issue 112 第一次写请大家批改

slsUID: 175311

“Some educational systems emphasize the development of students' capacity for reasoning and logical thinking, but students would benefit more from an education that also taught them to explore their own emotions.”

提纲：1 同意而且我觉得emotion 比logical and reasoning更重要
2 我对explore emotion的理解
3 emotion的重要 两个例子
4 让步 L和R的重要 但相比emotion 后者更 一个例子
5 总结。

Fundamentally, I agree with the author 's statement that our education shouldn't only focus on students ' capacity for reasoning and logical thinking , the emotion exploration is also very important . Moreover , to some extent , I think the latter matters more than the former .

Emotion  is the science of sentiment , to some extent , it is related to our person ' s nature .To explore one's  emotion is to establish a health character ,ensure the people understand themselves more ,promote their self-esteem development and teach them to prevent violence ,bear the hard times .

Nowadays ,we can see from the news that a lot of teenagers drop out from the school , some are the results of poverty ,but the majority of them due to other reasons ,such as  self-rejection , can't  stand up the hard situation , find themselves confused about their future , be persuaded by other teenagers, moreover, some are the results of family abuse or divorces  . They are not aware of what are waiting  them in the future if they quit education in school------poverty , low -paying jobs ,crime ,alcohol .In order to prohibit such things happening ,  our educational system  holds the responsibility to help them  build their own positive character traits . Those children need training to practice and explore honesty , kindness ,integrity , respect ; they need to know the methods to challenge the future dilemmas , what he or she stand for at school ,at home and at their communities.  

Not only teenagers , but all the people in the society , most of us, earlier or later, we will know the repeated lives or  have death experience or some forms of changes . In those cases,  our intrinsic characters will decide how we react to them ,be pessimistic or optimistic ?  Take the Terry Fox Run for example , Terry Fox is was a Canadian cancer suffer .At the age of 20 ,he had to have leg amputated and decided run across Canada to draw attention to the importance of cancer research
.During his "Marathon of Hope " in 1980,he ran a marathon every day for 143 days . His spirit inspired and motivated the world after he died the following year .The international charity run now covers 55 countries ,and  every year more than 600 runs are organized in different parts of the world . A health attitude can change a man 's life , can benefit the society .
In today 's competitive world ,this trait can help you stand for the obstacles ,forge ahead . In this case , our educational system should teach our students such valuable virtue .  

Besides, it is undeniable that reasoning and logical thinking plays a significant role during the development of a person 's intelligent  , it helps one to explore the intrinsic relationship of things and  essential understanding of them . such skill will benefit the students to build a positive attitude towards the study and they needn't to rote all the formulas and principles any longer .In addition ,in their future careers , such skill may make them outstanding in their companies. However ,a person who held extreme high intelligence doesn't necessarily mean he or she is all-rounded  ,and even worse ,sometimes he or she may use the intelligence indifferently to do harm to the society. One striking example lies in the scientific research of cloning . The origin aim of the research is good to the medical cure .However ,some researchers seem to treat it as a magic power toy ,they are more interested in copying various kinds of animals to amuse themselves and shock the rest world . Suppose one day , one person is no longer a unique one in the earth but has a identical copy with him , what our life will be? Unfortunately , I am  afraid some researchers are doing such test somewhere secretly .

In sum , emotion and our everyday 's behaviors are so interweaved , it even ,in a certain degree, decide our future ,intelligence is important ,but it can benefit us only on the basis that the people who have it held a healthy character ,emotion has far reaching consequences on all of us . SO the educational system really should lay emphasis on the aspect----help students to explore their own emotions .

不论从语言还是结构逻辑 希望大家给我指导下 谢谢

slsUID: 175311

为什么没人给我改作文

fishergirlUID: 152325

呵呵，别着急，现在人还很少。

我最近实在没有时间，等我考完了来看？

abjureUID: 169591

不用急阿，忙人家改改也是锻炼。我下载了，明天回你。

slsUID: 175311

谢谢了

abjureUID: 169591

“Some educational systems emphasize the development of students' capacity for reasoning and logical thinking, but students would benefit more from an education that also taught them to explore their own emotions.”

提纲：1 同意而且我觉得emotion 比logical and reasoning更重要
2 我对explore emotion的理解
3 emotion的重要 两个例子
4 让步 L和R的重要 但相比emotion 后者更 一个例子
5 总结。

Fundamentally, I agree with the author 's statement that our education shouldn't only focus on students ' capacity for reasoning and logical thinking , the emotion exploration is also very important .（连词去哪了？）Moreover , to some extent , I think the latter matters more than the former .（建议你第一句交道一下时代背景之类，不要开始就说我认为怎么。。。，你觉得呢？）

Emotion is the science of sentiment , to some extent , it is related to our person ' s nature .（连词去哪了？）To explore one's emotion is to establish a health character ,ensure the 不用，去掉people understand themselves more ,promote their self-esteem development and teach them to prevent violence ,bear the hard times .
（后面我就没有给你细看语法错误了）
Nowadays ,we can see from the news that a lot of teenagers drop out from the school , some are the results of poverty ,but the majority of them due to other reasons ,such as self-rejection , can't stand up the hard situation , find themselves confused about their future , be persuaded by other teenagers, moreover, some are the results of family abuse or divorces . They are not aware of what are waiting them in the future if they quit education in school------poverty , low -paying jobs ,crime ,alcohol .In order to prohibit such things happening , our educational system holds the responsibility to help them to build their own positive character traits . Those children need training to practice and explore honesty , kindness ,integrity , respect ; they need to know the methods to challenge the future dilemmas , what he or she stand for at school ,at home and at their communities.

Not only teenagers , but all the people in the society , most of us, earlier or later, we will know the repeated lives or have death experience or some forms of changes . In those cases, our intrinsic characters will decide how we react to them ,be pessimistic or optimistic ? Take the Terry Fox Run for example , Terry Fox is was a Canadian cancer suffer .At the age of 20 ,he had to have leg amputated and decided run across Canada to draw attention to the importance of cancer research .During his "Marathon of Hope " in 1980,he ran a marathon every day for 143 days . His spirit inspired and motivated the world after he died the following year .The international charity run now covers 55 countries ,and every year more than 600 runs are organized in different parts of the world . A health attitude can change a man 's life , can benefit the society .
In today 's competitive world ,this trait can help you stand for the obstacles ,forge ahead . In this case , our educational system should teach our students such valuable virtue . 其实你这个例子到挺好的

Besides, it is undeniable that reasoning and logical thinking plays a significant role during the development of a person 's intelligent , it helps one to explore the intrinsic relationship of things and essential understanding of them . such skill will benefit the students to build a positive attitude towards the study and they needn't to rote all the formulas and principles any longer .In addition ,in their future careers , such skill may make them outstanding in their companies. However, a person who held extreme high intelligence doesn't necessarily mean he or she is all-rounded ,and even worse ,sometimes he or she may use the intelligence indifferently to do harm to the society. One striking example lies in the scientific research of cloning. The origin aim of the research is good to the medical cure .However ,some researchers seem to treat it as a magic power toy ,they are more interested in copying various kinds of animals to amuse themselves and shock the rest world . Suppose one day , one person is no longer a unique one in the earth but has a identical copy with him , what our life will be? Unfortunately , I am afraid some researchers are doing such test somewhere secretly .

In sum , emotion and our everyday 's behaviors are so interweaved , it even ,in a certain degree, decide our future ,intelligence is important ,but it can benefit us only on the basis that the people who have it held a healthy character ,emotion has far reaching consequences on all of us . SO the educational system really should lay emphasis on the aspect----help students to explore their own emotions .

你的用词挺不错的，不过感觉句式变化单一，长句错误较多，许多从句都出现多谓语，建议你去精华区看看needle姐写的句式使用，可能有帮助。
不知道你有没有看追星特训，这种题属于IMONG说得“比较类”。你上下文只是在分别说logical重要，emotion重要，但是没有比较。
所以我认为这样并不能充分支持你的观点。
不过看了你这篇文章，知道你的g词背了不少了，但是句子文章估计背地不多，多背背范文吧
这只是我的建议。

slsUID: 175311

感谢你！！  但我二段Emotion is the science of sentiment , to some extent , it is related to our person ' s nature .（连词去哪了？）To explore    这里需要连词吗？ 句号后面我就直接开始下一句话了，应该不需连接词吧 。 还有 moreover 本来前面也不用连词吧。 幸好你提醒我要注意 比较 我现在就去看下。 ：）

abjureUID: 169591

Emotion is the science of sentiment , to some extent , it is related to our person ' s nature 。
你这句话出现了两个is，to some extent 不可以当连词用吧.
你再看看.