dingka 同主题作文练习贴~~~为二战加油！

dingkaUID: 2453299

1) Woven baskets characterized by a particular distinctive pattern have previously been found only in the immediate vicinity of the prehistoric village of Palea and therefore were believed to have been made only by the Palean people. Recently, however, archaeologists discovered such a 'Palean' basket in Lithos, an ancient village across the Brim River from Palea. The Brim River is very deep and broad, and so the ancient Paleans could have crossed it only by boat, and no Palean boats have been found. Thus it follows that the so-called Palean baskets were not uniquely Palean
.
Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.

In the argument, to determine that the Palean baskets are not only made by Palean people, the arguer presented several pieces of evidence, such as the discovery of the same baskets in Lithos and the lack of boat discovery in Palean, and deep,broad river can only be crassed by boat. However, to evaluate the argument, we need a lot more information: transportation method of ancient people in Palean, whether other signs of boats 语法 ever found and whether the basket was brought tothe other shore of the river in a different era.

冒号用的不错

First, more evidence should be provided to exclude the possibility that people can go across the river in (by) other types of transportation (means). Although boats are not found in the area, ancient Palean people might use bamboo shafts or sheep skin balloons to get across the river and bring the basket there. Also we need evidence to show whether the Brim river has changed dramatically. If records show that Brim River has changed a lot from a shallow river to a deep and broad one just two hundred years ago, ancient Palean people could just go across the river and carrying the basket simply by walking or swimming.

sheep skin balloons 这个好神奇的感觉 作为其他可能性  好像不是很靠谱   

感觉整段写得挺好  

Second, even if the only way to travel across the river is using boat, we may need more information to prove that boat never existed in Palean area. Boat made from wood or bamboo, unlike pottery, are easy to get broken and disposed by nature in a few hundred years. Therefore, no discovery of a completed boats in the area at present doesn't mean they never existed in the area. A lot more evidence, such as Palean history never mentioned boats or even debris of boat never found in the area, would be needed to strengthen the argument.

such as后面是不能跟从句的 Palean history never mentioned boats or even debris of boat never found in the area

而且history- mention 这个搭配也不对

感觉这句话的水平一下子下降了好多  

Third, even if there's 时态no boat in Palean and people couldn’t travel to Lithos in prehistoric era, the basket could have been  brought to Lithos long after the time it was made. To justify the argumen, we need more information about whether the basket were made in Lithos or otherplaces other than Palean. And other evidence, such as  historic record showing that the basket were brought to Lithos in modern time by cars, would greatly weaken the argument.

不太明白你这段提出的可能性  

原题的结论是 这个basket不是uniquely Palean  

information about whether the basket were made in Lithos or otherplaces other than Palean 这个点没有展开写

感觉这不就是题目argue的结论么  

请参照一下我的范文

另外请介绍一下写作过程 心得体会 等等  

To sum up, to make a cogent argument, we need to gather alot more evidence on transportation method in ancient Palean, existence of boatin Palean and whether the basket found in Lithos were brought from Palean later on.

fishgoUID: 3607599

点评来了~~个人观点，欢迎交流~

第一段里面：第一句说exclude the possibility that people can go across the river in other types of transportation，我不是很理解这里用exclude，我感觉用“探索有没有其他的可能性”会好一些，因为这段后面都是讲有其他的可能性的。

第二段里面：Boat made from wood or bamboo, unlike pottery, are easy to get broken and disposed by nature in a few hundred years。“dispose”换成“decay”试试
A lot more evidence。a lot 是不是可以去掉啊？完整的是 more evidence would be needed to ...

第三段里面：To justify the argumen, we need more information about whether the basket were made in Lithos or otherplaces other than Palean.我觉得这个有点牵强，考古学家因为不知道篮子哪里来的，才推测是不是来自对面的村子的，要是能直接知道是哪里生产的话，好像推测就没有意义了。这一点我不是很确定，具体的等王老师点评吧~

dingkaUID: 2453299

6月3日作业 issue62

Leaders are created by the demands that are placed on them.
        
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

计时30分钟写作，完成后有修改。前期思考思路用了很久才开始动笔。考试的时候时间肯定不够555555这题真的蛮难，我的思路是
1.大公司人事系统完备，选拔领袖通常是会根据公司架构的需要。
2.对于创业公司，一个人成为领袖通常是个人创业的医院，而不是demand，因为公司都不存在，哪里有demand
3.在其他的机构，例如一些非盈利机构的成功领导，他们除了要满足leader职位的要求，还有可能带给这个职位，要求之外的东西。
第三段我自己觉得写不太好。
当时脑洞大开想了两个例子，一个是比尔盖茨的盖茨基金会，一般冠名基金会的名人就是露个脸出个钱，但盖茨身体力行做了很多事情。但貌似表达的
另一个例子是安吉丽娜朱莉作为联合国难民署的亲善大使，她不但完成了份内的工作，还做了其他很多事情，因此也被认为是非常称职的大使。但我后来觉得大使应该不算领导，所以就选了第一个。

There are various leaders in different types of organizations, and almost all of them have to meet some demands of the organization they work with.However, The extent to which I agree with the statement depends on the nature of the organizations and leadership these organization need. In a large coporation, leadership in different levels would be decided according to demands. While in a start-up company, a leader might be the first employee of the company and therefore are created by his own will. In many other organizations, leaders could be partly determined by the demands, and also partly recognized because of other aspects.

其实基本上你就是不同意 因为题目说的是created by 而你认为demand只是一个因素  
所以你的主旨句在阐明立场的时候非常关键  需要想清楚说清楚



In large coporations, leadership of a team or section are mostly decided by its delicate human resource management according to the need of the company. Every successful corporation, like Microsoft or Apple, has a complicated system to form the general structure of the company. And according to such system, leaders in different section are selected by human resource department among employees or job candidates, and the standard of the selection are mostly according to the demands of the job position. In such circumstance, it is fair to say that leaders in these coporations are made by demands.

leadership - decided 不太懂这是什么意思
主题句意思不清楚 这段基本废掉了
你首先要说明你针对原命题的立场是什么  从原命题出发再来提出你的观点
你脱离了原命题去讲leadership和demand之间的关系 我觉得是很不妥的

而且你最后怎么就得出了 leaders in these coporations are made by demands的结论呢
完全看不出来你前面讲的内容可以得出最后这个结论  




In smaller-scale enterprises, such as start-up companies, a leader is usually the first employee of the entire company and therefore he is created not by demand, but by his own will of building a company. Take Mark Zukerberg from Facebook for example, he became the leader of the famous social network not because of the demands that didn't even existed when Facebook was created. It was his own unique and innovative idea of bringing people together that made him leader of the later internet empire. Also there's a saying that some very talented and innovative people are "born to be leaders", and such people are most like to start their owe career by creating something, regardless of existing demands.

我觉得这样写太牵强了
你这样玩文字游戏感觉就是自己挖坑把自己埋了  


In other types of organizations, such as non-profit organizations, leaders are sometimes recognized by not only demands but also other aspects. In many cases, leaders get the positions partly because they met the demand and requirement, and partly because they can bring extra unexpected benefit to the project or the organization. For example, the reason that Bill Gates took leadership in Bill and Mellinda Foundation is that the foundation needs a name partner to lead the team. However, Bill Gates, with his charisma, reputation and management skills provided much more than the foundation demanded and made a very successful non-profit leader. He has not only fulfilled the mission of the leader such as presentation and donation, but also he actively lobbied among his friends for the campaigns of the foundation.


aspects通常会跟of 不能单独用   
像这种题目我觉得还是应该先写提纲 和我讨论后再写全文 或者直接参考我的范文思路来写  



To sum up, the claim might be true in some cases involving big corporations, but there are also other different situation in start-up companies and non-profits.

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

dingka 发表于 2015-6-3 19:10
6月3日作业 issue62

Leaders are created by the demands that are placed on them.

已评

fishgoUID: 3607599

虽然这篇issue很难，我也没把握，但我还是来说两句吧~
1、对leader所属单位或者机构的分类，我一开始也有想过，但感觉不太好写，像第三类其他公司的讨论，我觉得有点牵强，毕竟跟第一类第二类的区别不是很大

2、这类issue的题目要求是“Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement ”也就是要明确表示agree还是disagree，所以开头要明确说，建议你可以在6分博客里找一下王老师关于issue的各类题目的答题方式的讲解，每类题目的应答还是有点区别的

3、文章内容我就不说了，王老师讲的比较清楚，所以还是要加油了！

dingkaUID: 2453299

留楼给未做的作业

dingkaUID: 2453299

给定思路练习

issue113

Claim: The surest indicator of a great nation is not the achievements of its rulers, artists, or scientists.        

Reason: The surest indicator of a great nation is actually the welfare of all its people.


To discuss the claim, we need to (first) define the concept of great nation. In a common sense （表达）, a nation can be defined as great if it  has contributed greatly to the development of the modern society or the development of civilization in human history.  Under such definition, I don't agree with the reason, because welfare of people in a certain nation is often determined by many aspects and does not necessarily indicate the greatness of the nation.  While in many great nations in history, people's welfare can't be ensured不完整句子. Besides, the greatness of a nation can be showed through the achievements of its elite group.

你的while这一句打算单独写一段么  应该说尽管这些国家的人民生活很艰苦 但对历史文明的贡献还是很伟大
感觉最后两句应该可以合并


To begin with, welfare of people may reflect the properity and wealthy of a nation, but it is not a sure indicator of greatness. High welfare countries are also the ones that occupies a territory with abundant nature resources or other kind of conveniences. Take Finland as example, 断句 its 6 million population share a land even bigger than UK, and countless resources like wood, mines and seafood. Although the welfare of people in Finland ranks among the top ones in the world, but its influnce on the contemporary international affairs and contribution in the world's history are limited. Therefore, (as the example of Finland clearly shows,) nations with good welfare (for its people) can't not simply be labeled as great.


(On the other hand,) In human history, in some widely recognized great nations, welfare of people was not very satisfying. Take ancient China and India for example,断句 both of the countries have shaped the entire human history intensively. Buddism orginated from India has influenced many people of the world and China's inventions of paper make sustaining of human's knowledge more convenient and available. However, in some certain historical period, welfare of people can't be ensured. A lot of people, especially people in lower classes with unprivileged background didn't have basic rights, let alone wefare.

shaped the entire human history intensively- influenced ... profoundly
and available选词
最后前一句总结 回应分论点

总的来说写得不错  句子层面的表达问题 慢慢积累吧 把话说清楚很重要
你写这篇有什么体会么  


......

dingkaUID: 2453299

这两天太忙，9号的作业还没做，一会有时间补上。
今天中午抽了时间，把11号和今天的作业都好好写写。

和很多同学类似，一开始毫无思路，后来简单过了一下老师的范文，想到了可以分类讨论，没有用老师的例子，自己试着展开了一下。昨天写了提纲，状态很不好。
今天干脆不着急了，没有计时，慢慢写完，但觉得还是有些没话说。


33) As we acquire more knowledge, things do not become more comprehensible, but more complex and mysterious.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.



Will more knowledge bring clarity or complication to us? To answer the question, we must first need to define the group of people we are talking about. For regular people who receive knowledge as part of their education, knowledge in both natural science and social science would help them to achieve a better understanding of a certain subject. While for science researchers, obtaining more knowledge in a certain field sometimes can lead them to the exploration in to a more complicated level of a field and even more unanswered questions.

For regular people who seek for knowledge to get educated, scientific knowledge can provide answers to many natural mysteries that puzzled them. For people living in original tribes, knowledge on simple cosmology can explain that a moon eclipse is a normal natural phenomenon instead of rage of god. In primary school, knowledge of physics and chemistry, etc. will lead students to understand the principles of daily life, such as why birds fly but human beings don't. For people searching answers in a specific area like how to fight overweight, some medical and health knowledge can definitely bring him comprehension on how his body works.

Besides the nature of the world, knowledge on social science will help people understand the society they are living in and help them make right decisions. For example, knowledge on economics will provide a general understanding of how the "invisible hand" of the financing system works and guide people to make proper arrangement of their asset; besides, when a person has learned the history of the Middle East, he will find the underlying reason of dispute among the countries there are no longer hard to understand. Therefore, in many occasions, there's no doubt that knowledge is the ultimate tool to diminish misunderstandings and skepticism of people.

However, for people who take science research as their career, more knowledge of a certain subject sometimes can bring along more complication and questions. And the introducing new complexity and mystery is the path that keeps enlarge the boundary of human knowledge. Biologists, for a long period, thought understanding the cells would be enough to reveal the secret of life, while perception of cells through developed microscope lead them to a even complicated inside world of the cells, and more question marks on even mysterious subjects, such as DNA.

To sum up, for different group of people, more knowledge can lead to different outcome. For people who need to get educated, knowledge in different fields will enable them to achieve better understanding, while for researchers and explorers, more knowledge sometime can lead them to complexity and mystery.

dingkaUID: 2453299

尝试下表格：）

28) The following appeared in the summary of a study on headaches suffered by the residents of Mentia.
Salicylates are members of the same chemical family as aspirin, a medicine used to treat headaches. Although many foods are naturally rich in salicylates, for the past several decades, food-processing companies have also been adding salicylates to foods as preservatives. This rise in the commercial use of salicylates has been found to correlate with a steady decline in the average number of headaches reported by participants in our twenty-year study. Recently, food-processing companies have found that salicylates can also be used as flavor additives for foods. With this new use for salicylates, we can expect a continued steady decline in the number of headaches suffered by the average citizen of Mentia.

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.

Para. 1	作用	内容点评	语言点评
The author of the summary expects that citizens of Mentia have less headaches, and such conclusion is made based on several facts: similarity between salicylate and asprin, the correlation between salicylate and headache, and food processing companies’ new discovery of a new use of salicylates.	概括结论、论据
However, the argument is not cogent because it is based on several assumptions that can't be proved by given information. It is assumed that salicylates will have effect on headache because of its similarity to aspirin and its correlation with headeaches according to the study, and it is also assumed that food processing companies will adopt of new use for salicylates in their production.	TS	不要判断argument是否cogent Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions 这里不需要把假设全说出来 节约时间

---

---

Para. 2	作用	内容点评	语言点评
To begin with, the author assumes that chemical structure can determine the function of certain chemical materials.	ts1
Although Salicylates belong to the same chemical family of aspirin, it doesn't mean that Salicylates have the similar healing function as that of aspirin.	质疑此条assumption的原因
Many chemicals belong to the same family have very different, or even opposite characteristics, therefore, there's no warranty that salicylates can treat headaches like aspirin does.	提出其他可能		断句
		写的挺好~~~

Para. 3	作用	内容点评	语言点评
Furthermore, it is assumed in the argument that the study showing slicylate's correlation with decline of headache is a prove of slicylates’ healing abliity.	ts2		prove- 词性
On one hand, a correlation is not a causal relation. The 20-year study mentioned in the argument didn't preclude any other factors that may promote the decline in average number of headaches, such as enhancing nutrition, more physical practice or changing lifestyle.	其他可能性		is not- does not imply promote decline- 搭配 enhanced-
On the other hand, the research method of the study is also skeptical, because the headaches cases in the study are reported by participants with unclear selection standard, not recorded by medical organizations.	研究方法可能有问题	这句话可能分成2-3句来写更清楚 而且和前面的主题句未必符合	method- skeptical 搭配

Para. 4	作用	内容点评	语言点评
Lastly, more assumptions have been made by the author on the food processing industry adopting the new use of salicylates.	ts3
Although it may be true that salicylates can add up the flavor of food, but such flavor are not neccessarily added in all kinds of food.	其他可能性	这一点我不太懂 而且和题目的关联在哪里
Also, in food industry, the use of food additive usually need to be scrutinized strictly by authority, and therefore, the amount of salicylates that a company can add into its food may be limited.	其他可能性		needs
Besides, the price of salicylates, which never mentioned in the argument, may also be high and becomes a concern of industries using it as flavor additive.	其他可能性	你提出了这些可能性 却没有结合前面的假设以及原题的论证来讨论

To sum up, unless more information can prove the assumptions on salicylate’s healing effect and industry’s adopting the new use, the argument is not cogent enough.

dingkaUID: 2453299

终于下了决心把原来在6.28的二战改到了9月初，心情放松了很多，打算先做一段时间不限时的练习，纯锻炼下写作能力
这篇是我感觉还不错的一篇，花了很长时间想，和写，后来也认真的修改了一番。老师批改。谢谢！



65) Every individual in a society has a responsibility to obey just laws and to disobey and resist unjust laws.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.
Law is a fundemental tool to ensure the order of a society and people should be law abiding citizens. However, laws are made by imperfect people with different agendas through many kinds of legislative systems. In some occasions, laws can be unjust and need to be amended. Nonetheless, I don't agree with the part of the claim that every individual has a responsiblity to disobey and resist unjust laws. On one hand, it is not reliable for regular people to make the judgement whether a law is just or not. On the other hand, individual’s disobeying and resisting unjust law without drawing enough attention might be unnecessary sacrifice. Even some may argue that citizens' disobeyance is important in a society's development, such disobeyance should be voluntary but not one’s responsibility.
还是做一下表格吧  
你如果能够坚持这样练到9月 相信一定能有很大的进步
disobeyance有这个词么？  

感觉你的第一段写得挺好  
内容很丰富 层次也很分明
不过确实没有回应claim的前半部分
你可以在开头段结尾部分提一下 Since most people would agree that just laws should be obeyed, I'll focus on the more controverisal part of the statement about disobeying the unjust laws in this essay.  这也是一种singposting



To begin with, an individual's judgement on whether a law is just nor unjust is not reliable and such judgement could be made based on one's interest and bias. Take marijuana ban for instance,断句 the substance with minor harm to people has caused significant discussion on it. Although in some countries, and in the mind of many pot-lovers, using marijuana is nothing wrong, 断句however, in the countries where the ban still exist, the law-breaking behavior of using marijuana can not be justified. And in many similar issues , an individual’s judgement shouldn’t be the excuse of their disobeying the law.

nor -> or  
你的中间段的例子里面并没有提到主题句里所说的 judgementis not reliable   也就是说你的例子未能支持分论点

Moreover, even if a law is considered unjust by most of the people, an individual’s disobeyance might result in no significant change but only sacrifice of himself.  Too many unsung heroes sacrificed their freedom or even lives, before the unjust law they disobey actually became an public issue. Such examples can be found in slavery system and in totalitarian countries. Although their fight were proved right according to historical trend, but in a lot of cases, individuals' sacrifices could be spared.

觉得这个point不是很靠谱  如果某些法律不是正义的 反对则不是为了引起关注 否则就太功利了  


Some may argue that in history, citizens’ disobeyance and resistance have played important roles in many great revolutions and social changes, however, such activities should be volunteering, not a responsiblity. Although disobeying unjust law is a moral thing to do, and helps a legal system move toward a more justified direction, an individual’s decision on whether to disobey the unjust laws should always at his own volition. When fighting the race seperation policy, it is heroic for some American Africans to disobey the unjust law, but there’s also nothing wrong of those who didn’t. Therefore, the claim, requiring that every one has a responsibility to disobey unjust laws, is not justified itself.

apartheid
感觉你这里的思路可以写成按人分类 社会需要某些英雄来挑战非正义的法律 推动社会进步 但是对于大多数老百姓来说 这样做对个人对社会都没有好处  
很好的思路 但是挤在这一段里不行


To sum up, it is always important to obey just laws, however, for the reasons given above, disobeying and resisting a unjust law or not should not be one’s responsiblity.

dingkaUID: 2453299

dingka 发表于 2015-5-25 10:25
目录帖留楼

Jun 12th        Argument 28         

15) The following memorandum is from the business manager of Happy Pancake House restaurants.

Recently, butter has been replaced by margarine in Happy Pancake House restaurants throughout the southwestern United States. This change, however, has had little impact on our customers. In fact, only about 2 percent of customers have complained, indicating that an average of 98 people out of 100 are happy with the change. Furthermore, many servers have reported that a number of customers who ask for butter do not complain when they are given margarine instead. Clearly, either these customers do not distinguish butter from margarine or they use the term 'butter' to refer to either butter or margarine.
Write a response in which you discuss one or more alternative explanations that could rival the proposed explanation and explain how your explanation(s) can plausibly account for the facts presented in the argument.

段落	句子	学生动作总结	内容点评	语言点评
1	In the memo, the manager of Happy Pancake House restaurant argues that replacement of butter by margarine have little impact on customers based on several facts: only 2% customer complained about the change; most customers didn't complain when given margarine instead of butter they ordered according to servers.	总结ARGUMENT	很不错的概括	用了冒号和分号 高大上
	However, aside from customer's lack of knowledge on the difference between butter and margarine, and their confusion of the definition of butter, there are plenty of other explanations that could account for the facts: Besides the 2% customer complaining, more other silent customer may also not happy about the change. As for few complaints on serving margarine instead of butter as ordered, people complaining through other channels instead of talking to servers and dishonesty of servers may also account for the fact.	主旨句	customer's lack of knowledge 这个回应题目哪里？	最后一句的主语太长
2	First, a complaining rate of 2% is not a guarantee of 98% satisfaction.	主题句1		98% satisfaction 信息不全
	It is possible that many more customers didn't satisfied with the change, but they didn't raise their complaint.	其他解释1		didn't satisfied动词形式
	It is possible that some of them did't want to interrupt the conversation they have during lunch or waste time to argue with the restaurant during a family reunion.	举例展开其他解释
	They could simply choose to give up the restaurant instead of making effort to complain about it.	其他解释2
3	Second, a few alternative explanation, such customers complaining through other channels could account for the fact that server's reporting few comment from customers who didn't get what they ordered.	主题句2		such as
	If the head quarter of HPH could open an email account for collecting customer's opinions, there could be more dissatisfaction and complaints about getting margarine not butter. Another possibility is that customers could make comments about the issue on a third party media, such as Yelp, which people use to express their compliment or criticism on a restaurant.	其他解释（不好意思我直接粘贴了其他同学的表格，发现这一段句子比人家的多，不够用了。。。就用换行断句了） 你可以在Excel里面写 然后粘贴过来
4	Moreover, dishonest of servers in reporting customer's reaction can also explain why so few customers ’complaints reported to the general manager of the restaurants.	主题句3		dishonesty
	Servers' payment might be determined by customer's satisfaction and the number of complaints. Therefore, without a effective monitoring and evaluation system, some of them may be dishonest when pass the customer's complaints to their supervisors. Hence , and such voices simply are hold back by servers who are reluctant to deliver bad news to supervisors.	其他解释		an effective when pass 句子结构 there could be a lot of customer's opinions or getting margarine when ordering butter 句子结构 are hold -动词形式

To sum up, aside from the argument by the manager in the memo, there could be a lot more explanation that could explain the few complaints from customers.

dingkaUID: 2453299

issue 115

抄题

para1		目的	点评
	Heros and role models are admired by people in a society. However, when it comes to study a society's character, I don't agree with the claim that the best way is to examine heros and role models.	表明观点	comes to studying
	The character of a society are not shown through character of heros and role models from different fields but through regular people who shares certain general culture.	主旨句	share culture搭配
	While it might be true that heros and role models are selected from regular people, they are not the best representative of regular people because there are many standard associated with them.	同上，主旨句中回应挑战
para2
	To begin with, characters of heros and role models in different fields may vary and don't necessarily represent the real character of a society.	主旨句1
	In a society, it is possible that a fire fighter who sacrificed himself for saving other's lives and a successful Internet guru who changed people's communcation through creating a new social network software are both considered heros and role models.	举例子
	But the courage that the firefighter showed and creativity that the technician represented are totally different kinds of characters, and neither of them can represent the general situation in the society.	解释例子	这里需要多写一句 进一步解释 普通人的生活是怎样的
para3
	Moreover, character of a society are usually determined by the general culture of a society and therefore should be examined through studying regular people.	主题句2	这个主题句不太好 culture这个概念太大 不好把握
	A society is filled with great diversity of people with different occupation, experience, wealth, etc., but they could share a certain general character.	展开解释
	In order to get the general idea of the society's character, one should study extensively on the regular people in the society and tried to find the characters that people with different background share.	展开解释主题句
	For example, when studying the character of India, it is important to talk to people from different classes, provinces, and income levels, to understand the character of the society there.	举例子	这里没有具体的例子 这个例子很难支持你的分论点
para4
	One may argue that heros and role models are the a group selected from regular people. However, such selection may be associated with different agendas and therefore these special people can't represent the real character of the general society.	主题句，回应挑战	这里的挑战没写出来   没看出怎么挑战你的观点了
	Heros and role models are usually promoted by media, the publicist organization, or certain community, and there could always be some specific agenda or purpose behind these promotions.	展开解释different agenda
	For example, when a society are considered to be lack of honesty, some role models would be created by the government to encourage people to stop cheating.	举例子
	And in such cases, the character that a selected role model shows might just be the one missing in the society.	解释例子
	To sum, to study a society’s character, the best way is not to examine the heros and role models but to study extensively in its regular people.

dingkaUID: 2453299

argument 84

Argument 84
作文内容	动作分析	——内容点评——	——语言点评——
P1
The author of the letter concluded that there's a significant decline in numbers of amphibians in Xanadu National park, based on the data from two studies in 1975 and 2002, he then proposed a explanation that the decline of amphibians could be caused by trout introduction to the park's waters.	总结论点论据		is 不要contraction 断句 introduction of trout
However, there could be other explanations for the difference between the two studies, such as different research scales, or different seasons when researches are conducted.	主旨句前一半，第一第二个论点	解释研究结果不同应该一段就够了 关于trout 写两段比较好
Moreover, if even the number of amphibians actually declined, there could be other explantions, besides introduction of trout, such as the overall species decline of the entire park.	主旨句后一半，第三个论点		even if
P2
To begin with, the two studies may be conducted using totally different study scale.	主旨句1		study scale是什么？
Although compared with that in 1975, less species and less numbers of amphibians are witnessed in 2002, such differences could be caused by shorter research period and smaller scale.	提出其他可能		although的从句不应该用逗号断开 scale？
It is possible that in 1975, the research lasted a few months by a large group of researchers while in 2002, only a few researchers involved in a short-term research that lasted only a few days.	举例子		last for last by researchers 搭配
The 2002 could have found more species and numbers of amphibians, if the research team got more human resource and time.	解释例子		2002不能做主语
P3
Moreover, even if the research method of the two studies are the same, they might be carried out in different seasons.	主旨句2		methods
As a lot of amphibians hibernate in cold seasons, activities of amphibians could be dramatically different in the four seasons.	提出其他可能
Therefore, if the 2002 study were conducted in winter, it might record much less numbers of amphibians than one carried out in summer.	例子		was it 指代不清晰
Hence seasonal changes of amphibians could also be an explanation for the differece between the studies.	解释例子		amphibian behavior
P4
Even if we postulate that there was a drastic decline in species and numbers of each species of amphibians, there could be other explanations, such as the overall environmental degradation of the park.	主旨句3
Other species in the park, though never mentioned in the letter, may also have seen a great number loss.	举例其他可能
It is possible that species and numbers of each species of fish and mammals in the Xanadu also decline greatly in the past 25 years and such changes is not result of introducing preys but severe environmental pollution.	解释例子
P5
To sum up, for the difference between the two studies, there could be other explanations such as different research scales and timing.
Even if the decline of amphibians actually exists, other incidents, such as environment could also be the alternative explanation of the number loss.

主要的问题还是在篇幅的安排上  
你能不能把字体调大一点 我年纪大了眼睛不好

dingkaUID: 2453299

issue 59

Scientists and other researchers should focus their research on areas that are likely to benefit the greatest number of people.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the recommendation and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, describe specific circumstances in which adopting the recommendation would or would not be advantageous and explain how these examples shape your position.

计时思考、写作共12分钟。思路很不深入，看完了之后觉得自己的思路不好，只想到了几个特例。其实我是想写成全部反对的，但没能想好恰当的分类方式，犹豫了一下，又写成正反了。自己也觉得写坏了。
看了老师的范文，还是分类讨论的好。又想了新思路，用汉语简单写在文后了，也希望老师点评下。

计时写作的提纲

	--------------动作分析----------------	——内容点评——	——语言点评——
It is true that if scientists and researchers focus on research fields that are likely to benefit the greatest number of people, they will get more fund and reputation.	表明观点
However, I don't think the claim should be applied to all circumstances.	表明观点
In many research fields related to daily life, benefiting most people should be researchers' concern, while for medicine and some other area, although some researches only benefit a small number of people or bring no obvious benefit at all, researches's attention should be paid to these areas as well.	主旨句	感觉这个主旨句的分类很有问题   前面说 fields related to daily life 但是medicine难道不是么
In researches that related to people's life, it is important for researchers to focus on most people's welfare.	主旨句1		are related
科学研究应该回应大多数人对与更优质便捷生活的需求，例如健康长寿，更便捷的通讯方式等等。
举例子：对于电脑cpu的研究
In medicine, although some disease are very rare and only affect a small group of people, should get attention from scientists.	主旨句2
在医学研究上，一些罕见病虽然很少人罹患，仍然值得研究。
举例子，ALS和冰桶活动的流行
Some research area, such as cosmology, though don't benefit most people, is worth exploring too.	主旨句3
对于一些领域的研究，例如宇宙学，虽然不直接造福人类，依然值得科学家花费精力研究。
登上月球，火星探测的例子。

感觉你的例子其实都挺好 但是你的整体的观点还是面临自相矛盾的风险   下面这个思路貌似不错


经过思考后的新思路：造福大多数人的研究固然重要，但在很多领域，例如工程和医学，少数人的需求同样值得研究；有些领域虽然不直接造福人类也很重要。
1.在工程上，少数人的需求，例如左撇子，残疾人的需求在产品设计上同样重要。例如为左撇子设计鼠标，为盲人设计发声软件。
2.在医学上，罕见病，例如ALS，也值得科学家研究。
3.有些研究，例如宇宙学，考古学，虽然不直接造福人类，但是满足人类的好奇心，也值得研究。

cherrycarrieUID: 2943359

dingka 发表于 2015-6-22 13:06
issue 59

Scientists and other researchers should focus their research on areas that are likely t ...

哈喽你好。我是你的楼下=-=。第一天参加。点评的不好还请见谅

第一个是。我觉得主旨句里面最好能很明白的包括自己的分论点。比如第一个。医学。第二个。宇宙学。最好不要有some other areas?

还有一个就是 （虽然我也并不是那么确定）我觉得医学和工程学的两个例子都是说只能造福少数人但是值得研究，然而是不是应该说一下为啥研究呢。比如宇宙学你就说了是因为满足好奇心。我总感觉需要多specify一点比较好=。=不过是提纲就还好啦。

最后。我看过老师写的提纲，觉得social science 的例子也不错。

好啦。我也不知道这样回复的格式对不对。就这样啦