求Romanus帮忙的作文修改铺

mpromanusUID: 2565872

a31k611777 发表于 2012-11-14 05:12
如果老师看不到，我在这里给你贴一下Do you agree or disagree with the statements: parents are the best ...

Do you agree or disagree with the statement: parents are the best teachers.

Nowadays, more and more people concern about the affects of people around (1. 'affect' is a verb; 'effect' is the noun; 2. even if this is indeed 'the effects of people around', the phrase still doesn't make much sense – 'effect' is such a vague word that you need to explain it a lot sometimes. If you find yourself often thinking ONLY in very generic terms such as 'things', 'effects', 'ways', 'methods', 'people', you need to do some work on themed vocabulary building – for example, the words that refer to different categories of 'people'.). So, the topic of who are the best teachers has become very controversial (Since I didn't really get what the first sentence means, I don't get why there is a 'so' relationship between that and this sentence either.). Indeed, everyone may have his or her own reasons, for his or her preferences. For me, among all people around you (You started the sentence with the 1st person 'me', and abruptly changed to 2nd person 'you', and back again. This creates unnecessary confusion. What you meant is probably more like 'For me, among all people around oneself, ..'. Even in Chinese, 对我来说，你周围的人中我觉得。。would be a rather odd sentence, picking out the reader as 'you' and contrasting it with 'I', as if the reader is of special importance where there is actually none.), I think, parents are the best teachers.

Firstly, compared with other people, parents can share the more personal experience (If you use 'the', this needs to be specified as to whose 'more personal experience' this refers to. Also, this is ambiguous between '[more personal] experience', with 'more' indicating a degree of quality, and 'more [personal experience]', with 'more' indicating a degree of quantity. Although, judging from the rest of the paragraph, it is probably the 2nd interpretation that you meant..), which is very important in your growth. Personal experiences are the most useful experiences. Because it is (The previous sentence is in the plural. Here the pronoun is in the singular – please be consistent.) the true experience, not the knowledge in books, so, it does really work in reality (I would probably argue you that not all experiences work in reality, and certainly knowledge in books does work in reality too, but that's going too far beyond what TOEFL would require..). My parents told me a lot of their personal experiences, which helped me a lot in my growth. When I have the memory (This is not the proper translation of 我有记忆的时候..stick to simple sentences like 'When I was about 3 years old', because, in fact, specifying that this was when you started to be able to remember things is trivial. This piece of detail isn't really relevant or very helpful for your discussion.), about 3 years old, they always told me not to believe in free lunch. Years after, when I was 1 20 (Probably a typo.) years old, I came across a man at a train station(If you say 'THE train station', it means the one specific, particular station that you've mentioned before. You didn't mention any train station, so you use the indefinite article 'a'.), who wanted (You started this sentence in the past tense. You stay in the past tense as long as you're still talking about the same event.) to exchange the phone with me by an iPhone 4 (The meaning of this part is unclear, primarily because I don't know whose phone 'the phone' refers to. It's only after I read this twice that I guessed you probably meant something like '..to exchange the phone I was carrying with me by an iPhone 4'.). Faced with (Or 'facing the best..'. You 'face' something and are 'faced with' something.) the best phone ever in the world (I'm sure iPhone 8 would be a lot better, and it won't be too long before Apple announces it. And of course, if your examiner happens to be an Apple-hater..my point is that such an absolute, sweeping statement is not necessary. You're probably trying to stress the fact that this was a very very, VERY, good deal, but too much exaggeration is unnecessary because the whole point you need to actually get across is just that this is a free lunch. It doesn't necessarily need to be the best deal in the universe for it to be reasonably enticing. Trying too hard to justify its goodness would only undermine the effectiveness of your example. Keep yourself safe with some degree of reservation like '..probably the best phone at the time..'), I was hesitated (You can 'hesitate', but you cannot 'be hesitated'.). However, as I reminded (You probably meant 'remembered'. If you insist on using 'remind', then it should be 'as I reminded myself of..'.) the words of my parents - there is no free lunch in the world – [colo=sienna](You can't stuff a sentence into the middle of others with just commas, even it is a direct quotation. Either use hyphens, or '..words of my parents, that there is no free lunch.., I rejected him'.) I rejected him. And, just 3 days later, I saw that man again, on the news. It was reported that he is a cheater. So, my parents' experience really helped me.(Indeed. But this piece of advice could be given to you by anybody – a respected teacher at school, for example. You didn't illustrate why parents have the opportunity to share more of their experiences with their children. You didn't compare the effectiveness of parents' personal experiences with similar experiences from other people. This question is in essence a comparison – '..the best teachers', and you need to address that with a certain degree of awareness that there are other teachers but they are not as good as parents. Now, TOEFL doesn't have a very strict requirement on this, but keep in mind that in serious argumentative writings you'll need to address the comparison.)

Meanwhile, parents can teach what you need. Your parents stay with you since you were born. So, with so many years' communication, they do really know what you lack. My parents always give me some advices when I need. When I was in senior high, hill-like homework and almost no sleeping time ('No sleeping time drove me mad' does not mean 'lack of sleeping time drove me mad', but 'any sleeping time can't drive me mad', because the peculiar way negation works in English..) totally drove me into crazy. However, I cannot stop studying, because I still have some problems in math, and in China, it is the most important thing for every Chinese to have a high score in the College Entrance Examination. But my parents told me to stop studying and have a 3 days’ rest. So I did as they said. To my surprise, I did not do badly in that test. Instead, I got a high score, higher than ever. (1. I don't see how this point is different from the previous one: in both cases you parents gave you very useful advice; 2. Again, such advice can be given by any good teacher. I can't see why you seem to assume that only parents are allowed or have the capacity to give their children such advice.)

Furthermore, parents can teach you in patience. Parents are the most intimate people in your life: compared with other people, they love you more. So, they will teach you with more patience. This is true for most people. In my past 22 years, my parents always teach a lot no matter how much of a bad emotion I was in, like angry, sad.(This additional part after 'I was in' is not a proper clause.)

However, it is true that sometimes friends can also be a better teacher when you have problems in your girlfriends (I find the use of a plural 'girlfriendS' here most interesting..but that's not the point. The point is, if you want to mention alternatives, like you want to 让步, do it properly. You need to refute or counter the opposing argument or alternative and explain why is your point more valid/stronger. A mere mention of an alternative opinion without proper refutation is only going to weaken your own argument.). To sum up, based on a carefully consideration, I think parents are the best teachers.

总结：

你的词汇和基本的语法（单复，时态，词性）需要提高，句法的情况比较好点，虽然对比较复杂的从句没有太好的掌握，但是对付托福够用。。论述上是典型的比较题写成描述题，虽然托福对这个问题要求非常不高，但是就算只有在让步里比，也至少不能完全对让步的那点无视。。另外虎头蛇尾的现象比较严重，请注意时间分配。。其他关于论述上的严谨程度的那些评语可以暂时先不必考虑。。