雅思作文 求批改 求细虐

粥中粮UID: 3493403

topic:
some people believe that children are given too much free time. they feel this time should be used to do more school work. to what extend do you agree?

my draft:
It is controversial issue that whether the children should be allowed more spare time or not. From my perspective, I believe that it does not matter how much spare time children are given, as long as they are really engaged in some beneficial activities

On one hand, given more free time means teenagers are more accessible to a wide range of extra-curricular activities. It is through these various games or sports that young children develop their social skills as well as boost their physical and mental well-being. By joining in all kinds of group games, youngsters can learn how to interact with others, express their opinions, or even learn how to deal with conflicts. In addition, according to some research, Adolescents who own more leisure time to play with their peers, instead surrounding by their parents, tend to be more independent and confident, because they understand what their strengths and interests lie in, and thus being good at enjoying themselves.
On the other hand, without proper guidance of their parents and teachers, youngsters may spend too much time in idle or worthless activities, such as television, computer games, or internet. These actions not only have few positive impacts on their studying and life, but also may induce to a number of offences. Because teens are more vulnerable to the contents they accept from mass media, which contains enormous unpleasant violence and crime.
Despite of these considerations, I still hold the belief that children could be given enough freedom to release their nature. Meanwhile our parents and teachers should offer reasonable and creative advices to help them arrange the free time.  

粥中粮UID: 3493403

请大家提提建议啊，有什么问题？在此谢过了

purple_kiteUID: 2810391

粥中粮 发表于 2014-4-5 09:05
请大家提提建议啊，有什么问题？在此谢过了

問題很多啊，題目的語法都錯了people believe寫成people are believe，而且你把draft寫成drift，樓主自己為何不先檢查一遍？這樣的粗心只會讓人懷疑是否值得改。

yeyeshaneUID: 3153575

还有建议加入我们雅思专门的写作备考小组~详情请戳：https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1714425-1-1.html

粥中粮UID: 3493403

kaywoo 发表于 2014-4-8 09:09
問題很多啊，題目的語法都錯了people believe寫成people are believe，而且你把draft寫成drift，樓主自 ...

多谢，ka版主的建议。。:handshake