求改雅思作文！！！~~~

樱落满城UID: 3464254

求大牛帮忙改下作文！！我的语法和短语搭配都比较薄弱，第一次雅思写作只有6，突击了一阵子不知道有没有进步。。。请高手帮看看都有哪些错误？？（文章已经过自己修改啦！~）
题目：Our food has been changed by technological advances.some people think that is a positive improvement,while others think it is harmful. Discuss both the view and give your own opinion.

As a result of technological progress,what we eat in our daily life has been changed dramatically.

Some people think that is a positive development because advanced technology contributes to automation and mass production.It means that the labour required and the time needed in the process of production are saved significantly.Therefore,customers could enjoy a relatively low food price due to the decrease on cost price.Moreover,improved food transportation methods bring a wide variety of consuming choices to customers.For example,not only does local foods are available to consumers,but also diverse foods from different areas even foreign countries are obtainable.Furthermore,with latest equipments and scientific production techniques,customers could have access to genetically-modified products and greenhouse vegetables.

However,others argue that there are also  drawbacks that should not be ignored.Technological advances may pose a risk to people’s health.For instance,in order to better food taste or to extend the date of durability ,a certain level of additives and preservatives are added in the productive process.It is quiet possible for these chemical substances contain a small number of Carcinogens or poisonous substances which would do harm to eaters.The growing number of food safety problems in recent years is a good proof of it.

From my point of view,regardless of the enormous advantages brought by modern technology,it is still could not draw a safety conclusion that these techniques can always be beneficial to human beings.Consequently, for the sake of consumer’s fitness,effective supervision and regulation on food inspection from food administration are necessarily.And only when a sound supervision mechanism and a well-organized reward and punishment system been enforced effectively,can technological improvements bring us as much as benefits to humankind.

喵呜~UID: 3339380

参加一下雅思写作互改小组吧~~