我的第一篇

sukurUID: 179606

Both the development of technological tools and the uses to which humanity has put them have created modern civilizations in which loneliness is ever increasing.

Realistically, more and more people have strong lonely feeling, than their ancestor. I believe that one of its reasons is the development of technological tools and the uses.

More contact, less loneliness. One person feels lonely mostly because of short of contact with others. A man in a team is less chance feeling lonely than a person live by himself. If people work together, study together, and often chat together，do you believe they can feel lonely? But people have less and less things to do together.

The cavemen trend to hunt in a team in order to get wide animals. And during hunting, they need to shout, call partners' names and carry dead animals to house together. In the evening, they are seated by fire, talking about their food, the friends, the weather... Most time of their life, they stay with each other, contact all days. Maybe, they are hungry, but do you think the cavemen live lonely all days? And in that condition, they have to do that, because of less advanced tools with them, one person can not live by himself. Until the metal tools come, people can use metal plow to farm.

In the Middle Age, in order to harvest, several people water together, plow together, and get in together. In a village, the villagers often help each other and exchange things like eggs, clothes, tools. They may short of food, I don't think they have more loneliness than people who live in the modern era.

After Industrial Revolution, blue-collar workers in factory can use a machine by him or work in a fluent line like a cog in a technological machine. Since the advent of the personal computer, the white-collar they face the screen to all the day short of physical contact with other people. In the evening, people often watch TV in silence even a couple in a house. This is especially true in recent times due to the extremely rapid expansion of the Internet, they communicate by E- mail, shop on line, as physical contact is less and less.

A lot of common things, have changed form increasing contact to decreasing. For example, the cavemen go to hunt on foot with friends talking and smiling. And they rarely travel long by oneself. Nowadays, people go to work by car in which he is lonely. And people often travel by oneself, even form America to China. In the plane, there are many passengers who stay with each other several hours, but when they walk out the plane, they are still strangers.

I agree that development of technological tools and the uses have created modern civilizations. Before the Industrial Revolution, the wealth of the social increase slowly. After that, the productivity increase faster, especially form the computer' coming. For instance, women sew clothes by hand in the Middle Age, after sewing machine come, clothes are made by machines, now the sewing machines are controlled by computers.

Overall, the tools are developed, from brunch, plow to machine, even computer; and people travel on foot but now by automobile, by plane. They should be happy, but they are a little queasy. How to decrease people' loneliness? I think people should often contact with each other not only intellectual contact but also physical contact. The later is more important than the former.

poohUID: 146994

请你参照置顶的发帖格式。这是issue pool里面的题目吗，请注明多issue题号，我的印象不深。
我很欣赏你这篇文章，思路很新颖，而且行文流畅，句式变化自然，举例具体恰当，尽管原始人那段的论证不是特别严谨。

希望以后读到更多你的essay

imongUID: 140258

标题格式不符合本版规定 请自己改过来

比较plain的一篇文章。给5分可能还有点高估 我也就给出4.5分

原因：整篇文章提出了一个The development of tools results in the reduction in interpersonal contact，有了自己的论点和论据，但是通篇通读之后发现描述现象为多 深入挖掘现象背后的原因和分析为少 还是未能做到insightful

语言上面可不能叫做流畅——加上这一点 想让我给5分 打不动哦
Realistically, more and more people have strong lonely feeling, than their ancestor. （ more people than ancestor？好古怪。I have more coins than yours什么时候说成过 More coins than yours are mine呢？这么写 恐怕别人看不懂）

More contact, less loneliness. One person feels lonely mostly because of short（如果是because of 这里至少应该是the shortage of吧？） of contact with others. A man in a team is less chance（be of less chance？） feeling lonely than a person live by himself.

The cavemen trend（自己检查拼写了？） to hunt in a team in order to get wide animals. And during（in the course of） hunting, they need to shout, call partners' names and carry dead animals to house together. In the evening, they are seated（不好） by fire,

Since the advent（这个词还倒用的有点味道） of the personal computer, the white-collar they face the screen to all the day short of physical contact with other people. In the evening, people often watch TV in silence even a couple（even a couple 没觉得这里语法有问题吗？写的太随意了 就好比short也好多次不规范的出现） in a house. This is especially true（如果用了especially后面就不要用true了 哪怕是evident prominent之类的也要好些） in recent times due to the extremely rapid expansion of the Internet, they communicate by E- mail, shop on line, as physical contact is less and less.

A lot of common things, have changed form（？） increasing contact to decreasing（写的好不负责任的句子）.

I agree that development of technological tools and the uses have created modern civilizations. Before the Industrial Revolution, the wealth of the social increase slowly. After that, the productivity increase faster, especially form the computer' coming. For instance, women sew clothes by hand in the Middle Age, after sewing machine come, clothes are made by machines, now the sewing machines are controlled by computers.（对题目的把握还是有的 不过如果能在组织好些 再有经验些 就该知道这段怎么写了）

这些文笔上的问题 文章写多了接触多了之后 一眼就看出来的...
还是稚嫩 不过很promising呢！ 勤加练习吧！

poohUID: 146994

imong分析的有道理，楼主有些语法不严格。我只是觉得这种写法比较新颖。倒数三段的总结也加强了论证的力度。但是，正如imong指出的，全文重点放在了现象的描述，而所描述的现象也不过是作者个人的推断罢了，没什么根据，甚至很容易让读者质疑，很不严谨。