Issue10 重写稿

yhlUID: 146817

Governments must ensure that their major cities receive the financial support to thrive. This is very important for the development of a nation. And at the same time, government cannot neglect other common cities.

In the view of people’s history, city is a place where persons live in together and get help from each other to promote the quality of life of each self and raise the whole level of the nation at last. City，as the material carrier of people’s idea, have a important function on preserving and spreading out cultural traditions.

Along with the growth of society, major cities come into existence. They have many characteristics that distinguish them from other cities. First of all, they are the centers of culture. Seeing some major cities such as New York, Paris, Tokyo and so on. There are the most important culture communities, institutions, and universities. They also are the places where many different ideas interact with each other and generate the ethos of the nation. Secondly, the major cities play a significant role in the politics. In most nations, major cities are the location of their governments, such as Paris, Berlin, London and so on. In some circumstances, they are the centers of economy, such as New York, San Fransisco, Sidney and so on. For the economy and politics are the foundation of culture, they also have great influence on the cultural traditions.

As above, the major cities are the most important factors of expediting the preservation and development of the cultural traditions of a country. Therefore, government must support them of their financial. If major cities can develop well, they can put a positive influence on the whole country, with helping other areas find a definitive orientation, and improving themselves in the round. As a result, the nation can raise the culture level and some important or valuable traditions can be reserved.

The development of major cities is important, albeit, we can't overlook other areas. If a country only has some major cities, with other poor and laggard areas, the country can't be in balance. And the problem of society must be very great. In an   unbalance and disorder society, how can the traditions be preserved and engendered? We can't imagine a country in disorder can develop well. So government must pay attention to other areas. It is necessary to guarantee that the country develop harmoniously. As a result, the whole level can be improved and the nation can engender its culture.

In the east, we put concert in the first place. And in the development of cities, this is also a considerable summit. We must support major cities and do not ignore other areas. So that the nation can ensure that the cultural tradition can be preserved and generated well.

imongUID: 140258

恕我直言，通篇写得比较平庸。从论述的角度而言，例证不够贴切（both内容和表达），而你的illustration又没有真正做到解释问题，比较单薄。段内在coherence上面就不是特别好，段间同样存在这个问题。而例如In the east, we put concert in the first place.这种话完全是让人摸不着头脑的。语言上也不是特别的熟练。

可以先去精华区和习题库看看前人的感想和优秀习作，而且这两天作文版都评了n篇精华作文了（加上文摘区的），可以先学习一下。

注意在内文开头把题目抄一遍，要不然别人还要去查题目的，不方便。

要想提高得快的话，多跟版上的xdjm们互相叫板（在这里的人都是欢迎自己被叫板的，所以要想让自己被叫板就要先主动出去叫板别人:)），讨论越多，提高越充分。继续加油。

yhlUID: 146817

Thank you very much!  I"try my best 1 I belive i can do better next time!

yhlUID: 146817

10"Governments must ensure that their major cities receive the financial support they need in order to thrive, because it is primarily in cities that a nation's cultural traditions are preserved and generated." 10． 政府必须保证主要城市用于发展的财政支持，因为国家的文化传统发源于并保留在这些主要城市

Governments must ensure that their major cities receive the financial support to thrive. This is very important for the development of a nation. And at the same time, for there are not only major cities but also many common areas, government can’t neglect other areas.

In the view of people’s history, city is a place where persons live in together and get help from each other to promote the quality of life of each self and raise the whole level of the nation at last. City，as the material carrier of people’s idea, have a important function on preserving, generating and spreading out cultural traditions. Along with the growth of society, major cities come into existence. They play a more important role.

What dose “major cities” mean? These cities can be named as major cities for they have many characteristics that distinguish them from other cities. First of all, they are the centers of culture. Seeing some major cities such as New York, Paris, Tokyo and so on. The most important culture communities, institutions, universities, and museum. There, tradition can be conserved well and transmitted from one generation to another. They also are the places where many different ideas interact with each other and generate the ethos of the nation. Secondly, the major cities play a significant role in the politics. In most nations, major cities are the location of their governments, such as Paris, Berlin, London and so on. In some circumstances, they are also the centers of economy, such as New York, San Francisco, Sidney and so on. These cities put great power on the politics and economy of these countries. Because the economy and politics are the foundation of culture, the preservation and transmission of traditions are dependent on them; they also have great influence on the cultural traditions.

As above, the major cities are the most essential factors of expediting the protection and development of the cultural traditions of a country. Therefore, government must support them of their financial. If major cities can develop well, they can put a positive influence on the whole country, with helping other areas find a definitive orientation, and improving themselves in the round. As a result, the material level of a nation can be improved and, at last, the nation can raise the culture level, some important or valuable traditions can be kept.

The development of major cities is important, albeit, we can't overlook other areas. If a country only has some major cities, with other poor and laggard areas, the country can't be in balance. And the problem of society must be very great. In an   unbalance and disorder society, how can the traditions be preserved and engendered? We can't imagine a country in disorder can develop well. So government must pay attention to other areas. It is necessary to guarantee that the country develop harmoniously. As a country has solid material base, it can engender its culture better.

To summarize, when put up a nation, we must support major cities and do not ignore other areas. Only if they were both developed, the nation can ensure that the cultural tradition can be preserved and generated well.

genie05UID: 30358

10"Governments must ensure that their major cities receive the financial support they need in order to thrive, because it is primarily in cities that a nation's cultural traditions are preserved and generated."
10． 政府必须保证主要城市用于发展的财政支持，因为国家的文化传统发源于并保留在这些主要城市

Governments must ensure that their major cities receive the financial support to thrive. This is very important for the development of a nation. （头两句用一个从句里连接起来不是更好？）And at the same time, for（FOR的用法大家都很熟悉了，对不是很正式主要的原因才这样使用。所以不建议你用FOR） there are not only major cities but also many common areas, government can’t neglect other areas.

In the view of people’s history, city is a place where persons （可以这样使用？读着好年难受）live in *（语法）together and get help from each other（one another?） to promote the quality of life of each self (?)and raise the whole level of the nation at last. City，as the material carrier (这个表达有把握吗？)of people’s idea, have a（an） important function on preserving, generating and spreading out cultural traditions. Along with the growth of society, major cities come into existence. They play a more （是和什么在对比？）important role.（GRE的ISSUE需要你的强有力的说服力，而这里你只是下了一个定义，并且单这个定义是不能很好的说明你的论点MAJOR CITY在保存TRADITION 上的作用，而且本段没有TS，如果对自己的论证功底没有太大的把握的话，这个方法是不支持的。。）

What dose “major cities” mean? These cities can be named as major cities for they have many characteristics that distinguish them from other cities.（这句话不用了吧。） First of all, they are the centers of culture. Seeing some major cities such as New York, Paris, Tokyo and so on（AND THE LIKE，AND SO FORTH。用AND SO ON 不合适，口语化）. The most important culture communities, institutions, universities, and museum.（这个句子是在干什么？） There, tradition can be conserved well and transmitted from one generation to another. They also are the places where many different ideas interact with each other and generate the ethos of the nation. Secondly,（建议在这种词语的使用上有个连续性，比如FIRSTLY ，SECONDELY，。。。。） the major cities play a significant role in the politics. In most nations, major cities are the location of their governments, such as Paris, Berlin, London and so on. In some circumstances, they are also the centers of economy, such as New York, San Francisco, Sidney and so on. These cities put great power on the politics and economy of these countries. Because the economy and politics are the foundation of culture, the preservation and transmission of traditions are dependent on them; they also have great influence on the cultural traditions.

As above, the major cities are the most essential factors of expediting the protection and development of the cultural traditions of a country. Therefore, government must support them of their financial. If major cities can develop well, they can put a positive influence on the whole country, with helping other areas find a definitive orientation, and improving themselves in the round. As a result, the material level of a nation can be improved and, at last, the nation can raise the culture level, some important or valuable traditions can be kept.

The development of major cities is important, albeit, we can't overlook other areas. If a country only has some major cities, with other poor and laggard areas, the country can't be in balance. And the problem of society must be very great. In an unbalance and disorder society, how can the traditions be preserved and engendered? We can't imagine a country in disorder can develop well. So government must pay attention to other areas. It is necessary to guarantee that the country develop harmoniously. As a country has solid material base, it can engender its culture better.

To summarize, when put up a nation, we must support major cities and do not ignore other areas. Only if they were both developed, the nation can ensure that the cultural tradition can be preserved and generated well.

1,开头相对比较短，这样会加重你后面的字数负担，如果可以建议写长一点。而且开头是很重要的，关系到了评卷人的整体印象问题，需要多花点时间。
2.以后发文以前先用WORD修改一下。
3．TITLE不用这样发吧。不是只有IMONG 可以看不是吗？^0^
4．很多地方的表达有CHINGLISH的迹象，不够地道，还需要积累，多读点外文杂志或新闻吧。小说就算了。
5．句式比较单调，建议去精华区翻翻关于句式的帖子。论证不够充分，几乎可以算没有例证，而这个是很强有力的论证方法。
6，WE 的使用在文中会使文章的严谨性和客观性不足，不是太支持。
7，仔细看你的文章，从主题一段来看，你的主要论证是两边都不能忽略，也就是说是ON THE ONE HAND，ON THE OTHER HAND 的思考方法，可是对非MAJOR CITY的论证太过于简略。

只有前面一点详细改了，后面的没有把问题写出来，就在最后总体的说了一下。还望见凉。
英文功底还是不错，不过对写作方法的把握不是很好。
希望可以多参加版上的讨论，看看别人的，并加入讨论，和大家共同进步。
谢谢。
+u+u.
:D

yhlUID: 146817

谢谢！看了大家的批评，我现在已大概明白自己的问题所在，真是很感谢大家！其实我也想品评别人的文章，但每次都觉的大家的文章都写的如此之好，让我不禁有些自惭形秽。我自己水平太低，实在不好意思去批别人的文章。不过我会努力的！

genie05UID: 30358

看别人的文章是自己的一个进步的过程，你的看法，无论对不对，提出来，至少对一个人的进步有利，可能是你，也可能被批的人。
对别人叫板，你的文章才可能有更多的人来看，进步才会越快。

yhlUID: 146817

谢谢你的鼓励！希望三月时我也能写出象你们那样好的文章！