issue66 原稿+重写稿

wallisUID: 111832

66 "As people rely more and more on technology to solve problems, the abili
ty of humans to think for themselves will surely deteriorate."

Technology is the intricate tool devised by human beings through thousands of years' struggle against the severity of nature. It is the essence of huaman's experience as well as the assistant that eases the solution of a variety of problems. Technology takes the place of humans in many aspects of ours lives, for instance, most complex calculations in scientific research and our daily life have been done by computers. Yet the characteristics of burdens on humans have been altered thoroughly, the objectives have been redirected with the time. Moreover, the humans' capability of thinking has been challenged by the increasingly growing multitude of new conditions. Conspicuously, the ability to think has to  be raised to a higher level to cope with difficult thing of higher grade, so we could not assert that the ability to think deteriorates.  


Technology could not not stem from sheer imagination. It is no doubt that technology is the result of assiduous mental labor based on the comprehension and application of the encountered situations. To be more concise, technology is the abstraction and synthesis of human's concepts and methods about the world. But while, with the emergence of technology, human's methodology has underwent a profound change and the focus is not put on the settlement of specific problems but on the systematic realization of a large amount of circumtances that share certain similarities. Hence, human's tasks have been shifted to a higher level than before, which liberates us from monotone repeated things of simplicity. Thus, we can fully devoted to the inventions of new concepts and ideas from the absorption of the obtained informations without much attention to the details of familiar things and ther to be efore precious time and energy have been reserved. Conspicuously,

From the above, it can be concluded that the ability of humans' ability has suffered an unbalanced change.But why? It is because that the sphere of humans' activity has been moved. For example, the calculating ability of most of us has apparently decreased due to the use of computers. But the capacity of understanding and using computer is greater than before. In other words, we are more concerned about how we solve problems with the aid of instruments. But that is not equal to say that the ability of humans to think for themselves deteriorate. On the contrary, it only indicates we are more advanced than before in that the instruments have, in some sense, become a part of our bodies, Or that,as Newton's saying" we are stand on the shoulders of the giants", we are making progress on the basis of our ancestors' experience. In this way， some kinds of our ability degenarate，and in the meantime some others advance. It is from the propulsion of social progression that we regulate our ability structure accordingly。

From the preceding argument, I am very optimistic about the ablity of humans to think. We should update our definitions about the types of human ability to think. After all, we do not stand on the same point as before.

wallisUID: 111832

stem from是起源于。。。的意思啊
我是这样想的：人的计算能力再强也不可能完成象超市这样大规模的账目的计算，所以我们必须利用工具，并且我们不再从事那些已经懂得机理的繁杂的事务，但我没有说不重视那些能力，只不过和以前站在不同的起点。不同的社会要求不同的能力，ability to think 的重心变了。
in some sense, become a part of our bodies 是说工具已经成了人类身体和智力的延伸
we are more advanced than before 是说在工具的基础上我们能力比以前强多了，我们可以轻松的用computer算出圆周率后几千万位。但是如果我们回到过去，在过去的标准下肯定不如那时的人。评价标准变了，这也是社会发展的必经之路。这是我的理解，感觉这篇不好写。

wallisUID: 111832

实际上我们的一些能力退化了，但一些能力增强了。比如，原始人会打猎，我们在没有枪的情况下很难打猎。但我们不需打猎，因为我们有了更好的方法--圈养，所以我们打猎不行了，但是养殖能力上去了。人的思维能力也一样，菜农的心算能力强，但这种能力比程序员的编程能力要低几个等级，因为两者处理事情的范围不一样。
社会发展必然要使人们某些能力变弱，但会出现或增强另外一些能力，这是social tendency，而不是人的思考能力deteriorate。是人能力结构的调整！

这基本上是我的想法，你看对不对！

wallisUID: 111832

但是菜农和程序员比起来更为接近原始状态呀。菜农绝大多数只懂种菜，卖菜，心算（卖菜时用）。

我到第二段增加了一些，你看看。

wallisUID: 111832

你的开头很不错的，比较快地切入论点，不过我觉得最后要加一点来表明自己的观点，下面是我在你的基础上增加而成的。
Technology, the essence of human's experience as well as the powerful tool to settle problems, has replaced human beings in many aspects, especially in calculating. Humans seem to be more free in intelligence than befor。But，as a matter of fact, the intelligent burdens on humans have been altered thoroughly to a higher level to cope with difficult thing of higher grade. And consequently, the ability to think has been raised to a higher level to cope with difficult thing of higher grade, so it could not be asserted that the ability to think deteriorates.


第二段我先说的是技术是人类以前经验的抽象和综合，但同时人类思考的方法发生了变化，从以前解决一些特定的问题转变到解决一类问题。比如，以前人们心算只是暂时完成某几个四则运算，但计算器能完成的范围就大多了。所以我觉得把‘But while, with the emergence of technology, 。。。‘中的while换成simultaneously合适，谢谢你的提醒：）

还有下面这句话我也改写了：
On the contrary, it only indicates we are more advanced than before in that the instruments have, in some sense, become （an extension） of our bodies。

结尾我改写了一下，觉得比以前好，来提提意见
From the preceding argument, we could surely anticipate a good future of humans' ability to think. It is not rantional to doubt the ability of humans to think just because some of it has declined without considering that technology  contributes a lot of superior new elements to our ability.  We should also update our definitions about the types of human ability to think. After all, we do not stand on the same point as before.

galaxysongUID: 152834

Technology is the intricate (复杂得难以理解的？根据下文，不妨改为intellectual) tool devised by human beings through thousands of years' struggle against the severity (严重？你想说的是自然的冷酷无情吧？建议用inexorability) of nature. It is the essence of human's experience as well as the assistant that eases the solution of a variety of problems. (as well as 能这么用吗？ease the solution？) Technology takes the place of (has replaced？) humans in many aspects of ours lives, for (. For) instance, most (加个of) complex calculations in scientific research and our daily life (and our daily life可写可不写，不妨去掉) have been (加个being强调进行时态如何) done by computers. (少了一句可以接yet的话，如“Some work that was once exhausting to human, has now become effortless with the help of technology.”) Yet the characteristics of burdens on humans have been altered thoroughly, (缺连词！) the objectives have been redirected with the time (with the time 是随着时间的意思吗？恐怕没这种用法。). Moreover, the humans' capability of thinking has been challenged by the increasingly growing multitude (群众? 是diversification吧？) of new conditions.

Technology could not stem from sheer imagination. It is no doubt that technology is the result (fruit) of assiduous mental labor based on the comprehension and application (?) of the encountered situations. To be more concise (相对于什么呢？前文也不啰嗦), technology is the abstraction and synthesis of human's concepts and methods about the world. But while, with the emergence of technology, human's methodology has underwent a profound change (那么说方法论出现在科技的前面？) and the focus is not put on the settlement (solutions?) of specific problems but on the systematic realization (???) of a large amount of (amount of只跟不可数名词) circumstances that share certain similarities (?? 直接说similar circumstances多好？). Hence (British English建议少用), human's tasks have been shifted to a higher level than before, which liberates us from monotone repeated things of simplicity (还是simple repetition of set activities ?). Thus, we can fully devote (ourselves) to the inventions of new concepts and ideas aiming at the classification (这半句怎么理解?) of the obtained information without much attention to (不如用distractions of) the details of familiar things and therefore precious time and energy have been reserved.

From the above (没见过), it can be concluded that the ability of humans' ability (thinking?) has suffered an unbalanced (上文说了么？) change. But why? (太口语化了) It is because that the sphere of humans' activity has been moved (move是平移，不改变形态和大小). For example, the calculating ability (ability of calculation?) of most of us has apparently decreased due to the use of computers. But the capacity of understanding and using computer is greater than before. In other words, we are more concerned about how we solve problems with the aid of instruments (不可数名词！). But (第三个but了) that is not equal to say (不等于说？用it doesn't mean不更合适吗？) that the ability of humans to think for (by?) themselves deteriorate (第三人称！). On the contrary, it only indicates we are more advanced (advanced能形容人吗？) than before in that the instruments have, in some sense, become a part of our bodies, or that, as Newton's saying" we (老牛说的只是“我”而已) are stand (??) on the shoulders of the giants", we are making progress on the basis of our ancestors' experience.

From (??) the preceding (preceding是指（时间、顺序等）在前面的，这里应用above吧？) argument, I am very optimistic about the ability of humans to think. We should update our definitions about (of?) the types of human ability to think. After all, we do not stand on the same point as before.

你的意思我基本都明白。我也同意。看得出你对不少事物的认识很有高度和深度。
不过，frankly speaking，你的英文表达问题真多。长句太长，往往杂合了几个短句的内容，而内部的coherency和consistency不足。建议你先尽量避免写长句，能独立成句的统统独立。相信这样一来，你的英文会像你的中文那么清晰透彻。
另外，为什么不用Word检查一下呢？有不少拼写错误。

sydUID: 151948

GALAXYSONG 的 意见是对的，你对词汇的量的掌握不错，在写作文时也用上了，就是用法上还不是太精确，另外你的思维也很好，建议你可以适当的SIMPILIFY，还有就是尽量在开头表明立场，这点我认为很重要。

imongUID: 140258

这个讨论不错的说，我给标精了。

各位继续掐着~~ :p

wallisUID: 111832

Technology, the essence of human's experience as well as the powerful tool to settle problems, has replaced human beings in many aspects, especially in calculating. Humans seem to be more relieved from intelligent burdens than before。But，as a matter of fact, the intelligent burdens on humans have been altered thoroughly to a higher level to cope with difficult thing of higher grade. And consequently, the ability to think has been raised to a higher level to cope with difficult thing of higher grade, so it is not justifiable to assert that the ability to think deteriorates.

Technology could not stem from sheer imagination. It is no doubt that technology is the fruit of assiduous mental labor based on the comprehension of the encountered situations. To be more exact, technology is the abstraction and synthesis of human's concepts and methods about the world. But simultaneously, with the emergence of technology, human's methodology has underwent a profound change and the focus is not put on the settlement of specific problems but on the systematic grasp of a great number of circumstances that share certain similarities. Hence (新概念看多了，大家换个词), human's tasks have been shifted to a higher level than before, which liberates us from monotone repeated things of simplicity. Thus, we can be fully devoted to the inventions of new concepts and ideas aiming at the classification and digestion of the obtained information without much attention to the details of familiar things and therefore precious time and energy have been reserved.

It can be concluded from the above facts that the ability of humans' ability to thinking has suffered an unbalanced change. But why? It is because that the sphere of humans' activity has been moved. For example, the ability to calculate of most of us has apparently decreased due to the use of computers. But the capacity of understanding and using computer is greater than before. In other words, we are more concerned about how we solve problems with the aid of machines. But that is not equal to say that the ability of humans to think for themselves deteriorates. On the contrary, it only indicates we have more advanced ability than before in that the instrument has, in some sense, become the extension of our bodies, or that, as Newton's saying" I only stand on the shoulders of the giants", we are making progress on the basis of our ancestors' experience.

From the preceding argument, we could surely anticipate a good future of humans' ability to think. It is not rational to doubt the ability of humans to think just because some aspects of it has declined without considering that technology contributes a lot of superior new elements to our ability. We should also update our definitions about the types of human ability to think. After all, we do not stand on the same point as before.

imongUID: 140258

好文章，有短小精悍的感觉。行文的逻辑和紧凑程度都非常的好。

and the focus is not put on the settlement of specific problems but on the  我觉得这里动词建议用一个实际动作，而不是be

the ability to calculate of（of?） most of us

用词上零星的有个别地方值得推敲，其它都不错。

基本上是5分的文章了。如果要拿更高的分数就得往里面继续充实。第一body的论述和第二body的论点都是精彩，如果能有更加充分的例证和进一步展开，那就肯定要6分了。

精华之。

看来你们几个掐架成果显著嘛 :D:p  接着掐接着掐，有空儿的时候也多欺负欺负新来的的说，嘿嘿~~:D

galaxysongUID: 152834

大家一起努力，把它“掐”成6分范文。

Technology, the essence of human's experience as well as the powerful tool to settle problems, has replaced human beings in many aspects, especially in calculating. Humans seem to be more relieved from [应该是of] intelligent [应该是intellective] burdens than before。[居然是中文的句号，怪哉] But，as a matter of fact, the intelligent burdens on humans have been altered thoroughly to a higher level to cope with difficult thing of higher grade [things of higher grade in difficulty]. And consequently, the ability to think has been raised to a higher level to cope with difficult thing of higher grade [与上一句重复，建议改为 the ability of humans to think has been raised to a correspondingly higher level under the challenges of new problems ], so it is not justifiable to assert that the ability to think [加个surely就更好了] deteriorates.

[提出自己的观点本没错，但不该把论证的话放进来。三个“升级”啊。]

Technology could not stem from sheer imagination. It is no doubt that technology is the fruit of assiduous mental labor based on the comprehension of the encountered situations. To be more exact, technology is the abstraction and synthesis of human's concepts and methods about the world. But simultaneously, with the emergence of technology, human's methodology has underwent a profound change and the focus is not put on the settlement of specific problems but on the systematic grasp of a great number of circumstances that share certain similarities. Hence (新概念看多了，大家换个词)[有therefore, thus, for this reason, that's why, and so, from now，见Word的“同义词”菜单项], human's tasks have been shifted to a higher level than before, which liberates us from monotone repeated things of simplicity. Thus, we can be fully devoted to the inventions of new concepts and ideas aiming at the classification and digestion of the obtained information without much attention to the details of familiar things and therefore precious time and energy have been reserved.

[逻辑主线：科技不源于单纯的想象（不算论点吧）科技的定义1科技的定义2方法论的变化焦点从单一问题转向同类问题（大意如此）人类任务升级，免除简单劳动人类投入新的研究不用关注细节节约时间精力
coherence依旧不足。有看袋鼠的感觉。比如，后半段的顺序不如改为：免除简单劳动节约时间精力不用关注细节人类投入新的研究。而“方法论”前后部分，像耸立的山峰，概念高深，彼此之间的关系却没说清。建议抛开原文，重写，或许会有很大改观。]

It can be concluded from the above facts that the ability of humans' ability to thinking has suffered an unbalanced [unbalanced怎么理解？] change. But why? It is because that the sphere of humans' activity has been moved [为什么还是moved？有根据吗？]. For example, the ability to calculate of most of us has apparently decreased due to the use of computers. But the capacity of understanding and using computer is greater than before. In other words, we are more concerned about how we solve problems with the aid of machines. But [“but” again?] that is not equal to say that the ability of humans to think for themselves deteriorates. On the contrary, it only indicates we have more advanced ability than before in that the instrument has, in some sense, become the extension [我上次没提醒，你能注意到，很好] of our bodies, or that, as Newton's saying" I only stand on the shoulders of the giants", we are making progress on the basis of our ancestors' experience.

[逻辑主线：由上一段，人类思考力遭受变化因为人类活动领域变了举例（很恰当）我们更关注怎样解决问题这不等于assertion相反，这显示了我们扩展了能力或者我们在前人基础上（继续）进步
coherence好多了。最后一条如果去掉，能突出倒数第二条，毕竟它才是本段论点。建议而已。]

From the preceding argument, we could surely anticipate a good future of humans' ability to think. It is not rational to doubt the ability of humans to think just because some aspects of it has declined without considering that technology contributes a lot of superior new [new and superior?] elements [contribute作及物动词时，是“贡献出（金钱、文章等）”的意思。这里elements不属于technology，怎么能被它contribute？] to our ability. We should also update our definitions about the types of human ability to think. After all, we do not stand on the same point as before.[最后一句可有可无。]

[不常见的叹号“！”型文章：总起段（还能这样称呼吗？）超长，body 1超重，body 2正常，总结段正常，但与body2衔接好像缺点东西]