Issue197 又来求砖了

xiaoheUID：162707

------题目------
The material progress and well-being of one country are necessarily connected to the material progress and well-being of all other countries.
------正文------
The quotation is certainly correct, insofar as it describes at least one nature of a country’s progress. In other words, I do agree with the proposition, subject to the proviso that the achievement of a country’s material progress and well-being may well also involve other traits or attributes.

With the fast pace of globalization, nowadays, all countries are interdependent in consuming and providing products. Every country is making its unique contribution for the global family. It's very common that the food we consume, the clothes we wear, the utensils and devices we use are made in foreign countries, while we also produce goods for other countries. The airplanes and vehicles, as we all know, usually contain components and parts manufactured in different parts of the world and eventually serve many countries. All these products help to improve our daily life, which is an essential part of the material progress and well-being of a country.

When some countries lose their own material progress and well-being in natural catastrophes or human disasters, they cannot maintain their contributions and accordingly hampers the progress of other countries. In this summer, the tropical areas in America continent experienced an extraordinary season of hurricanes which decreased the petroleum production in Mexico Gulf dramatically as well as severely damaged the life of the residents in that area. At the same time, several major petroleum factories in Iraq were damaged in war. Both of the two accidents caused the great reduction of world petroleum storage, thus inevitably raise the gas price and people's living expenses and as a result hold back the material progress and well-being of all countries around the world.

What's more, the hostility between some countries is also harmful to all the countries around the world. The hostile countries try to destroy the progress of one another in various ways such as issuing embargos, starting a war and even taking terrorist actions, which directly bother their neighboring countries in terms of peace and order which are fundamental to their normal progress, and also hinder other countries from normal business activities with them since people don’t like to put themselves in danger.

Whenever we cast a glance at today’s world, we can find plenty of such facts. The conflicts between Israel and Palestine have coursed so many deaths in war and terrorism. The foreigners who used to live here for commercial or peaceful purposes are all frightened away, and the neighboring countries are all complaining the harm they brought to their domestic life. The terrorists, who are scattered in some very tiny parts of the world, and are morbidly hostile to most countries, have already alarmed the world by the appalling disasters they made such as the 911 attacks in America, the kidnap and explosion in a middle school in Russia, the bomb explosion in some scenic sites or official residence in Indonesia and other countries. This has evidently cast heavy shadow on all humanity and makes it impossible for any single country to guarantee the material progress or well-being for its own citizens all by itself.

Another notable fact is that highly developed technologies have enable people to fulfill many tasked which would have been impossible in early days, which tightens the connections between all countries even further. The development of nuclear technology makes it possible to destroy the whole world in a very short time, which is a great threat to all countries in the world. Technologies also make people realize that the global circumstances are highly interactive. Any single country can easily damage the global circumstances through pollution in its own territory or simply carelessness of its own natural resources.

In sum, the material progress and well-being of different countries are closely connected to one another. All countries in the world should work hard together to propel the material progress and solidify the well-being of their own.

花之颜色UID：187195

汗~xiaohe的例子真丰富啊,是不是经常关心时事啊?偶真是汗颜到了几点,一举例子就头痛,要向你学习.大毛病偶是没看出来,就觉得论点分的挺细的,会不会导致结构不够清晰哪?仅供参考呵呵改了一点小小毛病.
The quotation is certainly correct, insofar as it describes at least one nature of a country’s progress. In other words, I do agree with the proposition, subject to the proviso that the achievement of a country’s material progress and well-being may well also involve other traits or attributes.

With the fast pace of globalization, nowadays, all countries are interdependent in[on?不太确定] consuming and providing products. Every country is making its unique contribution for the global family. It's very common that the food we consume, the clothes we wear, the utensils and devices we use are made in foreign countries, while we also produce goods for other countries. The airplanes and vehicles, as we all know, usually contain components and parts manufactured in different parts of the world and eventually serve many countries. All these products help to improve our daily life, which is an essential part of the material progress and well-being of a country.

When some countries lose their own material progress and well-being in natural catastrophes or human disasters, they cannot maintain their contributions and accordingly hampers the progress of other countries. In this summer, the tropical areas in America continent experienced an extraordinary season of hurricanes which decreased the petroleum production in Mexico Gulf dramatically as well as severely damaged the life of the residents in that area. At the same time, several major petroleum factories in Iraq were damaged in war. Both of the two accidents caused the great reduction of world petroleum storage, thus inevitably raise the gas price and people's living expenses and as a result hold back the material progress and well-being of all countries around the world.

What's more, the hostility between some countries is also harmful to all the countries around the world. The hostile countries try to destroy the progress of one another in various ways such as issuing embargos, starting a war and even taking terrorist[terroristic] actions, which directly bother their neighboring countries in terms of peace and order which are fundamental to their normal progress, and also hinder other countries from normal business activities with them since people don’t like to put themselves in danger.

Whenever we cast a glance at today’s world, we can find plenty of such facts. The conflicts between Israel and Palestine have coursed so many deaths in war and terrorism. The foreigners who used to live here for commercial or peaceful purposes are all frightened away, and the neighboring countries are all complaining the harm they brought to their domestic life. The terrorists, who are scattered in some very tiny parts of the world, and are morbidly hostile to most countries, have already alarmed the world by the appalling disasters they made such as the 911 attacks in America, the kidnap and explosion in a middle school in Russia, the bomb explosion in some scenic sites or official residence in Indonesia and other countries. This has evidently cast heavy shadow on all humanity and makes it impossible for any single country to guarantee the material progress or well-being for its own citizens all by itself.[这一段为啥不跟上一段合并哪?是讲同一个问题吧?合并后结构是不是清晰一点?]

Another notable fact is that highly developed technologies have enable people to fulfill many tasked[tasks] which would have been impossible in early days, which tightens[改成分词吧.俩定语从句连用,感觉有点怪] the connections between all countries even further. The development of nuclear technology makes it possible to destroy the whole world in a very short time, which is a great threat to all countries in the world. Technologies also make people realize that the global circumstances are highly interactive. Any single country can easily damage the global circumstances through pollution in its own territory or simply carelessness of its own natural resources.

In sum, the material progress and well-being of different countries are closely connected to one another. All countries in the world should work hard together to propel the material progress and solidify the well-being of their own.

foreverlovesUID：166930

第一段怎么和PP3上的一篇6分范文一样，是不是雷同了，呵呵

可以这样写吗？？

foreverlovesUID：166930

The response opens with a clear endorsement of the stated claim, along with an acknowledgement that a country’s material progress and well-being involves additional traits.  The writer then begins building an argument that ..........................

In several places, the skillful use of questions helps move the analysis along.  And throughout, the skillful use of sentence variety and precise vocabulary combine to convey meaning effectively, as in this excerpt..........................

This kind of insightful, articulate analysis merits a score of 6.

foreverlovesUID：166930

第三段的例子特别新，有创意
整篇文章条理清楚，逻辑严密
先正面论证. Every country is making its unique contribution for the global family
再反面说the hostility between some countries is also harmful to all the countries around the world.

wsbsddUID：187786

The material progress and well-being of one country are necessarily connected to the material progress and

well-being of all other countries.
------正文------
The quotation is certainly correct, insofar as it describes at least one nature of a country’s progress.*前面这句多余了

，前后两句完全是一个意思） In other words, I do agree with the proposition, subject to the proviso（笔误） that

the achievement of a country’s material progress and well-being may well also involve other traits or attributes.（取

一个词就可了，删掉 attributes吧）

With the fast （accelarating) pace of globalization, nowadays, all countries are(,nowadays放到这） interdependent

in consuming and providing products. Every country is making its unique contribution for（to) the global family. It's

very common that (加part of)the food we consume, the clothes we wear, the utensils and devices we use(用现在时更

好） are made in foreign countries, while we also produce goods for other countries. （角度有问题，不该局内人口

吻说话）The airplanes and vehicles,（不该特指） as we all know, usually contain components and parts （and parts

删掉）manufactured in different parts of the world and eventually serve many countries. （eventually serve many

countries？读起来不爽啊）All these products help to improve our daily life, which is an essential part of the material

progress and well-being of a country.（结论是单向的，对于一个国家而言，但是论述确更侧重几国互动，只要论的

重点少改就可了）

When some countries lose their own material progress and well-being in natural catastrophes or human disasters,

they cannot maintain their contributions and accordingly hampers the progress of other countries. （没maintain不

等于hampers ）In this summer, the tropical areas in America continent experienced an extraordinary season of

hurricanes which decreased the petroleum production in Mexico Gulf dramatically as well as severely damaged the

life of the residents in that area. （as well as用的不对）At the same time, several major petroleum factories in Iraq

were damaged in war. Both of the two （删two ）accidents caused the great reduction of world petroleum storage,

thus inevitably raise the gas price and people's living expenses and as a result hold back（impede) the material

progress and well-being of all countries around the world. （开头改成各国紧密连在一起了，因此任何一方的异常都

会波及另一方）

What's more, the hostility between （among)some countries is also harmful to all the (加other)countries around the

world.(around the world删）（几国间的 hostility与恐怖国家有啥联系呢，表达错位了）The hostile countries try to

destroy the progress of one another in various ways such as issuing embargos, starting a war and even taking

terrorist actions, which directly bother their neighboring countries in terms of peace and order which are

fundamental to their normal progress, and also hinder other countries from normal business activities with them

since people don’t like to put themselves in danger. （还是有点繁琐了）

Whenever we cast a glance at today’s world, we can find plenty of such facts. The conflicts between Israel and

Palestine have coursed so many deaths in war and terrorism. The foreigners who used to live here for commercial or

peaceful purposes are all frightened away, and the neighboring countries are all complaining the harm they brought

to their domestic life. The terrorists, who are scattered in some very tiny parts of the world, and are morbidly hostile

to most countries, have already alarmed the world by the appalling disasters they made such as the 911 attacks in

America, the kidnap and explosion in a middle school in Russia, the bomb explosion in some scenic sites or official

residence in Indonesia and other countries. This has evidently cast heavy shadow on all humanity and makes it

impossible for any single country to guarantee the material progress or well-being for its own citizens all by itself.（

这一段可以并到上一节，而且例子要有取舍，最好有分类）

Another notable fact is that highly developed technologies have enable people to fulfill many tasked which would have

been impossible in early days, which tightens the connections between all countries even further. The development of

nuclear technology makes it possible to destroy the whole world in a very short time, which is a great threat to all

countries in the world. Technologies also make people realize that the global circumstances are highly interactive.

Any single country can easily damage the global circumstances through pollution in its own territory or simply

carelessness of its own natural resources. （为了让这段更好地扣题，还是要有点链接）

In sum, the material progress and well-being of different countries are closely connected to one another. All countries

in the world should work hard together to propel the material progress and solidify the well-being of their own

  xiaohe你的基本框价还很不错，但是细节上还要努力。你追求美丽的长句的目的可以理节，但是简洁是最好的。

多谢，有空帮我 wsbsdd改改，不知咋的，我在这里很不受欢迎。

wsbsddUID：187786

The material progress and well-being of one country are necessarily connected to the material progress and well-being of all other countries.
------正文------
The quotation is certainly correct, insofar as it describes at least one nature of a country’s progress.*前面这句多余了，前后两句完全是一个意思） In other words, I do agree with the proposition, subject to the proviso（笔误） that the achievement of a country’s material progress and well-being may well also involve other traits or attributes.（取一个词就可了，删掉 attributes吧）With the fast （accelarating) pace of globalization, nowadays, all countries are(,nowadays放到这） interdependent in consuming and providing products. Every country is making its unique contribution for（to) the global family. It's very common that (加part of)the food we consume, the clothes we wear, the utensils and devices we use(用现在时更好） are made in foreign countries, while we also produce goods for other countries. （角度有问题，不该局内人口吻说话）The airplanes and vehicles,（不该特指） as we all know, usually contain components and parts （and parts 删掉）manufactured in different parts of the world and eventually serve many countries. （eventually serve many countries？读起来不爽啊）All these products help to improve our daily life, which is an essential part of the material progress and well-being of a country.（结论是单向的，对于一个国家而言，但是论述确更侧重几国互动，只要论的重点少改就可了）

When some countries lose their own material progress and well-being in natural catastrophes or human disasters, hey cannot maintain their contributions and accordingly hampers the progress of other countries. （没maintain不等于hampers ）In this summer, the tropical areas in America continent experienced an extraordinary season of hurricanes which decreased the petroleum production in Mexico Gulf dramatically as well as severely damaged the life of the residents in that area. （as well as用的不对）At the same time, several major petroleum factories in Iraq
were damaged in war. Both of the two （删two ）accidents caused the great reduction of world petroleum storage, thus inevitably raise the gas price and people's living expenses and as a result hold back（impede) the material progress and well-being of all countries around the world. （开头改成各国紧密连在一起了，因此任何一方的异常都会波及另一方）

What's more, the hostility between （among)some countries is also harmful to all the (加other)countries around the world.(around the world删）（几国间的 hostility与恐怖国家有啥联系呢，表达错位了）The hostile countries try to destroy the progress of one another in various ways such as issuing embargos, starting a war and even taking terrorist actions, which directly bother their neighboring countries in terms of peace and order which are fundamental to their normal progress, and also hinder other countries from normal business activities with them since people don’t like to put themselves in danger. （还是有点繁琐了）

Whenever we cast a glance at today’s world, we can find plenty of such facts. The conflicts between Israel and Palestine have coursed so many deaths in war and terrorism. The foreigners who used to live here for commercial or peaceful purposes are all frightened away, and the neighboring countries are all complaining the harm they brought to their domestic life. The terrorists, who are scattered in some very tiny parts of the world, and are morbidly hostile to most countries, have already alarmed the world by the appalling disasters they made such as the 911 attacks in America, the kidnap and explosion in a middle school in Russia, the bomb explosion in some scenic sites or official residence in Indonesia and other countries. This has evidently cast heavy shadow on all humanity and makes it impossible for any single country to guarantee the material progress or well-being for its own citizens all by itself.（这一段可以并到上一节，而且例子要有取舍，最好有分类）

Another notable fact is that highly developed technologies have enable people to fulfill many tasked which would have been impossible in early days, which tightens the connections between all countries even further. The development of nuclear technology makes it possible to destroy the whole world in a very short time, which is a great threat to all countries in the world. Technologies also make people realize that the global circumstances are highly interactive. Any single country can easily damage the global circumstances through pollution in its own territory or simply carelessness of its own natural resources. （为了让这段更好地扣题，还是要有点链接）

In sum, the material progress and well-being of different countries are closely connected to one another. All countries in the world should work hard together to propel the material progress and solidify the well-being of their own

  xiaohe你的基本框价还很不错，但是细节上还要努力。你追求美丽的长句的目的可以理节，但是简洁是最好的。

多谢，有空帮我 wsbsdd改改，不知咋的，我在这里很不受欢迎。

xiaoheUID：162707

谢谢几位的认真评改！
对各位的意见做几点反馈：
1 开头确实是照搬一篇ETS范文的。我本来想照着那个意思用自己的话说一遍，改了改老觉得不精练或者不地道。那时已经写得头晕脑胀，就懒一下先了。
下次一定改正。

2 B3分了两段是因为合成一段太长了，看上去跟别的段不平衡，本身也臃肿。按照前半部阐述，后半部举例的意群分为两段。我认为从分段来说，这应该没有问题。因为分段是为层次服务的，而也没有规定一个分论点只能写一段，或每个分论点的段数一样多呀。

但其实这里有另一个问题。我觉得B3是我想强调的部分，因为人们普遍认为它危害最大，也是最需要各国联合起来面对的问题。按照强调的原则，它就应该放在第一或最后。但我恰好放在了中间，不符合强调的意图。我想我得把B4调整一下，或干脆删掉，然后相应进行一些修改。可能会显得层次更好一些。

3 倒数第二段第一句话连用两个which，是很别扭，我会变化一下。

另外，wsbsdd改得很细致呢。我一定认真学习，好好吸引。你是新来的吧？不要说自己不受欢迎，谁刚来都是这样的。主动一点，就有人注意到你了。多多互相帮助吧！

xiaoheUID：162707

最初由 foreverloves 发布
[B]The response opens with a clear endorsement of the stated claim, along with an acknowledgement that a country’s material progress and well-being involves addit..

以下省略...... [/B]

foreverloves， 你搞什么？你是在说“你抄我也抄”是吧？ :o
下次我改正。不过也对你提两条改进建议：
1 评文章时至少2/3说问题，最多1/3说优点。贴出来的文章自己都还是觉得过得去的（至少我是这样），就不用再往云里捧了。

2 每周最好有篇大作放上来，让我也“瞻仰瞻仰”，顺便回敬一下。

RikkuUID：170558

我觉得啊，你那么多例子

这篇文章你可以明确的方方面面论证啊

从你的文章看，中间几段都是例子

如果你从方方面面论证，是否逻辑更清楚呢？

而且我这篇文章是典型的多方面论证型，分领域写既清楚，有好写

不知道我的意见对不对，欢迎讨论

不怕开水烫的猪UID：187893

xiaohe的例子举的太棒了，佩服佩服！
你的例子都是平时积累的，还是写前搜集的啊？
传授一下心得吧，hoho

xiaoheUID：162707

Rikku说得对，是可以从政治、经济、文化等方面的论证。

我可能没有分得那么清，我的线路是：
B1正面说“各国的经济生活是相互关联的”
B2如果一国或少数几国国内出现天灾人祸，自己的物质发展和福利遭到破坏，则必定影响其他国家的物质~~~（举了石油涨价一例）
B3如果某些国家之间有敌对情绪，影响了当事国不说，还影响了邻国以及全世界其他各国。（举了巴以冲突，这属于传统地区冲突；恐怖行径，这属于少数人对世界许多国家的病态敌对）
B4再提一下技术发展促使世界各国关系更加紧密

结构不能说没问题。但自我感觉说服力还是可以的。
（另外顺便说一下，我每次贴文都没附提纲，因为我觉得要是人家读一遍下来体会不到文章的层次，那这个层次布局就肯定有问题，贴提纲也没什么用。个人观点哈。）

至于例子，有时看电视新闻看到了，写这个题目正好用得上就用了。
二十多年的人生体验，其实例子应该是不少的。只是刚开始记忆调动不起来，我感觉自己现在比两三周前举例就轻松一些了。不过还是有好些题目找不到话说呀。
还得继续努力！

foreverlovesUID：166930

呵呵，不要生气啦，活跃一下气氛啦，我现在已经退步的太多了，都不好意思写文章上来了，因为都不知道怎么造句子了，例子又少。
要说分多方面的话，还是需要扣住material progress，和well-being 的吧，material progress 无法从政治文化方面考虑吧，well-being 或许可以吧。这样写恐怕就写多了

xuedilang1998UID：184225

恩,学习学习

跳梁小丑UID：157249

xiaohe同志确实很牛啊
佩服佩服
以后争取2天一篇往上贴，同时试着修改修改文章