战战兢兢的独立写作....请批改~

mpromanusUID：2565872

叶子123 发表于 2013-2-26 06:56
我又来骚扰了~ 请批改，谢谢大神！

People who cannot accept the criticism from others will not be successful at working in a group.

As is known to all, no man is born to be perfect and everyone will surely make mistakes. If he cannot accept the criticism from others, then he will get no development, not to mention achieving success in a group. So from my perspective, people should accept others' criticism to grow and to be successful in a group.

Admittedly, people will make mistakes from time to time. What if a man sticks to his own wrong ideas regardless of others' criticism? For himself, he will make no progress and even mislead himself in a wrong way. Take my uncle's experience for an example. When my uncle and his classmates graduated from their university, they started a small company together to chase their dream (This is one of those lofty expressions that really irk me. It's so annoyingly vague and seldom relevant, exactly because it is so vague. Now, ). One of his classmates Tim, dreaming of exploring a shortcut to being wealthy, proposed that they could bribe the officers who were responsible for testing the quality of the products to cheat consumers by reducing the amount? quality? necessary ingredients (This huge sentence has the following actions: 1. a proposal of bribery to QA (Quality Assurance) people; 2. cheating customers..and the following people: 1. they, presumably your uncle et. al.; 2. the QA people. Who is doing what? From the way you've piled everything together, I read 'Tim suggested the team to bribe QA so QA would cheat customers by doing something to the ingredients'. But that cheating bit is not a QA's job – I don't mean because it's illegal. It's just that even if a company does this kind of cheating, it won't be the QA who does it, since it can only be done at the manufacturing level, which is pre-QA. So my point is, I kind of understand what you're trying to say but what you manage to actually express is really confusing, because you're trying to do too much with one sentence.). Other team members strongly disagreed with this idea due to their conscience and the brand's reputation (If you just started a company, you'd probably have little 'brand reputation'..and once again I would make a personal comment: I find it extremely interesting that Chinese students I've seen, almost without exception, tend to appeal to 'reputation' and 'conscience' – in other words, very volatile, emotional guidelines for making decisions – and never 'laws' or 'standards' in such examples. It is even more interesting in your example that this guy was punished by the legal system rather than conscience or whatnot, which is sort of ironic.). But Tim just held his point without any support (I'm not quite understanding what this means. Do you mean he 'held onto' his point..?). Soon he set up another company in his own way and it took no time to put him into prison (This means the actual action of 'putting into prison' takes no time, not that the time between him setting up his own company and him being put into prison is short..which would be something like 'it took no time before he was put into prison'.). I believe if Tim changed his mind at the very beginning, there would be a bright future for him. Face your mistakes and accept it modestly, and you will see your progress everyday (The point about 'progress everyday' isn't very clearly illustrated in the example or your argument, especially why it has to be 'everyday'.).

For a group, a stubborn person who holds on to his idea may lead the whole group to low efficiency and develop in a wrong direction which is far away from success. One of my experiences can illustrate it. Once I took part in a mathematical modeling contest which required three people to make a team and finished a paper during three days. A guy named Van took in charge of the programming part but he was easy to be stuck in the irrelavant details (1. This is almost a direct translation. Only things are 'easy'. You don't describe people as 'easy'. If they have the tendency of doing things in a certain way, etc., you say they are 'prone to <something>', but not they are 'easy to do <something>'; 2. If you say 'the' irrelevant details, then you need to be more specific, otherwise stay generic with 'irrelevant details'.). On the first day, he was stuck again (If he is stuck 'again' on the very first day, it means he's stuck at least for once before even the first day, which means you guys started doing this thing before the first day, which means the contest isn't exactly three days..) and abandoned all the other important tasks to research that little point while my teammate and I were busy discussing models (The problem here is that without specifying what exactly the 'little point' is, it's very hard to see why it must be a little point just because you said it was. All along it's only your judgment on the usefulness of your teammate's efforts. It's dictating. It's not truly persuasive. You don't need to discuss the technicalities of such things in detail, but if you can illustrate with some more solid information that your teammate's concentration was really on something that would be judged by most people to be irrelevant to a math modeling project, e.g. 'the font he should use for his code', your argument would be more effective.). Though we talked to him and wanted him to get out of that detail and move on, he ignored it and was addicted in that. So my teammate and I had to finish the rest of work with exhausted minds (1. 'exhaust' is often a physical/mental mix so it's kind of awkward to talk about only the mind being 'exhausted'; 2. if you finish the work 'with exhausted minds', it means you were already exhausted, for whatever reason, when you were doing the work. But as far as I see, what you want to say is actually that, because you have to share 3 people's work between the 2 of you, you were exhausted, and probably that's why you didn't do a very good job and all. Again, you see I kind of understand your reasoning, but you just didn't manage to express the important details that would 'nail' your discussion clearly. Instead, you go about happily describing things in ways that are not really helping the readers to see the 来龙去脉 of things with minimum effort. In other words, your readers have to piece up your argumentation by themselves to a large extent. Different ways of describing the same thing would highlight different aspects of it, and would contribute differently in terms of relevance and efficiency to the purpose of illustrating a particular argument. Be precise. Always think about what exactly your reasoning is and let that drive your descriptions, not the other way round.). At last, the result of the contest is unsatisfying, from which I realize the importance of accepting others criticism for the sake of the whole group.

Granted, sometimes the truth is held in a handful of persons' hands and you may be right (Who are you addressing as 'you' here?). But a person will make numerous mistakes during his life and he should consider and follow others' advice rather than insist on his own ideas (If you put this sentence next to your question, you should see what you have in mind as the main point of argument is not exactly the same as what the question wants.).

总结：

其实你主要的问题一直来是同样的，就是语言很好但是话说不清楚。。一个表现在语义各种模糊，一个表现在论述和描写例子的时候我能看出你心里是想表达什么样子的论理，但是你描写例子的方式总是扎好几针也不见血。。议论文应该是随时都要让你想说明的论点和你要发展的论证去推动你选择描写什么怎么描写，而不是从描写中掏论点论证。。而且我发现你用例子一贯是小说式的，各种人设世界观上来先放好然后才开始讲剧情，但是说实话很多这种背景信息要么根本不必要（比如那个比赛时间是三天还是神马的），要么是可以直接压到剧情里面的（比如，你的那个队友很容易纠结细节，这一点完全没必要非得把他先期描写一次好像你要证明这个是他个人性格的问题导致比赛的时候出问题。。因为对证明你的论点来说，重要的只是这个人不接受批评导致事情没做好，而这个具体的问题到底是为什么，是他个人性格问题神马的，这全是次要的。。这个例子里最重要最直接有用的信息一句话就可以概括完：‘有次数学建模比赛我一码工队友喜欢纠结无用的细节，不干有用的事情，还不接受批评不合作，导致我们两人干三人的活，最终成绩不理想’），所说你的论述效率比较低。。

叶子123UID：3404943

待批改的作文~有兴趣的同志们帮忙改一下吧
O(∩_∩)O谢谢

mpromanusUID：2565872

叶子123 发表于 2013-2-26 06:56
我又来骚扰了~ 请批改，谢谢大神！

好吧于是我被抽风的系统踩翻了扶额。。

mpromanusUID：2565872

叶子123 发表于 2013-2-27 07:49
坚持骚扰，再上一篇，O(∩_∩)O谢谢~