jingyuege1的作文练习帖

jingyuege1UID: 3598309

英语学习背景：没啥背景，六级而已
过往考试经历：还没考过G/T
首次考G时间：8.31
本人为寄托ID：jingyuege1的持有人，现通过本论坛参与tesolchina的GRE写作研究，在这里授权tesolchina和hj1313的ID持有人使用本人的所有习作及互改记录做教学与科研用途。

jingyuege1UID: 3598309

目录
4楼    6月2号   Argument 1     已点评，VERSION 1.0
8楼    6月3号   ISSUE 62         已点评，VERSION 1.0
9楼    6月4号   Argument 14   已点评，VERSION 1.0
12楼  6月8日   Issue28/113    已点评，VERSION 1.0
13楼  6月9日   Argument 78    已点评，VERSION 1.0
14楼  6月11日 ISSUE 33         已点评，VERSION 1.0
15楼  6月12日 Argument28     已点评，VERSION 2.0
16楼  6月15日 Issue 65          已点评，VERSION 1.0
17楼  6月16日 argument 15    已点评，VERSION1.0
18楼  6月18日  issue 122        已点评，VERSION1.0
19楼  6月19日  ARGUMENT84  已点评，VERSION1.0
20楼  6月22日 ISSUE59          已点评， VERSION1.0
22楼  6月25日   ISSUE57        未点评，写了全文VIERSION1.0
27楼  6月29日   ISSUE78        未点评，VIERSION1.0
28楼  6月29日 内容反馈之一：回应题目关键词和遵循写作指引 未完待续！
29楼  7月13日   ISSUE 15       已点评，VIERSION1.0
30楼  7月14日  ARGUMENT 32 已点评，VIERSION1.0
31楼  7月15日  ISSUE13         已点评，VIERSION1.0
32楼  7月16日  ARGUMENT 85 未点评，VIERSION1.0
33楼  7月20日  ISSUE91         已点评， VIERSION1.0
34楼  7月21日 ARGUMENT54   已点评，VIERSION1.0
35楼  7月22日  ISSUE78          已点评，VIERSION1.0
36楼  7月23日  ARGUMENT121 已点评，VIERSION1.0
37楼  7月27日  ISSUE100       已点评， VIERSION1.0
38楼  7月28日  Argument 100  已点评， VIERSION1.0
39楼  7月29日  ISSUE105        已点评， 补的作业，VIERSION1.0
40楼  7月30日  Argument 34   已点评， VIERSION1.0
41楼  8月10日  Arugment166  未点评， VIERSION1.0

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

楼主加油 尤其要看看我的博客274楼
https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mo ... ge=19#pid1779456413

jingyuege1UID: 3598309

6月2号   Argument 1  
Woven baskets characterized by a particular distinctive pattern have previously been found only in the immediate vicinity of the prehistoric village of Palea and therefore were believed to have been made only by the Palean people. Recently, however, archaeologists discovered such a "Palean" basket in Lithos, an ancient village across the Brim River from Palea. The Brim River is very deep and broad, and so the ancient Paleans could have crossed it only by boat, and no Palean boats have been found. Thus it follows that the so-called Palean baskets were not uniquely Palean.

Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.

这个argument的结论是：The so-called Palean baskets were not uniquely Palean
主要的论据包括：
-Archaeologists discovered such a "Palean" basket in Lithos
-The Brim River is very deep and broad, and so the ancient Paleans could have crossed it only by boat
-No Palean boats have been found

In this argumnet, it was assumed that the Palean baskets were not uniquely possessed by Palean, according to the evidence that such a basket has been discovered in Lithos as well as no boat for crossing the Brim River between the two villages has been found. Nevertheless, the evidence seems so insufficent that more information need to be presented in prehistory such as the circumstance of Brim Rive, whether or not boat was the only method to travel, other possibilities for the basket to show up in Lithos, in order to evaluate the argument.

这个开头写的不错 句型什么的都可以


pt1：The circumstance of Brim Rive in ancient time should be provided, since a great geographical change may happened.
这个主题句就不咋地了 circumstance和provide搭配有问题  主题句的内容要呼应题目的重点 这里显然没有啊

pt2:  At that time, people in Palea or Lithos may traveled between the two villages by ways like bridge or vehicles other than boat only.
这个也是 需要指出哪方面的证据  

pt3: Other possibilities for the basket to show up in Lithos is also an essential evidence to take in to consideration, for example, the basket could float in water.

possibilities配evidence也不对  

另外提纲的话 也要写一点后面如何展开  




天啊————千呼万唤，我终于在这个夜班迈出了AW的第一步，虽然借鉴了很多，还只是写题纲，研究了快两个小时，错误也很多，但是好歹我是写了，我想给自己点个赞T.T，谢谢各位亲！


加油啊 你先这样每天跟着写提纲 周末可以试下写全文
两周后就可以限时写全文了

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

jingyuege1 发表于 2015-6-3 02:43
Woven baskets characterized by a particular distinctive pattern have previously been found only in t ...

已点评

ee_stoneUID: 3573213

jingyuege1 发表于 2015-6-3 02:43
Woven baskets characterized by a particular distinctive pattern have previously been found only in t ...

为你这么拼，我 也先来赞一个 ！
我觉得你第一次尝试 ，就能把 第一段 写的这么清楚，很强。
你的 这三个点好像和我 的逻辑 非常相似，虽然我也 写的不怎么样，但 你 可以看看我写的和之后老师对我的点评。或许我是个反面列子，那你也可以避免我犯的错误。
对于主题句的 展开，感觉是有 套路的，把你想质疑的例证抛出，然后推断其他的可能性。这个在王老师的 Argument模式里有很详细的 解释 。
最后，加油， 加油，加油！

jingyuege1UID: 3598309

ee_stone 发表于 2015-6-3 23:07
为你这么拼，我 也先来赞一个 ！
我觉得你第一次尝试 ，就能把 第一段 写的这么清楚，很强。
你的 这三 ...

呵呵，谢谢，希望能共同进步，我后面展开的时候没有把每一段的观点写出来，而是写成了后面每一段的第一句，这是个误解，后面需要改正一下，现在准备开始写今天的作业！

jingyuege1UID: 3598309

6月3号   ISSUE 62  
Leaders are created by the demands that are placed on them.
        
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.


As to create leaders, some may argue that the demands that are placed on them is an primary factor. I suppose that key element for creating leaders alters in different fields.For scientific and medical leaders, experience and professional technology are critical for them to gain the position. Likewise, people with strong justice are more probable to be elected leader in legal field. However, in social movements, the leaders are often created by the demands that are placed on them.

create leaders动词形式
alters 选词  
people with strong justice - 这个条件不充分吧 更重要的还是相关的训练和资历
这个主旨句的层次还比较清晰  



pt1:leaders in scientific and medical area are created by their professional expertise and abundant experience in doing research or making a diagnose, instead of the demands placed on them.

diagnose- 词性
感觉diagnosis医学领域只是很小的一个部分 把它放在主题句不太合适 后面不好展开  


pt2:leaders in legal field rely more on justice.People are willing to be leaded by a person and trust him often because of the justice he can bring them. Making suitable laws, people are treated fairly and they can corresponds others in great harmony.

同上 sense of justice固然需要 但是作为leaders 更需要 Professional training and qualification
当然这个可能会和上段有重复

pt3:in social movements, there are always demands to be satisfied. slaveries eager for liberty in a colony, people in a war long for peace, thus, 断句 leaders are definitely created for fulfilling these wishes.

demands to be satisfied 搭配  
slaveries eager for liberty  词性

你这里的社会运动和你后面的例子似乎不太吻合   
而且不太确定你能找到很合适的例子展开这一段  

感觉你写提纲的时候最好能想清楚中间段用什么例子以及如何展开  不仅仅是写主题句  

总的来说这是一个好的开始 至少你已经初步掌握了1+3模型  

jingyuege1UID: 3598309

6月4日 argument 14

Argument 14 

The following appeared as part of an article in a business magazine.
A recent study rating 300 male and female Mentian advertising executives according to the average number of hours they sleep per night showed an association between the amount of sleep the executives need and the success of their firms. Of the advertising firms studied, those whose executives reported needing no more than 6 hours of sleep per night had higher profit margins and faster growth. These results suggest that if a business wants to prosper, it should hire only people who need less than 6 hours of sleep per night.

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.

结论：if a business wants to prosper, it should hire only people who need less than 6 hours of sleep per night.
论点：1. according to the average number of hours of the advertising executives sleep per night showed an association between the amount of sleep the executives need and the success of their firms.

这是完整的句子么？ 好像语法有问题

        2. Of the advertising firms studied, those whose executives reported needing no more than 6 hours of sleep per night had higher profit margins and faster growth.


我要补充的方面：1、提供的样本范围太窄，不具有普遍性
                                2、只考查了睡眠与职业的关系，而这不一定是直接的影响因素
                                3、长期的睡眠不足会影响健康，从长远角度考虑会使阻碍公司的发展

前两点还是不错的  
第三点单独成一段可能内容不够  


TS:  This argument showed a result that a company should hire people who need less than 6 hours of sleep per night from investigating a relationship between the amount of sleep the advertising executives need and the success of their firms.  To evaluate the argument, more punctilious assumptions about the generalizability(可不可以用catholicity?) of the survey, the reliability between sleep and success，and deficiency caused by lacking of sleep in long-term perspective, should be addressed.

catholicity 这种不熟的词慎用  

This argument showed a result 表达 关于概括原题的argument  范文里有不少成熟的句型可以去看看  
more punctilious assumptions 不应该用more 后面这个词 呵呵
deficiency caused这里的deficiency指的是什么？  



PT1: Specimen in the survey seem too narrow to represent every field. Since advertising is only a single and specialized industry in which employees may have to sacrifice their sleep time for making profit, however, this circumstance may not apply to other fields.

Specimen选词  
你的主题句没有回应题目的要求 即assumption 建议去看看范文的主题句是怎么写的  

PT2: The point that sleeping time is a decisive matter in a company’s development shall be proposed hastily. Other factors such as working efficiency and responsibility may also contribute to the success of the executives.

不明白the point that这句在说啥  
同意没有提到assumption  

PT3: It has been acknowledged that short of sleep may lead to health problems. It certainly palys a negative role in the development of business.

也没有提到assumption

你可以去看看我的范文 或者把范文的主题句同意转换一下  
另外 写提纲的时候应该简略用汉语讨论一下打算如何展开  

感觉你的argument还需要多看范文  

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

jingyuege1 发表于 2015-6-4 10:08
6月3号   ISSUE 62  
Leaders are created by the demands that are placed on them.
        

已点评

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

jingyuege1 发表于 2015-6-5 01:23
6月4日 argument 14

Argument 14 

已点评

jingyuege1UID: 3598309

6月8日 Issue28/113

Claim: The surest indicator of a great nation is not the achievements of its rulers, artists, or scientists.
Reason: The surest indicator of a great nation is actually the welfare of all its people.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim and the reason on which that claim is based.


我还处于写题纲的阶段，不过今天看了老师和几位同学的范文，于是想除了达标之外，也抖胆写一个中间段。

句子	学生动作总结	内容点评	语言点评
Para.1
People may hold different views of what exactly a great nation is.	委婉表达概念	这个算是介绍背景吧
In my point, such a nation shall has made positive impact on the contemporary world or had significant contributions to history human being.	提出具体概念		in my viewpoint/ in my opinion should have
I don’t think either the claim or the reason in this issue is supportive.	主旨句，表明立场		supportive/ correct
I believe that the surest indicator of a great nation is the achievements of its rulers, artists, or scientists.	主旨句，表明立场，同时重复原文
In my following statements, I will begin with pointing out why the welfare of people is not a good indicator, afterwards, I will respectively discuss why achievements of elites are better indicator in nowadays and history.	主旨句（pt1,pt2,pt3）		indicator; historically and in contemporary society
para.2
Firstly, the welfare of people may lead to a high quality of life, but it can’t make a country to be a great nation.	主题句pt1		it can’t make a country to be 表达 注意hedge
Due to an abundant resource or some natural advantages, it is certain that the government may guarantee all kinds of insurance in medical, education and social infrastructure so that people may live an enjoyable life there.	对观点的让步		an abundant resource -> availability of abudant natural resources 注意hedge
However, the welfare of people does not response to the development of other nations, Let alone make contributions to the history human being.	真正的观点		response - respond 不懂respond to development history of
So, in this perspective, the welfare of people may not be regarded as a good indicator to judge if a nation is great or not.	对主题句进行肯定
para.3
In modern society, achievements of a nation’s rulers, artists, or scientists benefit to other nations even the whole world.	主题句pt2
For instance 美国打击恐怖组织对和平做出的贡献。	举例	感觉美国自己就是一个恐怖国家
Looking back to the history of development of human world, there are also achievements of elites in a nation which had significant impact both to their compatriots and the people all over the world.	主题句pt3
举例说明中国的四大发明~	举例

jingyuege1UID: 3598309

6.9  Argument 78
The following appeared in a memo from the vice presidentof a food distribution company with food storage warehouses in several cities.
Recently, we signed acontract with the Fly-Away Pest Control Company to provide pest controlservices at our fast-food warehouse in Palm City, but last month we discoveredthat over $20,000 worth of food there had been destroyed by pest damage.Meanwhile, the Buzzoff Pest Control Company, which we have used for many years,continued to service our warehouse in Wintervale, and last month only $10,000worth of the food stored there had been destroyed by pest damage. Even thoughthe price charged by Fly-Away is considerably lower, our best means of savingmoney is to return to Buzzoff for all our pest control services.

Write a response inwhich you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument andexplain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.

句子	学生自评	内容点评	语言点评
A contrast of capital loss due to pest damage between two  warehouses which are separately serviced by Fly-Away Pest Control Company and  Buzzoff Pest Control Company was show in this memo.	概括题目		contrast? comparison show? 动词形式
The vice president made a conclusion of keeping cooperating with  Buzzoff, since the lower loss was caused.	概括题目	注意审题 return to
However, more evidences are needed to fully assess this  argument, such as details about pest damage, total goods value in two  warehouses, past performance of two companies.	主旨句		evidence不可数
PT1: To begin with, whether pest damage  situation was the same in Palm City and Wintervale should be considered.  Damage degree alters with different kinds and amount of pests.	主题1		pest damage  situation表达
当然不同种的食物也会招致不同程度的虫害，也许B公司所面临的虫害问题远小于FA公司的，那么就不能够充分说明B控制虫害的能力优于FA公司。	展开
PT2：Moreover, the total value of the goods stored in different  warehouse is a important factor to assess.	主题2
因此可以计算两个公司的损失所占的比重。如果B公司占的比重大，还是坚持选择与B公司合作，不能够达到节省投资的结果。	展开
PT3：Finally, it is inadequate to make a judgement only by one  month’s record of servicing one warehouse.	主题3
应该仔细研究两家公司近几年的业绩、口碑和信誉等方面，进行综合评判，得出最明智的结论。	展开

感觉你的几个点都找的挺好 语言表达的问题较多

jingyuege1UID: 3598309

6.11 Issue 33

As we acquire more knowledge, things do not become more comprehensible, butmore complex and mysterious.


Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagreewith the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. Indeveloping and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which thestatement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerationsshape your position.

段落	句子	学生动作总结	内容点评	语言点评
1	As the development of science  and technology, people gain more knowledge.	复述原文		with the development...
	After  this, will things become more comprehensible or more complex and  mysterious?	复述原文		时态应该是一般现在时
	In my  opinion, it depends on what kinds of people we are discussing. To the public,  more knowledge will make thing more comprehensible to them while to the  scientists and researches, more complex and mysterious.	主旨句（PT1,PT2,PT3)		后面的句子写完整 要想学省略用法 先看10个省略的例句
2	To begin with, acquire more  knowledge would make things more comprehensible to general public  people.	主题句1：PT1		acquire 动词形式
	It do  help public eople with understanding the mysterious and profound phenomena  which always happen around us.	对主题句的肯定		do -does
	学习医学知识，使得人们不再相信迷信，期待神鬼能使病人痊愈。学习营养知识，人们知道如何通过不同食物的搭配，满足人体每日所需要的维生素、蛋白质等各种营养，生活得更健康。学习心理知识，可以了解人的行为	举例	你的例子如何回应题目中more comprehensible
3	However, more knowledge will  lead things even complex as to scientists and researchers.	主题句2：PT2		for scientists ...
	A  certain knowledge shall explain a problem in science, but with the critical  thinking of scientists and researchers, a test on the explanation may cause  more questions.	过渡句
	例如：科学家发明了电，然后要研究如何大规模发电，需要用什么能源来发电，什么能源既高效又清洁，因此发现了核电，有了核电如何保证安全，  如何提高能量转化效率	举例	这个例子不合适 电不是发明的  后面提到的也不是知识的获取 而是技术的进步
4	Similarly, things become even  mysterious.	主题句3：PT3
	例如：天文学的产生，科学家发射卫星、制造空间站来研究宇宙，但是至今无法明确宇宙的规模，有没有外星生物，有没有除地球之外适合人类居住的环境；  基因学的产生、DNA的破译，使科学家们研究出克隆技术，培育出了克隆羊Dolly，但是为什么克隆的生物会迅速衰老、疾病缠身，又使得这项技术变得更加神秘。	举例	你如何理解神秘 你的例子没有按照题目要求的获得知识 然后事情变神秘这个思路来写

jingyuege1UID: 3598309

6月12日 Argument28

The following appeared in the summary of a study on headachessuffered by the residents of Mentia.        

Salicylates are members of the same chemical family as aspirin,a medicine used to treat headaches. Although many foods are naturally rich insalicylates, for the past several decades, food-processing companies have alsobeen adding salicylates to foods as preservatives. This rise in the commercialuse of salicylates has been found to correlate with a steady decline in theaverage number of headaches reported by participants in our twenty-year study.Recently, food-processing companies have found that salicylates can also beused as flavor additives for foods. With this new use for salicylates, we canexpect a continued steady decline in the number of headaches suffered by theaverage citizen of Mentia.        

Write a response in which youexamine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure toexplain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implicationsare for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.

假设：1、S和A同族，A可以治头痛，S也可以

         2、者除了吃带S的食物之外没有任何可能与预防感冒有关的活动或行为

         3、S加的越多越有利于预防头痛

段落	句子	学生动作总结	内容点评	语言点评
1	This argument concludes that  with using salicylates as flavor additives for foods, a continued steady  decline in the number of headaches suffered by the average citizen of Mentia  can be expected.	复述原文
	However,  there are several assumptions for this conclusion, such as the function of  salicylates, the relationship between adding salicylates to foods as  preservatives and the decline in the participants, and the more salicylates  be taken in, the less headache one will suffer.	主旨句（PT1,PT2,PT3)
2	To begin with, we need to examine the assumption that  whether salicylates have the function to tread headache the same as  aspirin.	主题句1：PT1		treat 主题句要回应assumption we need to examine the assumption that ...
	Salicylates  are members of the same chemical family as aspirin, but their functions may  vary a lot.	展开描述
	It is  possible that salicylates have no effect or side-effect in treating  headaches.	提出假设
	So  without scientific proof, the prediction whick salicylates can treat headaches as aspirin is not convincing.	小结	要结合原文的结论来讨论假设不成立的后果
3	Moreover, the relationship between adding salicylates to foods as preservatives and the  decline in the participants should be checked.	主题句2：PT2
	文中没有排除其他可能导致减少头疼因素的存在。在这二十年内，参加者可能通过改变营养结构、加强身体锻炼或者吃ASPRIN或含ASPRIN的食物等等，提高自身免疫力，降低头痛的产生。	详细陈述
	因此在食物中加入S可能与头痛的减少没有直接关系。	小结
4	Finally, the assumption of increasing usage of  salicylates which will lead to a stead decrease of headaches shall be carefully  examined.	主题句3：PT3		increasing 这句的结构有问题
	人体对于S的摄入可能是有上限的，超过限值可能会不会产生更好的效果，甚至产生副作用。	假设
	因此，S既作为防腐剂又作为添加剂的方法可以减少头痛的说法并不CONVINCING。	小结
EXTRA	如果字数不够，可以加点料，比如发现S可以作为调味添加剂，并不代表一定会用，考虑到经济因素，会选择更便宜并有相同味道的其他化学品。市民也不一定喜欢购买含有防腐剂和添加剂的食物等。	ADDITION

你可以比对一些我的范文 看看哪些点你找对了 哪些漏了 表达方面也可以参考一下