[分享]每日一评！3.4！考虑整体结构的组织

imongUID：140258

每日一评：考虑整体结构的组织
Issue115
"It is through the use of logic and of precise, careful measurement that we become aware of our progress. Without such tools, we have no reference points to indicate how far we have advanced or retreated."

Do we need careful measurements and logic to determine whether and to what extent we are progressing or regressing? I agree that in certain endeavors quantitative measurements and logical analysis of data are essential for this purpose. However, in other realms objective data provides little guidance for determining progress. My view applies to individuals as well as society as a whole. 说明对个人和社会而言都要就具体领域进行讨论. 然后则是：二乘二，洋洋洒洒四大段——

As for monitoring individual progress, the extent to which careful measurement and logical analysis of data are required depends on the specific endeavor.和主题联系得很紧密 In the area of personal finance, objective measurements are critical. We might feel that we are advancing financially when we buy a new car or a better home, or when our salary increases. Yet these signs of personal economic success can be deceptive. Cars depreciate quickly in value, and residential real estate must appreciate steadily to offset ownership expenses. Even a pay raise is no sure sign of personal financial progress; if the raise fails to keep pace with the cost of living then the real salary is actually in decline. 观点很清楚，例子也很贴切。

In the area of one's physical well-being, however, quantitative measurement might be useful yet insufficient. Quantitative data such as blood pressure, cholesterol level, and body weight are useful objective indicators of physical health. Yet quantitative measurement and logic can only take us so far when it comes to physical well-being. Levels of physical discomfort and pain, the most reliable indicators of physical well-being, cannot be quantified. And of course our emotional and psychological well-being, which can have a profound impact on our physical health, defy objective measurement altogether. 看到这里的感觉就是这两段的例子实在是非常到位，基本上是可以做到persuasive的，最后一句的defy这个词用得很好，一个句子用了一个好动词整个就活了。

On a societal level, as on a personal level, the extent to which careful measurement and logic are needed to determine progress depends on the endeavor.说明仍然是分情况 In macro-economics, as in personal finance, objective measurements are critical. For example, a municipality, state, or nation might sense that things are improving economically when its rate of unemployment declines. Yet if new jobs are in poor-paying positions involving unskilled labor, this apparent advance might actually be a retreat. 前后的例子很相似 And, a boom in retail sales might amount to regress if the goods sold are manufactured by foreign firms, who benefit from the boom at the expense of domestic business expansion. Technological progress also requires careful measurement. Advances is computer technology can only be determined by such factors as processing and transfer speeds, numbers of installations and users, amounts of data accessed, and so forth. And, advances in biotechnology are determined by statistical measurements of the effectiveness of new drugs and other treatments, and by demographic statistics regarding the incidence of the ailments that the technology seeks to ameliorate.前面是一个有让步的内容，后面是一个基本完全支持的内容，这里组织顺序的安排也许应该调整一下。

In contrast, socio-political progress is less susceptible to objective measurement. For instance, progress in social welfare might be measured by the number of homeless people, incidence of domestic violence, or juvenile crime rate. Yet would an increase in the number of single mothers on welfare indicate that our society is becoming more compassionate and effective in helping its victims, or would it indicate regress by showing that our private sector and education systems are failing? Moreover, when it comes to our legal system and to politics, progress has little to do with numbers, or even logic. For example, to what extent, if any, would more lenient gun ownership laws indicate progress, considering the competing interests of individual freedom and pubic safety? Do anti-abortion laws indicate a sociological advance or retreat? Or, when a political party gains greater control of a legislature by sweeping a particular election, is this progress or regress? 连续反问作为例子，不过在For example之前最好还能有一两句说明。

In sum, although the statement has merit, it unfairly generalizes. In areas such as finance, economics, and computing technology, all of which involve nothing but quantifiable data, nothing but careful measurement and logic suffice to determine the extent of progress. In other areas, such as health care and social welfare, determining progress requires both objective measurement and subjective judgment. Finally, progress in politics and law is an entirely subjective matter--depending on each individual's values, priorities, and interests.这个结尾有种一把抓的感觉。

这篇文章的例证基本都是很到位的。文章从4个方面展开，各个方面都进行了例证支持，总体分析略少一些，但是影响不是太大。有问题的是organization，可以看出作者对原题的态度是有让步的反对，这个东西和depend on specific situation还是略有区别的，区别在balance的程度上面。一般如果说depend on specific situation往往会写两面互有作用互相制衡基本balance无法偏好，而像这篇文章，其实是在个别方面肯定而主要笔墨在于反对。例如两个例子：personal finance和social economy后面都有一个however -> deceptive的让步，如果是balance的写法是不会这样紧接着就提出来的。前后语气上有所变化了。

连带着这个问题和加强整体的统领，我觉得文章从一开始就可以表明这种有让步的反对的态度，然后for individual两部分基本上可以不变，部分用词微调就可以。后面society的时候则要把叙述顺序改改，让步的放前面，然后后面多加几句分析论述的内容，不要老是论点加例子，把前后的承接，转折，语气都做足了，结尾的时候一收，广泛展开加上深入分析，就是6分的范文了。当然，目前这篇文章至少是5分的说。

paisleyUID：64183

感谢imong！