sherry的GRE写作贴

ytfteggwUID：3599229

感谢老师指导~~

目录：

2楼： issue 4（全文）  已点评；已修改一次

ytfteggwUID：3599229

Issue 4
Scandals are useful because they focus our attention on problems in ways that no speaker or reformer ever could.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

（老师，我把那个challenge的放在了第一段，而且我没有反驳反对的观点，magoosh上有的老师说不要反驳反对的观点，不知道这样的做法可以算符合题目要求吗? 这篇文章我修改了两次）

Today’s media are inundated with scandals concerning government, academic, as well as celebrities in entertaining field. It is true that scandals can usually stir up a big public discussion over the specific topic in an astonishing speed. Nevertheless, scandals could be useless when these scandals doesn’t lead to solve real problems and even harmful when cause problems themselves. Indeed, a healthy and rational media environment is indispensable for the scandal to be useful in problems-solving.

你中间的第二段和第三段写的还可以 分别讨论 在两种情况下丑闻是没有用的 一种是这件事本身很无聊 另一种情况是媒体夸大
要注意的是你写的时候需要回应题目所讲的focus our attention on problems in ways that no speaker or reformer ever could
也是就是要联系attention的问题来讨论 这方面你做得不太好  

然后针对address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position 你要回应可能挑战你的观点的例子或理由 因此你得首先提出你的观点 再来回应 不可能一开始就回应挑战  
关于如何写这类题目 我最近的博客有讨论  

感觉你的语言表达还挺好  

还有一个问题就是你在开头段提出的观点和你后面中间段讨论的内容并没有很好的呼应 这呼应是我的1+3模型的精髓所在 你要考虑下  

Admittedly, scandals can intensively arouse people’s attention to something they would otherwise overlook and the big discussion followed may push people to reform. For supporting example one needs no further look than the Abu Ghraib torture and prison abuse scandal, which revealed that American military had committed a series of human rights violation against detainees in Abu Ghraib prison. And the investigation followed shown that this misconduct was sanctioned high from the military hierarchy. The worldwide condemnation after the exposure of the scandal put a heavy pressure on the American government. In the end, seven officer and soldiers are removed from duty, and government was urged to invoke a series policies to protect the prisoners. Without the scandals, the miserable lives of those detainer’s will never be known by the public, and the human rights which politics are aimed to fight for would be shadowed.

Under some circumstance, however, scandals are of little usefulness. Specifically, scandals are not helpful when these scandals doesn’t reveal any real problems and even harmful when human rights are violated in the process of exposing scandals. Sometimes scandals can be facile and meaningless, for example, like the affair of a specific movie star, the quarrel between two actors competing for a leading role. This kind of scandals just satiates public’s voyeur desire and doesn’t say anything important. In fact, it is not rare case that in order to attract people’s eye some people would fabricate a scandal and expose it to the public on purpose. Those vacant scandals are in no way help solve, if not create any, real problems. To make things worse, the media’s pursuit of scandals may deteriorate the human rights of others, thus generate even more serious problems. For example, Princess Diana was killed in the car accident as she was trying to get rid of those frenzied paparazzi. To some extent, those paparazzi killed Princess Diana in their pursuit of scandals.

In addition, the media have an inclination to blow things out of proportion thus the coverage of scandals can be misleading and untrustworthy. Understandably, the more intensive those scandals, the more people would be attracted. Therefore, the media that are always chasing high ratings and big circulations are very likely to add spice into those scandals reported. It would be hard for the public to get an objective and balanced reports since the added details may distort the reports and lead people to the wrong direction. For example, in Watergates scandals, some media tends to elaborate on the relationship between President Nixon and Monica, the secretary, thus attracted people’s attention to the wrong issue. The public are easily swayed by the media;therefore, without a healthy media, those scandals will not helpful since the irrational pubic would be lead to an errant path.

Understandably, the scandals can be powerful in revealing things, however, unless the scandals are pointing out some real problems and the public are being guided by a healthy media along the rational road to problem-solving, scandals cannot be claimed to be useful.

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修改后：老师我修改了，但是那个attention，我看了您的文章和其他人写的也不是很清楚要怎么改，我就在一些地方多写了几个attention，不知道可不可以，把challenge的部分也改了~~

Today’s media are inundated with scandals concerning government, academic, as well as celebrities in entertaining field. While it is true that scandals can usually attract people’s attention on the specific topic in a way no speaker and reformer could imagine, scandals could be useless when these scandals doesn’t lead to solve real problems and when the media fail to provide people with objected and balance reports. And we also cannot count on the scandals to help tackle issues in our daily life.

lead to solve 表达
objected and balance reports表达



Despite the merits of scandals, under some circumstance, scandals are of little usefulness. Specifically, scandals are not helpful when these scandals doesn’t reveal any real problems and even harmful when human rights are violated in the process of exposing scandals. Sometimes scandals can be facile and meaningless, for example, like the affair of a specific movie star, the quarrel between two actors competing for a leading role. This kind of scandals just satiates public’s voyeur desire and doesn’t say anything important. In fact, it is not rare case that in order to attract people’s eye some people would fabricate a scandal and expose it to the public on purpose. Those vacant scandals are in no way help solve, if not create any, real problems. To make things worse, the media’s pursuit of scandals may deteriorate the human rights of others, thus generate even more serious problems. For example, Princess Diana was killed in the car accident as she was trying to get rid of those frenzied paparazzi. To some extent, those paparazzi killed Princess Diana in their pursuit of scandals.

of little usefulness表达
these scandals doesn’t 语法
This kind of scandals just satiates public’s voyeur desire and doesn’t语法
scandals are in no way help solve语法
deteriorate the human right搭配


In addition, the media have an inclination to blow things out of proportion thus the coverage of scandals can be misleading and untrustworthy. Understandably, the more intensive those scandals, the more people would be attracted. Therefore, the media that are always chasing high ratings and big circulations are very likely to add spice into those scandals reported. It would be hard for the public to get an objective and balanced reports since the added details may distort the reports and lead people to the wrong direction. For example, in Watergates scandals, some media tends to elaborate on the relationship between President Nixon and Monica, the secretary, thus attracted people’s attention to the wrong issue. The public are easily swayed by the media; therefore, without a healthy media, those scandals will not helpful since the irrational pubic would be lead to an errant path.

第一句的标点
水门事件竟然和克林顿的性丑闻弄混了 我惊呆了  


Some people may argue that scandals can intensively arouse people’s attention to something they would otherwise overlook and the big discussion followed may push people to reform. However, we cannot depend on the scandals to reveal undesirable things and use these scandals to push society to progress. Rather, society are expected to establish a series codes of ethics and well-designed systems to guide people’s conducts and preclude misbehaviors. For example, and a scrutiny system by the whole public should be implemented to prevent the government from intruding people’s interests and to precluding academics from plagiarizing.

这里的例子出现的太晚了  


Understandably, the scandals can be powerful in attract people’s attention and revealing things. However, unless the scandals are pointing out some real problems and the public are provided with trustworthy reports, scandals cannot be claimed to be useful. And in other to achieve social progress, a scrutiny system by the whole society are more helpful as it precludes misconducts rather than repair things later.  


总的来说文章的结构和布局已经比较合理 但是语言表达 以及具体段落内容还需要改善  

你什么时候考？ 有木有加我微信？  

tesolchinaUID：2191404

ytfteggw 发表于 2015-5-8 22:52
Issue 4
Scandals are useful because they focus our attention on problems in ways that no speaker or ...

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ytfteggwUID：3599229

tesolchina 发表于 2015-5-12 06:47
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老师，我有加你的微信，微信名是“卷秀”，已经在那个GRE写作群里面了~~我5.23号就考了。。太晚看到老师的帖子。。。最近几天只能多多看看老师的文章，借鉴借鉴了:dizzy: