issue19 请拍

DriverEntryUID: 143979

19"If a society is to thrive, it must put its own overall success before the well-being of its individual citizens."

A society is made up of lots of individual citizens, and in most cases, the overall success of society depends on endeavors of individual citizens. So the society should not put its own overall success before the well-being of its individual citizens except for some particular situations such as in a war.

Firstly, since individual citizens comprise a society, overall success of a society means the well-being of its citizens. For one thing, overall success of a society relies on hard work of individuals. If every citizen tries his or her best to accomplish his or her work, then the whole society will easily become prosperous and accumulate a great fortune. For another, if the society becomes wealthy, then its citizens usually become wealthy too, for the society has more fortune to be allocated to its citizens. When individual citizens’ hard work earns reasonable honors and wealth for citizens, they will be spurred to work harder and thus in turn contribute to the development of the society. On the contrary, if the society withholds its fortune or most of those governors occupy the fortune, then people will gradually lose the stimulus to work hard and the whole society will develop slowly.

Secondly, society should not only pursue a majority of people's well-being, and sacrifice the minority. Because every citizen is equal, the majority should not neglect the need of minority. For example, the deaf people are the minority of a society, but their well-being should not be neglect. When they watch TV program, they could not hear the sounds and have difficulties in understanding plots if there is no captions on the screen. Although adding captions on the screen will increase the cost and only use for minority, the majority should not escape doing so. When the well-being of both the minority and majority is obtained, the society will truly get overall success.

Otherwise, the minority will be disappointed about the society if their well-being are neglect. After a long term, this kind of feeling will accumulate greater and greater and influence many people in majorities. At last, this dissatisfaction will probably result in a war. American Civil War is a case in point. The negligence of the needs of black, the minority, is an important clue leading to the war.

Thirdly, in some particular cases, the society has to sacrifice well-being of some people to reach a overall success. For instance, when the nation is combating with another, soldiers' well-being is usually be sacrificed. They have to risk their lives to fight and usually be hurt. However, their scarifications are good to the whole society. Without them, the society will suffer greater disasters.

To sum up, in most cases, the overall success of society agrees with the well-being of individual citizens. The society should not sacrifice some citizens' well-being except that such sacrifice will truly benefit the whole society and the citizens are willing to do so.

dezhiUID: 156141

19"If a society is to thrive, it must put its own overall success before the well-being of its individual citizens."

A society is made up of lots of individual citizens, and in most cases, the overall success of society depends on endeavors of individual citizens. So the society should not put its own overall success before the well-being of its individual citizens except for some particular situations such as in a war.（这里的因果关系不成立，是不是在So句中多加了一个not？）

Firstly, since individual citizens comprise a society, overall success of a society means the well-being of its citizens. For one thing, overall success of a society relies on hard work of individuals. If every citizen tries his or her best to accomplish his or her work, then the whole society will easily become prosperous and accumulate a great fortune. For another, if the society becomes wealthy, then its citizens usually become wealthy too, for the society has more fortune to be allocated to its citizens. When individual citizens’ hard work earns reasonable honors and wealth for citizens, they will be spurred to work harder and thus in turn contribute to the development of the society. On the contrary, if the society withholds its fortune or most of those governors occupy the fortune, then people will gradually lose the stimulus to work hard and the whole society will develop slowly.

Secondly, society should not only pursue a majority of people's well-being, and sacrifice the minority. Because every citizen is equal, the majority should not neglect the need of minority. For example, the deaf people are the minority of a society, but their well-being should not be neglect（这里就用过去分词）. When they watch TV program, they could not hear the sounds and have difficulties in understanding plots if there is no captions on the screen. Although adding captions on the screen will increase the cost and only use（此处就用can only be used） for minority, the majority should not escape doing so. When the well-being of both the minority and majority is obtained, the society will truly get overall success.

Otherwise, the minority will be disappointed about the society if their well-being are neglect（问题同上）. After a long term, this kind of feeling will accumulate greater and greater and influence many people in majorities. At last, this dissatisfaction will probably result in a war. American Civil War is a case in point. The negligence of the needs of black, the minority, is an important clue leading to the war.

Thirdly, in some particular cases, the society has to sacrifice well-being of some people to reach a overall success. For instance, when the nation is combating with another, soldiers' well-being is usually be（这里的be多余） sacrificed. They have to risk their lives to fight and usually be hurt（这个句子好像有问题！）. However, their scarifications are good to the whole society. Without them, the society will suffer greater disasters.

To sum up, in most cases, the overall success of society agrees with the well-being of individual citizens. The society should not sacrifice some citizens' well-being except that such sacrifice will truly benefit the whole society and the citizens are willing to do so.

全文思路清晰，始终围绕主题展开。
行文流畅，语言不错，
只是个人觉得，第二段读起来有些绕来绕去的感觉，主客体变换太过频繁。

coolwitsUID: 149150

19"If a society is to thrive, it must put its own overall success before the well-being of its individual citizens."

A society is made up of lots of individual citizens, and in most cases, the overall success of society depends on endeavors of individual citizens. So the society should not put its own overall success before the well-being of its individual citizens except for some particular situations such as in a war.

Firstly, since individual citizens comprise a society, overall success of a society means the well-being of its citizens.[这里换个说法吧，改成两者相互联系比较好]For one thing, overall success of a society relies on hard work[这里progress比较好] of individuals. If every citizen tries his or her best to accomplish his or her work, then the whole society will easily become prosperous and accumulate a great fortune. For another, if the society becomes wealthy, then its citizens usually become wealthy too, for the society has more fortune to be allocated to its citizens.[for那句没什么必要] When individual citizens’ hard work earns reasonable honors and wealth for citizens, they will be spurred to work harder and thus in turn contribute to the development of the society. On the contrary, if the society withholds its fortune or most of those governors occupy the fortune, then people will gradually lose the stimulus to work hard and the whole society will develop slowly.

Secondly, society should not only pursue a majority of people's well-being, and sacrifice the minority.[pursue the majority's well-being at the cost of that of the minority] Because every citizen is equal, the majority should not neglect the need of minority. For example, the deaf people are the minority of a society, but their well-being should not be neglect. When they watch TV program, they could not hear the sounds and have difficulties in understanding plots if there is no captions on the screen. Although adding captions on the screen will increase the cost and only use for minority, the majority should not escape doing so. When the well-being of both the minority and majority is obtained, the society will truly get overall success.
[例子不错]

Otherwise, the minority will be disappointed about the society if their well-being are neglect. After a long term, this kind of feeling will accumulate greater and greater and influence many people in majorities. At last, this dissatisfaction will probably result in a war. American Civil War is a case in point. The negligence of the needs of black, the minority, is an important clue leading to the war.
[civil war好像是积极意义的把。怎么能左反例]

Thirdly,[这里however比较好巴] in some particular cases, the society has to sacrifice well-being of some people to reach a overall success. For instance, when the nation is combating with another, soldiers' well-being is usually be sacrificed. They have to risk their lives to fight and usually be hurt. However, their scarifications are good to the whole society. Without them, the society will suffer [from] greater disasters.
[觉得这个例子不大好，服兵役是义务阿]

To sum up, in most cases, the overall success of society agrees with the well-being of individual citizens. The society should not sacrifice some citizens' well-being except that such sacrifice will truly benefit the whole society and the citizens are willing to do so.
[写得很不错]

so猫UID: 148633

19"If a society is to thrive, it must put its own overall success before the well-being of its individual citizens."

A society is made up of lots of individual citizens, and in most cases, the overall success of society depends on endeavors of individual citizens. Soso最好表当作一个句子的开头 element of style里面有提过 最好是用分号连接 the society should not put its own overall success before the well-being of its individual citizens except for some particular situations such as in a war.好简洁的开头!

Firstly, since individual citizens comprise a society, overall success of a society means the well-being of its citizens. For one thing, overall success of a society relies on hard work of individuals. If every citizen tries his or her best to accomplish his or her work, then the whole society will easily become prosperous and accumulate a great fortune这个词组啥意思?!. For anotherfor the other, if the society becomes wealthy, then去了 its citizens usually become wealthy too, for the society has more fortune to be allocated to its citizens. When individual citizens’ hard work earns reasonable honors and wealth for citizens, they will be spurred to work harder and thus in turn contribute to the development of the society. On the contrary, if the society withholds its fortune or most of those governors occupy the fortune, then people will gradually lose the stimulus to work hard and the whole society will develop slowly.

Secondly, society should not only pursue a majority of people's well-being, and sacrifice the minority. Because every citizen is equal, the majority should not neglect the need of minority. For example, the deaf people are the minority of a society, but their well-being should not be neglect. When they watch TV program, they could not hear the sounds and have difficulties in understanding plots if there is no captions on the screen. Although adding captions on the screen will increase the cost and only use for minority, the majority should not escape doing so. When the well-being of both the minority and majority is obtained, the society will truly get overall success.

Otherwise, the minority will be disappointed about the society if their well-being are neglect. After a long term, this kind of feeling will accumulate greater and greater and influence many people in majorities. At last, this dissatisfaction will probably result in a war. American Civil War is a case in point. The negligence of the needs of black, the minority, is an important clue leading to the war.这上两段可以弄到一段里面去吧~~~

Thirdly, in some particular cases, the society has to sacrifice well-being of some people to reach a overall success. For instance, when the nation is combating with another, soldiers' well-being is usually be sacrificed. They have to risk their lives to fight and usually be hurt. However, their scarifications are good to the whole society. Without them, the society will suffer greater disasters. 这让步让的也太少了吧~~

To sum up, in most cases, the overall success of society agrees with the well-being of individual citizens. The society should not sacrifice some citizens' well-being except that such sacrifice will truly benefit the whole society and the citizens are willing to do so.很中庸的结尾呢~~~~
还算条理什么的都清楚啦
语法后面的我就没有改了
逻辑上 我觉得body1里面的东西太多了
而body 2 3其实是一个论点的正反 不应该分开
body4 写的过于简洁~

DriverEntryUID: 143979

to dezhi :第2段的体是有点绕，因为我是想说明社会和个人2者之间相互促进的关系。下次再找找有无更好的表达方式。呵呵
TO COOLWITS：美国内战那个例子是想说，如果主流社会不注意少数人的福利（比如黑人）就会导致战争。不知道对不对。
当兵那个有强迫的，也有志愿兵啊，可能没说清楚。
TO SO猫：BODY 2，3是可以合到一起的，当时觉得放在一起长了点，所以就分开了。：）
BODY4 让步是稍微单薄了些。因为写到后面有点累了。呵呵。

总之多谢各位了。：）