诚恳的求批改

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第一次考g时aw只有3分，托福的作文分也不高，我连口语都过线了就是作文，真的是老大难，求大家帮我看一下到底哪里出了问题，我自己感觉我的问题就是用词简单，句式简单加语法错误，这次真的是痛下心去写作文了，我现在已经写了10多篇了吧，但是一直都是写完自己改改就过去了，第一下发上来，欢迎大家批评指正顺带指点迷津
From the perspective of supporting the educational system, I totally agree with the speaker that the government should offer a free university education to any students who are admitted. However, my concern is whether the government could afford this might a huge number of money, which means it is decided by the government financial capacity, and there may have other approaches to achieve this goal such as offer scholarship to top students or subsidize the indigent students who can not afford the college tuition by personal.
Admittedly, the development of a country is largely influence by its educational development. By encouraging increasing students to go study in university instead of finding job after they graduate from high school can enhance national strength. We can see most of developed countries such as United States and Canada have the best colleges in the world and that is why most of students in developing country such as China want to go study there. Thence, we can not ignore the importance of developing education, and, to some degree, the government have responsibility to  contribute to that.
Nevertheless, one factor before we implement this policy needs to be considered is the number of students the government needs to patronize. If the students are less while the money that the government have are enormous, it seems to be fine to do that. But if the situation is reverse, which shows less money and more students, it will increase the burden of government and also cause another type of inequality. Because the amount of money the government can spend on the education is limited, and we have to specify whether a student has qualification to accept this money, which will also needs more time and money to do, can also give additional burden on government. In addition, if select the qualification of a student only by a group of people, it may brings unfair things. For example, the judger will choose the students they are familiar with the rather than the students they have no idea. From this point of views, I do not think it is wise for government to support all the students that are admitted if they can not handle this dilemma.
As a result, we have to seek others way to solve this crucial problem. I think there are two mainstream ways. First of all, the government can encourage some rich and lenient person to give money to those students who can not afford the fees to go on studying in the university and then when these students finish their study and find a job, they can return those money back to the charitable people. Besides, the government can also urge students to earn tuition by themselves. They can do some part-time jobs such as cleaning the dishes for restaurants and teaching children maths, and this will not only alleviate the burden of their families but also rich their personal experience.
In sum, my point is if the government have the ability to support its country’s educational development then they can do what they want, but if it does not they must explore other effective ways to solve the problem of students study in university.