jingyuege1的作文练习帖

jingyuege1UID: 3598309

6月15日 Issue 65

Every individual in a society has aresponsibility to obey just laws and to disobey and resist unjust laws.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagreewith the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to addressthe most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challengeyour position.

段落	句子	学生动作总结	内容点评	语言点评
1	I partly agree with the point in  this issue. In my point of view, every individual in a society shall obey  both just and unjust laws.	观点	你怎么partly agree 后面没解释啊
	There is  no doubt that people always obey just laws.	主旨句
	However,  unjust laws have to be obeyed for maintaining the steadiness of a  society.	主旨句
	As to  the unjust laws, people may express their thoughts and suggestions via  certain legal paths.	主旨句
2	To begin with, when the laws are  considered just by the entire society, every individual will obey such laws  so that the society will become orderly and safe.	主题句1
	For  instance,  when we finish reading  a  great book in a library, we should  return it on time instead of taking it away, so that other people can read it  and benefit from this public material.	举例1
	When we  are driving, we should obey traffic laws, and we shall have a better sense of  security because of no traffic accident happens.	举例2		because of no traffic accident happens.表达
	So with  voluntarily obeying just laws, people will live a better life in a society.	小结	这段写得不错
3	However, people should obey  legitimate laws even though such laws are considered unjust.	主题句2
	对于战争的法律多少存在不正义的方面，但是士兵要遵守，市民也要纳税养军，需要遵守法律的权威保障社会的稳定。	举例
	如果不正义的法律就可以不遵守，那么需要有明确分类，而在没有明确分类的情况下，正义的法律也可以不被遵守，机不纯的人可以利用这点来制造社会混乱。因此不正义的法律也必须要遵守	反面论证	不明白你这里说的明确分类是指什么
4	Legal ways for people to express  their thoughts and suggest positive advices should be provided.	主题句3	主题句没有呼应题目主旨
	例如通过热线电话、网络平台、民意调查等方式收集相关的信息，并考虑如何修改、调整、甚至删除相应的不正义法律，使其更加合理，与社会和谐稳定发展保持一致。	展开

你有什么问题可以在这里留言 然后发微信和我讨论

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6.16 argument 15

The followingmemorandum is from the business manager of Happy Pancake House restaurants.
Recently, butter has been replaced by margarinein Happy Pancake House restaurants throughout the southwestern United States.This change, however, has had little impact on our customers. In fact, onlyabout 2 percent of customers have complained, indicating that an average of 98people out of 100 are happy with the change. Furthermore, many servers havereported that a number of customers who ask for butter do not complain whenthey are given margarine instead. Clearly, either these customers do notdistinguish butter from margarine or they use the term 'butter' to refer toeither butter or margarine.

Write a response inwhich you discuss one or more alternative explanations that could rival theproposed explanation and explain how your explanation(s) can plausibly accountfor the facts presented in the argument.

段落	句子	学生动作总结	内容点评	语言点评
1	Happy Pancake House replaced  butter by margarine, which had little impact on their customers.	总结ARGUMENT	你要指出这是谁的观点   总结原论证的基本套路请参考范文
	The  manager offers two reasons, one is only about only 2 percent of customers  have complained, and the other is that the severs received no complain when  customers who ask for butter but got margarine instead.	原文论据		only重复
	Then  this argument showed a conclusion that either the customers does not  distinguish butter from margarine or they thought the two words are  exchangeable.	原文论点	这只是一个次要的结论 主要结论是Little impact
	However,  there are alternative explanations on the low rate of complaints, the report  from the severs, and the conclusion.	主旨句		explanation on the conclusion 搭配
2	To begin with, that only about 2  percent of customers have complained about the change doesn’t necessarily  mean 98 percent of them are happy with the change.	主题句1
	On one  hand, there maybe the majority customers are discontent, but they would never  come back so they choose not to complain.	原因1		there maybe the majority customers are discontent, 严重句子结构问题
	On the  other hand, people may don’t care about the difference between butter and  margarine.	原因2		may don’t care  语法
	However,  neither of the explanations above could be recognized as the customers are  happy with the change.	小结		neither of the explanations above could be recognized as the customers are  happy with the change.严重句子结构和表达问题
3	Furthermore, the report from the  severs could have other explanations.	主题句2		the report from the  severs could have other explanations搭配和表达问题
	首先，服务员提供的数据可能不准确，由于服务员工作较忙，详细记录每位客人的反馈是很难做到的；其次，顾客可能对此十分不满意，但并没有投诉。	解释
4	Finally, these customers who do  not complain may still be able to distinguish butter from margarine.	主是句3	未回应题目要求- alternative explanation
	老顾客第一次吃到margarine可能会觉得是餐厅失误，会选择容忍而不投诉；新顾客发现了这种替换后可能选择不直接投诉给餐厅，而是向消协举报，或者由于餐厅的这种不专业做法而直接放弃再来这里消费。也许专业的美食家吃过后没有投诉给餐厅，而是回去写美食评论，给餐厅做免费“广告”。要得出顾客是否可以区分这两种食物需要更科学和更系统的方法来检测，因此不能仅凭投诉率得出这样的结论。	解释	这么多内容英语写出来会很困难 时间也不够

jingyuege1UID: 3598309

6.18  issue 122

Thebest way to understand the character of a society is to examine the characterof the men and women that the society chooses as its heroes or its role models.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagreewith the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to addressthe most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challengeyour position.

段落	句子	学生动作总结	内容点评	语言点评
1	This statement proposed that one  should examine the character of the heroes or its role models chosen by the  society as their outstanding figures represent the society’s characters.	简述题目		proposes
	I  don’t agree that a society’s heroes or role models always reflect its  characters because many heroes and role models are selected by the  authorities in order to give a set of values or ideals.	主旨句		give - propagate
	Many  societies can share same characters of the heroes, so it may not be unique to  one society.	主旨句		断句
	However,  some people may argue that the proposed way is the best for it’s easy and  effective, there are better approaches to obtain this purpose.	主旨句		for it’s easy and  effective - because it is ... 后一句另起 还是断句问题
2	A society’s heroes or role  models who are selected by the authorities always benefit themselves rather  than reflect the society’s characters.	主题句1		benefit themselves？ 这里themselves指代什么 而且rather than前后的内容没有可比性啊
	The  authorities of government may choose heroes or role models on the wish to  propagate and educate people.	解释主题句		on the wish to 表达 propagate people 搭配
	For  example, Lei Feng is one of the most widely known role mode in China for his  altruism, and the rulers of the Chinese government exemplified his life and  great deeds hoping that all Chinese people would become altruistic as him.	举例		as him.- just like him
	However,  self-interest is an intrinsic character of mankind, one can’t conclude one of  the characters in China is altruism because the hero Lei Feng is altruistic.	小结	我觉得借鉴一下范文及其他同学写得挺好 语言表达问题需要慢慢积累 可以去句子加油站	conclude that
3	Many societies share the same  characters of the heroes or role models, so it’s unable to discern the  distinctive characters in a certain society.	主题句2		it 指代不明 discern? identify?
	比如由于勇敢、爱心被推选为模范的人，举例：警察、教师，可是在许多社会都有这样的例子，因此通过研究模范和英雄人物可以发现这些社会共同的特点，而不能发现这个社会的独特之处。
4	However, some people may argue  that the proposed method is the best approach due to the easiness and  effectiveness in collecting information of heroes and role models.	主题句3 CHANLLAGE		easiness? ease
	现通信和网络都十分发达的今天，可以通过社会媒体、网络、社交平台等了解一个社会对于时下热门事件的评论、态度、行动等方面，可以更清晰地了解这个社会的特点。

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6.19 ARGUMENT 84

The following is aletter to the editor of an environmental magazine.
Two studies of amphibians in Xanadu NationalPark confirm a significant decline in the numbers of amphibians. In 1975 therewere seven species of amphibians in the park, and there were abundant numbersof each species. However, in 2002 only four species of amphibians were observedin the park, and the numbers of each species were drastically reduced. Oneproposed explanation is that the decline was caused by the introduction oftrout into the park's waters, which began in 1975. (Trout are known to eat amphibianeggs.)

Write a response in which you discuss one ormore alternative explanations that could rival the proposed explanation andexplain how your explanation(s) can plausibly account for the facts presentedin the argument.

段落	句子	学生动作总结	内容点评	语言点评
1	In the letter the author cited  the results in two studies in 1975 and 2002, which showed that both the  species and numbers of each species were declined.	重述原文		were declined decline被动时可以是拒绝的意思
	And a  conclusion that the decline was due to the introduction of trout into the  park’s waters since 1975.	重述原文		严重句子结构问题
	However,  there are several other suitable explanations such as changes in  environmental condition, different investigating time, living resources and  introducing other enemies of amphibians.	主旨句		explanation for what?
2	To begin with, the environmental  condition may had a great change during 27 years between 1975 and 2002.	主题句1，环境变化，老师请问这里是用环境好还是天气好？		had changed greatly
	In 1975,  the environmental condition may be comfortable for the amphibians to  live.	1975年的情况
	However,  due to some changes in it, for instance, the green house effect, leading to a  global temperature rise, may turn the once comfortable habitat to an  unfriendly place.	可能产生的变化
	So in  2002, Xanadu National Park was not as a good ecosystem for amphibians to live  as in 1975.	2002年的情况		注意情态动词用法
	Such  factors other than the introduction of trout could be the reasons for the  decline of amphibians.	小结
3	Moreover, contrasting studies in  1975 and 2002 shall not be accurate because the studies  may be conducted in different seasons of a  year.	主题句2，两次试验的时间不同		shall not be accurate表达
	参考范文思路，如果1975年的研究春天动物比较活跃的时期，而后者在冬天由于某些动力有冬眠的习惯，将会得到02年比75年动物数量下降的结果，然而这并不能反映实际的情况。		注意要强调这是对某件事的解释 要把这件事明确
4	Finally, reducing of living  resources may cause amphibians to decline.	主题句3 生存资源紧张		reducing- reduction living resources不懂
	比如由于公园改造，缩小了amphibians的生存空间，增加了amphibians获得食物的难度；
	Besides,  introducing of other enemies which prey on amphibians will cause the decline  of amphibians.	这里写其他天敌好，还是写引入其他依靠相同食物来源的物种好呢？	和主题句内容并不符合 另外要强调是什么现象的解释
	除了trout，由于其他天敌的引入，也会降低amphibians的数量。

jingyuege1UID: 3598309

6.22 issue 59

Scientists and other researchers should focus their research on areas that are likely to benefit the greatest number of people.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the recommendation and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, describe specific circumstances in which adopting the recommendation would or would not be advantageous and explain how these examples shape your position.

段落	句子	学生动作总结	内容点评	语言点评
1	Some people may argue that  scientists and other researchers should focus their research on areas that  are likely to benefit the greatest number of people.	重复原文
	I think  this argument is available in computer science.	主旨句		argument - available 选词搭配
	But  when it comes to scientists in medical sciences and social sciences, their  research on areas may benefit only a few people, but still make a lot of  sense.	主旨句		make a lot of  sense.选词
2	To begin with, scientists and  researchers in computer science should focus on their research on areas to  benefit the greatest number of people.	主题句1
	原因：电子和电脑科学贴近人们的生活。
	例子：通过提升电脑CPU运算速度  ，使电脑可以高速运行大软件、处理更多数据		你说的这些并不是计算机科学的问题 而是计算机工程的问题   不太确定你这段的核心逻辑是什么 同样的逻辑可以运用到其他领域
	解释：通过电脑运行速度的提升，人们可以更便捷更高效的使用电脑处理工作
	例子：通过使电脑变得更加轻薄，方便人们的使用
3	However, in medical sciences,  scientists and researcher take more effort in searching method to deal with  diseases that only a few people suffered.	主题句2		make more effort
	解释：比如癌症、AIDS虽然只有少数人患有这些疾病，但出于对困难的挑战，对科学的探索，科学家们仍要专注于研究治疗疾病的对策。
4	Finally, social scientists  concerned with practical problems that only a small percentage of people are  confronting with.	主题句3
	举例：中国同性恋问题研究
	解释：虽然同性恋问题只是少数人在经历，解决好这方面问题将对社会平等作出巨大贡献

后面两段的例子还不错
但是你在主题句直接讲这些具体领域 那么其他领域怎么办呢
需要从这些具体领域的讨论抽象到一般的领域才行  反馈：老师，我不太明白您的意思，我看您的范文在主题句里也直接讲领域了啊，那我应该怎么写才能从抽象到一般呢？能否具体一点，谢谢老师！
这个问题其他几个同学也有
可以参考一下我的范文

dingchenchenUID: 3602968

主旨句1：To begin with, scientists and  researchers in computer science should focus on their research on areas to  benefit the greatest number of people.

我觉得你这个主旨句的例子可以是，计算机或网络的普及可以缩小人们在获取信息上的差距，可以促进教育公平，使得每个学生都可以享受网络教学资源。

其他的两个例子不错。：）

jingyuege1UID: 3598309

6.26 issue 57

The main benefitof the study of history is to dispel the illusion that people living now aresignificantly different from people who lived in earlier times.
Write a response in which you discuss the extentto which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoningfor the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, youshould consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true andexplain how these considerations shape your position.

段落	句子	学生动作总结	内容点评	语言点评
1	I totally disagree with this  statement.	观点
	Because  by studying history, we can clearly see the difference in physiology and  identity system between people living in nowadays and earlier times.	主旨句		because不能引出完整句子
	Furthermore,  the educational value of studying history is very important.	主旨句		is very important--> should not be overlooked
2	To begin with, I believe that by studying  history, we can clearly see the difference in physiology.	主题句1		the difference between people ... and people ... in terms of ...
	由于饮食结构变化，现代人更懂得根据人体营养需要，搭配不同种类蔬菜、肉类和水果，不同于古代人仅为填饱肚子，不关注吃是否健康的进食行为。进而，现代人平均寿命长于古代人。  相反，古代人长期进行狩猎、劳作等体力活动，现代人更多从事办公室内的工作，依靠脑力劳动，因此相对于古代人，现代人拥有更多的肥胖及近视眼等健康问题。
3	Likewise, out identity system modernized  since pre-modern world.	主题句2		identity system- ideologies/ belief systems
	在以前，贵族出身就是贵族，平民出身就是平民，这是被当时社会认为理所当然的道理。而现代社会，所有人拥有平等竞争的机会，平民出身的人可以通过自身的努力获得社会的认可，成为社会的领袖。
4	Finally, a very important  benefit of studying history is its educational value.	主题句3
	通过学习WWII，了解战争的残酷，对人民和国家带来的伤害，使世界向和平友好的方向发展。通过学习中国古代文化，可以了解科技和艺术发发展的历程，领略诗词绘画带来的享受。

思路上参考我的范文没有问题 只要措辞是自己的就ok


全文已写__________________________________________________________________________________
57 The main benefit of the study of history is to dispel the illusion that people living now are significantly different from people who lived in earlier times.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

I don’t agree with the statement for people living now are significantly different from ancient people in physiology and belief system. And I think the main benefit of the study of history is to deeper understand today’s life.

more deeply
题目是dispel the illusion that A is different from B
也就是说认为 A is different from B 是illusion （A和B并无不同） 那你不同意A is different from B 就是承认这是illusion咯



To begin with, people living now are significantly different in physiology. Due to the technology advance, we never need to hunt animals and pick up fruit and vegetable for food as ancient people do. Instead, we provide ourselves various of food with all kinds of nutrition to satisfy our daily requirement. In consequence, people living now are much taller and living longer than ancient people.



Moreover, our belief systems have also been modernized since Industrial Revolution. In earlier time, social positon was taken for granted by all the people. Noblemen were born as noblemen while peasants were born as peasants. However, as the hierarchy abolished and the society become fair and equal to all people, those who own talent and great ability to make contribution to our world can move to the high class of the society.

hierarchy abolished动词用法
higher class

前面两段要注意点题就是题目说的那个不是illusion
看的出来在努力的模仿 加油！ 中间段细节展开还不够


Finally, the statement underestimated the value of learning history. The more important benefit is that we can obtain a better understanding of today’s life. History is not simply a reconstruction of what happened before. It is a story we invented about the past which can help us better understand the relation between past and now. The study of Industry Revolution is not to know how people devised steam engines but to be aware of the influence of it. Likewise, the study of World War II would warn political leaders nowadays to cherish peace.



In conclusion, people living now are significantly different from ancient people in physiology and belief system. And the main benefit of the study of history is to get a deeper understanding of the relation between past and now.

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

jingyuege1 发表于 2015-6-23 00:04
6.22 issue 59

Scientists and other researchers should focus their research on areas that are lik ...

我的范文里讲的领域是大领域 工程、自然科学和社会科学 基本上包括了所有的学科 （文史哲除外）
然后再工程之下再具体举一个工程学科  自然科学、社会科学也是  
这个和你直接说具体领域是不同的

刘小帆童鞋UID: 3606137

jingyuege1 发表于 2015-6-26 09:35
6.26 issue 57The main benefitof the study of history is to dispel the illusion that people living no ...

我是你楼下的，不好意思，我今天才交作业，所以现在过来评你的作文。

第一段，because是conj词性，所以只能用在句子中。单独引起一个句子的必须是adv词性。
difference要不要加s。你是两个领域的不同之处。

第二段，展开部分，我跟你想的一样。我提到的是现代人寿命更长久。

第三段，没有点评的地方。

第四段，我也写了二战。不过我写的是二战是残酷，并且牺牲了很多老百姓和战俘。于是各国在战后提出了日内瓦公约（Geneva conventions），保护没有武装的老百姓和已经缴械投降的战俘。

jingyuege1UID: 3598309

tesolchina 发表于 2015-6-26 09:38
我的范文里讲的领域是大领域 工程、自然科学和社会科学 基本上包括了所有的学科 （文史哲除外）
然后再工 ...

哦哦~

jingyuege1UID: 3598309

刘小帆童鞋 发表于 2015-6-26 11:39
我是你楼下的，不好意思，我今天才交作业，所以现在过来评你的作文。

第一段，because是conj词性，所以 ...

谢谢亲！我一会儿去改！

jingyuege1UID: 3598309

6月29日 ISSUE78

People's attitudes are determined more by their immediatesituation or surroundings than by society as a whole.

Write a response in which youdiscuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement andexplain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supportingyour position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or mightnot hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

段落	句子	学生动作总结	内容点评	语言点评
1	Society as a whole, immediate  situation and surroundings are factors that will impact people’s attitudes.	重复原文
	In  this issue, it points out that immediate situation or surroundings are more  powerful element in shaping people’s attitudes.	重复原文
	However,  I don’t agree with this statement.	主旨句
	In my  opinion, people’s attitudes are determined by society through education,  media, and political policies which also, to a large extent, determine the  situation and surroundings in which we find ourselves.	主旨句
2	To begin with, people’s  attitudes are determined by society through education.	主题句1
	Education  is the fundamental resource for establishing people’s attitudes from their  beginning to gain knowledge.	展开
	举例：从小我们学习乐于助人的思想，在别人遇到困难的时候，我们要主动伸出双手帮助他们，而不是冷漠的袖手旁观。我们的观念由此形成。大到红十字协会、基金会、义务献血，小到身边的援助活动、爱心捐款等，都是为处于困难中的人送去关怀和帮助。正是由于人们受到社会提供的教育，影响了身边的环境。
3	Moreover, people’s attitudes are  also determined by the society through media.	主题句2
	Media  such as advertisement in TV, magazines, newspapers which occupy a big part of  individual’s daily life having a strong effect in shaping people’s attitude.
	举例：越来越多的广告，使人们更加注重物质层面的追求。人们甚至认为，拥有和使用越贵的奢侈品，这个人的社会地位和价值就越高，从而忽略了精神层面的重要性。因此，媒体的宣传使人们形成了根据物质判断一个人的价值的态度。近年中国到欧洲旅游及购买奢侈品的大妈众多，为了解决语言问题及提高销量，绝大多欧洲的奢侈品商店都配有会讲中国话的售货员。正是由于人们对待奢侈品的态度，导致了这样的购物环境的产生。
4	Finally, the society may also  influence people’s attitude through government policies.	主题句3
	没有好观点，借用范文   In recent years, Gay marriages have become increasingly acceptable in  America and Europe countries due to the government adopted policies towards  marriages of homosexual marriage.
	Despite  of some disapproval activities from social groups, people in the society have  largely changed their attitude form rejection to acceptance.
	未来将出现更多为同性婚姻准备的产品和服务，政策的改变进而影响了生活环境的改变。

jingyuege1UID: 3598309

issue或argument题号：argument 1

练习日期：6月2日

相关习作句子或段落：

PT1: The circumstance of Brim Rive in ancient time should beprovided, since a great geographical change may happened.

老师点评

这个主题句就不咋地了 circumstance和provide搭配有问题  主题句的内容要呼应题目的重点 这里显然没有啊

修改

PT1: To begin with,more evidence need to show that the geographical of Brim River has not changedsince prehistory.

=====================================

issue或argument题号：argument 14

练习日期：6月4日

相关习作句子或段落及老师点评：

PT1:Specimen in the survey seem too narrow to represent every field. Since advertisingis only a single and specialized industry in which employees may have tosacrifice their sleep time for making profit, however, this circumstance maynot apply to other fields.

Specimen选词  
你的主题句没有回应题目的要求 即assumption 建议去看看范文的主题句是怎么写的  

PT2: Thepoint that sleeping time is a decisive matter in a company’s development shallbe proposed hastily. Other factors such as working efficiency andresponsibility may also contribute to the success of the executives.

不明白the point that这句在说啥  
同意没有提到assumption  

PT3: Ithas been acknowledged that short of sleep may lead to health problems. Itcertainly palys a negative role in the development of business.

也没有提到assumption

你可以去看看我的范文 或者把范文的主题句同意转换一下  
另外 写提纲的时候应该简略用汉语讨论一下打算如何展开  

感觉你的argument还需要多看范文  

修改：当时写的时候还没注意ARGUMENT的分类，所以没有强调ASSUMPTION

PT1: To begin with, the assumption that thesurvey results can be applied to a larger extent may not hold true. Sample inthe survey seem too narrow to represent every field. Since advertising is onlya single and specialized industry in which employees may have to sacrificetheir sleep time for making profit, however, this circumstance may not apply toother fields.

PT2: In addition, we shall examine theassumption that the amount of sleep is a direct factor which affect the successof the firms. Other factors such as working efficiency and responsibility mayalso contribute to the success of the executives.

PT3:Finally, it is assumed that executives with less need for sleep can help thefirm to gain a long-term prosperity. However,It has been acknowledged thatshort of sleep may lead to health problems. It certainly palys a negative rolein the development of business.
=================================================================

issue或argument题号：argument 78

练习日期：6月9日

相关习作句子或段落及老师点评：

The vice president made a conclusion of keeping cooperating with  Buzzoff, since the lower loss was caused.

注意审题
return to

修改：

The vice president made a conclusion of returning to Buzzoff for all the pest control services, since the lower loss was caused.

=================================================================

issue或argument题号：argument 28

练习日期：6月12日

相关习作句子或段落及老师点评：又是一个ASSUMTION类型的ARGUMENT，还是犯了与之前相同的错误，在主题句里面没有回应ASSUMPTION！

jingyuege1UID: 3598309

7.13 ISSUE 15
写完了，先放这儿，明天编成表格。
Educational institutions should actively encourage their students to choose fields of study that will prepare them for lucrative careers.

表格什么的 不强求了

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

1.        不能保证一定找到，还有其他因素
2.        没有兴趣也活得不开心，赚不到钱
3.        挑战，校友捐钱~但是没钱也捐不了

I totally disagree with the point that educational institutions should actively encourage their students to choose fields for lucrative careers. First, no major will assure a lucrative career for students, 断句many other factors are needed for finding such jobs. Second, granted that students follow the institutions’ advice, they may not get a lucrative career due to lacking of interest. While educational institutions may hope that their students will be rich and expect for their feeding back, this policy may not take effect.
point？ 选词
their feeding back 表达




To begin with, there are so many different majors in educational institutions. However, no major will promise the students who study in this field a lucrative career. To get a lucrative job, except major, many other factors such as government policy, good interpersonal skills, a booming industry, good lucks, etc. are need. Some hot majors like computer science, economy, accounting may offer students a higher rate to get a good job after graduate. Whereas, such fields may fade out due to the changes of government policy. So the educational institutions shouldn’t impose on the student’s choice on picking major, unless it can assure a lucrative career.

主题句和lucrative career联系不够紧密
except major表达
are needed-factor -need 搭配
economics
offer students a higher rate 表达和搭配
after graduation
Whereas 用法
such fields may fade out  搭配



Moreover, if students follow the institutions’ advice to pick up a certain major which they have no interest, they may not get a lucrative job either. Interest and enthusiasm are the most important motives for students to study. Without them, they would neither deeply dig into the courses, nor transmit the knowledge from books into their own. Even worse, the students may not meet the demand by the job. Suppose that they get a lucrative job after graduate, the life will also become boring and meaningless without loving the job they are doing. So the educational institutions should not make such advices.

dig into the courses搭配
meet the demand by the job搭配  这句话没有解释
suppose这句和前面不连贯
advice不可数




Many educational institutions make the policy in order to cultivate alumni. Prominent alumni will surely donate money or provide resources. So these institutions will become more competitive that many excellent teachers and students will be attracted. While, it is overlooked that graduates will not get lucrative careers after studying majors they don’t even have any interest. Let alone turning to prominent alumni. So the graduates may not be rich enough to donate money to their schools.

没有提出可能挑战和回应的动作
while的用法
it is overlooked that搭配 用法
will not要注意Hedging may not  


In conclusion, it is understandable that educational institutions encourage their students to choose fields of study with a wish that they will become an influential people to provide back ups, such a policy may not take effect because no major will warrant lucrative careers, and students may get a job they don’t like by choosing a wrong field.



an influential people to provide back ups 不懂




感觉比之前有进步 但是语言表达的问题还是很严重

jingyuege1UID: 3598309

7.14 argument 32
The following appeared in a memo from a vice president of Quiot Manufacturing.
During the past year, Quiot Manufacturing had 30 percent more on-the-job accidents than at the nearby Panoply Industries plant, where the work shifts are one hour shorter than ours. Experts say that significant contributing factors in many on-the-job accidents are fatigue and sleep deprivation among workers. Therefore, to reduce the number of on-the-job accidents at Quiot and thereby increase productivity, we should shorten each of our three work shifts by one hour so that employees will get adequate amounts of sleep.

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.


1.        假设了P比Q少30%的原因是班次少了一个小时
2.        假设了减少工作时间员工就能睡得更好
3.        假设了充分睡觉就能使工伤下降



In the memo of the vice president of Quiot Manufacturing, he wanted to decrease the number of on-the-job accidents through shortening work shifts’ time. However, we have to fully examine the factors causing accidents in Quiot, the relationship between working time and rest, connections in sleeping time and accident in order to evaluate this argument.

主旨句里没有提到assumption   


To begin with, it is assumed that Panoply Industries plant had a lesser rate of on-the-job accidents because that their work shifts are one hour shorter. However, many other factors may contribute to such a result. For instance, the amount of workers in two plants are not the same. If the working condition in Panoply is far better than in Quiot, of course less accident will happen. Also, different safety control policy will affect the rate of on-the-job accidents. Since so many factors can cause the lesser on-the-job accident rate in Panoply, by the working time alone may not result in the different rate in two plants

because后面不跟that
the numbers of workers ...
接下来跳到讲working condition 没有过渡 前一个也没讲清楚
lesser - lower  
by the working time alone句子结构


Moreover, it is assumed that the employees will get adequate amounts of sleep by reducing work shifts. There are many factors that may affect the amount of sleep of the workers. Some works may choose to watch TV or play computer games or reading novel till midnight, 断句some may go to bars or clubs hanging out with their friends. While after work, they may also take a part time job for making extra money or prepare GRE test for studying abroad. So reduce work shift will not assure that the workers will get adequate amounts of sleep.

works- workers 你写完了要自己检查一遍啊  
注意断句
prepare GRE test for studying abroad - 汗  (applying for US graduate schools) reduce work shift will 语法



Last, it is assumed that enough sleep will lead to less amount of on-the-job incidents. However, only focusing on sleeping time may not solve this problem. These incidents may be caused because that the workers didn’t get enough safety training, or didn’t stick to the working procedure, or they didn’t not have enough skill to handle the job, or the working environment was dangerous. So only deal with sleeping time will not diminish the amount of incidents.


less amount of on-the-job incidents- 选词 amount是针对不可数名词的
incidents- accidents
These incidents may be caused because that  表达
So only deal with sleeping time will句子结构




语言表达问题仍然非常严重




In conclusion, we need more information about the reason of the incidents in Quiot, how will the reduced work shift affect the worker’s sleep in order to fully evaluate this argument.