Job brings not only pressure but also success in one’s career sometime. Acquiring a successful achievement on working undoubtedly provide happiness as well. Furthermore, if your job coincides with your interests, you will surely enjoy your working with interesting colleagues. However, this happy working condition occurs at very low rate.  however 后面如果加上与social life 的比较，以证明jobs在一到两个方面不如social life更好

In sum, working occasionally brings some degree of happiness when you achieve a success or your interest is the same as your work. However, what social life never fails to bring to you are relaxing entertainments and more chances of meeting interesting people.
佩服楼主啊，每段的论证都很有逻辑而且多样化，30分钟写的语法错误这么少。建议楼主可以在开头段将主体段的topic sentence总结一下，加强总分总的结构。

bangkelinUID: 3007242

亲，我的，结尾没时间写了，看主体吧，谢谢！
https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mo ... 242693pid1776242693

天然呆..UID: 3375610

9月18日作文改.
第一次改作文... 改的不好求意见...
一起加油吧!~

text 10 0918.doc (29.5 KB, 下载次数: 10)

2012-9-19 11:22:43 上传

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氢氟酸UID: 2579195

天然呆.. 发表于 2012-9-19 11:23
9月18日作文改.
第一次改作文... 改的不好求意见...
一起加油吧!~

改得很细致！多谢！没有例子的问题写完我也意识到了！昨天确实写得有点赶~~多谢^^

SYNCIAUID: 3130718

text 11 0919 Revised by Syncia.doc (34.5 KB, 下载次数: 5)

2012-9-20 21:48:50 上传

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【Daily writing 8.16】By Syncia.doc (24 KB, 下载次数: 7)

2012-9-20 21:49:17 上传

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已修改。 这是我当时写的，供参考。 :)

wp3026557UID: 3252971

抱歉。楼主，找不到你的918作文了。。。。 钱两天比较忙，没时间给你改

氢氟酸UID: 2579195

SYNCIA 发表于 2012-9-20 21:49
已修改。 这是我当时写的，供参考。

多谢啦！辛苦你了！参考文章也很赞！:D

坏绿的眼睛UID: 3138294

改好啦  欢迎交流看法