GRE作文句子加油站

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

原帖为不明觉弱思过崖，可能会伤及部分版友的自尊心，不利于正面鼓励大家进步，现更名为句子加油站，专门处理大家在句子层面遇到的问题和困难。在反馈过程中我发现有问题的句子，请原作者在这里回帖对句子进行修改，我会提供帮助。


由于我们（包括我自己和参加互改的同学）对句子订正和总结不够重视，从下周开始（6月15日），每周三和周六为句子修改日，所有参加互改的同学都要按照附件的格式更新自己的句子订正表并以附件形式发送到自己在本帖所占的楼层。所有同学需要完成这项工作才能参加接下来一周的互改。

句子订正模板.xlsx (21.56 KB, 下载次数: 87)

2015-6-13 08:31:51 上传

下载次数: 87

格式

练习中的原句
主要问题或困难
订正

注意：所有的订正应以句子为单位，不要将多个句子的段落放在一起修改。原则上在加油站修改句子后我才会继续批改你的下一篇习作。
另外，请在原句下面附上我的点评。


这里将句子错误类型进行初步的分类和举例说明。

句子层面的错误分析与反馈是二语习得领域的一个大坑，好几代应用语言学和英语教学学者为之前仆后继，然而学生们的文章里还是充斥着各种不明觉弱的表达。很多时候搞理论研究的都是英美大学的教授，拿着很高的工资却不需要上太多的课，接触的也都是英语水平已经不错的学生。这或许就是很多研究隔靴搔痒无法真正帮助到一线教学的根本原因。本人的研究基于寄托论坛上的的教学实践，一步一个脚印的找出同学们习作中的句子表达问题，指导同学修改并长线跟踪观察后续的进展。我不敢说我的研究一定能有什么新的理论发现，但我至少有信心在这个过程中同学们的句子会越写越好，考试分数会有所提高。如果这样的研究最终得不到学界的认可，我觉得问题不在我，而在学界。当然，学界是很靠谱的学界，因此我对于最终做出一些成果还是很有信心的。  

基于对几十个句子的初步反馈，现将句子层面的问题作以下的分类。本分类还会随着点评的继续而有所调整。而接下来句子点评也会用到。

1. 内容问题

1.1 整个句子意思模糊这个问题最严重，原因也很多。如果出现这个问题，就需要整句话重新写。
1.2 句子的部分内容需要信息补充
比如说 Though, in long run, I argue, the expense is necessary and can bring more benefits rather than the adverse effect, even if it may impede the short term development. 不看前面的表达，就最后的 the short term development，我们不知道指的是什么的development，因此需要具体说明 development of what  

2. 选词问题

2.1 对词或词组的意思理解有误而导致的误用
The arguer takes it for granted that the larger firm must be more efficient than the little one, and only the full-time employees are reliable to deliver better results.
比如这句话里对take for granted这个词的理解有问题。理所当然后面要跟真实、成立的事情。  

2.2 可数不可数或复数形式
For those buildings that are too old to be repaired and have no values for people
比如这里的value是不可数的，复数的values是指价值取向，意思完全不同。

2.3 动词及物不及物
From my perspective, I hold the view that it depends the type of the architecture.  
这里的depend不及物因此后面要跟on

2.4 词语之间的搭配问题
这是最常见的一个问题。
However, that target is only accessible to some students, making others waste their time and energy in current study. 比如这里taget用accessible来修饰是不合适的
What is more, since the economic subject studies the activity and decision of people,这里subject不能study

3. 语法与句子结构问题

其实考GRE的同学英语基础都不错，这方面的问题不会太多。出这种问题通常都是自己没有好好检查。
3.1 词性错误
比如 Also, some anticipated problems, take the lack of resources on earth as an example, require long-term hardworking and we should start working on them early.   
这里long-term后面要跟名词不能跟形容词  

3.2 句子结构错误
The author states the traditional way of heating displaying the first underlined assumption that is most homes won’t change their custom of using oil to heat their homes.
这种句子的结构有严重错误，让我不得不暂时离开座位去重新思考人生的意义。

3.3 句子需要断开
The students study in computer science can accomplish their work successfully with their professional knowledge and skills in computer, andthe students studying in electrical and electronics engineering can solve the problems during their work with the knowledge they have learned in their professional classes and the skills gained in laboratory.   
这种句子需要用分号或句号断开

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

关于不明觉弱
https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1813787-1-2.html

sokillerUID: 3446082

病句：For the students studying in the school, being successful in the subject students are pursuing is the most desirable target. However, that target is only accessible to some students, making others waste their time and energy in current study. According to that, school has responsibility to prevent the students who are not eligible for current study from failure.

主要问题：自己在YY

可能还是病句：For the students studying in the school, being successful in the subject students are pursuing is the most desirable target. However, it may not be possible for all the students to reach that target, since some of them are not qualified to pursue the current study and even know little about that. According to that, school has responsibility to prevent those students from being failed in the study.


改后的句子好很多  

not qualified我可能会说 not well prepared  
being failed - failing?  

sokillerUID: 3446082

感谢老师点评

应该是 failing 不是failed。。。。

KssandraUID: 2766998

我也来思一个~

However, there may be concerned that some careers, may not provide enough monetary income to...
问题：concern形式错误

改正：
However, there may be concerns that some careers, may not provide enough monetary income to...

好像是经常手里在打一个句子脑袋里却在想另一个句子，就容易犯这种错误。

可能一开始准备写there may be concerns...打到一半心里却在想people may be concerned... 写到最后一部分慌张了，还是不够熟练。如果能做到20-23分钟写完全文，剩下几分钟通读修改会好很多。

无敌浩克OneUID: 3605802

想请问一下：是我们把句子发过来，老师帮我们改吗？还是我们自己把自己改的句子发过来？

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

Kssandra 发表于 2015-5-8 11:48
我也来思一个~

However, there may be concerned that some careers, may not provide enough monetary  ...

能回想一下为什么会犯这个错误么 如何避免下次再犯？  

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

无敌浩克One 发表于 2015-5-8 12:31
想请问一下：是我们把句子发过来，老师帮我们改吗？还是我们自己把自己改的句子发过来？

你要先参加五月批改活动 我看了你的文章会指出语法、表达问题 然后你再订正  
你也可以找其他人看 找到病句放到这里修改  

无敌浩克OneUID: 3605802

tesolchina 发表于 2015-5-8 13:44
你要先参加五月批改活动 我看了你的文章会指出语法、表达问题 然后你再订正  
你也可以找其他人看 找到病 ...

好的！谢谢！
感觉现在自己水平很差，无法给其他gter修改，等我提高一点就发上来
另外还想请教王老师，我这两天看argument的官方范文，有一个感觉是官方给出的5分，写作思路和内容和我的是类似的，（我的思路基本上就是通用模版），所以ARGU评分是不是很大程度看的是写作水平，比如句子是否地道能否让别人看得懂之类的？而非具体思路。
然后6分的话就是evidence特别充分，所以想要提高到6分，是得在没有写作问题之后，提高文章内容？

KssandraUID: 2766998

tesolchina 发表于 2015-5-8 13:42
能回想一下为什么会犯这个错误么 如何避免下次再犯？

好的~编辑到了5楼

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

Kssandra 发表于 2015-5-9 06:21
好的~编辑到了5楼

so it is a slip of pen~~~  
lapsus calami

锤先森G330UID: 3603995

我也来反省下上次作文的第一段：
With the development of the society, the number of available lands in our city decreasing rapidly, which renders modern planners attempt to construct new buildings on the land that occupied by old buildings. From my perspective, I hold the view that it depends the type of the architecture. For those buildings that are too old to be repaired and have no values for people, pulling them down and constructing new ones is a better choice; for those buildings that have comprehensive cultural meanings and even become a logo of a country, it is better to preserve them. Finally, for those buildings that really need to get repaired while repairing too much may render them loose the historical values, people should try their best to make transformation for them in order to let them have their new values.

修改过后的第一段：
(1)With the development of the society, the number of available land in our city decreasing rapidly, which renders modern planners attempt to construct new buildings on the land that occupied by old buildings. (2)From my perspective, I hold the view that it depends on the type of the architecture. (3)For those buildings that are too old to be repaired and have no value for people, pulling them down and constructing new ones is a better choice; for those buildings that are meaningful [其实这里原本想表达：那些对国家有着深刻意义的建筑，之前的表达显然是太chinglish了。。]and even become a logo of a country, it is better to preserve them. (4)Finally, for those buildings that really need to get repaired while repairing too much may render them loose the historical values, people should try their best to make transformation for them [这里我想表达对建筑进行改造，不知用transformation行不行，或者想用adaptation?]in order to let them have their new value.

2015/5/17 再次修改后的第一段, 下面的序号对应上面括号里的序号：
1. 随着社会的发展，城市可利用土地的数量下降，这导致现代规划者们想在老房子的地上建新房子。
With the development of society, the amount of available land in our city is shrinking rapidly. Consequently, modern planners attempt to construct new buildings on the land, which is occupied by old buildings.
按照老师的要求把原来的第一句分成了两句话，并修改了decrease和谓语动词的问题，谓语动词属于笔误

4. 最后，对那些急需修理，但是过度修理会让其丧失历史价值的建筑，人们应该进行合理改造，从而让他们拥有新的价值。
Finally, for those buildings that really need to get repaired while over repairing  may render them loose their historical values, people should try their best to make transformation for them in order to let them have their new value.
a. 在过度修理这里我自己创造了一个over repairing,不知合适不合适 b. 改造用make transformation不知行否，或者去用adaptaion?
我觉得你还是一句句的改比较好
one sentence at a time  

注意land是不可数的 所以前面用number不合适 你考虑一下换什么词比较好  
还有the amount of available land in our city decreasing rapidly这个作为主句竟然没有谓语动词 decreasing的形式不多
（啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊）

which renders modern planners attempt 这里which render这个说法让人觉得很别扭。 其实这里可以另外开一句话  

然后that occupied混淆了施动和被动

With the development of the society, the amount of available land in our city has decreased rapidly. Therefore, modern planners attempt to construct new buildings on the land occupied by old buildings.

这一句问题已经很多 你再看看  

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

希望这个帖子能多些同学参与

无敌浩克OneUID: 3605802

The author states the traditional way of heating displaying the first underlined assumption [that is most homes won’t change their custom of using oil to heat their homes.]是assumption的同位语从句。

首先谢老师点评作文，这个句子还有什么地方要修改呢？



这句话你想表达什么意思 我怎么没看懂呢  

display的主语是什么？  
display和assumption的搭配也是不对的  
所以这个句子 呵呵呵呵  
继续改  

KssandraUID: 2766998

刚突然找不到这个贴了，原来换名字了。。。

原句：
Also, some anticipated problems, take the lack of resources on earth as an example, require...

错误原因: take应该用taking，但是我好像不知道这种错误叫什么名字，叫做“动词引导插入语”好了= =

改正：
Also, some anticipated problems, taking the lack of resources on earth as an example, require...

为啥错，好像是不太熟悉这种表达方法，比较少拿这种短语做插入语，习惯句子开头写Take something for example...

不是这样的  

首先要抄完整的句子  

Also, some anticipated problems, take the lack of resources on earth as an example, require long-term hardworking and we should start working on them early.   

这个句子的问题是 主语是啥？ problems 那么 谓语呢 take? require？ 这个句子可以这么改

Also, to solve anticipated future problems, for example, the lack of resources on the earth, requires long-term efforts and hard work.  Therefore, we should start working on them now.  

其实要改进句子有两种方法 一是认出病句进行修改 二是一开始就学正确的句型
要双管齐下  

从病句的角度来看 你这里problems和 require的搭配有问题 改成 to solve the problems 再配requires就ok
另外光秃秃的take做插入语实在让我惊呆了 都不知道怎么做病句归类  

从句型学习的角度 不定式做主语是可以学的 for example 后面引出短语做例子是可以学的 另外一句写得差不多断开 另起一句也是一个好习惯