高手大虾来看看这篇雅思作文能得几分吧？

mspanUID: 3483247

如题，考场作文，各位大虾帮忙评评呗~~

Some people think a rise in standard of living in a country only seems to benefit cities more than rural areas. What problems may those differences cause? How to reduce this problem?

The living standard in many countries has seen a significant in recent years. However, there is a widely held opinion that this improvement can only benefit cities rather than rural areas. I am going to analyse what problems this difference might cause and how to tackle these problems.
One problem is that the wealth gap will widen because the government is likely to invest more money in city's constructions. For instance, the local authorities will allocate money in traffic infrastructures, which will promote citizen's living standard largely. On the other hand, people in rural areas will find it difficult to develop and construct road network because of the insufficient money. They are less likely to attract foreign investment due to the inconvenient transportation, thereby restrict local economic growth and the wealth gap will be even deeper.
Another problem of imbalanced development in urban and rural areas is that the society will become unrest. Children in urban areas can easily improve their living standard by acquiring university education. This remains to be a preserve of city residents to some extent and it is extremely difficult for children from deprived backgrounds to have equal access. People from the bottom of the society are likely to commit crime because they are not well-educated and feel unfair of their living conditions. This will contribute to the social unstability.
To tackle these problems, the government is advocated to give more opportunities to rural areas and people living there. The government should invest more in rural constructions, such as transportation and healthcare. These practices will be beneficial to their well-being. The government should provide children from rural areas with more opportunities to advanced studies. This can help them get advantages in future job market.
To summarise, the difference between cities and rural areas will lead to wider wealth gap and unstable society. And these problems can be mitigated if the government pay closer attention to the investment in rural areas.

nygiantsUID: 3456317

1. The living standard in many countries has a significant improvement in recent years.
2. However 删掉。没有转折关系
3. 第一段应标明，why benefit more cities than rural areas, bring problems A B C
4. wealth gap 和 city construction 没有必然联系应改为attract more investments
5. cities’
6. citizens’
7. It is more difficult for them
8. unstable
9. privilege
10. facilities
11. pays

nygiantsUID: 3456317

我觉得写的OK，逻辑性不够，交通，吸引外资，贫富差异较大，医疗，受教育程度，社会不稳定的逻辑关系不清楚。transportation=>attract more investments=> gap widen 这条OK 除此之外都需要修改

mspanUID: 3483247

nygiants 发表于 2013-11-11 16:43
我觉得写的OK，逻辑性不够，交通，吸引外资，贫富差异较大，医疗，受教育程度，社会不稳定的逻辑关系不清楚 ...

你觉得能得多少分呢

nygiantsUID: 3456317

mspan 发表于 2013-11-11 19:09
你觉得能得多少分呢

6肯定有了。不到7，如果不挑well reasoning的话，语法错误也有些多。我觉得你要把语法错误降到最低，尤其第一句话，这种开篇错误太明显，大扣分，还有一些词，比如unstable 不太会用多重复几次熟悉的没有关系，一定要做到准确。well reasoning 的错误也不少，rural 和高等学校没直接关系，很多老外的top school都在很村儿的地方。所以参照下面，如果我评分，就6-6.5了

Band 7: Good user: has operational command of the language, though with occasional inaccuracies, inappropriacies and misunderstandings in some situations. Generally handles complex language well and understands detailed reasoning.

Band 6: Competent user: has generally effective command of the language despite some inaccuracies, inappropriacies and misunderstandings. Can use and understand fairly complex language, particularly in familiar situations.

mspanUID: 3483247

nygiants 发表于 2013-11-12 09:50
6肯定有了。不到7，如果不挑well reasoning的话，语法错误也有些多。我觉得你要把语法错误降到最低，尤其 ...

恩恩谢谢啦