英语大拿们请看一下这一篇雅思作文能得几分？拜谢！拜谢！

jasonlin2010UID: 3493455

题目是：
Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

然后搜肠刮肚写了一篇，查了几个单词。
Nowadays some people argue that children should learn how to be good behavior in the society, while others think that school education should take this responsibility. In my opinion, school should be the place teaching children how to study good manner.

First, school is a mini-scale society which greatly influence youth in forming manner and behavior which could have deeply impact to their study and career in the future. Learning how to get along with peers while competing or cooperating with them is helpful for the personality development.  So, School is a important place to educate children how to be a good member of society.  

Moreover, teenager spend their most of time in the school life with classmates and teachers comparing that with the parents who always need to tackle with their work or be tired of commuting every work day. That means they have not enough energy and time to take part in children’s daily activity.

That is not to say that parents education is not important in this procedure. Of course, parents also could teach their children to be good moral character for children always imitating their closest adult. But if the parents are not professional in educating or act inappropriately, they would not take the duty of educating belonging to school.  

In conclusion, school should play a key role in this teaching good behavior in the society, meanwhile parents must be act properly to be a moral model of kids. By doing so we can make sure that children will act appropriately in their future life and will be benefit from it.


想想又查了些单词和百度一下，修改了一番：
Nowadays some people argue that children should learn how to be good behavior in the society, while others think that school education should take this responsibility. In my opinion, school should be the place teaching children how to study good manner.

First, school is a mini-scale society which greatly influence kids in developing character and behavior which could have deeply impact to their study and career in the future. Learning how to get along with their peers while competing or cooperating with them is helpful for the personality development. So, School life with various rules and regulations is so significant in educating children how to be a good member of society.  

Moreover, teenager spend their most of time in the school with classmates and teachers, considering that their parents always have to tackle with their work or be tired of commuting every work day which might cost energy and time by ignoring to take part in children’s daily activity.

That is not to say that parents education is not important in this procedure of education. Of course, parents could also teach their children to cultivate good moral character for children always imitating the adult who is closest. But if the parents are not professional in educating or act inappropriately, they would not take the duty of educating should have belonged to school.

In conclusion, school should play a key role in this teaching good behavior in the society, meanwhile parents must be act properly to be a moral model of kids. By doing so we can make sure that children will act appropriately in their future life and will be benefit from it.

请英语大侠们不吝赐教！！！给估计一个分数，明年的计划可全靠雅思了，不然这辈子出不去了:mad: