[ETS清洁工]独立作文贴

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已改
我的也别忘了呦

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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement:
People holding different views cannot achieve success as a team.

Is it possible that a group of people with different ideas can make succeed ('succeed' is already a verb, so you don't need to 'make' succeed. You just 'succeed'.)? Some think these people ('persons' is an acceptable plural form of 'person' but it has a rather special connotation and use. I'd suggest to just stick with 'people'.) will taste failure at the end, because of the erupting conflicts among them, while others advocate that victory will finally come to these teams. Given the choice, I side with the latter.

Objectively, it (What is this 'it' referring to here?) cannot avoid some quarrels (If you use 'some', it actually implies that they 'cannot avoid some quarrels but can avoid some others'.) , when people insisting on various opinions work together, which will, to some extent, prevent the team from being successful.(I'm not sure if you are using 'it' as a 形式主语 like the 'it' in 'It is hard to do this job.' because you can't use a 形式主语 for 'cannot avoid quarrels', which actually has a definite subject that is 'people'. Again, if you're not sure how a certain 'high-level' grammar construct works, keep to simpler, straight-forward sentences and sentence orders, e.g. 'when people insisting on..work together, they cannot avoid quarrels, which will..', rather than trying to force your language. Not to say that your use of all these clauses is already complex enough as far as TOEFL standards go..) The conflicts will lead to bad attitudes toward each other in a group. As a consequence, the hearts of teammates cannot twist together to fight for their victory. (There are two issues with your vocabulary here: 1. Hearts don't 'twist' together as far as English is concerned. It is a direct translation from Chinese which happens to have no equivalent in English. In English people talk about joining efforts and team rapport, not twisting their hearts together; 2. 'Victory' is used in contexts where you have an enemy to defeat, like in a battle, a war, or a personal struggle with a disease. A project team, on the other hand, generally talks about goals, achievements and accomplishments, not 'victory', unless perhaps when the team is trying to crush a competitor..) They will stop helping others, mentioning good ideas, let alone encouraging each other, when they work as a team. What a negative result it is! It all counts to the team members holding different views. (I'm confused as to what the purpose of this paragraph is. Your stand on the issue in question seems to be that you think people with different opinions can succeed as a team, but here you keep talking about how people with different opinions make a very dysfunctional team – if you meant this paragraph to be a 让步, state clearly this is what you're doing at the beginning of this paragraph. Otherwise your reader will be very confused as to why you're suddenly on 'the other side'.)

Despite the disadvantage of groups which consist of mankind (This is a generic term for 'human beings'. It doesn't mean the same thing as 'people' and is used differently. Don't get too obsessed with varying your vocabulary because some words just don't have many synonyms. 'people' is one of them. The gist of 同义词替换 in actual use, is to find another word that doesn't necessarily mean exactly the same thing in a dictionary but refer appropriately to the same thing in your context, e.g. 'members', which are people belonging to a group, rather than trying to just find a synonym of 'people'  as given in a dictionary, which might be inappropriate for the context.) with all kinds of opinions, it is outweighed by the benefits of these groups. The more suggestions the better, because the best one can be chosen from them, which is beneficial to acquiring success in their work of endeavor. That a variety of ideas are in a group means there are times of comparison and consideration, before the idea fitting for the task or problems most comes out. If teammates repeat these actions, when they face obstacles, success is not far from them.

Moreover, advantages of every different opinion can be compiled to become a perfect idea for the team to execute. Hardly does any view puts everything into account. There will be shortages (This doesn't mean the same thing as 'deficiencies', and as it happens what you want to express here is actually 'deficiencies', not 'shortages'. Again, this is the sort of thing that happens if you only think about synonyms as defined by a dictionary.) in opinions more or less. But sometimes, the different opinions will be compensation for ('compensate' is already a verb so just 'will compensate each other' will do. Use verbs instead of nouns when you can. They make your sentences shorter and easier to read.) each other and will counteract the side effects that some other suggestions bring. Therefore a much better and convincing viewpoint will be born, based on a variety of ideas that group members hold. When this modified idea comes to realization, teammates will embrace the victory.

Taking into account all factors, I deem that the groups which are made up with people insisting on different opinions will enjoy the fabulous achievement that these opinions bring, because people can choose the best one among these ideas as well as to come out with a perfect one after referring to all the various viewpoints. I think most of people are on my side and suggest companies to support this kind of teams.(This is rather uncalled for. Whether other people agree with your opinion or not doesn't have any bearing on the validity of your point.)

总结：

论述上没有太大问题了，主要的问题是你第二段就开始让步但是我一直要到第三段才明白原来你第二段是在让步。。让步请在一开始就告知否则你的读者会奇怪你为什么说了自己是正方结果一下又突然跑去给反方讲话。。另外就是同义词的替换，应该是替换成根据上下文的意思来看是同义的词，而不是单纯在字典里是同义的词。context对词用很重要。

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谢谢老师指点！mankind  因为昨天看到一句enable mankind to do sth在作文中，而且在修改版本中竟然还留着。所以我就现学现卖了。对于第二段那个让步，除了开头用Admittedly之外，我用Objectively也行吧？参考书是这么教的。还有我想问老师，像我这种没有任何例子的文章会在tofel考试中是否可行？

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mpromanus 发表于 2012-12-28 09:09
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement:
People holding different views cannot achiev ...

谢谢老师指点！mankind  因为昨天看到一句enable mankind to do sth在作文中，而且在修改版本中竟然还留着，所以我就现学现卖了。对于第二段那个让步，除了开头用Admittedly之外，我用Objectively也行吧？参考书是这么教的。还有我想问老师，像我这种没有任何例子的文章会在tofel考试中是否可行？

frozensmileUID: 3362752

shancheUID: 3386780

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请问我还欠你作文么？？？有点记不清了哈

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月明日暗 发表于 2012-12-28 22:41
请问我还欠你作文么？？？有点记不清了哈

我也不太清楚，27的作文咱们一组，你改了？ 我24 没人改，若不耽误你太多，你可以看一下。  

月明日暗UID: 3400027

12.27

月明日暗UID: 3400027

好的~我看一下哈。

月明日暗UID: 3400027

12.24好了。你看下哈

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月明日暗 发表于 2012-12-30 23:30
12.24好了。你看下哈

嗯 谢谢你~新年快乐

月明日暗UID: 3400027

新年快乐亲~~不过有时间还是把31号的作文写了吧~~等着你互改呢哈。

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月明日暗 发表于 2013-1-2 23:17
新年快乐亲~~不过有时间还是把31号的作文写了吧~~等着你互改呢哈。

惭愧！！！ 偷懒了。 一定改！！！