tomatoeggs来看：34到37，这几天写的

imongUID: 140258

今天本来应该写38（issue103），结果对原题的理解出来两个版本，郁闷死。

每日一评：6个贴切到位的一句话例子
Issue 34/280
"People work more productively in teams than individually. Teamwork requires cooperation, which motivates people much more than individual competition does."

The speaker asserts that because teamwork requires cooperative effort, people are more motivated and therefore more productive working in teams than working individually as competitors. My view is that this assertion is true only in some cases.转述原题和自己观点的表达都是简洁明了 If one examines the business world, for example, it becomes clear that which approach is more effective in motivating people and in achieving productivity depends on the specific job.表示下文将从business的角度入手进行阐述，并且说明观点：it depends on specific job.

In some jobs productivity dearly depends on the ability of co-workers to cooperate as members of a team. For businesses involved in the production of products through complex processes, all departments and divisions must work in lock-step fashion toward product roll-out.例子很到位，一句话的内容就足够了。 Cooperative interaction is even essential in jobs performed in relative isolation and in jobs in which technical knowledge or ability, not the ability to work with others, would seem to be most important.精彩，even essential… would seem to be most important，看似矛盾实际上加强了对比的力度 For example, scientists, researchers, and even computer programmers must collaborate to establish common goals, coordinate efforts, and meet time lines. Moreover, the kinds of people attracted to these jobs in the first place are likely to be motivated by a sense of common purpose rather than by individual ambition. 围绕本段的中心进行了紧凑的阐述，前后两个例子简短而贴切，值得学习。如果我们的段落可以写成这样那就很不错了。

In other types of jobs individual competition, tenacity, and ambition are the keys to productivity. For example, a commissioned salesperson's compensation, and sometimes tenure and potential for promotion as well, is based on comparative sales performance of coworkers. Working as competitors a firm's individual salespeople maximize productivity-in terms of profit--both for themselves and for their firm.一个例子 Key leadership positions also call, above all, for a certain tenacity and competitive spirit. A firm's founding entrepreneur must maintain this spirit in order for the firm to survive, let alone to maximize productivity.第二个例子，let along这个让步好 Moreover, in my observation the kinds of people inclined toward entrepreneurship and sales in the first place are those who are competitive by nature, not those who are motivated primarily by a sense of common purpose.与上一段前后呼应，都再次扣到了specific job上面。

On balance, however, my view is that cooperation is more crucial for an organization's long-term productivity than individual competition. Even in jobs where individual competitiveness is part-and-parcel of the job, the importance of cooperation should not be underestimated. Competition among sales people can quickly grow into jealousy, back stabbing, and unethical behavior all of which are counterproductive. 开始说disadvantage，前面给一个甜枣儿现在来一棒锤。And even the most successful entrepreneurs would no doubt admit that without the cooperative efforts of their subordinates, partners, and colleagues, their personal visions would never become reality.两点的反击都是很到位，一针见血，再次体现出这篇文章的优点：例子贴切而到位。

In sum, individual competitiveness and ambition are essential motivating forces for certain types of jobs, while in other jobs it is a common sense of mission that motivates workers to achieve maximum productivity. In the final analysis, however, the overall productivity of almost every organization depends ultimately on the ability of its members to cooperate as a team.

而从这个结尾可以看到这篇文章的一些不足之处：个人认为，就像in sum这一段话的叙述一样，通篇文章都像是流水作业，从上走到下然后结尾万事大吉。在最开始的时候缺乏一定的统揽全局的东西。如果这篇文章稍加修改，从开始的时候就把基调定在cooperation上面，然后三个段落的顺序都不变，把关键部位加上一些transition，先cooperation，再让individual motivation，最后返回cooperation，全局的效果会好得多。Nevertheless，原文的分析已经不错了。另外则是从一开始就限定在business的领域——但原题并非如此，而最后也止步于自说自话，这样的做法未必可取，需要参见ETS的pp3说明文件详细谨慎考虑。

其实这个题目的题眼相当多。"People work more productively in teams than individually. Teamwork requires cooperation, which motivates people much more than individual competition does."前半句就是一个超级炸弹，炸出两个阵营（at least），而后面作为原题的supporting evidence则更是给大家留出口实：teamwork和cooperation的辨析（teamwork就等于cooperation了？？），关于motivation的手段，效果的分析和比较，另外其实还有的就是individual和cooperation的关系，等等。对于所有的题目都是一样：千万不要放过关键词，对关键词的辨析明了，一篇文章就搞定一半了（因为确定的清晰构架已经出来）。而对于后半句那种明显添乱的句子，不痛扁它，扁谁？要能够敏捷的发现这样的句子是可以拿来好好利用的。


每日一评：一篇虎头蛇腰的文章——老外也头疼
Issue 35/280
"Colleges and universities should offer more courses on popular music, film, advertising, and
television because contemporary culture has much greater relevance for students than do arts
and literature of the past."
关于艺术的题材，有一段时间是一个典型头疼题目（不知道现在的情况），看看人家怎么写的。

The speaker asserts that the curriculum of colleges and universities should emphasize popular culture--music, media, literature, and so forth rather than literature and art of the past, for the reason that the former is more relevant to students. I strongly disagree.观点是完全反对 Although courses in popular culture do play a legitimate role in higher education,在这里首先做出必要的界定，这也是一边倒中的避免偏激，更重要的是避免把自己绕进去的很好的做法 formal study of the present culture at the expense of studying past cultures can undermine the function of higher education, and ultimately provide a disservice to students and to society.好，at the expense of …. 接 and ultimately，观点清晰流畅。

Admittedly,看到admittedly就知道要干什么了：让步 course work in popular culture is legitimate and valuable for three reasons. First, popular culture is a mirror of society's impulses and values. Thus, any serious student of the social sciences, as well as students of media and communications, should take seriously the literature and art of the present. Secondly, in every age and culture some worthwhile art and literature emerges from the mediocrity. Few would disagree, for example, that 举例语气强，是一个闪光点：当然这种口吻不能拿来写明显违背common sense的东西 the great modem-jazz pioneers such as Charlie Parker and Thelonius Monk, and more recently Lennon and McCarmey, and Stevie Wonder, have made just as lasting a contribution to music as some of the great classical musicians of previous centuries. Thirdly, knowledge of popular films, music, and art enables a person to find common ground to relate to other people. This leads to better communication between different subcultures. 列举三个短支持在让步段，基本上还算是到位的。

Nevertheless, 可以说，前面如果有admittedly的话后面基本上是一定会出现However/nevertheless/yet/…这种词的，这就是行文线索，breadcrumb in the road是也 emphasizing the study of popular culture at the expense of studying classical art and literature can carry harmful consequences for students, as well as for society. Without the benefit of historical perspective gained through the earnest study of the art and literature of the past, it is impossible to fully understand, appreciate, and critique literature and art of the present. 论据之一 Moreover, by approaching popular culture without any yardstick for quality it is impossible to distinguish mediocre art from worthwhile art. 递进出论据之二 Only by studying the classics can an individual develop fair standards for judging popular works. Besides, emphasis on the formal study of popular culture is unnecessary. Education in popular culture is readily available outside the classroom---on the Internet, through educational television programming, and through the sorts of everyday conversations and cross-talk that occur at water coolers and in the coffee houses of any college campus. 从另一个角度说明unnecessary.

In sum, while the study of popular literature and art can be worthwhile, it has to be undertaken in conjunction with an even greater effort to learn about the literature and art of the past. In the absence of the latter, our universities will produce a society of people with no cultural perspective, and without any standards for determining what merits our attention and nurtures society. 结尾的论点值得我们借鉴

这篇文章在Nevertheless之前，可以说一切还算顺利，尤其是开篇的论点，如果按照顺序铺展下去，会相当的精彩。但是到了第三段“蛇腰”就开始了：第三段应该是论述的主体段，可是这一段明显缺乏有力的例子来支持，相比上面的Few would disagree的霸气而言相当的底气不足。值得一提的是，第三段提到的三个论据都是比较到位，但是如果没有深入地展开，这个论据本身就难以让人信服。原因在于前两点与其说是客观发生的事实，不如说是一种opinion（而且并非common sense），用这样的小opinion来支撑大的opinion，这样造出来的产品地基是不扎实的。当然，第三点关于availability of pop culture则是本身比较单薄。

和280其他一些essay比较起来，这样单薄的essay还是比较少见（但是和我们这里的一部分文章却有很大的相似），不知道是不是老外对于这个题目也犯晕？回到刚才的评价，这篇文章的大小论点都是很贴切而到位的，但是第三段的anticlimax实在扫兴，完全应该做到的是把第三段的内容拆开为两部分各写一段，然后在各个opinion后面填上准确的例子，文章的充实程度和力度会大大增加。如果只是现在的情况不改动，拿到5分恐怕相当困难。

每日一评：精彩例证与逃避关键词的跑题倾向遗憾
Issue 36/280
"A person's own habits and attitudes often limit that person's freedom more than do restrictions imposed by others."

I strongly agree with the contention that we often limit our own freedom through our habits and attitudes. By limiting our own freedom, we often serve our own interests. And as we learn this lesson, we cultivate certain attitudes and habits--particularly in our relationships with others--by which we apply that lesson, and which continue throughout life. 开篇只字不提more这个关键字眼，而从前半句：we often limit our own freedom开始起笔。

To appreciate that from an early age we ingrain in ourselves habits that serve to constrain our freedom, one need look no further than the neighborhood playground. Even without adult supervision, a group of youngsters at play invariably establish mutually agreed-upon rules of conduct--whether or not a sport or game is involved. Children learn that without any rules for behavior the playground bully usually prevails. Thus our habit of making choices that constrain our own freedom stems from our desire to protect our own interests, and it begins at an early age. 精彩的例证，直截了当证明自己的观点：We constrain ourselves so as to protect our own interests，也就找到了现象的原因。

进一步展开：This habit of making choices that constrain our own freedom continues into our adult lives. As we mature, most of us develop the attitude that monogamous relationships are preferable to polygamous ones--thus our habit of entering into exclusive pair-bonding relationships. During our teens we agree to "go steady," then as adults we voluntarily enter into marriage contracts. As we enter the working world, we carry these attitudes and habits with us. We eagerly engage in exclusive employment relationships---with the attitude that the security of steady income is preferable to the "freedom" of not knowing where our next paycheck will come from. Even people who prefer self-employment to job security quickly develop the attitude that the only way to preserve their autonomy is to constrain themselves in terms of their agreements with clients and customers, and especially in terms of how they use their me. 一连串的现实现象，相当强力而华丽的例证，每一个例子里面都透出来“protect our interest”，这样一来既不是堆砌例子，也不是讲故事，而在举完例子之后由于分析性的语言已经融到例子里面了，稍微收一下就大功告成，非常值得我们学习。此外，从childhood一直啰嗦到adulthood也是经常用的一个技巧，不过前提是的确得有那样恰当的例证。

到此为止都还停留在前半句，而这里终于开始有点涉及后面的内容了：Those who disagree that we tend to restrict our own freedom through our habits and attitudes involving personal and employment relationships might cite the often-heard complaint about life's circumstances leaving one with "no choice."开始提及limitation imposed by others，虽然换了表达的词语。 One complaining person might feel trapped in a job or a marriage, by their boss or partner. Another complainant might blame his or her spendthrift habits on enticing advertisements, the pressure to appear successful, and so forth. However, people in situations such as these are not actually at the mercy of others. Instead, they have a significant degree of personal freedom, but simply choose one alternative over others that might be less appealing or even self-defeating.论点精辟 For example, almost every person who blames someone else for being trapped in a job is simply choosing to retain a certain measure of financial security.紧跟着就是一个例子上来，相当的紧凑而有力 The choice to forego this security is always available, although it might carry unpleasant consequences. 暗含的意思：最根本的仍然是limitation set by ourselves，但是并没有在文章直接点明。

返回来再来说前半部分：That through our attitudes we serve to constrain our own freedom is evident on a societal level as well. Just as children at a playground quickly develop the habit of imposing rules and regulations on themselves, as a society we do the same. After all, in a democracy our system of laws is an invention of the people. For example, we insist on being bound by restrictions for operating motor vehicles, for buying and selling both real and personal property, and for making public statements about other people. Without these restrictions, we would live in continual fear for our physical safety, the security of our property, and our personal reputation and dignity.相当平和的例子都来自身边，并且相当贴切，这也是社会/行为题材的一个特点 Thus most of the rules and regulations we claim are imposed on us we have ultimately imposed on ourselves, as a society, in order to protect ourselves. 反回来又点到了最初的论点上

In the final analysis, in contenting that our habits and attitudes "often" serve to restrict our freedom more than restraints that others place on us do, the statement does not even go far enough. Despite our occasional sense that others are restricting our choices, on both an individual and a societal level we are ultimately the ones who, through our attitudes and habits, limit our own freedom.结尾进行强化。

这篇文章的优点：如果不看原题，绝对是一篇精彩的立论文章，开头从the contention that we often limit our own freedom through our habits and attitudes开始，进行了两段非常强的支持，中间做一个比较并提出了精辟的论点，最后的时候又返回到该contention，几乎是无懈可击的一篇文章。然而，如果参见原题，原文对于关键字more的逃避恐怕是难辞其咎。不妨考虑："A person's own habits and attitudes often limit that person's freedom more than do restrictions imposed by others." 和 People usually set limitations to restrict their own freedoms，甚至是It is the people themselves，not the circumstances，that set limitation… 彼此之间的区别相当明显，在立论和驳论的同时原题中的比较是不能够逃避的。第三body的遮遮掩掩的关于more的分析本可以成为峰回路转之笔，但无奈一开始的基调就定在了that contention上面，没有办法，最后还是给扣了回去。而这篇文章真正应该做到的，是在开头提出对于谁是more的论点，然后最后扣到这里。例如作者的观点，应该在开头提出people themselves这边是那个more，后面三段大可不动（微调），然后在最后第四段把重心放在对more的分析和深化上，这样一来就算得上功德圆满了。


每日一评：复杂题干与细节利用，一篇精彩的6分范文
Issue 37
"In any realm of life---whether academic, social, business, or political---the only way to succeed is to take a practical, rather than an idealistic, point of view. Pragmatic behavior guarantees survival, whereas idealistic views tend to be superceded by simpler, more
immediate options."
提干分析：首先扔一个炸弹出来（前半句），而且话说得相当绝（in ANY realm of life，而且这里使用了rather than而不是用more比较，把立场逼到了死路上），后半句作为前面的声明的论据和引子。从破题的角度来讲就比较明显了，前半句破出支持原题/反对原题/conditionally，而后面的论据同样是可以独立的进行支持/驳斥，两部分彼此是乘法的关系，选择相当宽泛。作者在此选择反对原题

I agree with the speaker insofar as that a practical, pragmatic approach toward our endeavors can help us survive in the short term. However, idealism is just as crucial if not more so—for long-term success in any endeavor, whether it be in academics, business, or political and social reform. 开篇模糊又不失精确，从long-term 和short term上着手，避开了直接论述pragmatic是不是the ONLY way to success的棘手而容易偏执的问题，直接扔到short term然后冠上一个helpful，把火力转到idealism的long-term上。值得一提的是这样再划分之后相当的取巧，但根本不跑题，也可以算作一次比较漂亮的让步。

Trees曾经点评过一篇嘉文博译的范文（issue116），里面就着题目的细节顺势展开，洋洋洒洒铺展开来，而这篇文章同样如此，把基调定在了彻底反对之后，就着题干给出的三个词 academics business political，全线开火：

When it comes to academics, students who we would consider pragmatic tend not to pursue an education for its own sake. Instead, they tend to cut whatever corners are needed to optimize their grade average and survive the current academic term. But, is this approach the only way to succeed academically? Certainly not.不得不佩服：4句话把原题的推断在academic中给演绎了一遍，拿出具体现象之后紧接着就开始驳斥，非常紧凑。Students who earnestly pursue intellectual paths that truly interest them are more likely to come away with a meaningful and lasting education. In fact, a sense of mission about one's area of fascination is strong motivation to participate actively in class and to study earnestly, both of which contribute to better grades in that area.对上一句话的跟进说明，这就是support所在。 Thus, although the idealist-student might sacrifice a high overall grade average, the depth of knowledge, academic discipline, and sense of purpose the student gains will serve that student well later in life. 简单直接搞定一个方面。

In considering the business world it might be more tempting to agree with the speaker; after all, isn't business fundamentally about pragmatism--that is, "getting the job done" and paying attention to the "bottom line"? Emphatically, no. 略带让步的段落开始，而和上一段同样精彩。Admittedly, the everyday machinations of business are very much about meeting mundane short-term goals: deadlines for production, sales quotas, profit margins, and so forth. 前面出来了admittedly后面必然就是： Yet underpinning these activities is the vision of the company's chief executive--a vision which might extend far beyond mere profit maximization to the ways in which the firm can make a lasting and meaningful contribution to the community, to the broader economy, and to the society as a whole.漂亮，精彩的长句结构和强力的内容。 Without a dream or vision--that is, without strong idealist leadership--a firm can easily be cast about in the sea of commerce without dear direction, threatening not only the firm's bottom line but also its very survival.同样精彩的长句，进一步追击，最后落到threatening survival上面，完胜。

Finally, when it comes to the political arena, again at first blush it might appear that pragmatism is the best, if not the only, way to succeed.可以看出三个段落的开头是有着严密的预先设计的，和嘉文博译的范文有异曲同工之妙。 Most politicians seem driven by their interest in being elected and reelected--that is, in surviving--rather than by any sense of mission, or even obligation to their constituency or country.太漂亮了！in surviving 这个插入语实在精彩（姑且不论是否无懈可击，至少在这里作为立论，足够了），一下子扣回了题眼，而后面的even obligation to则使整个句子继续增色。 Diplomatic and legal maneuverings and negotiations often appear intended to meet the practical needs of the parties involved--minimizing costs, preserving options, and so forth. 进一步叙述现象，以退为进，然后现在就要进了：But, it is idealists-not pragmatists--who sway the masses, incite revolutions, and make political ideology reality. Consider idealists such as America's founders, Mahatma Gandhi, or Martin Luther King. Had these idealists concerned themselves with short-term survival and immediate needs rather than with their notions of an ideal society, the United States and India might still be British colonies, and African-Americans might still be relegated to the backs of buses. 一个虚拟语气句子，两个震撼效果的虚拟结果，比起前两段这个结尾略显逊色，但行文至此，足够了。

In short, the statement fails to recognize that idealism--keeping one's eye on an ultimate prize--is the surest path to long-term success in any endeavor.很巧妙的外推，从三方面直接就到了any endeavor，但并不显得突兀。 Meeting one's immediate needs, while arguably necessary for short-term survival, accomplishes little without a sense of mission, a vision, or a dream for the long term.再次回到自己的论点。

这篇文章全文都相当精彩，我认为很可能拿到6分。一个主要特色就是细节论述，这一点不再详述。另外一个特点就是对题干的掌握：原题是一个论点加论据，破解的时候并不是眉毛胡子一把抓，后面的什么superceded根本就没管，但是最关键的字眼绝对不含糊：pragmatic，idealistic，only，succeed，survival也算上，并且自己引入long-term和short-term，使整篇的分析和论证条理化，清晰化。
两方面的手法，都值得我们学习。

不过要是改颜色的话我想我会吐血的~~这么多color /color......

imongUID: 140258

郁闷死
后面连续3篇不是题目太晦涩就是文章俗不可耐
根本找不到可以点评的地方~

sigh，继续往下找好了

tomatoeggsUID: 82073

辛苦IMONG啦，评点得真细啊。
其实这些所谓的“范文”并不个个是精品。呵呵。你只要挑些逻辑清晰的，句子写得不错点睛一下即可。

tomatoeggsUID: 82073

其实没必要这么大压力，imong , 尽自己能力评改就是了。有时候，改着改着我也感到灵感枯竭，思维中断，煞是郁闷。

另，请多多参照ETS评改的那几篇6，5 分大作，这样自己评分也有依据啦。

imongUID: 140258

Roger.

Thanks very much！:)