issue151，科技类，我的第四篇

lemonlikeUID: 139588

Issue 151 科技类
“High-speed electronic communications media, such as electronic mail and television, tend to prevent meaningful and thoughtful communication.”

1、开头，提出观点，以下针对电子邮件展开论证
2、与传统交流方式相比，电子邮件的优越性；
3、人们过于依赖电子邮件，缺乏面对面的直接交流；
4、电子邮件是一种非语言的交流方式，容易造成误解；此外，缺乏正式性、安全性和思想深度；
5、结尾

No invention has been so quickly widespread accepted by all over the world as the high-speed electronic communications media, such as electronic mail and television. Today when we are enjoying the convenience and high efficiency that the new communications media bring to us, we cannot help wondering if we are length by length losing in the electronic world. Here I would like to deal with this issue in the specific aspect of the electronic mail.

In comparison with the traditional communication ways, it is obvious that today’s new electronic communications media have brought us a great of advantages, such as high efficiency, economy and convenience, etc. Taking the letter delivery service as an example, in the past time it is usually took us several day, even longer time, to seed a letter from one place to another within the nation wide. While in the present all we need to do is just to prepare our mails which we want to send to another by computer and then to push a few buttons to have them sent out. It not only saves us a lot of time, but also saves our money for we need no more to pay for the stamps and the delivery service.

However, today when we are wild about the using of the electronic mail, we should give a little time to brood over such new e-mail revolution, which is enslaving all those employees it was supposed to set free, creating the new communication problems which cannot been found even in any page of the current books. For instance, once a report said, “it is a disaster, a disaster of electronic revolution, as a manager, I was getting 200 even more e-mails per day. People were so fond of it that they weren’t like to talking to each other any more.” It is true, people in the present world seem all dormant, just email people even in the next room. This new electronic communications media are abusing by them, as a result, people more and more lack of face-to-face communication, lack of directness of exchanging opinions.

On the other hand, after all, the electronic mail is a form of non-verbal communication, so it can easily be misinterpreted. Moreover, on some specific occasions, this kind of new electronic communication method is not as competent as the traditional ways, to some degree, lack of formality, secrecy and depth in thought. Therefore, many important communications, such as business contracts, law suits, invitations for large meetings and government files, are finalized in writing instead of the convenient electronic mail, both in business and official fields.

To sum up, while we enjoy that high-speed communications media is a wonderful invention, we should not completely depend on it or even use it instead of our traditional communication ways, such as manuscript letters and face-to-face communication, since only by them people can convey the most meaningful and thoughtful emotion.

imongUID: 140258

Lemon:
抱歉啦，今天刚刚考完sub回来，下午还要出去买衣服买鞋（今天差点穿雨鞋去考试……没鞋穿了……），现在没法给你看了。晚上回来如果还有时间一定给你看的，好吗？

lemonlikeUID: 139588

呵呵，不着急
考完了可以大大happy一下了
祝考试顺利！～～

imongUID: 140258

Issue 151 科技类
“High-speed electronic communications media, such as electronic mail and television, tend to prevent meaningful and thoughtful communication.”

1、开头，提出观点，以下针对电子邮件展开论证
2、与传统交流方式相比，电子邮件的优越性；
3、人们过于依赖电子邮件，缺乏面对面的直接交流；
4、电子邮件是一种非语言的交流方式，容易造成误解；此外，缺乏正式性、安全性和思想深度；
5、结尾

No invention has been so quickly widespread accepted by all over the world (by all over the world 有错) as the high-speed electronic communications media, such as (such as 多余) electronic mail and television. Today when we are enjoying the convenience and high efficiency that the new communications media bring to us, we cannot help wondering if we are length by length losing （lose what?） in the electronic world. Here I would like to deal with this issue in the specific aspect of (of?) the electronic mail. 一般来说，如果人家在题目中提到了细节条目（在这里列举的是television和instant mail），以前大家都倾向于往综合性上写，如果放下来的话也要提及绝大多数。如果单独论证一个角度，不知道是否可行。但是我没有证据可以否定这种写法。明白了？我只是把情况介绍一下。

In comparison with the traditional communication ways（这样的用法似乎并不多，不过并没有错，建议ways of communication）, it is obvious that today’s new electronic communications media have brought us a great (少了一个number/deal？) of advantages, such as high efficiency, economy（这里恐怕不合适，参见M-W关于economy的解释，本身就已经使efficient use了，和前面的high efficiency摆在一起就很不舒服） and convenience, etc. Taking the letter delivery service as an example, in the past time（in the past足够，time省掉） it is usually took us several day（语法错误！而且it指代不够明确，应该具体一点）, even longer time, to seed（seed? Send?） a letter from one place to another（这个表述很累赘） within the nation wide(within the nationwide不通，你想表达什么？). While in the present all we need to do is just to prepare our mails which（that，这里似乎不能用which） we want to send to another(another what? Or others?) by computer and then to push(press) a few buttons to have them sent out. It not only saves (Not only does it save) us a lot of time, but also saves our money for we need no more (need no more?) to pay for the stamps and the delivery service.

However, today when we are（这里用点being或者换个动词比较符合语境） wild about the using（use）of the electronic mail, we should give a little time to brood over such new e-mail revolution (new email revolution里面好像有多余的成分，仔细想想你要表达什么), which is enslaving all those employees it was supposed to set free, creating the new communication problems which cannot been found even in any page of the current books. For instance, once a report said（a report has once said）, “it is a disaster, a disaster of(如果是electronic revolution造成的disaster那么显然of不是正确的介词) electronic revolution, as a manager, I was getting 200 even more（200 even more ->more than 200） e-mails per day. People were so fond of it that they weren’t like (were not like基础语法错误) to talking to each other any more.” It is true, people in the present world seem all dormant, just email people even in the next room.（这句话表达的不是很好，虽然想尝试形象的写法。） This new electronic communications media are abusing（abused?）by them, (这里写逗号是不规范的，如果一个句子表达完了必须是句号或者分号，要不然用and把前后连起来) as a result, people more and more lack of face-to-face communication, lack of directness of exchanging opinions.（后半句的动词呢？lack作动词的时候不用of，而且more and more不是正确的修饰）

On the other hand, after all, the electronic mail is a form of（似乎不合适，a kind of/ take the form of）non-verbal communication, so(这里用so就失策了，直接and can easily be misinterpreted不就完了，和前面共用一个主语，还显得紧凑) it can easily be misinterpreted. Moreover, on some specific occasions, this kind of new electronic（似乎对本题而言，new和electronic不必同时使用的，有赘余之嫌） communication method is not as competent as the traditional ways, （前后没有连接？后边连分句都不能构成的，补足成分！）to some degree, lack of formality, secrecy and depth in thought. Therefore, many important communications, such as business contracts, law suits,（看看，前后是平行指代吗？business contract is one kind of important communication? I think it should be that “MAKING business contracts is an occasion that require delicate(?) communication”，be sure to distinguish such difference） invitations for large meetings and government files, are finalized in writing（written documents） instead of the convenient electronic mail, both in business and official fields.

To sum up, while we enjoy that high-speed communications media is (is? Or as?) a wonderful invention（已经不止一次犯这种一个句子2个verb的错误了,引以为戒！）we should not completely depend on it or even use it instead of （与其写use it instead of 直接replace不就完了，当然语序还要调一下）our traditional communication ways, such as manuscript letters（写成manuscript letter似乎都是表示非常重要的文件，如果说一般的书信还是不要把两个词这样用） and face-to-face communication, since only by them people can convey the most meaningful and thoughtful emotion.

这一片我改得相当仔细，我也从中收集到了很多有用的信息，谢谢！
1．仔细阅读修改意见，好好想一想为什么会犯那些基础语法错误
2．这篇文章还有一个败笔就是感觉上没有论点似的，很多句子与其说是在论述还不如说是在叙述，我觉得你行文的组织上可能使问题所在。写了半天但是和原题的联系不强，结果感觉就是说了一大堆也没看出来你的观点，因为你present出来的观点可能不太relevant to the issue. 我个人的一些看法。

lemonlikeUID: 139588

呵呵，十分感谢imong的详细点评，很受用
1．从你的修改中我找到了自己一个很薄弱的环节，基础语法掌握的不够扎实，很多东西也不是不知道，就是行文过程中忘记了，看来下次写issue的提起十二分的精神，免得在犯这样的低级错误
2．本打算根据你的点评好好修改一下，不过我觉得没有很大意义，不如重新写过，这篇文章致命的问题在于跑题了，没有围绕meaningful and thoughtful communication展开，而是简单的比较了electronic communications media和传统方式的优与劣，而这与出题人的意图不符
3．行文不少地方很拖沓，这个我在写的过程中也感觉到了，本意是想尽量往GRE作文对句式复杂程度的要求上靠，可是效果却适得其反
4．就是开篇你提到的问题，如果人家在题目中提到了细节条目，究竟是应该往综合性上写，还是可以单独论证一个角度，我仔细考虑了一下，两种情况，如果对论题是驳斥的话，我认为就其一点展开论证，完全可以达到驳倒对方的目的。而我在文中的立场是electronic communications media某种程度上阻碍了meaningful and thoughtful communication，也就是部分赞同，这样写可能有些不妥。

lemonlikeUID: 139588

imong评的很仔细，非常感谢～～

genie05UID: 30358

Issue 151 科技类
“High-speed electronic communications media, such as electronic mail and television, tend to prevent meaningful and thoughtful communication.”

1、开头，提出观点，以下针对电子邮件展开论证
2、与传统交流方式相比，电子邮件的优越性；
3、人们过于依赖电子邮件，缺乏面对面的直接交流；
4、电子邮件是一种非语言的交流方式，容易造成误解；此外，缺乏正式性、安全性和思想深度；
5、结尾

No invention has been so quickly widespread accepted by all over the world(?语法） as the high-speed electronic communications media, such as electronic mail and television. Today when we are enjoying the convenience and high efficiency that the new communications media bring to us, we cannot help wondering if we are length by length losing in the electronic world. Here I would like to deal with this issue in the specific aspect of the electronic mail.（我不是很赞成在文章里使用“WE“，其一 ：一般说来如果使用的话，在大多数情况下会习惯性的反复使用，数量过多，特别是在一个句子中。比如你的这个文章1段3个，2段3个，3段2个，5段2个。会有重复罗嗦的感觉。其二：就是使用WE会有不够客观严谨的感觉，毕竟阅卷人从文化层次背景等许多方法都和你有比较大的区别。就算要使用也应该避免过多， Today when we are（这个其实可以去掉） enjoying the convenience and high efficiency that the new communications media bring to us, we cannot help wondering if we are length by length losing in the electronic world.）

In comparison with the traditional communication ways, it is obvious that today’s new electronic communications media have brought us a great of ？有这个搭配吗？没有印象了，只记得a great deal 了）advantages, such as high efficiency, economy and convenience, etc. Taking the letter delivery service as an example, in the past time it is usually took us several day, （加or ）even longer time(time 可以去), to seed （SEND）a letter from one place to another within the nation wide. While in the present （AT PRESENT 吗？只有IN THE PRESENT OF 吧）all we need to do is just to prepare our mails which we want to send to another by computer and then to push a few buttons to have them sent out.（you may express it in this way: However, at present, after clicking the mouse, the mail could reach anyone you want in a few minutes. Just do a few changes, do not always use the sentence like s+v+o, boring）  It not only saves us a lot of time, but also saves our money for we need no more to pay for the stamps and the delivery service.(how about: no more cost of stamps and the delivery service is needed. or: all the costs used to be essential for snail mail, like costs of stamps and delivery service, are avoided. )
考虑一下如何来变化句子，使多样化。S+V+O太过于单调了。某些词语的搭配应该多斟酌，比如 IN THE PRESENT，我印象中没有这个表达。还有就是WORD检查不出的拼写错误也要当心，自己在检查时可能这种不明显的拼写错误也会忽略SENG=>SEED。说理的力度稍显不足。可以自己适当扩充例子。

However, today when we are wild about the using of the electronic mail, we should give a little time to brood over such new e-mail revolution, which is enslaving all those employees it was supposed to set free, creating the new communication problems which cannot been found even in any page of the current books.（写长句是好的，但是此句表达的不够地道。还有“current books”和‘books”在表达上有什么实质区别，或者说强调current对这段的内容有帮助吗？没有就不要罗嗦。最好能把你这里的THE PROBLEMS明确的指出是什么！） For instance, once a report said, （如果引用别人的话建议加上and I paraphrase用括号括起写在引用内容之前）“it is a disaster, a disaster of electronic revolution, as a manager, I was getting 200 even more e-mails per day. People were so fond of it that they weren’t like to talking to each other any more.” It is true, people in the present（？） world seem all dormant, just email people even in the next room（是所有的人都EMAIL自己的NEIGHBOUR吗，如果不是那么希望可以该成比较准确的表达）. This new electronic communications media are abusing （去掉by them）, as a result, people more and more lack of face-to-face communication, lack of directness of exchanging opinions.

On the other hand, after all, the electronic mail is a form of non-verbal communication, so it can easily be misinterpreted. Moreover, on some specific occasions, this kind of new electronic communication method is not as competent as the traditional ways, to some degree, lack of formality, secrecy and depth in thought. Therefore, many important communications, such as business contracts, law suits, invitations for large meetings and government files, are finalized in writing instead of the convenient electronic mail, both in business and official fields.（从你开头的中文提纲来看，以及从这个TOPIC的论点来看本段讨论的内容是一个重点，但是这段很明显非常没有说服力。480多字的文章要得高分的可能性不是太高，在这种情况下写将某个段落写的如此简短是很不智的。文中提出的点都不错，但是需要你的论证）

To sum up, while we enjoy that high-speed communications media is a wonderful invention（语法）, we should not completely depend on it or even use it instead of our traditional communication ways, such as manuscript letters and face-to-face communication, since only by them people can convey the most（严谨。More就可以了） meaningful and thoughtful emotion. 结尾不够有力。

关于MAIL的好处，时间和金钱等都是很容易想到的。其实可以更深层次的发挥，比如更加快捷频繁的联系使得人们之间缩短了距离，无论是实际意义上的距离或者是心灵上的。使人们更加亲密。当然看你文章论述的侧重点而论是否需要讨论这些，这段只是是对这个题目不是对你的文章而言的。


整个文章而言不错，但是说服力有点欠缺，论点和例子过去COMMON，没有出彩的地方。当然这和题目本身也有关系就是了。但是本文论点的侧重不明确，虽然说先说优点再转折是不错，但从整个来看，没有突出后面也就是文章重点的论述，有一点点虎头蛇尾。还有就是注意语法和用词，在某个意义上来说过于罗嗦。

bjzhj_2000UID: 144606

你可真够猛地以下发表了这麽多文章

lemonlikeUID: 139588

呵呵，这个月底就要考了
现在还写的这么差，不抓紧点怎么成
每天两篇issue，挑一片自己觉得问题比较大的贴上来
从别人的点评里可以找到很多自己发现不了的问题啊