JN_JN AW 练习贴

JN_JNUID: 3618957

6月1日开始参加2015年AW暑期同主题练习

授权声明

本人为寄托ID：JN_JN的持有人，现通过寄托论坛参与tesolchina的GRE写作研究，在这里授权tesolchina和hj1313的ID持有人使用本帖中本人的习作及互改记录做教学与科研用途。

英语学习背景

2014年GRE作文3分；2014年托福作文26分
下次GRE考试时间：7月末

JN_JNUID: 3618957

习作目录

Date   Floor  Topic      Theme         Time        Words    Comment      Revision
Jun.1     3        I.7     Art&Govn     1h50min     788   

JN_JNUID: 3618957

Issue 7
Some people believe that government funding of the arts is necessary to ensure that the arts can flourish and be available to all people. Others believe that government funding of the arts threatens the integrity of the arts.
Write a response in which you discuss which view more closely aligns with your own position and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should address both of the views presented.
                                                    **********************

It is common that artists and the public found themselves immersed into dilemma in developing independent, sincere and booming art industry. The integrity and funding seem controversial in both art history and present fine art, just as the discussion presented. While I tend to the vote for the significant role of the government in promoting flourishing and public art, although sometimes at the sacrifice of the integrity in terms of topic selection and opinion expression. When alternative funding sources, such as private philanthropy and art auction market, are taken into consideration, our concerns on integrity threatening impairment caused by the government will get released to a large extent.


dilemma in developing independent, sincere and booming art industry 不懂
The integrity and funding seem controversial 不懂  
While I tend to the vote for the significant role不懂


过渡 Government funding helps enhance the reputation and social influence of art, which are significant elements to flourish the art 搭配 . Notably, the definition of "flourish" should be clarified before we illustrate the role of government funding. It is generally accepted that excellent artistic works are those keenly explore and express human emotion and social mind. Therefore, flourishing art should not only stand out in beauty and technique, but also share popularity and influence among the public, including the ordinary people. Admittedly, the initiation of art may be spontaneous, created by brilliant and intuitive mind of artists. However, the spread and influence among the broad mass, which facilitate the prosperity of art, necessarily rely upon the backing of government permission, as well as financial appropriation. Imagine in a country where media press are forbidden to publish postmorden literature, or where government refuse to sponsor postmorden artists to organize open exhibitions, then the connection between postmorden art and the public are cut off to a large extent, impeding the culture infusion and further flourish. Although people usually hold the right to decide upon the money distribution of each kind of art form, with information asymmetry and resource scarcity, they are likely to neglect seemingly meaningless or less influential art when dispensing financial support. Some lucky artworks may receive recognition from connoisseurs, sponsorship from private donors, and high bid in auction market, but lacking of understanding and sympathy from the public, these works can hardly be widely appraised as successful.

are those keenly explore and express human emotion and social mind.
Imagine in a country where media press are forbidden to publish postmorden literature, or where government refuse to sponsor postmorden artists to organize open exhibitions, then the connection between postmorden art and the public are cut off to a large extent, impeding the culture infusion and further flourish.
断句

你这个中间段太长了  
内容过于庞杂混乱
读者根本看不下去
篇幅应控制在5-6句




Government funding is an effective guarantee for all the people to approach art, due to the origination and responsibility of both government and fiscal policy. For most countries around the world, especially those democratic ones, government are voted or formed, in representing the common interest of its people. Accordingly, public policy are designed and conducted to maximize the total welfare of the people, in both theory and practical experience. Art, as the intellectual product of society, also an unsubstitutable instrument in expressing individual emotion and cultivating mass culture, is inevitably emphasized and financially supported by the government. Consequently, government funding, which derived from tax revenue of people, contributes to the establishment of open museum, exhibition center and concert hall, satisfying the demand of the public. Some may argue that government funding may not be the best way, because governmental officials may abuse the financial fund, while ignoring the public interest. But in this case, these officials burden huge risk of stepping down next term, or even facing with impeachment, which will in turn supervise and govern their behaviors.

approach art不懂
due to the origination and responsibility of both government and fiscal policy不懂
government are voted or formed不懂


Funded by government, the integrity of art might be compromised with other criterions more than aesthetic ones, but compared with alternative financial sources, government subsidy could also balance and protect the completeness of artforms. 句子结构混乱
Literally, the criterion "integrity" comprises two standards, independence and completeness, which means adhering to professional aesthetic standards free from being divided or distorted. But in real business world, integrity of art too often run into embarrassed impractical conditions, where artists cannot but cater to the audience, ranging from general public to the wealthy entrepreneurs, in order to market their works and make a living. Unless an artist is absolutely financially independent, or lucky enough to meet a sponsor fully understanding and appreciating his artist pursuit, more or less he will incorporate secular considerations, like market preference and governmental interests, in art creation and self-promotion, compromising the pure aesthetic criterion, and even high moral principles. On the other hand, marginal artforms and humanistic morals, tend to easier survive in multi-culture environment, in which the government raises fund to preserve and safeguard the completeness of art, driven by the interest of its people, especially of the minority groups. Minority culture, along with traditional art, seem more likely to be abandoned by market, individual philanthropists and even artists associations. The government provide a fair chance for the minority to convey their preference and culture, and support the development of their unique art. In this perspective, government funding could better protect the marginal and minority art, minimizing artist losses and distortions brought by undervaluation in market.

段落太长  


反思
1. 严重超时，段落字数失控
2. 每段预论述要点的偏多，不会组织论点间的过渡（除了句首过渡词），难以说明分论点间的关系
3. 不知结尾段如何升华

读完王老师的1+3结构和六大题型，第一次尝试，还望王老师和杀G小伙伴多多指正，蟹蟹！


你的文章问题很多。最明显的问题是段落太长，而且写的很多句子意思太过复杂、表达很不清楚。
我建议你认真读我的范文，模仿我的句子，而不是自己凭空想象乱造句子。

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

JN_JN 发表于 2015-6-2 16:21
Issue 7
Some people believe that government funding of the arts is necessary to ensure that the art ...

已点评

JN_JNUID: 3618957

tesolchina 发表于 2015-6-2 20:18
已点评

理解，谢谢老师~！