argument 1我的第一篇AW,请多指教

蓝清UID: 158106

Argument1  第1篇 让砖头来得更猛烈些吧！
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作者：寄托家园作文版普通用户     共用时间：28分11秒     375 words
从2004年10月29日22时32分到2004年10月29日23时28分
------题目------
The following appeared in a memorandum written by the vice president of Nature's Way, a chain of stores selling health food and other health-related products.
'Previous experience has shown that our stores are most profitable in areas where residents are highly concerned with leading healthy lives. We should therefore build our next new store in Plainsville, which has many such residents. Plainsville merchants report that sales of running shoes and exercise clothing are at all-time highs. The local health club, which nearly closed five years ago due to lack of business, has more members than ever, and the weight training and aerobics classes are always full. We can even anticipate a new generation of customers: Plainsville's schoolchildren are required to participate in a 'fitness for life' program, which emphasizes the benefits of regular exercise at an early age.'
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   In this argument ,the vice president proposes that the Nature's Way should build their next new store in Plainsville and he is really very confident of its future ,because there are many signs that the residents in Plainsville are highly concerned of leading  healthy lives,and their previous experience has shown their stores in areas with such residents are most profitable.It seems a good suggestion,but after careful  examination we can see that it is still unconvincing ,it is still too early to say that the new store will be profitable.
  Although,Plainsville merchants report that sales of running shoes and exercise clothing are at all-time high. The local health club, which nearly closed five years ago due to lack of business, has more members than ever, and the weight training and aerobics classes are always full,and the schoolchildren are required to participate in a 'fitness for life' program, is it safe to say that the residents there also pay as much attention to health food and other health-related products.as to the sports cloth or taking some exercises?It is very likely that they may have less  inclination to buy health food and other health-related products.
  Even if the residents are also very concerned of buying such merchdises the  Nature's Way 's store can provide, is it adequate to say that such a store will be profitable just as the arguer claims, or to say that these residents will become the customers of the new store?They are so many factors that determine one's decision to buy something ,maybe they are inclined to buy the same items from the familiar store instead of the new one .What if there are already many such kind of stores in this area and the competition is already very fierce?Although their previous experience has shown their stores in areas with such residents are most profitable,after all this area is very likely to be a quite different one.
  So with the limited evidence at hand, it is too early for the vice president to be so confident of his proposal.To prove that it is wise for Nature's Way to open a new store in Plainsville ,the vice president need to do much wider surveys and get more related evidence.

linakUID: 155465

------题目------
The following appeared in a memorandum written by the vice president of Nature's Way, a chain of stores selling health food and other health-related products.
'Previous experience has shown that our stores are most profitable in areas where residents are highly concerned with leading healthy lives. We should therefore build our next new store in Plainsville, which has many such residents. Plainsville merchants report that sales of running shoes and exercise clothing are at all-time highs. The local health club, which nearly closed five years ago due to lack of business, has more members than ever, and the weight training and aerobics classes are always full. We can even anticipate a new generation of customers: Plainsville's schoolchildren are required to participate in a 'fitness for life' program, which emphasizes the benefits of regular exercise at an early age.'
------正文------
In this argument ,the vice president proposes that the Nature's Way should build their next new store in Plainsville and he is really very confident of its future ,because there are many signs that the residents in Plainsville are highly concerned of leading healthy lives,and their previous experience has shown their stores in areas with such residents are most profitable.It seemsto be a good suggestion,but after careful examination we can see that it is still unconvincing ,it is still too early to say that the new store will be profitable.
Although,Plainsville merchants report that sales of running shoes and exercise clothing are at all-time high. The local health club, which nearly closed five years ago due to lack of business, has more members than ever, and the weight training and aerobics classes are always full,and the schoolchildren are required to participate in a 'fitness for life' program, is it safe to say that the residents there also pay as much attention to health food and other health-related products.,as to the sports cloth or taking some exercises?It is very likely that they may have less inclination to buy health food and other health-related products.基本就是在重复题目的内容，错在哪里根本就没有指出来呢，光是一个问句就行了么，ets要的是你来回答，你却一个劲的问他！
Even if the residents are also very concerned of buying such merchdises the Nature's Way 's store can provide, is it adequate to say that such a store will be profitable just as the arguer claims, or to say that these residents will become the customers of the new store?They are so many factors that determine one's decision to buy something ,maybe they are inclined to buy the same items from the familiar store instead of the new one .What if there are already many such kind of stores in this area and the competition is already very fierce?Although their previous experience has shown their stores in areas with such residents are most profitable,after all this area is very likely to be a quite different one.还是那个问题
So with the limited evidence at hand, it is too early for the vice president to be so confident of his proposal.To prove that it is wise for Nature's Way to open a new store in Plainsville ,the vice president need to do much wider surveys and get more related evidence.
没有细看文章了，语言上面没有什么大的问题，不过可以试着句式更加复杂多变一些。主要就是上面说的那个问题，没有说出什么实质性的东西，只是花了大量篇幅重复题目里面的意思而已，应该指出问题的关键所在，比如顾客可能觉得其他地方的好之类的，各种可能都应该尽量的涉及。
可以多看看范文，继续加油

linakUID: 155465

ps：下次注意分段了

蓝清UID: 158106

嗯，对。谢谢linak的指教和鼓励。
以后我会注意的。
刚开始看AW，确实该加油了。
大家一起努力噢。

蓝清UID: 158106

Argument1
------题目------
The following appeared in a memorandum written by the vice president of Nature's Way, a chain of stores selling health food and other health-related products.
'Previous experience has shown that our stores are most profitable in areas where residents are highly concerned with leading healthy lives. We should therefore build our next new store in Plainsville, which has many such residents. Plainsville merchants report that sales of running shoes and exercise clothing are at all-time highs. The local health club, which nearly closed five years ago due to lack of business, has more members than ever, and the weight training and aerobics classes are always full. We can even anticipate a new generation of customers: Plainsville's schoolchildren are required to participate in a 'fitness for life' program, which emphasizes the benefits of regular exercise at an early age.'
------正文------
In this argument, the vice president of Nature's Way first concludes that the residents in Plainville are highly concerned of leading healthy lives, from the increase in the local sales of running shoes and exercise clothing, the popularity of the local health club, and the requirement for local schoolchildren to participate in a "fitness for life" program. Considering that their previous experience has show that their stores in areas with such residents are the most profitable, the arguer further comes to such a conclusion that the same story must take place in Plainville, and confidently proposes that their should open their next store in this area. The future seems prospective, but it is a pity that both the conclusions and the proposal are groundless and unconvincing, with the available information.

The increase in the local sales of sporting suits, the popularity of local health club, and the requirement for the schoolchildren to participate such a program, are neither adequate nor necessary to show the residents' high concern of leading healthy lives. Maybe the sporting suits are cheaper in this area, maybe the sporting suits are in style and the resident just buy them to be fashionable It is likely that the local health club has take some effective measures to attract more members, such as reducing the fees, improving their advertisement, introducing more equipment, employing more famous trainers. Or, maybe there will be some kind of important sporting game in this area, resulting in the local people paying attention to do physical exercises.

Although their previous experience show that their stores are most profitable in the areas where residents are highly concerned of leading lives, it is hard to say that Plainville will not be an exception, even the residents have high concern for living healthy lives. The residents may just be interested in walking after dinner, jogging, playing balls, with no concern of the health food or the other health-related products. They may think that they are sound enough just by take physical exercises. If there are already such kinds of stores, the residents with interest have many choices, they may choose the store nearby, the one that they are familiar with, or the one provides cheaper items. All these are possible, and then make the new store hard to run in this area.

So, with the available evidence and previous experience, we can see the possibly bright future of opening a new store in Plainville, but the arguer should make wider survey and deeper analysis to ensure that the local residents will be the potential customers of Nature's Way next new store there, and then make it as profitable as anticipated from the previous experience.

蓝清UID: 158106

按照linak的指导意见，认真研读了几篇范文，重新写了这篇Argument1 ，希望能有所提高，也希望大家能再提宝贵意见。希望能够通过反复的修改使自己的写作思路有所成熟。