issue7 galaxysong & syd 点评

jxkingUID: 141801

7、"The video camera provides such an accurate and convincing record of contemporary life that it has become a more important form of documentation than written records."  
(523+78 words)
Recently, people are interested in talking about the problem of the preponderance of video over written record. If there is one--which I take leave to doubt-- then it is created by those who have not a full appreciation of documentation, not by those who have a better understanding of advantages and disadvantages of video camera. As far as I am concerned, I fervently believe that the both video and written records are important forms of documentation, whether one outweighs another is quite depends on the case by case circumstance.

Many people may sincerely believe that the video camera which provides an accurate and convincing record of contemporary life can completely substitute the written record. However, one does not have to go far to see that the written records still play a crucial role in documentation. As we know, all the important accords which are signed by the significant persons between nations and paramount certificates which are endued by the authority organizations nowadays remain in the form of written records. In addition, since the advent of paper and invention of printing, the written records have assumed the responsibility of documentation of the important human history and events, meaningful inventions and discoveries, and all other forms of civilization, which exhibits its unshakable status in documentation. Meanwhile, the written records are definitely much cheaper than video records, and thus make them available to almost all the people in the world. Therefore, all these advantages illustrated above indicates the importance of written records and they can not easily terminated.

Some people may also take it granted that the written records are so widely used and almost available to every one that it is no need paying attention to video camera. But a close examination would reveal that this is not the case. A case in point is in the medicine. Although a great deal of fundamental knowledge can be accessed through written records, which it is much more convenient and effective for medical students to learn the basic skill, such as physical examination and operative skill through video. No matter how detailedly the operative methods and procedures are described in the books, the students might be bewildered by the complicated words and even induces a divergence. However, the video would provide much more accurate record of the whole process. Once the students have watch the whole process through video, they would be likely much more difficult to forget the skills and procedures in detail. Under this circumstance, the best method for learning skill is not through written records so much as the video. Thus, the video exerts substantially preponderance in this aspect, and we should make best use of it.

The video camera is supposed to provide a much more genuine and vivifying record of on procedure, which the written record are unable to. Meanwhile, the written records are believed to make note of a much more precise and accurate record of one event, which is the video camera lack this capability. Comment sense and observation tell us that the marriage of modern advanced video camera with traditional useful written records is expected to produce some interesting baby.

To sum up, taking into account what have been discussed above, we can easily draw the conclusion that the both video camera and written records play a utilitarian role in documentation, neither of them can be substituted by another. Without any one of them, the documentation of contemporary life would exhibit a huge discrepancy and big loss. It is high time we place considerable emphasis on taking the advantage of them properly, rather than neglecting one.

angel_naliUID: 148055

文章已经看过。建议如下：
1。本文的point是vidio camera 和 written record 孰重孰轻的问题。
2.你的立场是两者一样重要。你分别采用了两个段落进行论证，那你的第三段的出现就显得有些唐突。或者你把第三段的内容归入第一和第二段，亦或者你可以把它归入end部分。这样是文章的脉络清楚。
3。至于你的论证内容。我认为有些牵强。你的出发点放在了vidio camera 一级written record的好处上，这样行文比较单一，论据不够充分。或许你可以换个思路，分别论证两者的劣势，然后采用互补的方法突出两者的相互依赖性，从而推出两者是一样重要的。这样可能更有说服力。
4。最后，祝你早日康复。Good luck! :)

gdhdannyUID: 125843

我觉得与其说是强调两者的并存性，不如说在不同情况下纪录的需求类型不同。
所以我感觉中立观点的关键是要描述清不同的case，这篇文章展开的就有理有据。
另外同意楼上的关于第三段的看法

galaxysongUID: 152834

“我来，我见，我征服。”很有气势。加油吧！

jxkingUID: 141801

感谢仁兄的精彩点评， 小弟受益不浅。
我8号去北京， 9号上午考试， 天津没有机考考点。
我上面的文章的确是有好多错误，但是毕竟在时间内写的。
用词没有像你那么说的深吧。 我用的词绝对不出新概念4。
我的思路是
1. 读题
2.先固定模板写开头用 （90）
3.写正文段一，主题句+例子+总结+ 反证 （150）
4. 写正文段二，主题句+引用+总结+引申 （150）
5. 写结尾段， 结论+ without + 强调 （60）
6. 写正文段三，根据不同立场或加第三个理由， 或Admittedly, 或 结合一二， （100）

不管怎么说， 写作思路就是这样的了。但愿我能在逻辑上写得更严密点，字数上更少点。

sydUID: 151948

No.1 issue 7 (No. 7) welcome to evaluate my issue. there is oly 2 days left for me.
7、"The video camera provides such an accurate and convincing record of contemporary life that it has become a more important form of documentation than written records."
(523+78 words)
Recently, people are interested[不如改成 THERE IS MUCH DEBATE OVER。。这个是常见了些，但是比较正统，而且不会被ETS 判抄袭] in talking about the problem of the preponderance of video over written record. If there is one--which I take leave to doubt-- then it is created by those who have not[DONT HAVE] a full appreciation of documentation, not by those who have a better understanding of advantages and disadvantages of video camera. As far as I am concerned, I fervently[FEVENT 往往不是理智的选择] believe that the[去THE] both video and written records are important forms of documentation, whether one outweighs another is quite depends[DEPENDENT] on the case by case circumstance.

Many people may sincerely[真诚的相信？] believe that the video camera which provides an accurate and convincing record of contemporary life can completely substitute the written record. However, one does not have to go far to see that the written records still play a crucial role in documentation. As we know, all the important accords which are signed by the significant persons between nations and [THE]paramount certificates which are endued by the authority organizations nowadays remain in the form of written records. In addition, since the advent of paper and invention of printing, the written records have assumed the responsibility of documentation of the important human history and events, meaningful inventions and discoveries, and all other forms of civilization, which exhibits[ESTABLISH] its unshakable status in documentation. Meanwhile, the written records are definitely much cheaper than video records, and thus make them available to almost all the people in the world. Therefore, all these advantages illustrated above indicates the importance of written records and they can not easily terminated.
我还是建议你少列分论点多举例，这样更有说服力，如果你认为论点很多不如选最能支持 的，集中优势兵力，老毛说的。
另外这种各打50大板的文章最好是两相对比着写，分别写一方面不如说A 好 同时B 不好有力。比如在签协议时光照相是不行的，这里就可以顺便贬一下图象记录。（个人意见，仅供参考）

[这里加一个HOWEVER 过度一下，ETS PREFERS]Some people may also take it [FOR]granted that the written records are so widely used and almost available to every one that it is no need paying attention to video camera. But a close examination would reveal that this is not the case. A case in point is in the [LEARNING PROCESS OF MEDICAL STUDENTS]. 这个例子不错Although a great deal of fundamental knowledge can be accessed through written records, which it is much more convenient and effective for medical students to learn the basic skill, such as physical examination and operative skill through video. No matter how detailedly the operative methods and procedures are described in the books, the students might be bewildered by the complicated words and even induces a divergence. However, the video would provide much more accurate[我认为说ACCURATE 不如说是形象，这里图象描述的主要优势是形象] record of the whole process. Once the students have watch the whole process through video, they would be likely much more difficult to forget the skills and procedures in detail. Under this circumstance, the best method for learning skill is not through written records so much as the video. Thus, the video exerts substantially preponderance in this aspect, and we should make best use of it.[最后一句从天而降]这一段就是典型的对比加举例论证，相当于你论证了两次，既用离子说明了图象好，又说明了书面不好，而且也在比较二者，第一段就不如这个好。

The video camera is supposed to provide a much more genuine and vivifying record of on procedure, which the written record are unable to. Meanwhile, the written records are believed to make note of a much more precise and accurate record of one event, which is the video camera lack this capability. Comment[COMMON] sense and observation tell us that the marriage of modern advanced video camera with traditional useful written records is expected to produce some interesting baby.
这个BABY ， :cool: 我希望ETS 可以理解。
这一段可以放在结尾，如果这样你认为正文展开不够，可以将其中一个论点反说，或是极端化，ETS范文长来这一套 :D

To sum up, taking into account what have been discussed above, we can easily draw the conclusion that the both video camera and written records play a utilitarian role in documentation, neither of them can be substituted by another.[的确有逻辑问题，我以后也要注意] Without any one of them, the documentation of contemporary life would exhibit a huge discrepancy and big loss. It is high time we place considerable emphasis on taking the advantage of them properly, rather than neglecting one.


OKAY，想不到你马上就要考试了，个人感觉你还是很不错的，从文章中感觉出来你的熟练度是足够的了，不过提醒你，ETS更在乎逻辑，如果你有许多观点，要注意取舍，选 的例子要强有力的支持你的论点，并且纷纶点要出现在每段开头，最好是紧跟在TRASITIONAL PHRASE 后面。
再看看例文，然后一定得换几个打字环境，适应不同的键盘和屏幕，建议去网吧换者机器打字，还能锻炼抗干扰能力 :D
我也很喜欢恺撒的VENI VENCI VENDI，我还把它作为我在学生会时我的部门的部训 :cool:
最后来句实惠的：
祝杀鸡成功！