ISSUE16 偶是新人，希望大家多多帮助！

ValentinerUID: 121676

ISSUE 16  
Although many people think that the luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life are entirely harmless, in fact, they actually prevent people from developing into truly strong and independent individuals.
尽管很多人认为现在奢侈安逸的生活是无害的，但实际上这样的生活阻止了人们培养坚强独立的性格

Luxuries and facilities, fruits of civilization and modernization, which plays an indispensable role in contemporary society, have brought about great changes and revolutions in people’s life. The speaker comes up with a dilemma between the conveniences and negative influences that the social progress has brought us, and he holds that although it is thought that luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life do no harm to individuals, they actually prevent people from developing some beneficial habits and characteristics.  I agree with his claim insofar as we tend to lose our spirits of dependence and gumption easily when enjoy the comfort and easiness of modern life, which hinders further self-improvement.

Luxuries and conveniences, admittedly, have led to the enhancement in the quality of people’s life, including clothing, food, housing, and transportation, etc., which make human beings live so easily and comfortably. Clothes can be brought already made, food can be brought cooked, canned or preserved, and the maintenance of house can be done in a few hours with modern applications. While the quality of life is on the rise, however, some favorable habits such as diligence, assiduity and simplicity tend to be replaced by laziness, dependence and extravagance, which do harms to the further self-improvement, or even jeopardize the accomplishments that has already achieved. As Lu Xun, one of the greatest literators in Chinese history, once said (and I paraphrase), overemphasis laid on the pursuit for comfort of life will dull one’s insights and thoughts, the facilities sometimes can be the obstacles in the way to success. Many great figures in the history have suffered from starvation, poverty, and isolation etc., however, nearly all of them have attributed their achievements to the adversity they had experienced, for only trying experiences can help to develop one’s spirits of endurance and resolution, which inevitably do contributions to the future success.

Contemporary facilities, on the other hand, have changed human life style because of its convenience and high efficiency; meanwhile, some traditional ways of living is gradually abandoned by modern people, which prevents individuals from fully developed. A case in point is the widely use of computer, which can be considered as the greatest invention that changes human life fundamentally after the invention of television. A programme, which can point out the errors in spelling, makes people more and more dependent on the typewriting, for they don’t have to go over after finishing writing like handwriting. However, the ability of spelling is on a dramatic decline these years partly due to this dependence; nearly 43 percent of the people who have receive high education will commit more than 10 spelling errors while writing a letter including 500 words with a pen, according to a survey done by several socialists in Luton University in Britain.

Facilities of modern society and cultivation of independence, however, are not mutually exclusive, moreover, if reasonably used, the luxuries and facilities of contemporary life are on the whole harmless. A case cited often is the Japanese policy on education. Teenagers in Japan usually have the lessons of farm work which require a great deal of physical efforts but can totally be done by machines in present Japan. Yet these lessons don’t aim at how to manage farm work, but to cultivate students form a strong will and ceaseless diligence.

Luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life, on the whole, are harmless as long as used in a reasonable and abstemious way, since all the fruits of the social progress must serve as a propelling force to expedite rather than hamper individuals to better their self-improvement and only in this way can a nation maintain a both sustained and sound social development.

总共大概用时一个半小时，汗~~~，全文共609个字，希望大家拍砖，一定要狠狠的拍~~~~
Valentiner谢谢了先！！

dawnspeakerUID: 152586

ISSUE 16
Although many people think that the luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life are entirely harmless, in fact, they actually prevent people from developing into truly strong and independent individuals.


Luxuries and facilities, fruits of civilization and modernization(这个同位语用的有创意,可是civilization 和 modernization两词并列的列于此不好.因为前者是一状态,而后者指的是一过程，如果Vale是想表达褒的意思，建议：fruits of modernization and diamonds of civilization...), which plays an indispensable role in contemporary society, have brought about great changes and revolutions in people’s life. The speaker comes up with a dilemma between the conveniences and negative influences that the social progress has brought us, and he(he/she) holds that although it is thought that luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life do no harm(do no harm过于绝对，与后文矛盾了。建议：->instant/notable harm) to individuals, they actually prevent people from developing some beneficial habits and characteristics. I agree with his claim insofar as we tend to lose our spirits of dependence（independence） and gumption easily when enjoy（－ing） the comfort and easiness of modern life, which hinders further self-improvement.

Luxuries and conveniences, admittedly, have led to the enhancement in the quality of people’s life, including clothing, food, housing, and transportation, etc., which make human beings live so easily and comfortably. Clothes can be brought（这儿都是bought吧） already made, food can be brought cooked, canned or preserved, and the maintenance of house can be done in a few hours with modern applications. （这些东西不应该叫luxuries吧，倒都挺像necessities）While the quality of life is on the rise, however, some favorable habits such as diligence, assiduity and simplicity tend to be replaced by laziness, dependence and extravagance, which (语气过于强烈肯定了，建议：加上may, might都好,will possibly) do harms to the further self-improvement, or even jeopardize (jeopardize 这个词很不常用，用在这儿不知道对不对，但强烈建议不要用。jeopardize：To expose to loss or injury; imperil.)the accomplishments that has already achieved. As Lu Xun, one of the greatest literators in Chinese history, once said (and I paraphrase), overemphasis laid on the pursuit for comfort of life will dull one’s insights and thoughts, the facilities sometimes can be the obstacles in the way to success. Many great figures in the history have suffered from starvation, poverty, and isolation etc., however, nearly all of them have attributed their achievements to the adversity they had experienced, for only trying experiences can help to develop one’s spirits of endurance and resolution, which inevitably do contributions to the future success.（这段有一个缺点：没有一个准确、简明的TS作为本段的第一句话[不过很好的是本段的确是紧紧围绕一个中心展开的]。我认为这很关键）

Contemporary facilities, on the other hand, have changed human life style because of its convenience and high efficiency; meanwhile, some traditional ways of living is gradually abandoned by modern people, which prevents（又一个不加限制的绝对判断。这样表达的论点该如何去证啊，我的天。你得说明所有的instances of abandoning traditional ways 都是有害的——至少也是绝大部分吧。强建议加may或possibly等等，这样本段的结构就很完美了） individuals from fully developed. A case in point is the widely use （application [suggested]）of computer, which can be considered as the greatest invention that changes human life fundamentally after the invention of television. A programme, which can point out the errors in spelling, makes people more and more dependent on the typewriting, for they don’t have to go over after finishing writing like handwriting. However, the ability of spelling is on a dramatic decline these years partly due to this dependence; nearly 43 percent of the people who have receive high education will commit more than 10 spelling errors while writing a letter including 500 words with a pen, according to a survey done by several socialists in Luton University in Britain.

Facilities of modern society and cultivation of independence, however, are not mutually exclusive, moreover, if reasonably used, the luxuries and facilities of contemporary life are on the whole harmless. A case cited often is the Japanese policy on education. Teenagers in Japan usually have the lessons of farm work which require a great deal of physical efforts but can totally be done by machines in present Japan. Yet these lessons don’t aim at how to manage farm work, but to cultivate students form a strong will and ceaseless diligence.

Luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life, on the whole, are harmless as long as used in a reasonable and abstemious way, since all the fruits of the social progress must serve as a propelling force to expedite rather than hamper individuals to better their self-improvement and only in this way can a nation maintain a both sustained and sound social development.（语气太强）

好像vale已经有被拍的思想准备，那我就只提缺点了。

最突出的是关键句子的用词上不准确、不严密——太绝对了。这样很有可能会出问题...犹记得新东方老师的一句话：你要对每一个论断负责。太强烈的语气会造成论证的困难或者逻辑的漏洞…
我觉得一般现在时和"all...must…should"这些词都很少很少用的。

第三个body很好，第四个也不错。开头和结尾稍差一些

另外，建议不要用一些很偏的词。当然如果见过有的地方用过大可放心的用。但如果只知道中文解释就安上去的话，几乎是不可能合适的。

如果是第一篇文章就能写到这个样子，而且只要一个半小时，我是很佩服有这样基础的人的。

多练多想，多多加油。

ValentinerUID: 121676

谢谢dawnspeaker！
偶将你说的错误之处都改正了，但是，觉得第二段想给它写一个很好的TS好像还是有些困难。
觉得你说的很对，我的作文中绝对化的语气很多，但是，有时候觉得老用may, might, possible这样的词，会不会显得论证很没有力度呢？

改正后的全文如下：
Luxuries and facilities, fruits of civilization and diamonds of modernization, which plays an indispensable role in contemporary society, have brought about great changes and revolutions in people’s life. The speaker comes up with a dilemma between the conveniences and negative influences that the social progress has brought us, and he(he/she) holds that although it is thought that luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life do no notable harm(do no harm过于绝对，与后文矛盾了。建议：->instant/notable harm) to individuals, they actually prevent people from developing some beneficial habits and characteristics. I agree with his claim insofar as we tend to lose our spirits of independence and gumption easily when enjoying the comfort and easiness of modern life, which hinders further self-improvement.

Improvement on necessities in the contemporary society, admittedly, have led to the enhancement in the quality of people’s life, including clothing, food, housing, and transportation, etc., which make human beings live so easily and comfortably. Clothes can be bought（这儿都是bought吧） already made, food can be bought cooked, canned or preserved, and the maintenance of house can be done in a few hours with modern applications. （这些东西不应该叫luxuries吧，倒都挺像necessities）While the quality of life is on the rise, however, some favorable habits such as diligence, assiduity and simplicity might tend to be replaced by laziness, dependence and extravagance, which (语气过于强烈肯定了，建议：加上may, might都好,will possibly) do harms to the further self-improvement, or even spoil (jeopardize 这个词很不常用，用在这儿不知道对不对，但强烈建议不要用。jeopardize：To expose to loss or injury; imperil.)the accomplishments that has already achieved. As Lu Xun, one of the greatest literators in Chinese history, once said (and I paraphrase), overemphasis laid on the pursuit for comfort of life will dull one’s insights and thoughts, the facilities sometimes can be the obstacles in the way to success. Many great figures in the history have suffered from starvation, poverty, and isolation etc., however, nearly all of them have attributed their achievements to the adversity they had experienced, for only trying experiences can help to develop one’s spirits of endurance and resolution, which inevitably do contributions to the future success.（这段有一个缺点：没有一个准确、简明的TS作为本段的第一句话[不过很好的是本段的确是紧紧围绕一个中心展开的]。我认为这很关键）

Contemporary facilities, on the other hand, have changed human life style because of its convenience and high efficiency; meanwhile, some traditional ways of living might be gradually abandoned by modern people, which prevents（又一个不加限制的绝对判断。这样表达的论点该如何去证啊，我的天。你得说明所有的instances of abandoning traditional ways 都是有害的——至少也是绝大部分吧。强建议加may或possibly等等，这样本段的结构就很完美了） individuals from fully developed. A case in point is the widely application （application [suggested]）of computer, which can be considered as the greatest invention that changes human life fundamentally after the invention of television. A programme, which can point out the errors in spelling, makes people more and more dependent on the typewriting, for they don’t have to go over after finishing writing like handwriting. However, the ability of spelling is on a dramatic decline these years partly due to this dependence; nearly 43 percent of the people who have receive high education will commit more than 10 spelling errors while writing a letter including 500 words with a pen, according to a survey done by several socialists in Luton University in Britain.

Facilities of modern society and cultivation of independence, however, are not mutually exclusive, moreover, if reasonably used, the luxuries and facilities of contemporary life are on the whole harmless. A case cited often is the Japanese policy on education. Teenagers in Japan usually have the lessons of farm work which require a great deal of physical efforts but can totally be done by machines in present Japan. Yet these lessons don’t aim at how to manage farm work, but to cultivate students form a strong will and ceaseless diligence.

Luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life, on the whole, are harmless as long as used in a reasonable and abstemious way, since all the fruits of the social progress aim to serve as a propelling force to expedite rather than hamper individuals to better their self-improvement, and what’s more, a nation can maintain a both sustained and sound social development in this way.

genie05UID: 30358

希望注意发贴格式，ISSUE和题号之间不要空格,便于整理.谢谢。

ValentinerUID: 121676

不好意思，谢谢提醒，我下次会注意的！

dawnspeakerUID: 152586

但是，有时候觉得老用may, might, possible这样的词，会不会显得论证很没有力度呢？

我觉得论证的力度体现在全文的逻辑结构和例子的组织上。说一些“不负责任”的话只能使文章的logic严重受损。
至少在GRE的阅读文章和范文中，我没有见过用太绝对的语气。即使要说的是一个很明显，斩钉截铁的事情，作者也要用很多词来弱化——给自己留点后路。

ValentinerUID: 121676

嗯，好的，非常感谢dawnspeaker大侠的金玉良言！
我在下一篇里面一定会注意的！