Issue71 习作+优秀讨论 by imong

gdhdannyUID: 125843

Issue71
“Spending time alone makes one a better companion to others.”

Syllabus:
Position: neutral
1.独处对个人社会均有意义。
    a)一些人主动或者被动的希望独处；
    b)社会需要个人先独立在合作。（没想到具体的例子）
2.过分强调独处，会缺乏社会认同感。
3.现在的社会想独处很难，更多的情况下需要与外界的沟通。

What is the actual relationship between a congregation and an individual? The notion of the speaker admits the importance of being a good companion to others, meanwhile, it puts more emphasis on the role of individual behavior. As far as I am concerned, each of the two sides relies on the other one, and therefore to make a steady balance between them is a better solution to the question of their relationship.

We are living in a world where personality and innovation is regarded of critical significance, hence, spending time alone benefits not only the individual itself, but also the surrounding community where the individual lives and works as well. On the one hand, spending time alone could fulfill those who have either voluntary or passive demand to be so. Some of the anchorites just find the world too complex and sophisticated for them to live, and therefore a serene place where less human factors was involved would be a better choice. Sometimes a group of people do not want to be alone as the anchorites do from their inherit personalities. Most of the celebrities nowadays always complain about the mass media for the endless interviews, some of which are always keen on touching the privacy of them. They feel that in order to keep their perfect public images, they seems to have no alternatives but to act as the Omnipotent. It seems that there's no privacy of them so personal that it could not be opened to the public, no matter it is fair or not. As to this group of people, a single day of being alone would be no more than expected. On the other hand, the society prefers to unite those who have capability and potential together to make greater contribution rather than to distribute assignment to a group of incompetent individual and expect them to develop their potential little by little. Consequently, for those who have the determination to make a better world, developing yourselves is a prerequisite. It is only by this way could their dream become true.

However, if too much emphasis is put on spending time alone, a lack of social identification may arouse simultaneously. Granted that individuals could broaden their horizon and study on history or other subjects of science by effort of their own, chances are still little for them to realize how much they actually know without a parallel comparison to others. Moreover, even if what they have acquired is masterful, judging from the outside world criteria, they will never be identified unless communication is set up between the world outside and themselves.

In addition, because of the technological development in communication, it is more and more difficult to keep oneself inside a secluded area, what’s more, mostly the thing is being together takes much precedence over than acting alone. Even though basketball is what the American should be proud of, David Stern, the president of NBA, realizes the fact that without opening the world market by taking Yao Ming, who is still an unfledged novice by then, to the NBA family, he will never attract a middle-aged family in Shanghai to watch an American basketball game playing in the Toyota Center. One of the advantages of keeping in touch with the outside world is by communicating, fresh ideas and unexpected surprise will always come into your mind, and therefore makes you a more complete social component.

To sum up, spending time alone could makes one a better companion under some circumstances, while in other cases, the identification of individuality by communicating with the world is also irreplaceable. As a result, to balance the two sides would be a better solution while confronting the conflict of individual and society.

感觉最后一段写得不好。

yelinannanUID: 141405

What is the actual relationship between a congregation and an individual? The notion of the speaker admits the importance of being a good companion to others,(最好另起一句) meanwhile, it puts more emphasis on the role of individual behavior. As far as I am concerned, each of the two sides relies on the other one, and therefore to make a steady balance between them is a better solution to the question(problem好些吧) of their relationship.

We are living in a world where personality and innovation is regarded of critical significance, (最好另起一句)hence, spending time alone benefits not only the individual itself, but also the surrounding community where the individual lives and works as well. On the one hand([U]on one hand[/U] ?), spending time alone could fulfill those who have either voluntary([U]positive[/U] ) or passive demand to be so(没看懂). Some of the anchorites just find the world too complex and sophisticated for them to live([U]live in[/U] ), and therefore a serene place where less human factors was involved would be a better choice. Sometimes a group of people do not want to be alone as the anchorites do from their inherit personalities. Most of the celebrities nowadays always complain about the mass media for the endless interviews, some of which are always keen on touching the privacy of them. They feel that in order to keep their perfect public images, they seems to have no alternatives but to act as the Omnipotent. It seems that there's no privacy of them so personal that it could not be opened to the public(没看懂), no matter([U]whether[/U] ?) it is fair or not. As to this group of people, a single day of being alone would be no more than expected. On the other hand, the society prefers to unite those who have capability and potential together to make greater contribution rather than to distribute assignment to a group of incompetent individual and expect them to develop their potential little by little. Consequently, for those who have the determination to make a better world, developing yourselves is a prerequisite. It is only by this way could their dream become true.

However, if too much emphasis is put on spending time alone, a lack of social identification may arouse simultaneously. Granted that individuals could broaden their horizon and study on history or other subjects of science by effort of their own, chances are still little for them to realize how much they actually know without a parallel comparison to others. Moreover, even if what they have acquired is masterful, judging from the outside world criteria, they will never be identified unless communication is set up between the world outside and themselves.

In addition, because of the technological development in communication, it is more and more difficult to keep oneself inside a secluded area, what’s more, mostly the thing is being together takes much precedence over than acting alone. Even though basketball is what the American should be proud of, David Stern, the president of NBA, realizes the fact that without opening the world market by taking Yao Ming, who is still an unfledged novice by then, to the NBA family, he will never attract a middle-aged family in Shanghai to watch an American basketball game playing in the Toyota Center. One of the advantages of keeping in touch with the outside world is by communicating, fresh ideas and unexpected surprise will always come into your mind, and therefore makes you a more complete social component.

To sum up, spending time alone could makes one a better companion under some circumstances, while in other cases, the identification of individuality by communicating with the world is also irreplaceable. As a result, to balance the two sides would be a better solution while confronting the conflict of individual and society.

1.很多句子应该另起一句的,两个句子间只有用连词才能用",",否则";"或".".
2.有些句子(尤其第一段)很费解,不知是你没表达好,还是我理解差:)
3.topic强调的是makes one a better companion to others,那么花大篇幅写的anchorites主动要求独处celebrities被动要求独处,而不联系到a better companion to others,是不是有跑体嫌疑呢?
4.the first body最后一部分"On the other hand..."你讲的是developing yourselves,给人"社会需要个人先独立在合作"的感觉不明显.而且似乎也没有抓住a better companion to others.

说的也不一定对,大家argue吧:)

gdhdannyUID: 125843

spending time alone could fulfill those who have either voluntary or passive demand to be so = 一个人独处可以满足那些或者主动或者被动对独处又需要的人的要求

It seems that there's no privacy of them so personal that it could not be opened to the public = 好像对于名人来讲，他们没有不可以向公众展示的隐私

第一个body从两方面论述，也就是on the one hand 和 on the other hand。对第一方面，又从主动和被动两方面写。on the other hand的部分可能确实有问题，因为没有想到合适的例子，只好纯论述了:-(

以上是我的解释
还是要谢谢你

四月的迷迭香UID: 154552

What is the actual relationship between a congregation and an individual? The notion of the speaker admits the importance of being a good companion to others, meanwhile, it put more emphasis on the role of individual behavior. As far as I am concerned, each of the two sides relies on the other one, and therefore to make a steady balance between them is a better solution to the question of their relationship.

We are living in a world where personality and innovation is regarded of critical significance, hence, spending time alone benefits not only the individual itself, but also the surrounding community where the individual lives and works as well. On the one hand, spending time alone could fulfill those who have either voluntary or passive demand to be so. Some of the anchorites just find the world too complex and sophisticated for them to live, and therefore a serene place where less human factors was involved would be a better choice. Sometimes a group of people do not want to be alone as the anchorites do from their inherit personalities. Most of the celebrities nowadays always complain about the mass media for the endless interviews, some of which are always keen on touching the privacy of them. They feel that in order to keep their perfect public images, they have no alternatives but to act as the Omnipotent. It seems that there’s no privacy of them so personal that it could not be opened to the public（这句好别扭啊）, no matter it is fair or not. As to this group of people, a single day of being alone would be no more than expected. On the other hand, the society prefers to unite those who have capability and potential together to make greater contribution rather than to distribute assignment to a group of incompetent individual and expect them to develop their potential little by little. Consequently, for those who have the determination to make a better world, developing yourselves is a prerequisite. It is only by this way could their dream become true.

说说我对这段结构的看法。在前半部分（On the one hand）里，作者强调了人们必须独处的客观必然性，论证比较充分，但感觉上都是被动的，并没有反应出Syllabus里“一些人主动或者被动的希望独处“（隐士独处是因为世界在太complex和sophisticated, 名人独处是因为害怕没有隐私）。当然还是说得过去的。在后半部分的论述似乎比较匆忙，没有说清楚”个人需要先独立地完善自己“的必要性，只是说社会更愿意联合有能力的人，倒像是在说合作的必要性了。

However, if too much emphasis is put on spending time alone, a lack of social identification may arouse simultaneously（TS很好！）. Granted that individuals could broaden their horizon and study on history or other subjects of science by effort of their own, chances are still little for them to realize how much they actually know without a parallel comparison to others. Moreover, even if what they have acquired is masterful, judging from the outside world criteria, they will never be identified unless communication is set up between the world outside and themselves.（递进不错）

这一段我觉得论证得很清晰，递进也很有力，一气呵成，PFPF！

In addition, because of the technological development in communication, it is more and more difficult to keep oneself inside a secluded area, （改成句号。）what’s more, mostly the thing is being together（这句好像太牵强了吧，改改？比如说，cooperate with others） takes much precedence over than acting alone. Even though basketball is what the American should be proud of, David Stern, the president of NBA, realizes the fact that without opening the world market by taking Yao Ming, who is still an unfledged novice by then(then指什么时候?前文没提，而且前面用的是一般现在时realizes), to the NBA family, he will never attract a middle-aged family in Shanghai to watch an American basketball game playing in the Toyota Center. One of the advantages of keeping in touch with the outside world is by communicating, fresh ideas and unexpected(去掉吧，不然罗嗦了。Surprise 哪里有expected的：P) surprise will always come into your mind, and therefore makes you a more complete social component.

To sum up, spending time alone could makes（make） one a better companion under some circumstances, while in other cases, the identification of individuality by communicating with the world is also irreplaceable. As a result, to balance the two sides would be a better solution while confronting the conflict of individual and society.

最后一段前半句把under some circumstances改成if one succeed to perfect oneself之类更具体的内容，我觉得更有说服力一些，否则有些含糊了。

总体说来行文流畅，观点也很清晰深入，就是第二段结构再调整一下就更好了。感觉后半部分文章比前半部分好一些。

gdhdannyUID: 125843

It seems that there's no privacy of them so personal that it could not be opened to the public
这句两个人都说别扭了，看来要改改了
只记得当年背的新概念里好像有这么类似的一句，也记不太清了。下次不用了。

第一段那个on the one hand理的隐士，我是当作主动归隐的，毕竟是隐士么，至少中国不少隐士都是主动告老还乡的吧。
[B]on the other hand自己感觉也比较牵强，因为实在没找到合适的例子，不知大伙有何高见。[/B]

by taking Yao Ming, who is still an unfledged novice by then(then 指的是taking Yao Ming...to the NBA family的时候，可能不能这么隔着说吧，嘿嘿), to the NBA family

两个人帮忙改，感动ing

DriverEntryUID: 143979

感觉楼主的表达还是可以的，不过对题目的理解和偶有较大的出入。我觉得题目是“独处使人成为更好的伙伴”。它有很多含糊的地方，比如：什么叫“更好的伙伴”？，什么叫“独处”，是单指物理上，还是包括精神上？而且这个论点粗看上去是矛盾的，如果一个人天天自己呆着，他到最后可能和别人怎么相处都不知道，怎么会成为更好的伙伴呢？所以我觉得论述的重点应该是“独处如何使人成为更好的伙伴？”或者反之。感觉楼主的提纲和这个意思相差较大。
如果我写的话，提纲大概这样：
POSITION：赞同。
1，独处使人独立，才有资格成为别人的伙伴
2，独处使人成熟，可以给同伴带来更大的帮助
3，独处的目的不是为了与世隔绝，而是更好的与他人相处
一家之见，不对的地方大家多包涵。：）

gdhdannyUID: 125843

我觉得你说的立场也有道理啊

只不过是本文强调独处或者群处在某些特定环境下是有不同意义的，这就需要我们具体情况具体分析。在肯定独处的body部分，我思考的角度是必要性，从社会层面和个人层面去说，你考虑的是结果，即独处会带来的好处，是这样吧？

DriverEntryUID: 143979

可能我们对题目的理解重点不一样。你把重点放在“独处”上，我是更强调“独处”和“好伙伴”之间的关系。应该都是可以接受的，呵呵。

yelinannanUID: 141405

同意楼上的,我也是这个意思

coniUID: 137677

我也认为你的文章有点问题，你第一段是在说人们为什么独处，第二段和第三段是在论述独处的弊端。而全文很少论述 companion to others，只是说了一些和communication相关的事情，可是companion 和communication是有很大区别的呀。

其实咱们新东方上课时老师讲的提纲就不错。

我觉得如果题目只是对“独处的看法”，你的就还可以。

嘿，批评你了，别介意呀 ;)

gdhdannyUID: 125843

同意楼上三位的

想了半天，觉得还是有点偏了 :(

现在脑子比较乱，有一点还是不太明白
与外界交流和to be better companion有什么区别和联系呢

YevgrafUID: 154550

我觉得这是一个是非命题。“独处能/未必能使人成为他人的好伙伴。”issue持“能”的态度。我们主要是同意/驳斥issue的态度并阐明自己的观点。至于独处的动机，情况，只要和最终目的：“成为他人好伙伴”没有逻辑联系，则可不必详加讨论。

感觉gdhdanny的文章似乎是在说“孤独”而不只是“花时间一个人呆着”。个人理解了。

与外界交流和be better companion不是一个阶段的事情。communication是独处时的事件，而be better companion是独处已经结束后的事件。

DriverEntryUID: 143979

“communication是独处时的事件，而be better companion是独处已经结束后的事件。
”这句不太苟同。偶的理解是：
communication：是比较泛泛的交流，比如买东西时讨价还价也属此列
be better companion：程度就深了。有一种对人关心，帮助的意思在里面。最典型的可以说是夫妻双方之间的关系了。

forwwwUID: 154260

“Spending time alone makes one a better companion to others.”
我感觉这句话要，要是持反对意见的话，也就是：总是和别人呆着并不能够使人成为一个更好的伙伴。所以你应更强调，独处对成为好伙伴的好处。所以如果修改你的syllabus:
Position: neutral
1.总是和别人呆着并不有利于成为一个好伙伴。
2.社会需要个人先独立在合作。（正面）
3.过分强调独处，会缺乏社会认同感。（反面）
4.不但要留出时间独处，也要适当的与外界的沟通，这样才能成为一个好伙伴。

gdhdannyUID: 125843

谢谢楼上的
我觉得很有道理的说
特别是那个提纲
这才是我的意思啊