issue30 花了很长时间，拜托给看看

xiaoaierUID: 137074

30"The primary goal of technological advancement should be to increase people's efficiency so that everyone has more leisure time."

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Is efficiency the primary goal of technological advancement because it brings people more leisure time , as the speaker asserts? I strongly disagree . Even if efficiency can lessen the spiraling work labor on people, which I take doubt to believe , it can never be elevated to so high a status as the primary goal of technological advancement. In fact , true merit of progress in technology lies in many other respects which are more beneficial to the people and our society.
  
   The speaker’s claim that efficiency brings leisure to people seems to be in accordance with our everyday experience. For example, computer , with its staggering celerity in calculation and powerful capacity of memorizing , can accomplish certain tremendous tasks in a few seconds , which otherwise may cost an office worker hours or more ; the Internet ---- one of the most influential inventions of the 20th century----- affords us readier access to all sorts of information we need , saving us from the trouble of perusing in the stacks of the library; there are even innovative technology which can help prepare food and deal with house chores ; this is a bliss for today’s employed women because they can not afford a lot of time on their family work.. However , all such benefits we gain from these time-saving technology may screen us from the real impact they have on our lives : the more efficient fidgets we use , the more activities we would like to pack into our daily life ; the more mobility we gain , the more destination we desire to get to. Such a greedy attitude stems from the natural fragility of human beings, and no technological efficiency can expect to conquer it ; in other words , instead of granting people more leisure time , enhancement of efficiency actually imposes a heavier burden on them.
   
   Even conceding that people will feel more lighthearted because of the more specially efficient way to handle their jobs , there is no reason that efficiency should be deemed as the primary goal of technological advancement , as the speaker asserts , because people and our society stand to gain in many other ways  from the progress in technology. For example , advance in medical technology allows safer method of surgery , such as the lacer operation ; advance in genetic technology helps prevent birth defect ; advance in physical technology improves the integrity of our road , building and bridge ; agricultural technology supplies us with more food and transportation technology grants us greater mobility. All these benefits have nothing to do with efficiency , nevertheless , they are more relevant to the living level and the comfort of the people .

    In sum , enhancement in efficiency does not necessarily indicate a lighter burden on people’s shoulders ; actually , it is all the other way around .What’s more , undue emphasis on efficiency may shadow other aims of technology , which are usually more beneficial to our people and society. After all , technology is exerting a more and more profound  influence on our lives. Pursuit of technological advancement should be an enduring task of human beings ; and we will surely stand to gain from it , especially when it is conducted under the right goal.

genie05UID: 30358

30"The primary goal of technological advancement should be to increase people's efficiency so that everyone has more leisure time."

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Is efficiency the primary goal of technological advancement because it brings people more leisure time , as the speaker asserts? I strongly disagree . Even if efficiency can lessen the spiraling work labor on people, which I take doubt to believe , it can never be elevated to so high a status as the primary goal of technological advancement. In fact , true merit of progress in technology lies in many other respects which are more beneficial to the people and our society.（开头不错，清楚明白。）

The speaker’s claim that efficiency brings leisure to people seems to be in accordance with our everyday experience. For example, computer , with its staggering celerity in calculation and powerful capacity of memorizing , can accomplish certain tremendous tasks in a few seconds , which otherwise may cost an office worker hours or more ; the Internet ---- one of the most influential inventions of the 20th century----- affords us readier access to （加ALOMOST，注意你行文的准确性）all sorts of information we need , saving （用SAVE吗？）us from the trouble of perusing in the stacks of the library; there are even innovative technology which can help prepare food and deal with house chores ; this is a bliss for today’s employed women because they can not afford a lot of time on their family work. However , all such benefits we gain from these time-saving technology may screen us from the real impact they have on our lives : the more efficient fidgets we use , the more activities we would like to pack into our daily life ; the more mobility we gain , the more destination we desire to get to. Such a greedy attitude stems from the natural fragility of human beings, and no technological efficiency can expect to conquer it ; in other words , instead of granting people more leisure time , enhancement of efficiency actually imposes a heavier burden on them. （，仔细分析一下你文章的重点是什么？你的TS是什么？第二段有200多字，可是对你的论点的论证没有太大的实际意义。你的重点成了举例，和ISSUE的目的不搭了。可以考虑从HOWEVER那里分一下，可是也不是一个很好的办法。随时要注意你的中心和目的是什么，不是只要字数够就可以了。看看IMONG的那个帖子吧。https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?threadid=162385
还有，你的WE的大量使用影响文章的客观性和严谨性）

Even conceding that people will feel more lighthearted because of the more specially efficient way to handle their jobs , there is no reason that efficiency should be deemed as the primary goal of technological advancement , as the speaker asserts , because people and our society stand to gain in many other ways from the progress in technology. For example , advance in medical technology allows safer method of surgery , such as the lacer operation ; advance in genetic technology helps prevent birth defect ; advance in physical technology improves the integrity of our road , building and bridge ; agricultural technology supplies us with more food and transportation technology grants us greater mobility. All these benefits have nothing to do with efficiency , nevertheless , they are more relevant to the living level and the comfort of the people .

In sum , enhancement in efficiency does not necessarily indicate a lighter burden on people’s shoulders ; actually , it is all the other way around .What’s more , undue emphasis on efficiency may shadow other aims of technology , which are usually more beneficial to our people and society. After all , technology is exerting a more and more profound influence on our lives. Pursuit of technological advancement should be an enduring task of human beings ; and we will surely stand to gain from it , especially when it is conducted under the right goal.

1,这里有关于句式的一些讲解，可以自己找一下。这方面问题比较大。或者该说你的句式比较单调，许多句子读着别扭。https://bbs.gter.net/forumdisplay.php?forumid=829
2，关于用词，也有同样的问题。
3，最后一段到ALL THE OTHER WAY AROUND就好了。其他的发挥太多了。如果有问题的话可以去翻翻精华区的帖子

就你的文章来看，建议先去翻翻精华里的帖子，对范文和ETS的标准多分析一下，力求把握准确。

sydUID: 151948

30"The primary goal of technological advancement should be to increase people's efficiency so that everyone has more leisure time."

------------------------------
Is efficiency the primary goal of technological advancement because it brings people more leisure time , as the speaker asserts? I strongly disagree . Even if efficiency can lessen the spiraling work labor on people, which I take doubt to believe , it can never be elevated to so high a status as the primary goal of technological advancement. In fact , [the]true merit of progress in technology lies in many other respects which are more beneficial to the people and our society.

The speaker’s claim that efficiency brings leisure to people seems to be in accordance with our everyday experience. For example, computer , with its staggering celerity in calculation and powerful capacity of memorizing , can accomplish certain tremendous tasks in a few seconds , which otherwise may cost an office worker hours or more ; the Internet ---- one of the most influential inventions of the 20th century----- affords us readier access to all sorts of information we need , saving us from the trouble of perusing in the stacks of the library; there are even innovative technology which can help prepare food and deal with house chores ; this is a bliss for today’s employed women because they can not afford a lot of time on their family work.. However , all such benefits we gain from these time-saving technology may screen us from the real impact they have on our lives : the more efficient fidgets we use , the more activities we would like to pack into our daily life ; the more mobility we gain , the more destination we desire to get to.[这里我认为有问题，获得了更多的行为和移动性并不一定会对娱乐和休闲带来阻碍，并且从一定程度上将反而有利，你应该声明高效率省下的时间到哪里去了，否则上面的例子会从正面支持而不是反对SPEAKER的。] Such a greedy attitude stems from the natural fragility of human beings, and no technological efficiency can expect to conquer it ; in other words , instead of granting people more leisure time , enhancement of efficiency actually imposes a heavier burden on them.

Even conceding that people will feel more lighthearted because of the more specially efficient way to handle their jobs , there is no reason that efficiency should be deemed as the primary goal of technological advancement , as the speaker asserts , because people and our society stand to gain in many other ways from the progress in technology. For example , advance in medical technology allows safer method of surgery , such as the lacer[LASER] operation ; advance in genetic technology helps prevent birth defect ; advance in physical technology improves the integrity of our road , building and bridge ; agricultural technology supplies us with more food and transportation technology grants us greater mobility. All these benefits have nothing to do with efficiency , nevertheless , they are more relevant to the living level and the comfort of the people .[这里也有问题，题目是说这个增加娱乐时间是否是首要目的，你这段论述的是增加娱乐不是唯一目的，逻辑上有问题，应该比较各种目的之间谁更重要。]

In sum , enhancement in efficiency does not necessarily indicate a lighter burden on people’s shoulders ; actually , it is all the other way around .What’s more , undue emphasis on efficiency may shadow other aims of technology , which are usually more beneficial to our people and society. After all , technology is exerting a more and more profound influence on our lives. Pursuit of technological advancement should be an enduring task of human beings ; and we will surely stand to gain from it , especially when it is conducted under the right goal. [结尾的确是稍显画蛇添足了]
不过我觉得你的用词不错，至少在把平时背过的词汇用在文章里的能力比我强（不过我写的时候都不会去查词的说），希望能够分享你的经验。 :D