文书写作二三谈（长文，持续更新）

tjz200611UID: 3543431

想学习

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感谢楼主无私分享

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醍醐灌顶，感谢分享~！

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aylya025 发表于 2014-7-17 09:50
OMG楼主在美帝长居吧，理解能力见解完爆

这算不上完爆.....我只能说我知道的接触过的...不懂的也不敢瞎说。

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weijian629 发表于 2014-7-19 18:21
期待楼主经验

什么经验？

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回复@！！！！！！！看样子真的是肺腑之言~ 果断还是要自己写文书啊

ronnie0620UID: 3454029

膜拜，学习！

aylya025UID: 2893448

GWGWGW 发表于 2014-7-21 10:17
这算不上完爆.....我只能说我知道的接触过的...不懂的也不敢瞎说。

想多说两句，你写的很长很用心客观真实，非常谢谢你给大家带来的信息从一个旁观者的角度(抱歉理科生词语匮乏)，而不是一味的灌心灵鸡汤或者是消极冷眼式的文章，申请过程很大一部分程度缺乏的是信息不畅就是信息不对等的问题。因为信息不对称，国内学生会走很多弯路，就接触过的C9同学来看，大部分实力差别不是想像中的那么大，只是他们掌握的信息比我们多太多，所谓方向比努力更重要。
最后再次感谢你，思维很有深度。

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多谢楼主指点

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看看，应该很有用的

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好文，mark

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CASE 4 胡搅蛮缠瞎写的

Despite leadership often being perceived as the role of a nominated individual within a team, there has been a growing amount of recognition within the business community of the importance of leadership being shown by individual team members. In an age of mobile networks, project-based teams spanning multiple continents, and business processes which have become more fluid, leadership, defined as the ability to take the responsibility for decisions made and to have the initiative to take those decisions, has become all the more crucial.
读了第一段，感觉是哪个academic journal还是杂志上直接摘过来。这是写给商学院的essay，跟整天研究leadership的人说官话吊书袋，岂不是找虐找挑战？please do not lecture the reader！！！

最后一句话逻辑显然有问题。正常人都是先做决定然后承担这个决定带来的后果，就像女人先怀胎九月生个孩子然后再养，没有人先养孩子再生孩子吧。不知道作者是deliberate insult还是innocent oversight. 反正我是打死都没法相信这样的东西提交上去会有top 10 mba的奖学金。 语法上也有flaw作者写了一个很长的句子。核心是说leadership has become all the more crucial 在In an age of mobile networks 后加了两个短句子当修饰成分，玩弄技巧但是貌似没写对啊..

One example of leadership’s importance in the global workforce comes from the work I did on the China Mobile benchmarking project, which was my first project at KPMG Advisory, having transferred there in 2011 after 2 years of working as an auditor for KPMG. Working to multiple tight deadlines, the senior manager overlooking the account delegated responsibility to me for leading of a team made up of both my Chinese colleagues, including two new interns, a new employee at KPMG advisor, as well as two Portuguese colleagues, to meet with the client. As it was a benchmarking project, the meetings held with the client were designed to ascertain and locate sample operators that matched the client’s specifications in terms of location and business situation, as well as to establish the key financial and operational indicators to be used in the benchmarking.
她想说的意思是 自己在毕马威的审计部门工作了两年之后被调到毕马威的咨询 一般都是having been transferred 普通员工不能自作主张挪部门吧除非这地是你家开的。后来作者说both 我的中国同事然后下文也没有出现and. 其实她用as well as什么的读者也不是不理解,但这并不是规范得体的书面语。后面的key financial其实更妥切的说应该用复数(她后面的operational indicators是复数的 我没有做任何改动 就是原样搬过来的)。因为通常讲，评估企业的财务情况需要的财务指标一般得好几个。若问为何？这点名堂都看不出来的人还是不要出去读商科了。即使找到工作也混不下去....

xxx创始团队将全外籍名校顾问创作、保证最高质量的留学申请文书为宗旨（零错误，西式思维）。 MS in Linguistics from Oxford Univeristy and currently an Oxford Researcher (Linguistics); have done research in many fields, including English literature, education, history, philosophy, psychology, business, etc. （牛津大学语言学硕士，现为牛津大学语言学研究员；在英语文学，教育，历史，哲学，心理学，商科等领域有研究）

真是到处都是错误….和西式思维差距太远了…就是把申请者的cv拷贝了一遍 换了个说法而已。

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受益匪浅

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aylya025 发表于 2014-7-21 17:09
想多说两句，你写的很长很用心客观真实，非常谢谢你给大家带来的信息从一个旁观者的角度(抱歉理科生词语匮 ...

哈哈 前辈谬赞

鸡汤文作者的一般不是年轻虚妄就是欺世盗名 前者历练历练会自己觉悟的，后者是永远不会给大家发喝汤的勺子的。 至于消极冷眼，历史的残酷会消灭一切分母和炮灰的，这事轮不到任何人插手。我觉得c9同学内部差异并不大 general intelligence差不多，拼的都是看不到的。特别优秀的样本点也有 不会和大家抢食槽的。剩下的大部分人之间信息的不对称，除了大家能感知到的explicit的部分，更多的不对称很早就形成了，就是日本人讲的暗默知（tacit knowledge）这个才是需要努力的地方.