ISSUE207 needle点评

海洋UID: 126969

Rituals and ceremonies partly help define a culture, but there are many other ways for people to attach themselves to their own culture. By putting up rituals and ceremonies, one culture distinguishes itself from others, reinforcing the strong sense of its distinctions onto the mind of its people. But people still can be sure of who they are through being faithful to his or her nations or homelands, studying the history and present conditions of his or her culture, seeking his or her origins and doing other jobs to seek his or her identity, besides attending the rituals and ceremonies.

A culture is created and established by people from generation to generation. It has rich contents and therefore shows distinctness in more ways than rituals and ceremonies. For example, in daily life, people who belong to a certain culture eat specific types of foods, dress in distinct style, live in houses built in a certain way, and so on. We can pinpoint one group of people that belong to their specific culture from their behaving and thinking habits, even by speaking habits.

More, the rituals and ceremonies are helpful not only in defining a culture, but also in emphasizing the sacredness of the culture. People have rituals and ceremonies to show the mysterious and therefore sacred elements in the culture. They also produce a special atmosphere to move the persons, to inspire them who are present in the rituals and ceremonies. They intend to call out the potential strong love and loyalty inside people's heart to their culture.

An individual knows the existence of the rituals and ceremonies and accept the meaning of their existence and that is all the rituals and ceremonies want from him or her. To know who he or she is individually is a more profound task, and so he or she should do more to accomplish it. He or she needs to know his or her origin, to know who are his or her parents. The person also need to learn the history of his or her nations so that he or she can understand why the contemporary society he or she lives in has this appearance and work in this way. He or she must know in what way he or she is connected with the rest of people in this society. All this is necessary for a person to be clear about his or her identity.

Therefore, to understand and to attend the rituals and ceremonies of your culture is important, but this knowledge is only a small part of the whole scene of the culture. You have to do a lot of things to be sure that you are truly one of the culture. You have to love the culture and then you will be deeply touched by the sacredness of the rituals and ceremonies and be aware intensely that you are connected with a certain group of people.

needleUID: 158900

我要占座！！！西西


题目帮你贴上：

"Rituals and ceremonies help define a culture. Without them, societies or groups of people have a diminished sense of who they are."

needleUID: 158900

ISSUE207仪式典礼定义一种文化的那道题，写得不长~~
"Rituals and ceremonies help define a culture. Without them, societies or groups of people have a diminished sense of who they are."

Rituals and ceremonies partly help define a culture, but there are many other ways for people to attach themselves to their own culture[开头感觉有点突兀]. By putting up rituals and ceremonies, one [a] culture distinguishes itself from others[这个……感觉好偏颇。看看你下面怎么论证再说。], reinforcing [感觉用并列结构会舒服很多] the strong sense of its distinctions onto the mind of its people. But people still can be sure of who they are through being faithful to his or her [his or her改成their] nations or homelands, studying the history and present conditions of his or her [their] culture, seeking his or her [their] origins and doing other jobs to seek his or her [their] identity[identities], besides attending the rituals and ceremonies[最后的一个besides结构把putting up….偷换成了attending，不严密。仪式和典礼的影响不见得非得就是参加吧？].

A culture is created and established by people from generation to generation. It has rich contents and therefore shows [its] distinctness in more ways than rituals and ceremonies[这个比较有问题，你比较的其实是ways和仪式，这样子写变成了culture和仪式比较了，因为这相当于ceremonies后面省略了一个do!比较的是主语！]. For example, in daily life, people who belong to a certain culture eat specific types of foods, dress in distinct style, live in houses built in a certain way, and so on. We can pinpoint one group of people that belong to their specific culture from their behaving and thinking habits, even by speaking habits. [这一段论证文化不仅仅体现在仪式典礼上，而有更多方面可以体现。有点简略。一个是想的方面过于简单，只体现了开头段中的present conditions，而没有history部分。应当加上一些说明和举例。另一个是不妨把虚的举例删掉一些，换成实际的例子。比如，阿拉伯世界里妇女的面纱，代表了阿拉伯文化对待妇女的态度。古埃及的绘画中除了君王人面都是侧脸，代表了古埃及文化对待君主的态度。这一类的例子很多，海洋应该可以自己补充上的，就不多言了。]

More, the rituals and ceremonies are helpful not only in defining a culture, but also in emphasizing the sacredness of the culture[the culture换成it]. People have rituals and ceremonies to show the mysterious and therefore sacred elements in the culture. They [they指代的是谁？people还是典礼仪式？] also produce a special atmosphere to move the persons, [and] to inspire them who are present in the rituals and ceremonies[这句结构别扭，改成…to move and inspire those present in the … ]. They [这个they又指代的是谁？] intend to call out the potential strong love and loyalty inside people's heart to[toward更好一点] their culture.[这一段说典礼仪式对人们的影响作用。两个问题，一个是TS据说not only A but also B，在上一段没有说A的情况下，这一段按照这样的TS是应当要展开成为两个层面分别说AB的，但是这一段明显只说了后者B.另一个是这一段仍然只停留在肤浅的理论上，怎么就证明它可以move and inspire people了呢？move & inspire之后怎么就emphasize the sacredness of the culture了呢？明显和TS结合不够紧密。中间也需要填充例子加深论证。比如中国祭天，感谢和祈祷上天赐福百姓风调雨顺五谷丰登，那么就感染了在场的人，使他们同样接受对待上天的这种态度。]

[起头太突兀！段与段之间总是这样毫无连接！]An individual knows the existence of the rituals and ceremonies and accept the meaning of their existence and that [and that换成“, which”] is all [all换成what，或者后面加that] the rituals and ceremonies want from him or her[人们认识到典礼仪式的存在就是典礼仪式对人们要求的全部吗？这个逻辑一点也不严密，上文说的典礼仪式要影响人让人如何如何就算白说了。你知道一个东西存在那不见得它有影响，对吗？]. To know who he or she is individually is a more profound [跟谁做比较？前面要加上转折词but/however/actually/in that之类的，就让人知道两句话有关联] task, and so he or she should do more to accomplish it[这句话写得不好。用which从句或者doing结构替代]. He or she needs to know his or her origin[这个词？用来说个人的吗？不确定ing], [and] to know who are [语序错误，are放到最后] his or her parents. The [A] person also need to learn the history of his or her nations[s???] so that he or she can understand why the contemporary society he or she lives in has this appearance and work in this way. He or she must know in what way he or she is connected with the rest of people in this society. All this is [these are] necessary for a person to be clear about his or her identity.[一大段的he or she，全部换作people和they就可以简略多了。给了he/she很多并列任务，但是任务之间没有连词，一个一个句子孤零零的，读着不爽] [这一段是说人们怎么定义自己远比知道典礼仪式的存在复杂和重要。]

Therefore, to understand and to attend the rituals and ceremonies of your [your最好不要出现，a] culture is important, but this knowledge is only a small part of the whole scene of the culture. You [One] have to do a lot of [据说a lot of不正式，换plenty of之类的吧！] things to be sure that you are [he/she is] truly one [a member] of the culture. You [又是没有联系的句子，又是you!改之] have to love the culture and then you will be deeply touched by the sacredness of the rituals and ceremonies and be aware intensely that you are connected with a certain group of people.

[海洋，不好意思，昨晚都没有时间改这篇。现在终于改好了。这一篇我批的比较狠，希望你不要生气也不要受打击。我其实能明白你行文的想法，但是以下的问题一定要避免。如果说话有失当的地方请你原谅。不对的地方我们再讨论。

问题一：完全逃避了Topic中Rituals and ceremonies help define a culture这句话，选择立场时选择了Rituals and ceremonies partly help define a culture，但是论证中取巧以默认代之，对究竟如何define丝毫没有提到。结合下面分析各个body看这条意见。

问题二：论证总是有失严密（部分已经在正文中提出了）。Body1直接说culture不仅仅体现在典礼仪式上，而更多体现于别处。对于体现在仪式上就可以不进行论证吗？拿什么来证明你这个“不仅仅”呢？body2、3改去说Topic的后半部分,body2说仪式典礼，直接跳出了culture而去说对人们的影响，究竟怎么define的呢？body3说人们要定义自己不仅仅需要认识典礼仪式的存在，但是同样一个“不仅仅”又从哪里证明了呢？

问题三：3个body段之间没有任何联系，上下文没有任何衔接，行文逻辑性也不好，造成语境缺失。过渡句是非常重要的。

问题四：语言上很有新鲜感，但是控制力不足，虽然真正的语法错误不多，但是有些地方值得再推敲。不过这不是很大的问题。

总体而言，这篇I至少缺一个body段，用来描述典礼仪式对于文化的partly define。开头感觉长了点，TS段应该言简意赅，清晰有力是最好的，而不应该在那一段里进行详述。整篇篇幅又短了点。

加油！]

benben429UID: 157778

No.1 ISSUE207仪式典礼定义一种文化的那道题，写得不长~~

Rituals and ceremonies partly help define a culture, but there are many other ways for people to attach themselves to their own culture. By putting up（什么意思不懂也） rituals and ceremonies, one culture distinguishes itself from others, reinforcing the strong sense of its distinctions onto the mind of its people. But people still can be sure of who they are through being faithful to his or her nations or homelands（A or B 用的太频繁，不爽啊。我发现很多时候想用OR的时候换成AND也可以，显示词汇的掌握程度，铁别是信用词。因为任何两个词意思总有区别哈哈）, studying the history and present conditions of his or her culture, seeking his or her origins and doing other jobs to seek his or her identity, besides（好象不妥） attending the rituals and ceremonies.

A culture is created and established by people from generation to generation. It has rich contents and therefore shows distinctness in more ways than rituals and ceremonies. For example, in daily life, people who belong to a certain culture eat specific types of foods, dress in distinct style, live in houses built in a certain way, and so on. We can pinpoint one group of people that belong to their specific culture from their behaving and thinking habits, even by speaking habits. （这个EXAMPLE不够具体，象还是在纯粹说理一样，下面几段也有这个问题，因此例证方面不能加分）

More（换！！！！！！去掉也比它好）, the rituals and ceremonies are helpful not only in defining a culture, but also in emphasizing the sacredness of the culture. People have rituals and ceremonies to show the mysterious and therefore sacred elements in the culture. They also produce a special atmosphere to move the persons, to inspire them who are present in the rituals and ceremonies. They intend to call out the potential strong love and loyalty inside people's heart to their culture.

An individual knows the existence of the rituals and ceremonies and accept the meaning of their existence and that is all the rituals and ceremonies want from him or her. To know who he or she is individually is a more profound task, and so he or she should do more to accomplish it. He or she needs to know his or her origin, to know who are his or her parents（ his or her parents are）. The person also need to learn the history of his or her nations so that he or she can understand why the contemporary society he or she lives in has this appearance and work in this way. He or she must know in what way he or she is connected with the rest of people in this society. All this is necessary for a person to be clear about his or her identity.

Therefore, to understand and to attend the rituals and ceremonies of your culture is important, but this knowledge is only a small part of the whole scene of the culture. You have to do a lot of things to be sure that you are truly one of the culture. You have to love the culture and then you will be deeply touched by the sacredness of the rituals and ceremonies and be aware intensely that you are connected with a certain group of people.（第二人称不大好我感觉阅卷人以为你在训导他呢改ONE吧）

鄙薄之见请JJ签收。还有我的小文：
3Argument192:[url]https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=185666[/url]
1Issue8: [url]https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=183055[/url]

benben429UID: 157778

NEEDLE真有奉献精神啊！！。。。

赶紧转战笔考吧，理解+支持！！！

海洋UID: 126969

深谢needle！无以言表。

复习主要集中在brainstorming，练笔也信手涂抹。这两天钻研了一些好文，发现自己逻辑问题严重，needle所言极是。会收敛思维，努力改之，相信我。

yifengUID: 159612

needle改的好仔细！
我也这么被砸过，出了一身冷汗~~

海洋UID: 126969

小benben谢谢你，我把你的这两篇复制到word里了，先下网，改完了传上来！

一起进步哦！

benben429UID: 157778

我要哭了。。。。。

那篇ISSUE好象不是高频看一下就算了莫浪费你的时间。。。

海洋UID: 126969

Thanks to 阿nee，总算收敛了一些写作时的散漫——虽然仍旧拿这篇开刀，思维上可算是一点改进：

Rituals and ceremonies help define a culture in terms of distinguishing it from others by displaying its uniqueness, but neither understanding the rituals and ceremonies nor attending the performance of them is sufficient for societies or groups of people to seek their cultural identity. In fact, people need to do more in order to establish an identity, and rituals and ceremonies also have other purposes besides endowing certain groups of people with a sense of belonging to some culture.


Rituals and ceremonies are special activities that display traditional customs of a culture and emphasize the distinctiveness of that culture, so nearly every culture creates its own rituals and ceremonies. First, in the rituals and ceremonies people mainly describe their culture vividly. In many areas, people conduct their rituals and ceremonies annually on a fixed day. They wear traditional costume, imitate their ancestors’ life, and display their artistic creations that reflect the cultural heritage, which all contribute to show the characteristics of their culture. To people, these are vivid knowledge about the culture and they have to know the culture before attaching themselves to it. Further, rituals and ceremonies not only describe a culture, but also make it unique by emphasizing the sacredness of the culture. They show the mysterious and sacred elements in the culture and produce a special atmosphere to stimulate people who are present in the rituals and ceremonies, to call out the inmost strong feelings and loyalty to their own culture from people's hearts. Thus people can feel the culture, which is to be close to the invisible soul of it. As long as the culture flourishes, rituals and ceremonies grow more and more systemized and include newer contents which will contribute more to demonstrate the culture and appeal to its people.


However, culture is a mixture of different parts, any of which is not sufficient to define the whole mixture, especially when this part is only an outward display of its distinguished features. Thus rituals and ceremonies cannot define it independently. They can describe traditional customs, but cannot include the complicated psychological and economical reasons that account for the customs; they can display various artistic creations to let people appreciate, but cannot let people experience the same life and feelings that inspired their creativity; they can produce sacred atmosphere to call out people’s emotion, but such emotions are often ambiguous and vague and cannot last for long. Therefore, the rituals and ceremonies only partly define a culture. Culture has many contents that are out of rituals and ceremonies’ reach.


Consequently, if people desire to obtain a strong sense of cultural identity, they will have to seek for other way to understand more profoundly what kind of culture they are sharing with their fellowmen. First of all, people have to be clear that a culture is not a series of external habits and behaviors, but a compound of ideas and thoughts, a communion of hearts. It is not enough to approach it externally; people can be truly identified with a culture only through being identified with it spiritually. The societies and groups of people who are eager to establish cultural identity must be familiar with the history of their culture, and especially, must have the children of this societies or groups get familiar with the history since childhood. Since a culture develops based on the ancestors’ practice, only by allowing all the members understand the develop line can a society be sure about why the culture is like this and in what manner they themselves are connected with the culture. From this knowledge a deep admiration and an enthusiasm to be like those who have created this culture are born. Together with this affection, the whole society of people will achieve a real identity during their own practice of constructing culture.


Moreover, the rituals and ceremonies are designed not only to meet people’s psychological need to be identified with the culture but also for other practical purposes. In the ancient years a ritual was to frighten away evils and ghosts to ensure a peaceful life, or to entreat the gods for a great harvest or a favorable weather. Some rituals and ceremonies are in fact designed by the general in the war to infuse soldiers with fresh courage, or by the emperor to embed the idea of absolute power endowed by god into the mass. Nowadays, many of the rituals and ceremonies actually serve for commercial and political purposes. Therefore people who seek for a cultural identity in rituals and ceremonies should be careful to distinguish the cultural elements from the commercial or political characteristics.


In conclusion, although the rituals and ceremonies can embody the cultural contents to a certain extent, they are not necessarily the representative of the culture and therefore not sufficient to satisfy people’s need for seeking a cultural identity. Societies and groups of people need to get close to a culture spiritually in order to ensure an intense feeling of belonging to it.

needleUID: 158900

海洋，我晚上或者明天给你看！
呵呵，自己看了一下，昨天是批的有点太狠了……8好意思！！！

海洋UID: 126969

那确实是一片烂文，第一次练笔时写的，当时可懒散了。。。。批得正正好，一点也不过分！

needleUID: 158900

Thanks to 阿nee，总算收敛了一些写作时的散漫——虽然仍旧拿这篇开刀，思维上可算是一点改进：

"Rituals and ceremonies help define a culture. Without them, societies or groups of people have a diminished sense of who they are."


Rituals and ceremonies help define a culture in terms of distinguishing it from others by displaying its uniqueness, but neither understanding the rituals and ceremonies nor attending the performance of them is sufficient for societies or groups of people to seek their cultural identity. In fact, people need to do more in order to establish an identity, and rituals and ceremonies also have other purposes besides endowing certain groups of people with a sense of belonging to some culture.[首段感觉写的有点散，点很多，但是中心句不明确，和topic的联系不够紧密。两个方面强调就好：define，sense of who they are.还是建议海洋写首段不要太复杂。]


Rituals and ceremonies are special activities that display traditional customs of a culture and emphasize the distinctiveness of that culture, so nearly every culture creates its own rituals and ceremonies. First, in the rituals and ceremonies people mainly describe their culture vividly. In many areas, people conduct [conduct? hold?] their rituals and ceremonies annually on a fixed day[a去掉,days]. They wear traditional costume, imitate their ancestors’ life, and display their artistic creations that reflect the cultural heritage, which all contribute to show the characteristics of their culture. To people, these are vivid knowledge about the culture and they have to know the culture before attaching themselves to it. Further, rituals and ceremonies not only describe a culture, but also make it unique by emphasizing the sacredness of the culture. They show the mysterious and sacred elements in the culture and produce a special atmosphere to stimulate people who are present in the rituals and ceremonies, to call out the inmost strong feelings and loyalty to their own culture from people's hearts. Thus people can feel the culture, which is to be close to the invisible soul of it. As long as the culture flourishes, rituals and ceremonies grow more and more systemized and include newer contents which will contribute more to demonstrate the culture and appeal to its people.


However, culture is a mixture of different parts, any of which is not sufficient to define the whole mixture, especially when this part is only an outward display of its distinguished features. Thus rituals and ceremonies cannot define it independently. They can describe traditional customs, but cannot include the complicated psychological and economical reasons that account for the customs; they can display various artistic creations to let people appreciate, but cannot let people experience the same life and feelings that inspired their creativity; they can produce sacred atmosphere to call out people’s emotion, but such emotions are often ambiguous and vague and cannot last for long. Therefore, the rituals and ceremonies only partly define a culture. Culture has many contents that are out of rituals and ceremonies’ reach.[有具体例子就更好啦！]


Consequently, if people desire to obtain a strong sense of cultural identity[这句话背离了topic了！不是人们获得对于文化个性的感觉，而是定位他们自己！], they will have to seek for other way to understand more profoundly what kind of culture they are sharing with their fellowmen. First of all, people have to be clear that a culture is not a series of external habits and behaviors, but a compound of ideas and thoughts, a communion of hearts. It is not enough to approach it externally; people can be truly identified with a culture only through being identified with it spiritually. The societies and groups of people who are eager to establish cultural identity must be familiar with the history of their culture, and especially, must have the children of this societies or groups get [got] familiar with the history since childhood. Since a culture develops based on the ancestors’ practice, only [only在这里的感觉似乎应该后面是否定，但句子是肯定的，有点别扭] by allowing all the members understand the develop line can a society be sure about why the culture is like this and in what manner they themselves are connected with the culture. From this knowledge a deep admiration and an enthusiasm to be like those who have created this culture are born[这不是一个完整句！]. Together with this affection, the whole society of people will achieve a real identity during their own practice of constructing culture. [这一段的TS以及论证都有点跑！主意topic要求论证的是典礼仪式和人们认清自我的关系。]


Moreover, the rituals and ceremonies are designed not only to meet people’s psychological need to be identified with the culture but also for other practical purposes. In the ancient years a ritual was to frighten away evils and ghosts to ensure a peaceful life, or to entreat the gods for a great harvest or a favorable weather. Some rituals and ceremonies are in fact designed by the general in the war to infuse soldiers with fresh courage, or by the emperor to embed the idea of absolute power endowed by god into the mass. Nowadays, many of the rituals and ceremonies actually serve for commercial and political purposes. Therefore people who seek for a cultural identity in rituals and ceremonies should be careful to distinguish the cultural elements from the commercial or political characteristics. [这一段像打外围，先说典礼仪式的古老用途，再说现今的用途。但是似乎跟topic关系不大。其实可以调整顺序，这一段可以用来说明partly define…放在body2之后，又跟body2没有关系，不好]


In conclusion, although the rituals and ceremonies can embody the cultural contents to a certain extent, they are not necessarily the representative of the culture and therefore not sufficient to satisfy people’s need for seeking a cultural identity. Societies and groups of people need to get close to a culture spiritually in order to ensure an intense feeling of belonging to it.
[海洋你明天就考了，这一篇我大致看了一下，认为你现在的问题主要是论证总是围绕不住自己的TS。一定要先写一个大致的提纲，选择自己的立场，然后选择分论点，另外论证顺序要确定好。让步之后一定要有总结。段与段之间要有相互的联系，不能像body2一样抛开了典礼仪式，body3忽然又说典礼仪式。文章的结构很重要。

好运！现在多看看提纲！熟悉题目的同时找几个提纲出来，给自己的论证思路挑挑问题。

加油！明天晚上看你的机井！]

海洋UID: 126969

Nod!

一开始定的提纲就太复杂了。对“a sense of who they are”又有些茫然。第一次写时，“who they are”我从“individually”上出发，越写越变成了“who he is or who she is”第二次换了整体意识，却偏到认识文化和贴近文化的教育意义上。阿nee指出来这个问题，我才发现或许两种角度应该综合起来。想的不全面。

明天考试，首先主题不弄太复杂了，简洁二字。
主题写完立刻列出提纲。把自己固定住。
每一个分论点统领的body应该既完整又和别的分论段落互相依赖。显出呼应之感。
能够辅以合适的例子更好。
加快速度。

现在的时间在看范文。晚上会照着上面的想法演练演练。OK，谢谢needle忠言，我会加油！

needleUID: 158900

海洋，想好了以后可以先写开头，然后把每个body的TS写出来，然后写简要的结尾，这样子文章的结构就基本完成了，等于说写好了提纲，实际上又节省了写提纲的时间。考场上我就是这么做的（A和I都是这样的，所以无论如何都不会跑题）。

不过，如果感觉不习惯，不要强迫自己这么做，考场上一切顺其自然，不要临时改变自己的习惯，给自己带来困惑。

你一定没问题的，你的思维和语言都很好的。只要整理出脉络，按照脉络清晰的写，一定没有问题！

祝福ing