issue88 恳请牛人和菜鸟共同指教

pkuhjddUID: 159384

第二篇issue
写之前已想好提纲
实际写花了将近1个小时时间
8月13号考了，可是水平还是，汗



Issue 88
Technologies not only influence but actually determine social customs and ethics

Do technologies not only have infuluence on but actually determine social customs and ethics? The speaker vindicates so. I concede that, to some extent, technologies do have some influence on social customs and ethics. Beyond this concession, however, I would rather believe that merely technologies contribute little to the determination of social customs and ethics, especially in a short time period.

As the speaker claims, technologies do impact social customs. To illustrate the point clearly, Let us take a specific look at a persuative example from the past. It is the Industrial Revolution, which happened in the 18th century, that frees the women of the right to work outside. Before the magic technological revolution, a majority of women stayed at home whereas after it, many textile factories, as well as other factories, employed a large quantities of women. Without the Industrial Revolution, I cannot imagine how significant the role women played nowadays.

And, the impact on ethics cannot be overlooked. An compelling example from all fields of human endevour will make the point evidently. In 1990s, biotechnology made rapid progress, which benefits human beings greatly, at the same time, challenges the ethics seriously. After Doly was born, people cannot help worrying whether the magic technology--clone--will destroy us at last.

However, we cannot extend the influence too high. On balance, our customs and ethics have changed little. Every weekends, people still go to church as their ancestors did. The effect of viechles is only to reduce our time on the road, making going to church easier than our ancestors. Besides, there is hardly any change in our family ethics. We are still taught to love the aged and the young.

In addition, the actual fact is that it is the social customs and ethics that direct the development of technologies. The successful born of Doly is so heavy a blow to ethics that people soon forbid the application of clone to human beings. So, from the view of philosophy, it will be ridiculous to confirm that technologies determine our customs and ethics since the reverse opinion may seem more reasonabe.

In fact, it is a long time to form our customs and ethics. Take the spirit "teamwork" for example, which probably stems from hunting in the ancient time. while hunting, through thousands of success and failure, our ancestor recognize the importance of working together. However, as Rome is not built in a single day, It is through the course of initiation, modificaion, development that the recongnition come to its mature form--the spirit "teamwork".

In sum, I acknowledge that technologies have large impact on social customs and ethics. However, we need not to see very far to reveal that the speaker mistakenly exaggerate the role technologies play on social customs and ethics. After all, common sense tells us that our customs and ethics have changed little, besides, it is a long time to form our customs and ethics.

四月的迷迭香UID: 154552

Issue 88
Technologies not only influence but actually determine social customs and ethics

Do technologies not only have infuluence on but actually determine social customs and ethics? The speaker vindicates so. I concede that, to some extent, technologies do have some influence on social customs and ethics. Beyond this concession, however, I would rather believe that merely（merely->mere） technologies contribute little to the determination of social customs and ethics, especially in a short time period.
开头不错，四平八稳，语言也可以了

As the speaker claims, technologies do impact social customs. To illustrate the point clearly, Let us take a specific look at a persuative example from the past. It is the Industrial Revolution, which happened in the 18th century, that frees（frees->gives） the women of the right to work outside. Before the magic technological revolution, a majority of women stayed at home whereas这里应该分成两句，一是觉得whereas应该用在并列的转折上，二是后面的句子太碎了，读起来很别扭 after it, many textile factories, 去掉,吧，不然老是大喘气儿 ;) as well as other factories, employed a large quantities of women. Without the Industrial Revolution, I cannot imagine how significant the role women playedare playing nowadays.
这段总的来说还可以，但是仔细推敲一下，妇女地位的上升和social customs and ethics的关系是什么？没有说清楚。我想应该侧重强调ethics上的变化吧。点下题。但后面又说the impact on ethics cannot be overlooked，那么这一段难道说的是在customs上的影响？

And, the impact on ethics cannot be overlooked. An compelling example from all fields of human endevours will make the point evidently(evident). In 1990s, biotechnology made rapid progress, which benefitsbenefited human beings greatly,and at the same time, challenges the ethics seriously. After Doly(简单介绍一下Doly是谁嘛比如the first cloned sheep) was born, people cannot help worrying whether the magic technology--clone--will destroy us at last.这个例子是不错的，但是有点虎头蛇尾的感觉，应该继续展开说clone为什么会影响ethics呀！不能把这些问题留给考官嘛。不然还要咱们论述啥？

However, we cannot extend the influence too high. On balance, our customs and ethics have changed little这句话感觉太绝对了。后面的例子并不能概括所有的习惯和伦理道德. Every weekends, people still go to church as their ancestors did. The effect of viechles is only to reduce our time on the road, making going to church easier than our ancestorsonly太绝对，汽车的意义远不止让人们去教堂更方便吧？. Besides, there is hardly any change in our family ethics. We are still taught to love the aged and the young.

In addition, the actual fact is that 前面统统改成In fact就可以了it is the social customs and ethics that direct the development of technologies. The successful born of Doly is so heavy a blow to ethics that people soon forbid the application of clone to human beings有道理，但是这是多利出现后的事，那么多利为什么得以出现呢？并不是传统观念所决定的吧. So, from the view of philosophy, it will be ridiculous to confirm that technologies determine our customs and ethics since the reverse opinion may seem more reasonabe.
这段说理不够充分

In fact, it is a long time to form our customs and ethics. Take the spirit "teamwork" for example,句号 which去掉which,改成It probably stems from hunting in the ancient time. while hunting, through thousands of success and failure, our ancestors recognized the importance of working together. However, as去掉as Rome is not built in a single day, 句号It is through the course of initiation, modificaion, development that the recongnition come to its mature form--the spirit "teamwork".
it is a long time to form our customs and ethics并不能说明科学无法决定传统和伦理道德。这不是时间长短所决定的。这段想要表达的意思请斟酌！
In sum, I acknowledge that technologies have large impact on social customs and ethics. However, we need not to see very far to reveal that the speaker mistakenlymistakenly->inappropriately exaggerates the role technologies play on social customs and ethics. After all, common sense tells us that our customs and ethics have changed little,; besides, it is a long time to form our customs and ethics.
先说好的吧，觉得作者的文字还是可以的，除了写到后面时语言的问题多了一些。

感觉最大的问题就是例子罗列太多而说理不够充分，这是大忌哦。恰当的例子的确可以润色文章，但毕竟是为说理而服务的，人家让我们论述自己的观点，不是摆一堆例子然后草草下结论。应该在说理上下功夫。例子有一两个就足够了。记住，说理>>例子！

还有就是分段太多了，其实body部分三段就足够了。分得太碎，每段说一个意思，但每个意思都没有说得很清楚到位。

个人观点，仅供参考！ :)

clement320UID: 168035

b1工业革命的例子不错，不过最好明确一下妇女地位的上升与伦理，习俗的关系
b2意图是要谈负面影响，不过没有展开。
b3似乎看不出TS的存在意义来。
b4改说科技对伦理的影响，本来可以挖深一点讨论两者的关系的，可是还是太泛了。
有让步的感觉，很好。
整体要说的东西太多了， 关键的又不继续，不如抓住重点彻底的说个明白。
一家之言，请包涵。

recyUID: 154709

走进来发现迷迷香改了这篇耶，很同意里面的许多意见！

不过我也想说一些语言方面的看法，有时和G友一起探讨作文，会觉得大多数文章读起来非常吃力，虽然句型复杂很唬人，但是真的不smooth。我看这篇文章也有很强烈的这种感觉，比如
It is the Industrial Revolution, which happened in the 18th century, that frees the women of the right to work outside. Before the magic technological revolution, a majority of women stayed at home whereas after it, many textile factories, as well as other factories, employed a large quantities of women.
这么长的一段话，逗来逗去的，虽然能读明白作者的意思，但实在是太碎，不流畅，有些故意拼长句的感觉。其实我个人认为写文应该在表意顺畅的前提下追求所谓的“闪光句型”，让人感觉到作者驾驭文字的能力。
这段话我感觉如果这样改一下可能好一些：
The Industrial Revolution, happened in the 18th century, freed women from being tied to domestic work. Most women stayed at home in the past while after the magic technological revolution, a large number of them were employed by many textile factories, as well as other manufacturers.

个人观点，不绝对啦 :)

四月的迷迭香UID: 154552

up

clement320UID: 168035

recy改的挺好的，有水平。

pkuhjddUID: 159384

谢谢大家的修改
3x
//bow
我感觉确实在逻辑上有很大的缺陷
综合大家的修改意见
我对我的文章修改了一下
以下是我修订后的文章



Issue 88
Technologies not only influence but actually determine social customs and ethics

Do technologies not only have infuluence on but actually determine social customs and ethics? The speaker vindicates so. I concede that, to some extent, technologies have some influence on social customs and ethics. Beyond this concession, however, I would rather believe that merely technologies contribute little to the determination of social customs and ethics, especially in a short time period.

As the speaker claims, technologies exert an influence on social customs. To illustrate the point clearly, Let us take a specific look at a persuative example. Nowaday, it seems natural for women to working outside home. Yet, it is the Industrial Revolution, one of the greatest developments of technology in human history, that freed women by giving them the right to work outside home. Before the marvelous technological revolution, a majority of women have nothing to do but stay at home. However, because of it, many textile factories, as well as other manufactures, employed a myriad of women. Without the Industrial Revolution, one may be surprised to see that house working and bringing up children, rather than occupying a position in a company, are still the most important tasks of women.

Besides, the influence of technologies on ethics cannot be overlooked. An compelling example from all fields of human endeavours will make the point evident. In the 1990s, the rapid progress of biotechnology resulted in great benefits to human beings, however , it issued challenge to the fundamental ethics--what is human being--seriously. After Doly--the first cloned mammal--was born, people cannot help worrying whether biotechnology will bring about cloned 'human being'. If so, is it real human being? Shall I treat my 'cloned copy' as myself or my children? Such problems attributed to biotechnology have a profound influence on ethics.

However, we cannot extend the influence  of technology too far. From the standpoint of philosophy, the proposition--technologies determine social customs and ethics--will inevitably leads to the conclusion--the evolvement of social customs and ethics should keep pace with the development of technology. However, despite the sharp development of technology, in some cases, social customs and ethics hardly have any change. For example, the festivals we celebrate today are much the same as those in ancient times. Specifically speaking, on Christmas Eve, children still sleep with their stockings hanging at the end of their beds. And boys send rose to their dreaming girls on Valentino's Day in much the same way people did hundreds of years ago.

Likewise, ethics have changed little over the past times. Religion belief is a good case in point. For instance, Every weekends, christians still go to church as their ancestors did. Besides, they also commit perjury and have dinner pray following the religious rules primarily made several hundred years ago. In short, the facts that social customs and ethics hardly have any change refute part of the speaker's cliam, that is technologies actually determine social customs and ethics.

In addition, in some cases, it is even the social customs and ethics that guide the development of technologies. The successful born of Doly is so heavy a blow to ethics that people soon forbid the application of clone to human being. Undoubtly, such decision will lead to the transfer of the direction of biotechnology.

In sum, I acknowledge that technologies exert a dramatic influence on social customs and ethics. However, we need not to see very far to reveal that the speaker mistakenly exaggerate the role technologies play on social customs and ethics. After all, in some cases, social customs and ethics have changed little, furthermore, still in some cases, social customs and ethics guide the development of technology.