Issue48求砖，大家拍吧～

花之颜色UID: 187195

题目：
"The study of history places too much emphasis on individuals. The most significant events and trends in history were made possible not by the famous few, but by groups of people whose identities have long been forgotten."

Outline：
1 牛人起关键作用推动社会发展，这种作用一般人代替不了
例子是华盛顿和贞德然后科学和艺术领域一笔带过简单的说了下
2 普通人力量虽大，需要牛人指导否则一盘散沙不能成功。
例子是毛泽东领导中国革命
3 普通人的帮助和支持也很重要
结论
增加对牛人的研究同时提高对普通人的教育，使普通人变牛人
好像例子有点多，写的有点长，拜托大家耐心看，给意见，前几次被拍之后很有长进，希望这次继续得到大家的帮助，Thanks先～不说废话，正文如下

History immortalizes the memories of a few individuals because of the outstanding achievements they have made, like Albert Einstein or Leonardo Da Vinci, whose name are household. I appreciate this evaluation in the extreme, though I believe the group effort should not be ignored either.

Firstly, every person plays a role in history and everyone affects history more or less, but the famous few play a key role in every step of human history, pushing society forward, which could not be supplanted by the ordinary people. The worthies have exceptional foresight and wisdom to see the historical trend and steadfast resolution and fortitude to get through all difficulties. Sometimes, they even need great courage to devote their lives to the enterprise they have pursued. For example, George Washington, the first president of the USA, set American people free from the control of Britain and without his lead, the revolution would not go so smoothly. Another case is Joan of Arc, a famous heroine of France, whose heroism gave courage and confidence to the entire nation to defeat the invaders. Not only the social reformation and revolution, but also the progress in science and culture needs knockout persons’ contribution. Today, we still enjoy their fruits like electric bulb made by Edison, Mona Lisa by Da Vinci. Without their findings and works, the society could not advance so enormously and there would be no development in human civilization.

Secondly, no matter how mighty strength the mass have, they would be a mob and could not succeed unless they are under the standout's guidance. It is because that an outstanding leader, usually a celebrity, has an extraordinary competence to organize his people well, make up a correct strategy and point out the right direction. A good case is that, in the semi colonial society of China, countless poor Chinese people had a strong will to overturn the oppressor and live a new life. In addition, there had been many people who tried their best to reform the nation and extricate the people, but all these efforts ended up in failure. It is not until the appearance of Chairman Mao that the old country achieved its revival. To defeat Japan invaders and reactionary rulers, this famous leader, with his splendid intelligence and strategic sight, made out our own ways according to China's specific conditions at that time, that is encircling the cities from the rural areas, and finally Chinese people won.

At the same time, we should not ignore the indispensable functions of the commonality. Although the outstanding persons ignite spark of enthusiasm and fervor of public and lead a way to success, without the common people’s involvement, they could not make good winning. When it comes to scientific field, the conclusion works as well. Palmary scientists’ discoveries need common people’s help to be published and publicized. Can you imagine Albert Einstein fought with a printing machine like a typo to print out his fruit? To avoid this case, we indeed need the support and assistance from common people.

In fact, we have not done enough study on significant figures, for there still exist many puzzles in the historical worthies’ lives, not to mention the infrequent research on ordinary ones. Therefore, in order to set the young good examples to follow with, we should enhance the study on outstanding people and meanwhile, the fundamental education should play a greater role so that more and more ordinary people can make great contributions to our society and finally become eminent individuals.

poohUID: 146994

The first sentence "History immortalizes the memories of a few individuals because of the outstanding achievements they have made, like Albert Einstein or Leonardo Da Vinci, whose name are household."

Change into ---> History immortalizes the names of many individuals.....
(because using "immortalize" and "memories"  is kinda repetitive.

2 " I appreciate this evaluation in the extreme, though I believe the group effort should not be ignored either."

Here " this evaluation" is vague. You'd better point out straight your viewpoint.

3 The last para is good, while you could have done better by summarizing your main idea first before put forward your suggestion. After all the solutions and suggestion are not that important.

Well down!  Keep on! I am sure you can do a excellent job!

花之颜色UID: 187195

感动~多谢pooh的帮助和鼓励,我一定继续努力!!你的英文很好啊,都能用英语批改,真是让我佩服的不行啊,榜样~

花之颜色UID: 187195

根据pooh的意见，修改如下(主要是开头和结尾)
History immortalizes the [U]names[/U]  of a few individuals because of the outstanding achievements they have made, like Albert Einstein or Leonardo Da Vinci, whose name are household. I appreciate this [U]emphasis[/U]  in the extreme, though I believe the group effort should not be ignored either.
B1
B2
B3
[U]To sum up, the most meaningful events and discoveries in history were made possible by combined functions of the famous few and groups of people whose identities have long been forgotten. Nevertheless,[/U]  we have not done enough study on significant figures, for there still exist many puzzles in the historical worthies’ lives, not to mention the infrequent research on ordinary ones. Therefore, in order to set the young good examples to follow with, we should enhance the study on outstanding people and meanwhile, the fundamental education should play a greater role so that more and more ordinary people can make great contributions to our society and finally become eminent individuals.
大家继续拍啊，表客气的说！

poohUID: 146994

“History immortalizes the names of a few individuals because of the outstanding achievements they have made, like Albert Einstein or Leonardo Da Vinci, whose name are household.”

I forgot to tell you that " whose name are househould" was wordy, since you have already said that " history immortalizes the names of..."  I think you'd better cross off the clause sentense.


2 "I appreciate this emphasis in the extreme, though I believe the group effort should not be ignored either"
you haven't caught my meaning. I mean do not use "this" to substitute your thesis. You have to write it out in a complete sentence.
我的意思是你第一段根本没有thesis，没有提出自己的观点，没有正面阐述问题，你到底同不同意历史太看重个人的作用？

wuwei2668UID: 189816

Sometimes, they even need great courage to [B]devote their lives to the [/B] 此处的短语用的似乎不准 enterprise they [B] have pursued [/B]  用进行时好点. For example, George Washington, the first president of the USA, set American people free from the control of Britain and without his lead, the [B]revolution [/B]  [I]这不是革命，应该叫America's war of independence[/I]  would not go so smoothly.

Without their findings and works, the society could not advance so enormously and [B]there would be no development in human civilization[/B] . 这句话不够严谨，从上文只能推出the human civilization could not develop so smoothly and obviously.你的结论有点arbitrary

A good case is that, in the semi colonial society of China, countless poor Chinese people had a strong will to overturn the oppressor and live a new life. In addition, there had been many people who tried their best to reform the nation and extricate the people, but all these efforts ended up in failure. It is not until the appearance of Chairman Mao that the old country achieved its revival. To defeat Japan invaders and reactionary rulers, this famous leader, with his splendid intelligence and strategic sight, made out our own ways according to China's specific conditions at that time, that is encircling the cities from the rural areas, and finally Chinese people won. 我觉得您很爱国，每次都爱举中国的例子，单我要提醒你最好举西方的例子，比如铁血宰相俾斯麦，美国人最尊敬的总统林肯，美国人包括平卷人对中国历史并不熟悉，毛泽东再他们眼里的形象和我们不同



In fact, we have not done enough study on significant figures, for there still exist many puzzles in the historical worthies’ lives, not to mention the infrequent research on ordinary ones. Therefore, in order to set the young good examples to follow with, we should enhance the study on outstanding people and meanwhile, [B]the fundamental education should play a greater role so that more and more ordinary people can make great contributions to our society and finally become eminent individuals[/B] 你着还是说精英比普通人更重要啊，[B]meanwhile we also need to make full use of the force of common people so that we the development of our civilization could be accelerated cotinually and obviously.[/B] 怎么样？

chrisssssssUID: 176321

嘿嘿，正巧这两天跟你写了同题作文，不过观点相左。

而且我也用了主席的例子，不过也相反，我说他老人家以一人之力暂时拖慢了国家发展。 需要澄清的是，我不是存心用这个例子讨好谁。只是写到那时碰巧想到这个事，请挺毛的人不必跟我争论，我也很尊敬主席的。

另外，如果 pooh  再次进来看这个贴的话，你觉得 花之颜色 本篇这样的水平大概能多少分？