Argument147, 好久没写，都不会写了

fishergirlUID: 152325

147 The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.  
"Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months."

In this argument, the author claims that the sales of Whirlwind will increase in the next few months based on the survey result and its sales promotion. Although seems reasonable, there are some critical fallacies of the editorial which will lead to the final invalidity of its predict.

To begin with, the reliability of the survey is open to doubt. How many people are there attended the survey? What is the composing of such people? Can they reflect the real market need? Any one of these factors may weaken the conclusion drawn from the survey. Another question cannot be neglected is that the most important and absorbing feature is not equal to the best sale. Players may be interested in life like graphics of a game and may enjoy the felling of play on the most up-to-date computers, but they will check their budget before deciding to buy it. That is, exorbitant price may lower the sales. So the survey may suggest some clue to improve design of games, but it is not an indicator of better sales.

In addition, if the advertising campaign facing people 10-25 years old will really promote sales of Whirlwind video games or not is unsure. It’s known to all, although people 10-25 years old are the age-group most likely to play video games, they are also the busy and economical-dependent age-group, especially those who are still in schools. Parents and teachers are often do not like children addicted in playing video games. So do bosses of young people. Then do they have time to play such games and can they afford such software is in question. Hence, it may be hasty to announce the increase of Whirlwind’s sales.

Last but not least, what is the fundamental reason leading to the decline of sales of Whirlwind video games? The out-of-date design of games, inhibiting price of software, competition of other counterparts, economical recession of the whole society or others? If it is the unpopular design that makes such a decline, introduction of new games may be helpful. But if it is not the case, new games will be of no use. There is no any information about this question. Comparing to the surveys and sale promotions, to find out ultimate cause is of more importance.

To sum up, the survey and extensive advertising campaign may help Whirlwind improve its sale in some degree. But we need more information to confirm that the poor company will step out of hot water in the next few months.

不但严重超时，还觉得无话可说。难过啊 :(  :(  :(

imongUID: 140258

看了看觉得还可以啊。

有些小地方的wording注意一下：下面这个用composing好像不是很合适吧？
What is the composing of such people?
我觉得总体还都不错的。

fishergirlUID: 152325

谢谢imong！

我用那个composing是想说“组成”。整句话的意思是：那些参加调查的人的组成情况是怎样的？比如年龄，收入状况等等。因为这些会影响到调查结果的代表性。

lakeqianUID: 157560

考完那么久还能写出来本身就很牛了。。。pf

fishergirlUID: 152325

不要这样说,本来可以快快乐乐的准备申请了.唉,是谁犯了错呢?

接下来要写issue了呢！

sagaweiUID: 169429

和我今天第一次写的题目一样，不过楼主的比我的好多了。用词变化，还有句式……
为什么我写的时候就觉得词穷呢
认真学习中……

fishergirlUID: 152325

感谢鼓励，一起加油吧！我27号就考了。。。。

sagaweiUID: 169429

不客气，呵呵，加油了！

abjureUID: 169591

147 The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.
"Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months."

In this argument, the author claims that the sales of Whirlwind will increase in the next few months based on the survey result and its sales promotion. Although it seems reasonable, there are some critical fallacies of the editorial which will lead to the final invalidity of its predictprediction.

To begin with, the reliability of the survey is open to 可以这样用？我也不清楚doubt. How many people are there attended the survey? What is the composing of such people? Can they reflect the real market need（needs）? Anyeach one of these factors may weaken the conclusion drawn from the survey. Another question cannot be neglected is that the most important and absorbing feature is not equal to the best sale. Players may be interested in life like graphics of a game and may enjoy the fellingfeeling of play on the most up-to-date computers, but they willare possible to check their budget before deciding to buy it. That isthat is有没有口语化的倾向？, exorbitant price may lower the sales. So the survey may suggest some clues to improve designs of games, but it is not an indicator of better sales.
建议：可不可以压缩一下对调查存在的多种可能性描述

In addition, if the advertising campaign facing people 10-25 years old will really promote sales of Whirlwind video games or not is unsure. It’s known to all, although people 10-25 years old are the age-group most likely to play video games, they are also the busy and economical-dependent age-group, especially those who are still in schools.赞！一个小让步，假如可以和后面一句联系起来就更好了 Parents and teachers are often do not like children addicted in playing video games（理由不是很充分，中国的家长不希望子女，但美国人不是那么过多干涉子女的事务，毕竟他们比较强调个体和独立）. So do bosses of young people. （这句话什么意思？）Then do they have time to play such games and can they afford such software is in question.（这句好像和这段第二句意思重复了，楼主可以在其他年龄段的人做做文章，例如他们更有可能购买这些产品） Hence, it may be hasty to announce the increase of Whirlwind’s sales.

Last but not least, what is the fundamental reason leading to the decline of sales of Whirlwind video games? The out-of-date design of games, inhibiting price of software, competition of other counterparts, economical recession of the whole society or others?这句没有谓语动词。 If it is the unpopular design that makes such a decline, introduction of new games may be helpful. But if it is not the case, new games will be of no useuseless会不会更好些？. There is no any information about this question. Comparing to the surveys and sale promotions, to find out ultimate cause is of more importance.

To sum up, the survey and extensive advertising campaign may help Whirlwind improve its sale in some degree. But we need more information to confirm that the poor company will step out of hot water in the next few months.
这篇文章结构肯定是没有问题的，有一些小错，但不严重。
努力阿，楼主。

fishergirlUID: 152325

谢谢abjure的热心批阅。

1。open to doubt应该是可以的，以前好像看到不少人这样用了。

2。我也不知道that is是不是过于口语化，感觉语法上没有错误，又适合那个位置就拿来用了，呵呵。

3。The out-of-date design of games, inhibiting price of software, competition of other counterparts, economical recession of the whole society or others?这句没有谓语动词。——这句的确没有，不知道用破折号和前面一句连起来可不可以？

4。压缩一下对调查存在的多种可能性描述——我原以为这样会让文章显得更充实一点？如果你来写，会怎样处理呢？

5。B2虽然找到了攻击之处，可是力度的确不够。自己写的时候也觉得有点勉强。需要好好改改。

6。其余的你都对：）

abjureUID: 169591

其实我到现在也没有发现更好的表述方法，其实回过头在一看，你这种方法也没有问题。有一篇范文里也是用这方法。也许斑竹他们会有更好的办法

至于你说用破折号连起来。我认为可以。

对了，发帖子的时候怎么引用他人的句子?